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by K-Dog

Have you ever had the unbearable sense of foreboding that something awful is about to happen? A premonition, if you will? Why do I ask? Because I get that every time I walk in to a see a new movie. And nine times out of ten my premonition is correct. It's getting to the stage where I am beginning to totally lose faith in movies. And it is all your fault. Don't blame hollywood for making big budget crap films. You, the general cinema-going public are the guilty party.

Ever since I was a child I have been addicted to these ninety or so minute spectacles. From all over the world, from their inception to the present, these movies have enthralled me, entertained me to the point of me being consumed by them. But ever since the mid '90s I have realised the following; Movies have become a vacuous whore to the money spent by you.

You might be thinking that I am a bitter old man that cannot stomach the next generation of movies, and thus am assigning blame to those who watch them. Well, you couldn't be more wrong. I'm only twenty-five. Yet still, nearly every film I watch is mentally raping and robbing me of some part of my intellect, comparable to being anally-taken by your local priest in a gimp outfit (not a nice experience).

All the way throughout the nineties, people have said, 'This is the worst year for movies' and it is unbelievable that they are continually right. But they don't see that they are to blame for this. Hollywood believes we want to see the crap they produce, and who can blame them? If they make a bad film, and it makes money, then they will make another bad one. This is just sound business sense. You can't blame them. You rent out the crap they produce on video, so they will make more. It's your fault, Godless reader, you are the reason I'm bitter. You pay money to see awfully bad films. Get some taste people! They produce what you ask for. Don't go see ID4, Mortal Kombat or Unbreakable, read a review first!

These bad films are spreading like god damn wildfire and it is the public that makes it so. Frankly, you have no taste and if I could I would take film away from you forever and spank you like the evil children you are!

But I hear you retort, 'you've seen all of these films too, you hypocrite!' Yeah, I have, but all mine were seen for free! I haven't spent money on a new movie for years, so I have to endure the crap you have paid for.

So here are some quick things you should remember about film to aid you in getting better taste.

- MTV style direction is not enough to make a film cool

It takes a lot of thought to enhance a film by direction and it seems that we have a new generation of directors that feel that they can do this well. (Example - McG). If you see a film from an ex MTV director or ad director, the film will most likely be geared as a mastabatory exercise on behalf of the director, meaning little else in the film will matter (script, acting etc.) It is not genius, it is annoyance unless handled well. Guy Richie is a prime example of an excellent MTV style director that knows how to make visuals look aesthetic on screen and enhance the film. Tarsem on the other hand cannot. Become aware of Directors. They will most likely tell you if the film will be good. If you see the name 'Emmerich' you know it will be mindless pap. 'Columbus' means sentimental family crap. 'Fincher' means well executed intelligence on film. 'Lucas' means dire trite that cost far too much, but brainwashed people will line up for it for three days regardless.

- Violence and sex should advance the story, not stall it.

If a film is just an excuse for violence then it doesn't make it good. If you think it does, go up a bell tower and shoot passers-by, you sick bastards. If it is useful in the plot, no matter how explicit, it is good. For example Hellraiser used violence to extreme to advance the plot. New York Ripper was just violence for the hell or it.

If a film is just an excuse for sex then it doesn't make it good. (unless it is a porn film - then god bless it!) If you think it does advance a plot, get laid. But if it is useful in the plot, no matter how explicit, it is good. For example Romance used sex to extreme to advance the plot, but compost like 'Poison Ivy' and 'Two moon junction' is just an exercise in trying to show tits and call it a thriller.

- CGI used for CGI's sake is not good

Films with loads of CGI are most likely to suck. Any film that uses FX as an alternative to reality when the real thing is readily available, is a sign that the movie is lazily put together (Pixar excluded as their movies are just CGI). An example of a film that uses FX well is Sleepy Hollow. Both the physical and CGI flow as one and are not as obvious as, say, Star Wars Episode 1, which was just overbearing in it's use of CGI (THAT FILM WAS BAD - WHEN WILL YOU PEOPLE WAKE UP AND REALISE THAT). Starship troopers used it well to the effect that was needed.

- Sequels are bad.

For every film that is a good sequel, there are 30 that are not so it is 30-1 that the sequel will suck.

Example: Godfather 2 was an excellent sequel - It improved and expanded well on the original.
Whereas these did not: Crow 2, Lawnmower man 2, Poltergeist 2 & 3, Exorcist 2, Cannonball Run 2, Little Mermaid 2, Grease 2, The Lost World, Highlander 2, 3 & 4, Hellraiser 3 & 4, Karate Kid 3, Stakeout 2, Star Trek: Generations, Fly 2, Nightmare on Elm Street 2,3,4,5, & 6, Halloween 3,4,5 & 6, Fortress 2, Pet Semetary 2, Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls,

- Go to see good films

Episode 1, Titanic, Charlies Angels, to name a few are NOT good. I will only say that your lack of taste have resulted in films becoming spectacle over substance. These films are considered box office smashes, whereas really well-written films like Fight Club, Bulworth, Three Kings are not. One can only assume that you, the public, are at fault. You didn't flock to see them at the cinema. Why? Are you stupid? They have found their popularity on video in some countries (especially with DVD) but they are still not considered smashes.

- Pick the critics you listen to

Most are liars, exaggerators, phoneys and sociopaths. They do not know a thing and they'll hype anything if they think they'll be quoted in advertising for it. So be critical of critics.

Basically I am just trying to say I loved movies, but the public made them bad. You made them bad. People have no taste. You have no taste.

And you shouldn't listen to me. I'm a critic.

I will go now and take my medication.

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originally posted: 12/11/00 22:35:31
last updated: 12/12/00 07:41:46
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