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"Foreign Films Suck"
by DarkHorse

What we need right now is for all foreign movies to be dubbed. Subtitles are just too hard. Not user-friendly enough. For the really good foreign films (there are three), we can use the voices of well-known actors like they do in big anime films. I'm even thinking we can use the magic created by Ted Turner to make the foreign people look... ummm less foreign.

Down here in the south you would be hard pressed to find any decent foreign film section in any video store in town. All the mom and pop video stores are long dead. Now there are just two big chains that have stores littered all around Huntsville and the surrounding areas. Every single one looks the same inside and has pretty much the exact same titles. The foreign film section has been removed to make way for a "previously viewed movies" section that grows daily.

It was explained to me by a manager of one of these stores that they are no longer interested in maintaining the "movies in the middle" because they buy large quantities of new releases then sell them all as the new-er releases come in. When I inquired about 7 foreign films in a row, and showed her the dvd covers that I had printed out, she recognized 5 out of 7. They carried only one of these and it had been rented out 3 months ago and never returned. She promised to call me should it be returned after 3 fucking months. Such a sweet and pointless gesture.

I asked her why she still had 3 copies of The Blue-Collar Comedy Tour and zero copies of City of God. She replied that people around here do not like foreign movies. She told me that people have complained to her after renting a subtitled film by mistake.

Besides, she added, all of the really good foreign films are made into American films anyway. Then she asked me if I had seen The Ring. I told her yes and that it was pretty good. A big grin came to her face and then she dropped a bomb on me (Gap Band Style)...

THE RING WAS ACTUALLY A REMAKE OF A FOREIGN FILM CALLED RINGU!!! And, Yes Virginia. That one is in stock. I pretended I did not know since she seemed so pleased to tell me (and she was kinda hot). I also stayed silent as schooled me on The Grudge. If she had mentioned Diabolique I think there would have been bloodshed though.

I am glad that there are remakes of these foreign films to make it easier for morons in Alabama to enjoy. I cannot wait to see Maria Full of Grace with J-Lo and DeNiro. I hear Kevin Smith is directing the new version of The Umbrellas of Cherbourg. You know he will find a way to get those Silent Jay and Bob characters into the action. With their crazy antics and such.

Recently, I have been walking around video stores waiting for folks who pick up a foreign film masquerading as a regular movie. When they start to put down the movie, after seeing it is subtitled, I offer to go home with them and dub the movie for them as they watch. I do this for free. Out of the kindness of my heart. I encourage others to do the same. A strange old guy hit on me as I was dubbing the first part of The Godfather 2 yesterday. Besides that it is going pretty well.

dh


link directly to this feature at http://www.efilmcritic.com/feature.php?feature=1648
originally posted: 11/16/05 12:06:16
last updated: 11/16/05 12:19:07
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