Courtney Love appears in court, complete with suspicious arm markings in this AP photo
It's back, and it's not happy. The Court of Public Opinion has been in limbo, waiting for the celebs and power players to prove that, yes, they're still morons. And prove it they have. This week we take a look at an extreme religious holocaust denier, a guy who not only slept with Paris Hilton, he's letting people see that tape, our most hated TV network, and a woman who was once said to be talented, before she became a stark raving lunatic. Court is in session.
CASE #13: "Me? Drugs? Never! What? My arms? Uh... Shut up!"
THE DEFENDANT: Courtney Love.
THE CHARGE: Just being filth.
THE EVIDENCE: See the picture to the right, taken at her recent court hearing - the one she bothered to turn up for. Examine the marking on her arms. Now, this was a court appearance about a drug incident and she's not only sporting what looks like needle marks, she's also in a short-sleeved shirt.
Your honor, the prosecution rests.
THE VERDICT: Dude, that's nasty. Oh yeah... guilty.
THE SENTENCE: An appearance in porn within two years, living on the streets within three. Dana Plato in five.
CASE #14: "And the JEWS - they're in league with Satan!"
THE DEFENDANT: Mel Gibson's dad, Hutton Gibson.
THE CHARGE: Being a bigoted, religiously extremist toss-pot.
THE EVIDENCE:: Okay, let's be clear here. Mel Gibson's dad is an absolute nutbar. There's no two ways around it. Back about twenty years ago, he was considered a national hero in Australia when he became a repeat champion on a TV quiz show, proving himself to be a very well-read individual with a quick buzzer-finger. But lately, now that he's hit 85, Hutton Gibson has gone fairly looney.
A week before his son's movie about Jesus, The Passion of the Christ, hits theaters, Hutton went on a ridiculous rant against Jews, claiming that they fabricated the extent of the Holocaust and are looking to take over the planet. "They're after one world religion and one world government," he said, "That's why they've attacked the Catholic Church so strongly, to ultimately take control over it by their doctrine." Gibson also added that US Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan should be lynched, and then went on to call for the US government to be overthrown.
In a recent interview on WSNR radio's Speak Your Piece, Gibson had said of the Holocaust, "It's all - maybe not all fiction - but most of it is," adding that the crematoria at camps like Auschwitz would not have been capable of exterminating as many people as has been documented.
"Do you know what it takes to get rid of a dead body? To cremate it?" he said. "It takes a litre of petrol and 20 minutes. Now, six million of them? They did not have the gas to do it. That's why they lost the war."
Now, Hutton has said lunatic things in the press before, in fact a similar rant in the New York Times a little over a year ago receieved a massive round of boos from most people, but with The Passion of The Christ already facing charges of Anti-Semitism, the mind boggles as to why Gibson Sr would choose now to spout off more of his bigoted rhetoric.
Perhaps he's just too old to know better. Or perhaps he's always been this way. Hutton Gibson has long been what you'd call a religious extremist, having penned two books that damn the Catholic Church for being too liberal.
One, a 1994 500-page self-published tirade about the false Church doctrines emanating from Rome since Vatican II, is called "The Enemy Is Here". This was a follow-up to his 1978 book on similar topics, Is The Pope Catholic? Beyond that, Gibson has spent the last two decades publishing a periodical newsletter in Australia on the same topic.
Clearly Hutton Gibson is a conspiracy theorist of the highest order, and the older he gets, the harder to follow his rants become. But is he an anti-Semite or simply nuts? Listen to this sound clip from a recent radio interview with Gibson and judge for yourself.
If Gibson Sr was just nuts, it wouldn't be worth mentioning, but right now one of the most controversial films of the last century is gearing up for release, and the reason it's controversial is that people are scared it will raise levels of anti-Semitism. If Gibson's dad can't keep his Holocaust denying trap shut for a month and let his son's work be released untarnished, you would expect that father and son are going to have a little showdown soon enough.
THE VERDICT: Guilty. Hutton's an uber-religious conspiracy theorist, and looking back it's easy to see where the inspiration for his son's character in Conspiracy Theory came from.
THE SENTENCE: Commuted. He's already a laughing stock, and you'd expect Mel won't hold back in telling him what for.
CASE #15: "Okay, so I'm a scumbag. Now pay me."
THE DEFENDANT: Rick Solomon, former Shannon Doherty mate and Paris Hilton seducer.
THE CHARGE: Selling his soul for thirty pieces of silver.
THE EVIDENCE: Rick Solomon filmed a sexual act he and serial billionaire skank Paris Hilton performed a few years ago for his private collection. One expects that, every now and then, Rick pulled the old tape out and made a mess of the living room floor, wondering how his brief rub with celebrity ended so fast.
A few years later, realizing that he was doomed to obscurity, Solomon released his homemade porn tape of Hilton for money.
Solomon lists his profession as 'producer', though the only thing he's really produced is the badly lit 37-minute porn tape, which is hosted on a Czech Republic-based porn site and offered up at a cost of $50 per viewing.
According to Solomon, who seems to have as little shame as he does class, 50,000 people a day have paid to see the film after he launched the site last week. He told journalists, "I had tons of shame from this whole thing and now, I'm... at least making some money off of it. It's doing really well."
Let's just stop for a second - he had sex with Paris Hilton and HE'S NOT ASHAMED THAT WE KNOW?!?! Personally, I'd scrub my pecker with steel wool and lemon juice if it had been anywhere near that skanky career-nothing.
But Solomon has no such qualms, and he's not worried about legal threats either. "I own the rights and they can't stop me." what a prick.
THE VERDICT: Guilty as sin.
THE SENTENCE: A lifetime where he'll be remembered as the Kato Kaelin-like asshole who not only put his dick where others would never go, he also showed the tape to the world for a handful of dollars. Hilton may be a talentless skank, but even she doesn't deserve some low-life turd like Solomon showing the world what she looks like naked. That's the ultimate betrayal of one man over another, and if there's any justice in the world, it's that we can also see how 'un-gifted' Solomon is in the genitalia department.
CASE #16: "Coming soon on CBS: CSI: Dubuque!"
THE DEFENDANT: Viacom, owners of CBS.
THE CHARGE: Ceaslessly exploiting one of the best shows on TV until it feels like a hackneyed piece of crap.
THE EVIDENCE: Most people would agree that anyone who doesn't think CSI: Crime Scene Investigation is great TV needs to have their head examined by a reputable pyschiatrist. The show came out of nowhere to gain a huge audience, win all sorts of awards, and be roundly applauded for being quality TV amidst a morass of crud.
So then CBS decided to parlay the show, turning out a spin-off - CSI Miami, starring David Caruso. Long time watchers of the original know that the spin-off is the antithesis of the original; it's the WORST TV series out there. Cliche, melodramatic to a ridiculous extent, and full of all sorts of lame product placements (CSI people get their own Hummers?) and moronic characterizations, CSI Miami has never rated as well as the original, and some say it has damaged the rep of the franchise.
So what have CBS announced this week? Yet ANOTHER spin-off of the popular series - CSI: New York. And CSI star William Peterson is pissed, telling Playboy Magazine, "I'll do CSI until I legally don't have to do it anymore, which I think is at the end of next year. Right now, that's as long as I can foresee doing this show." He said of the new New York show, "Taking a blueprint of something that was organically conceived and trying to synthesize it is the difference between organic chicken and chicken jerky. There's nothing I can do about that. That's Viacom, big American capitalism and ratings points."
You've got to wonder how silly it's all going to look when the CSI Hummers start squeezing into the Lincoln Tunnel. Good grief.
THE VERDICT: Sure, CBS is guilty. Guilty of shameless prostitution of the one good thing left on network TV. Squeeze that stone! It might still have blood left in it!
THE SENTENCE: We won't watch. We just won't. I mean, seriously, aren't there enough cops on TV already?
THIS WEEK'S GOOD BEHAVIOUR LIST:
Conan O'Brien: He made fun of Quebec on the Canadian taxpayers' dime, and when Canuck politicans bitched about it, he made an apology that was even funnier than the bit they were moaning about. Classy exit strategy, Conan.
Roy Disney: The last shred of dignity that the once great Disney empire had has left its board of directors and launched a one-man war against current boss Michael Eisner. Disney's opus animated piece, Destino, which was created some sixty years ago when Roy's ancestors brought Salvador Dali to the US to create an animated work for the company, is in the running for best animated short at this year's Oscars. And you can bet it'll be a hell of an acceptance speech if Roy gets up there to take home an award. Go Roy!
Batman: Intimidation: Liam Neeson has signed on to play Rha's Al Ghul in the upcoming Batman flick, joining a big cast including Christian Bale (as the bat), Morgan Freeman, Katie Holmes, and Michael Caine. And it's being directed by Memento's Christopher Nolan. In a word - wow.
Linday Lohan: The jury is still out as to whether Ms Lohan has any shred of talent, but she's at least got class. She said on MTV's TRL this week that she has no beef with Hilary Duff, who has been publicly hating on Lohan for some months now. Lohan said, "I have no problem with her. Maybe she has a problem with me but I don't think she should." Seems like a reasonable stance... will Duff respond in kind?
Got a suggestion as to who should be in front of the court next week? Drop a note in our forums and let us know.
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originally posted: 02/21/04 10:49:22
last updated: 08/08/06 18:29:01