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Every Presidential Candidate Needs an Action Hero from the '80s

by U.J. Lessing

When two-time Texas Ranger and lone wolf Chuck Norris came out of the popular culture woodwork to endorse Mike Huckabee, we all got a good laugh. Now that Sylvester Stallone has halted preproduction on “Cobra 2: Marion Cobretti” to campaign for John McCain, the laughter has stopped. The other candidates are sitting up and wondering which machine gun-toting beefcake they can exploit for votes. So, as a public service, I humbly present a guide to help washed-out ‘80s action heroes find their appropriate presidential hopeful.

Candidate: Hillary Clinton
Endorsed by: Kurt Thomas
Notable in: “Gymkata”

In the public arena, Hillary Clinton exhibits savvy and cunning when she plays the game of politics. In the world of “Gymkata,” Kurt Thomas exhibits gymnastic skill and ninjutsu when he plays a deadly game of cat and mouse. If these two team up, Clinton will raise the bar and Thomas will perform a basket swing off of it and knock down seven Parmistanian ninjas.

Candidate: John Edwards
Endorsed by: Roddy Piper
Notable in “They Live”

John Edwards believes there are two Americas: one for the rich and one for the working class Joe. In “They Live” Roddy Piper also had to contend with two Americas: one for rich, mind controlling aliens and one for working class Joes who are all out of bubble gum and kick ass. Edwards has frequently complained that Clinton’s and Obama’s star status is drowning his message out. Well, “Rowdy” Piper has the lung capacity and decibel power to blast talking points at earsplitting levels.

Candidate: Barack Obama
Endorsed by: Patrick Swayze
Notable in: “Next of Kin”

Patrick Swayze’s character, Truman Gates, from the 1989 blockbuster “Next of Kin” offers a perfectly balanced ticket for Barack Obama. Obama grew up with a close-knit family in Hawaii. Truman Gates grew with kin in Appalachia. As an Illinois Democratic senator, Obama fought against voter fraud and dodged Republican attacks. As an Illinois police officer, Truman Gates fought against the mob and dodged shotgun blasts. Obama has declared many times that change is coming to America. At the end of “Next of Kin” Truman Gates declared, “"You ain't seen bad yet. But it's comin'."

Candidate: Rudy Giuliani
Endorsed by: The ghost of Charles Bronson
Notable in: “Death Wish”

Have any two human beings on the planet been better suited for each other? Tough on organized crime, tough of street gangs, total disregard and disdain for civil liberties. Granted, Charles Bronson died back in 2003, but his vigilante characters are immortal. It’s not too hard to picture Paul Kersey from the “Death Wish” series speaking at a Giuliani rally and declaring, “The underprivileged are beating our goddamned brains out. You know what I say? Stick them in concentration camps, that's what I say.”

Mitt Romney
Endorsed by: Michael Douglas
Notable in: “Black Rain”

Mitt Romney’s Ward Cleaver, clean-cut looks can only go so far. Romney needs advice on how to rough up his image. Michael Douglas has a lot of experience in that area, because he tried to do just that in the failed action film “Black Rain.” I can already picture Romney in a leather jacket and black shades spouting out maverick cop advice to the American people like, “Sometimes you should forget your head and grab your balls.”

Dennis Kucinich
Endorsed by: Orko
Notable in: “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe”

I know Kucinich recently dropped out of the race, but I think a campaign with two Trollian minds from the 8th dimension working together could conceivably create peace across this great land.

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originally posted: 01/26/08 04:06:26
last updated: 01/26/08 07:27:30
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