by Cristopher Revilla and Marc Kandel
That's right FUCKO'S! The Court of Public Opinion is Back!
It was a matter of time. One of these days, we said, we finally would have enough regarding the utter stupidity that sometimes some celebrities and media people show in such aghast numbers. And sure enough we are back. We are now here ready to tear new assholes left, right and center, after a shitty month of June. Oyez, Oyez, Oyez, this Kourt is now in Session! Judge Grandma Tiberius Dynamite and Judge Severus Slydorff presiding!
Judge Slydorff: Well Well well, nice to see that there's a crowd here. In fact, this crowd is so big I'm starting to get the feeling of taking a piss pretty quickly. Judge Dynamite, you start first with the docket!
Judge Dynamite: Alright you fucko's let's go ahead and get this show on the road. And by the way, welcome Judge Slydorff! A pleasure to have you aboard. We have a multitude of sinners before us. Let us make a fine road on their bones.
THE CASE: I’m a whore. But I do kiss on the mouth.
THE DEFENDANT: Megan “if you were born between 1993-1995 I am your first hard-on and most 80-year olds’ last” Fox
Don’t believe me?
Its okay. Happens to everyone. Push it down and keep reading.
THE CRIME: Being a dumb fucking idiot.
THE EVIDENCE: From Starpulse
Fox: 'Acting Is Like Prostitution'
2 June 2009 1:00 AM, PDT
Actress Megan Fox hates filming sex scenes - because it makes her feel like a "prostitute"….
…But Fox is not keen on shooting intimate scenes with co-stars - because she doesn't like the idea of people paying to watch her feign attraction the big screen.
…"When you think about it, we actors are kind of prostitutes…
We get paid to feign attraction and love. Other people are paying to watch us kissing someone, touching someone, doing things people in a normal monogamous relationship would never do with anyone who's not their partner. It's really kind of gross…”
Geebus Fucking Christ on Toast.
Meg, if you ain't taking the cock for coin you have no business calling anything prostitution. If your career entire consists of arching your back, leaning over and occasionally “making out” with a co-star while "in-character"... you are a very lucky lady to reap such enormous monetary rewards without having to abase yourself before even one pendulous wang. If they throw you some lines, congratulations, you're a working actor. Shut the fuck up and enjoy the fact that you have at least a minor chance at doing what you love for a living while the rest of us saps putter around in our cubicles and counters.
Actors are liars. So are writers, so is any storyteller- the trick is creating truth in the world you are presenting to the audience. Oops, waitasec, who am I trying to explain this to? A dayplayer whose superb aesthetics nudged her into a higher pay bracket.
Here's the thing though- Megan actually knows it, cops to it, and even manages to be charming while she's doing it. Let's go to the list (from IMDB):
"Hollywood is the most superficial thing you could possibly be a part of and if I weren't attractive I wouldn't be working at all."
"I think one day I could be a very good actress. But so far, I haven't done anything."
I think the first time I noticed Megan was in an episode of "Two and a Half Men". Her role? Superbly endowed eye candy. Next time, the first Transformers. Her role? Superbly endowed eye candy. Sure, she was playing a different “character,” but the poor thing could barely get a word in edgewise before the cameras drifted away from her dialogue and began pouring over her body with the steady, precise attention of an MRI. Her thoughts on that role? From IMDB.com:
I'm terrible in it. It's my first real movie and it's not honest and not realistic. The movie wasn't bad, I just wasn't proud about what I did.
Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and assume "the movie wasn't bad" was her code for "paychecks rule".
As for Michael Bay’s main directorial input to his lead actress, Megan had this to say: “His main note to me is just to look hot; so I try my best.”
Interestingly enough, I think this says far more about Bay’s ineptitude than it does Megan’s. And speaking of Bay’s ineptitude, Megan had even more to say on the subject in Entertainment Weekly both in print and video:
"I mean, I can't s--- on this movie because it did give me a career and open all these doors for me. But I don't want to blow smoke up people's a--. People are well aware that this is not a movie about acting."
“I don't know if that's -- I mean, I'm in the movie, and I read the script, and I watched the movie, and I still didn't know what was happening. So, I think if you haven't read the script, and you go and you see it and you understand it, you may be a genius.... This is a movie for geniuses.”
Holy shit. Did I just say she was afraid for her paycheck? If anyone has the opportunity to feel this chick up, try not to get your hand pinched between those brass balls tucked away somewhere in those magnificent folds. She’s actually incited the ire of her biggest fan, Michael “I can jerk off and work a handheld at the same time!” Bay.
I’d nail Bay’s ass to the wall over this latest proof of his hackneyed stupidity and insanely inflated hubris, but it’s a long docket, and frankly we have seven reviews and counting on our humble site , any one of which does a perfectly fine job of filleting Bay’s ethics, product, and poor understanding of spatial geometry when it comes to shots not of Megan’s supple gams and luxurious cleavage. Back to our disgruntled lady.
Megan, between films, try tackling a Wendy Wasserstein play, or a vagina monologue (not a pictorial- though I certainly wouldn’t shoo you away from that option), or try your hand at Hedda Gabler (You'll like that one- it’s about a woman who would rather eat a gun than take the cock). Try feigning any complex emotion. If she still things actors are prostitutes after that, I'll happily empty my bank account for her pickle chugging expertise. Oh... Wait... she has something else to say...
"Boys in their twenties are a waste of time. They have nothing to offer conversationally; they're immature. I feel like I have a better shot with someone in his thirties."
THE VERDICT: Prosecution calls for an immediate dismissal of charges. Kourt complies and issues an immediate apology. I have to go home and break up with my wife, and find a cheap ticket to Los Angeles. S'cuse me.
THE CASE: Puffy feeds the elephant-man in the room a peanut.
THE DEFENDANT: Shawn "P-Diddy" "Puffy" "Seanjean", "Some other insipid hip-hop handle" Combs
THE CRIME: Throwing a laughable, childish, attention-gorging tantrum badly disguised as righteous grief at the BET Michael Jackson Tribute.
Judge’s Disclosure: I still think Jackson was a boy-hungry Beatle-thief, but that’s not the issue at hand.
From The NY Daily News
If your intention is to celebrate a deceased artist's achievements, then Jamie Foxx had the right idea- no maudlin whimpering, no speculation on the "did he" or "didn't he" areas of the man's life, no focus on the sideshow oddity he became- instead, celebrate the music, accentuate the positive. I might not personally agree with giving Michael Jackson a pass on the monumental fucked-uppery of his life, but I understand the sentiment, I did like the music from his heyday, and I can understand wanting to emphasize the feelings his work gave the listener, the inspiration, the sheer achievement of the man in the songwriting realm and how damn good, timeless, and fun the songs are. Yes. Go for it. Good idea. Turn it up.
Unless you're Sean Combs- shitass hip-hop musician, sometime sweat-pant salesman and piss n' vinegar (and 8-Ball?) filled celebrity buzzkill. Here’s Diddykins’ rant during Man in the Mirror:
“While you guys are talking and laughing, you’re not hearing his words. You’re not listening to his words. I need you to hear what he’s saying! Listen to the message that he is telling us.”
Diddy Kong continued his indignant tirade atop the podium during “Mirror” which he kicked up to full volume, shouting over the music, “Michael, I hear your words — I hear what you’re saying!”
Even if no one else can. Even if your hissy fit is now the focal point for the whole room despite this not being an evening for your talking-in-the-movie-theater styled shenanigans.
The entertainers on hand wanted to reach for something different, yet still respectful- think “Irish Wake” with a sound system instead of liquor. There are plenty of places you can go to sob, rend your clothes and pound your chest. Go buy a ticket to the Staples Center tribute. Fund your own tribute where you can talk over all the songs you want. Stand around Neverland Ranch in sackcloth with a candle or a burning dildo. Start a blog. Foxx set the rules to this particular shindig, you knew how this evening was being handled, but like any rotten child in the middle of a game not going his way, you had to smash your hands down on the board and ruin everyone else’s experience, you gormless nobody.
VERDICT: Guilty, yo.
SENTENCE: Sit your lame ass down at a sewing machine in Taiwan putting together your shitass clothing line alongside the hundreds of underpaid workers that enable your despicably bloated bank account, and therefore your ability to smear the airwaves with your petulant blather.
I’ve go no musical punishment for you other than continuing to produce the swill you currently offer to the sheep constituency of the hip hop world; popular though it is, it won’t have the shelf life of a Michael Jackson. Just remember that – your achievements, your “artistry”, whatever you shill, if it is inspired by Jackson its at best a faint hollow echo of the source, certainly nothing original or timeless (just being labeled “hip-hop” stamps a “best consumed by” date on it) and when its over, its over- you won’t be crashing the internet, you won’t be celebrated as a monumental, soulful artist that kicked off a new age of music, and after this debacle I sincerely doubt you’ll rate any BET tribute more than a 15-second spot of Jesus Juice being poured on the ground with the tagline “Diddy- Peace Out, May He Continue to Shut the Fuck Up” at the bottom of the screen.
Now if you'll excuse me, my wife is demanding an explanation for all these pictures I’ve downloaded in order to build my cases. And Judge Slydorff won’t come out of the bathroom… and he has one of my socks. Eyugh.
Judge Slydorff: Do Not Despair Judge Dynamite, I'm now back, so you so you are free to go with your wife and explain all those goody pics. Careful with the missus now, she can give way any day of the week now. Let us continue with the first part of this docket!
THE CASE: The White House Fly Swatting Incident involving President Barack Obama and a former maggot.
THE DEFENDANT: Terrorist supporting organization known As the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals AKA PETA
THE CHARGE: Being opportunistic morons for the 4,589th time whenever there is an instance of a small, insignificant, worthless creature biting the dust.
I don’t mind supporting any legitimate cause, like the protection of endangered animals, plant life, the world itself, less airbrushing and more bush photos in Playboy magazines (Come on! Their recent spreads have been so disappointing it’s not even funny!), as well as the usual stuff about equal rights to everyone.
But then there’s a disclaimer about beer where it says you shouldn’t drink in excess. Excessiveness makes us cross border on the doing of stupid and ridiculous things. And when someone starts taking any of these causes I mentioned before into ridiculous extremes, then that’s when you usually go “ok, that’s not what I had in mind, leave me alone, you fucking weirdo.” This is the sort of reaction I get whenever I hear the words PETA.
PETA have done some good exposing several institutions and their inhumane tactics regarding tests with animals and such, but any good work and credibility boost is immediately carved off thanks to their ridiculous and outright stupid campaigns as “Beer over Milk”, “Holocaust on Your Plate”, “Animals are New Slaves”, and of course, “Your Daddy Kills Animals”.
They encourage the systematic trashing of institutions and liberation of test animals regardless of the potential consequences it may have in releasing a potentially infected animal into the world, or the greater good said animals serve identifying potential cures or hazards for humanity. Which of course leads to their support of the Animal Liberation Front, an organization that was named as a domestic terrorist threat group by the FBI and Homeland Security. PETA founder Ingrid Newkirk is certainly proud of that connection, as she boisterously said: “Thinkers may prepare revolutions but bandits must carry them out.” Bravo Miss Newkirk, you’re an inspiration to every extremist group out there. Certainly the Islamic Jihad factions must get a chunk of approbation from you when they aren't fellating themselves over almighty Allah.
Good old PETA unearthed its ugly head yet again when President Obama swatted with lethal precision a pesky fly during an interview with CNBC’s John Hardwood.
It was a funny incident because the President was discussing an important piece of politics and the fly buzzing around was distracting, so he did what everyone else in our household does whenever we encounter such situation: scare him off and if he persists, kill the little bitch. But since we know your typical journalist will cut his left ball off if it means getting any exclusive, the press swarmed over the incident. It didn’t take long for the Spokesman for PETA Bruce Freidrich to come out and say the following:
“We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals… Believe it or not, we've actually been contacted by multiple media outlets wanting to know PETA's official response to the executive insect execution… In a nutshell, our position is this: He isn't the Buddha, he's a human being, and human beings have a long way to go before they think before they act."
This statement is so wrong, so inane, and so dumb, let’s just start with the obvious: It’s a fucking fly, for Christ’s sake! They carry diseases, fecal matter and all kinds of gobshite enough to make someone literally and figuratively ill. PETA for some reason always makes the case for animals over humans, which hints at a case of mental retardation. Here’s what I get from this statement: I should not be killing invasive flies, nor cockroaches, nor black widow spiders, nor rodents, nor snakes or any other creature in my space that may be potentially harmful to my well being or my family’s, I should get bitten or infected or killed by these pests because my life isn’t worth a pinch of shit compared to these animals.
Hell, let’s take this thinking to a new level, I shouldn’t be eating fruits or vegetables because all I’m doing is eating the vegetables ovaries, and throwing away the seeds that could give birth to more tomatoes, apples, avocados, bananas, watermelons and the like. Imagine for a second, if someone came and ate a woman’s uterus and ovary; that’s what these vegetables would be going through. So let’s throw our own survival in favor of the plants and animals well-beings. Let’s ban flower shops or people cutting flowers or roses to satisfy their own egos, YOU’RE KILLING THESE PLANTS INHUMANELY!
Finally. Someone has given reason for the existence of M. Night Shamalan's "The Happening" than the movie itself could.
But again, this is coming from an organization that systematically euthanized 80 animals in 2005 in North Carolina after rescuing them from the shelters that were “brutally killing them”, only to kill them anyways using “less brutal methods” (Gee-whiz, I thought these people were in favor of animal rights, not animal rights of death); this is also coming from an organization that has even been trashed by other animal rights groups questioning their bullshit tactics.
This comes from an organization that tells children that milk is bad for your health, that hunting or fishing is bad for you, even if it’s the only available source of food in your area, that wearing fur is bad, even though Eskimos and rural tribes all over the world that live off hunting would love to disagree with them.
Finally, this is also coming from an organization that went so far out as to try and change the names of towns like Hamburg and Fishkill in New York, and Rodeo, California, because it suggested cruelty to cattle and fish. Right, in that case, I should send my crazy Christian friends out to Michigan to lobby that the town of Hell be changed to Heaven because the former suggests that the people in that town are Devil worshippers. Hell, they even asked the Pet Shop Boys to change their name! Thankfully they haven’t gone against the Monkees, or The Animals, or The Turtles for that matter!
Of course, I’m sure there’ll be some defenders of these people, namely several Congressmen and Hollywood celebrities that donate their cash to this organization’s cause, which pretty much prove the fact that most congressmen and celebrities don’t have any fucking brains at all. While researching this case, an article from columnist Mark Morford of the San Francisco Chronicle attempted to put some sense in this whole PETA fly debacle by analyzing the nature and the violence of life regarding us humans and the animals that sometimes we treat cruelly.
A nice read, but Mr. Morford misses the point about the issue regarding humans and animals. He never addresses the main issue, which is “who gave mankind the right to kill animals and plants regardless of species?” Was it God? Doubt it, God is just a material concept. The answer is pretty simple. NATURE itself. We as human beings have to root plants out and eat them, and hunt and kill animals down and eat them for our own very survival and to sustain ourselves, and (regarding tribes) use their furs to protect us from the harsh weather. We don’t do that, here’s what happens to us: WE FUCKING DIE!
PETA isn't big on human life, so I suppose that wouldn't bother them much. Granted, this overpopulated mud-ball could use some pruning, but that's what Swine Flu and dying Korean dictators are for. Is this the message that PETA and those other morons want to give out? Well fuck you, you hypocritical dumb-asses.
THE VERDICT: Guilty as fuck! PETA – terrorist supporters, hypocrites, abusers.
THE SENTENCE: Court sentences Ingrid Newkirk, her cronies, and all dumbasses who support her and her organization to be given 100 W doses of electroshock therapy so they can jolt some common sense and understanding of the natural food chain into their brains. This court also orders the defendants that for their next pep rally that instead of serving veggie burgers, that they serve beef burgers from the nearest fast food restaurant, so that they get the lesson that you don’t send a plant to do a cow’s job. The court also orders that for their next calendar of naked celebrities, that they omit the already annoying tagline “I rather go naked than wear fur”, and change it to “I love to eat meat, you want to eat some of this?” and their respective variables from this sentence.
Failure to obey these rulings will result in Miss Newkirk and her ilk and her big money supporters to be chained on an airplane flight towards the Kenian-Tanzanian border and serve a full year as guests of the African Maasai tribe, so they can eat the ration of milk, meat, and blood, 3 times a day, seven days a week, to the sound of the Pet Shop Boys song “What Have I Done To Deserve This”, and wonder aloud as to why this tribe has never fallen ill to cancers or strokes nor cardiovascular diseases by consuming this very diet.
Better yet, send Miss Newkirk to work on an actual farm and try and like the old "pound of flesh" parable, challenge her to obtain some form of subsistence from the ground that doesn't involve killing. Harvesting crops, even vegan glory crops like soybeans routinely kills hundreds of field animals like rabbits, moles, etc., to say nothing of the amount of vermin you must exterminate in order to preserve your "guiltless" crop. Unless you are prepared to sort each crop by hand and sit there shooing away every insect, raccoon and crow, you are shit out of luck for your tenuous morality and pretty fucking hungry to boot.
With this case closed, we'll take a short break to relax our wrath and check our libidos. Kourt is in recess!
link directly to this feature at http://www.efilmcritic.com/feature.php?feature=2791
originally posted: 07/07/09 14:44:22
last updated: 07/08/09 12:22:14