Whore Week comes to a head at eFilmCritic today as we unleash our annual breakdown of the worst that junketeer, TV-centric, faceless radio voices and members of the Broadcast Film Critics Association have to offer. The rankings are starting to get a little better and would look a helluva lot better if Warner Bros. was not so eager to litter their pre-hype with the worst of the worst. And they keep finding new ones too. Stop it! Start inviting real critics and intelligent interviewers to start the buzz. Stop giving free trips to smiling jackasses that we are just going to have to call out every year and every week one of your films comes out. Stop it! Look over our retrospectives of Peter Travers and Pete Hammond to see what a joke they are. If the dumbest kid with the most limited vocabulary on the block wants to tell you how much they enjoyed Cars 2, you pat him on the head and send him out of the room so the adults can talk. It is time to send the next ten names out of the room for good.
10. RICK FLORINO (Artist Direct) (6 Quotes. 4 Rotten Tomatoes. 3 Under 40%)
There were so many whores in the running for the #10 spot on our list this year. Pretty much anyone who lent a quote to recommend Red Riding Hood should immediately be put into a metal elephant and burned alive. We tend to lean towards those who have at least whored themselves out for five quotes. But there is one quote attributed to Rick Florino that is just too moronic to ignore and we may have made an exception if it was the only quote he provided. See if you can spot it.
"This year's best family film." (Rango) "A hyper-charged, high octane thrill ride locked and loaded with engaging performances and explosive action!" (The Mechanic) "The perfect film to ignite 2011!" (I Am Number Four) "Explosive. It will blow your mind." (Sucker Punch) "Best sequel ever. Raucous." (The Hangover Part II) "The year's best adventure." (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows)
Not too hard to spot, is it? Ever. Best. Sequel. EVER! Anyone could close their eyes, come up with a list of ten sequels and with the possible exception of The Odd Couple II, there is no wrong answer that wouldn't put it above The Hangover Part II. OK, maybe Caddyshack II. Doesn't matter. No matter how much you like that horrendously overpraised first film, if you think the second one is the "Best sequel ever" you don't deserve to ever watch a movie ever again. (Kudos to Nick Sansone for recommending Florino for a flogging based on just that quote. And Nick is 14.)
9. MARIA SALAS (America Teve) (9 Quotes. 5 Rotten Tomatoes. 4 Under 40%)
This is Salas' fourth time in the Top Ten. She was #6 in 2009 and #8 in 2010. So she is slowly slithering herself off the list. But there are still quite a few quote whores to beat and any placement here prove that "once a whore, always a whore." Especially for Warner Bros. who continue to be the worst offender when it comes to outsourcing opinion to non-critics. 7 of Maria's 9 quotes this year were for WB films.
"Terrifying." (The Rite) "Amazing. Fantastic." (X-Men: First Class) "Action-packed." (The Mechanic) "A wild ride. Stunning. The most action packed fun you'll have at the movies all summer." (Green Lantern) "You'll fall in love with this film. Perfect." (Crazy Stupid Love) "Hilarious" (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows) "Totally hilarious." (Horrible Bosses) "A must see. A laugh out loud hilarious comedy. Crazy." (Hall Pass) "Laugh-out-loud hilarious!" (Something Borrowed)
Maria clearly comes from the 25-words-or-less school of pitching. She doesn't say much ever. But look over those quotes again and then consider that the next four quotes came from just last year.
"Action-packed." (The Losers) "You'll fall in love with Life As We Know It. Heartwarming." (Life As We Know It) "You can't miss this movie. Laugh-out-loud fun." (Red) "Hilarious and irreverent. The laugh-out-loud comedy of the year!" (Due Date)
And three of those were for Warner Bros. too.
8. JAKE HAMILTON (12 Quotes. 7 Rotten Tomatoes. 4 under 40%)
In 2009, we called Jake Hamilton one of our "whores to watch." In 2010 we gave him the "Ben Lyons Next Generation Whore Award" representative of a young film journalist who chose to go the way of the devil instead of aspiring to forward the discussion of film beyond what will "rock" or "stir your soul." (His answers were The Book of Eli and Remember Me.) In 2011, Jake makes his way into the Top 10 and at this pace may be just 2-3 years away from getting his first Whore of the Year prize. Here's a taste of his output this year.
"Unforgettable." (Contagion) "Revolutionary." (Sucker Punch) "Wickedly original. It's unlike anything you've ever seen." (Cowboys & Aliens) "A rare cinematic gem." (Larry Crowne) "Viciously funny, uproariously vulgar and hilariously mean spirited. Being wrong never felt so right." (Bad Teacher) "Viciously exciting. Savagely terrifying. Ferociously entertaining." (Rise of the Planet of the Apes) "A spectacular wonder. Easily one of the year's best films!" (Water For Elephants) "One of the year's best films. Timely, personal and hilarious." (Larry Crowne) "A beautiful portrait of life, love and everything in between." (Crazy Stupid Love)
And here are Jake's other four quotes peppered with a little taste from 2010:
"Epic" (Immortals) (2010) "A visually awe-inspiring epic that will rock your soul." (The Book Of Eli) (2010) "An epic adventure for the entire family!" (Inkheart) (2010) "Epic! A cinematic masterpiece." (Watchmen)
"Not just the year's best family film...It's one of the year's best films-period." (The Muppets) (2010) "Not just the best of the series...It's one of the summer's best films." (The Twilight Saga: Eclipse)
"This is why we go to the movies. Awe-inspiring action and razor-sharp humor." (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows) (2010) "Awesome. Kick Ass. Adrenaline charged. The A-Team is the reason we go to the movies." (The A-Team)
"The thrilling powerhouse fans have been waiting for." (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1) (2010) "An emotional powerhouse that will stir your soul. Robert Pattinson gives a raw and gut-wrenching performance." (Remember Me)
Do guys reconsider their friendships with other guys if they speak so highly of the Twilight series? If not, Jake's friends should start.
After finding her way into the Top Ten in 2008, the beautiful but critically-challenged Miss Keagan scaled it back in '09 & '10 garnering only 2 quotes each year. She came back in a big way in 2011 and probably would have ranked even higher if she was quoted on anything past the second week of September. 11 quotes in 9 months. And if you think saying "Edge of Darkness will keep you on the edge of your seat" or that 27 Dresses gave us "27 more reasons to love Katherine Heigl" was stupid, then you haven't heard true stupidity yet.
"Sweet" (Crazy, Stupid, Love) "Smart." (The Mechanic) "Sexy. Brilliant." (Sucker Punch) "It's not just a movie, it's a celebration!" (Glee 3-D Concert Movie) "The year's most intense thriller." (Contagion) "Biggest, best surprise of the summer." (X-Men: First Class) "Hall Pass is the funniest movie of the year." (Hall Pass) "A blast. Funny! Wear a diaper, it's that good!" (30 Minutes or Less)
Those were the reasonable quotes. Notice four more WB shout-outs there? And when we are talking true stupidity we're not even referring to her calling the Anthony Hopkins exorcism flick, The Rite, "an instant classic" or the Liam Neeson spy-who-loses-his-memory flick, Unknown, as "Taken meets The Bourne Identity." Have you braced yourself for stupid? Take it away, Carrie.
"Star Wars meets Iron Man." (Green Lantern)
Even Trekkers are apologizing to Star Wars fans for that bit of association.
Poor Jeffrey Lyons. Not only has he found his way back into the Top Ten after his first absence in Criticwatch's history in 2010, but Junior Lyons - Ben - was shown the door over at E!, the network of whores. We wonder if Ben will be working overtime to get his name on quotes in 2012 to preserve his place in the spotlight. We understand Ebert's show could use a boost. Care to kill that one for good again? Oh, I'm sorry Jeff, we forgot all about you. What did you have to say?
"Wonderful." (Sholem Aleichem: Laughing in the Darkness) "Utterly charming!" (Love Etc.) "Extremely touching and inspiring. An unforgettable story of courage and determination." (The Music Never Stopped) "A delightful family comedy." (The Greening of Whitney Brown) "A funny, bizarre black comedy...skillfully made and perfectly acted." (Lucky) "Bizarre, unpredictable...full of mayhem!" (The Rum Diary) "Matthew McConaughey's best performance!" (The Lincoln Lawyer) "One of the year's best!" (The Women on the 6th Floor) [br] "This one's not to be missed!" (Exporting Raymond)
Ack...this is boring. Where's the good stuff, Jeff? Where's the rolodex of quotes and adjectives you normally dish from? Give us more of that.
(2011) "A powerful, well-acted thriller!" (The Son Of No One) "A powerful thriller...An intense who-done-it!" (Suspect Zero)
(2011) "A powerful family saga with compelling performances. Persuasive performances, outbursts of robust humor and a vivid...Evocation of time and place." (White Irish Drinkers) "A riveting psychological thriller, a microcosm of the tense, turbulent times in which we live." (Civic Duty)
(2011) "A riveting crime drama. Colin Farrell is the quintessential anti-hero of our time." (London Boulevard) "An intense, superbly acted, and riveting police drama." (Pride and Glory)
(2011) "An astonishing look at a madman you won't soon forget." (The Devil's Double) "Phenomenal…A movie you’ll never forget." (The Stoning of Soraya M.)
(2011) "One of the most powerful, shocking true-life dramas you are likely to see all year." (The Whistleblower) (2011) "A story that will shock and amaze you. I loved it." (Oranges and Sunshine) (2011) "Astonishing! Some of the most shocking, realistic depictions of warfare you are ever likely to see." (5 Days of War) "A shocking, stunning crime drama masterpiece from one of the great filmmakers of our time!" (The Departed) "Stunning and shocking! Not to be missed!" (The U.S. vs. John Lennon) "One of the year’s best. Stunning, shocking, superbly acted…" (Thirteen) "Stunning…shocking…powerful. Jon Voight gives a compelling performance." (September Dawn)
(2011) "Enormously entertaining!" (Henry's Crime) (2011) "Enormously entertaining. Superb special effects." (X-Men: First Class) "A poignant love story. Enormously entertaining." (Last Chance Harvey) "An enormously entertaining thriller." (The Island) "An enormously entertaining film. Intelligently written, directed and acted. (Nola) "Enticing, exhilarating and enormously entertaining." (Take the Lead) "Lots of fun; inventive and enormously entertaining. You and your family will be hooked!" (Shark Tale)
(2011) "A fresh take on the old formula. Enormously funny." (The Change-Up) "Enormously funny!" (Over the Hedge) "Enormously funny, with side splitting laughs." (Elf) "Enormously funny! Mike Myers’ talent is endless. He will have parents in stitches!" (The Cat in the Hat) "Intelligently-directed and gives a refreshing new take on a familiar premise. Tender and touching." (One Last Thing…) "It is tender, touching, and parents will cry unashamedly. It brings a new take on the classic tale... Or tail." (Lassie)
(2011) "The wittiest, funniest and most entertaining heist comedy in recent years!" (Tower Heist) "One of the wittiest, fast-paced animated films in years!" (Teacher’s Pet) "A terrific Disney film for everyone. It’s one of the best animated films I’ve seen in years." (Bolt) "One of the best children’s movies in years." (Lassie) "One of the warmest and gentlest films in years." (When Did You Last See Your Father?) "I haven’t had this much fun at the movies in years!" (Only the Strong Survive) "It’s funny, it’s witty…This is headed to the best picture of the year list! Scarlett Johansson is one of the great actresses of her generation. Scoop is Woody Allen’s finest film in years." (Scoop)
Yeah, that's the Lyons shtick we love to hate.
5. JAMI PHILBRICK (5 Quotes. 4 Rotten Tomatoes. 4 Under 40%)
Mr. Philbrick burst onto the scene in late 2009, getting quoted on a film that to this day maintains its 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes - Transylmania. Look it up. "A laugh riot that ignites the screen with sexiness," said Jami. Just a year later he had finished 7th in the Whore of the Year race and, I'm sorry, but we just have to replay some of these quotes from 2010:
"High-flying family fun!" (The Spy Next Door) "Purr-fect! A 3-D spectacular for the whole family!" (Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore) "The perfect date movie." (The Back-Up Plan) "Fun. Sexy. Entertaining. Cher & Christina make a phenomenal team. Christina was born to play this role. It is official...The musical is back!" (Burlesque) "Bullet-blazing action and demon-killing satisfaction." (Legion)
Burlesque was so bad it may have killed the musical. Though Julianne Hough may be doing her best to help with the remake of Footloose and the upcoming Rock of Ages. No "perfect date movie" involves a man finding out the woman he is casually seeing is pregnant. And it appears that Philbrick has obligated himself to whoring himself out for at least one otherworldly goofball monster movie. First it was Transylmania, then it was Legion, and in 2011 it was....
"Super funny and very scary! Routh and Huntington have classic chemistry." (Dylan Dog: Dead of Night)
Only five wide releases this year registered a worse rating than this travesty of comic horror - Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son, Jack and Jill, Abduction, The Roommate and Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star. Dylan Dog is the 6th worst reviewed film of the year and Jami Philbrick put his name on it. Along with these...
"The Dilemma is hilarious." (The Dilemma) "An underwater thrill ride. Suspenseful! The 3-D is spectacular! It's so exciting that you'll hold your breath through the entire movie." (Sanctum) "Well-written, beautifully directed and wonderfully acted. Captivating...The best crime film of the year." (Texas Killing Fields) "One of the best films of the year. Holmes is back." (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows)
First, the musical. Now Sherlock Holmes. Hopefully next year, Jami Philbrick will not be back.
4. JEFF CRAIG (23 Quotes. 14 Rotten Tomatoes. 9 under 40%)
Until someone can send us an actual photo of this faceless entity, we are just going to assume that Jeff Craig is a cross-dressing Pete Postlethwaite doppelganger with a pig fetish. Prove us wrong. C'mon, we gave you a nice pic of the lovely looking but quote-challenged Carrie Keagan. Seriously, anyone sporting a picture of the real Jeff Craig and not his devil's double please come forward immediately. Anyone who can snap him in a theater actually watching one of the movies he usually just reads press releases for pays double respect. Sixty Second Preview. That's what he does people. He doesn't see all of these movies. Am I wrong? Come forward, Mr. Craig, and defend yourself. And some of these quotes:
"Pure fun." (Hall Pass) "Vince Vaughn and Kevin James are a perfect combo." (The Dilemma) "A bright comic adventure with heart. Owen Wilson is terrific. The cast is a comic dream team." (The Big Year) "Kevin Spacey is killer funny." (Horrible Bosses) "Russell Brand is a riot. Bright and charming, this is laugh-out-loud funny." (Arthur) "The surprise hit comedy of the year! Witty, charming and sexy! ****!" (I Don't Know How She Does It)
(NOTE: Final gross of I Don't Know How She Does It = $9.6 million)
"Bigger and bolder than the original." (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows) "Tops Taken in every way. Liam Neeson's most exciting action thriller yet." (Unknown) "The Eagle delivers authentically intense action. A riveting spectacle." (The Eagle) "Riveting, an unforgettable experience. This year's most ravishing romance. A tender and terrific film full of surprises, star power and smoldering passion!" (Water For Elephants) "An unforgettable experience. Altogether wonderful. **** A profound and joyful film." (The Help) "Sophisticated and moving. Clive Owen is superb." (Trust) "Imaginative, sweet, and intriguing. A true small gem." (Footprints) "**** Uplifting! So inspiring you'll stand up and cheer." (Dolphin Tale) "**** The feel great movie of the holidays." (We Bought a Zoo) "The most electrifying movie event of the year. Real Steel is spectacular. Tons of fun. ****" (Real Steel) "A breathtaking ride that keeps the twists coming. Intense and devilishly clever." (Source Code) "Breathtaking. Explosive and astonishing." (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2) "Explosively entertaining." (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows) "Fierce, visceral and terrifically entertaining!" (The Eagle) "Hilarious, action packed and outrageously entertaining. An amazing 3-D experience." (The Green Hornet) (2010) An amazing 3-D experience!" (Alice In Wonderland) "Prepare to be amazed ****" (Immortals) "A knockout thriller that will blow your mind." (Limitless) "**** A knockout in every way!" (Killer Elite) "The ancient legend like you've never imagined." (Red Riding Hood)
Again, we call for the metal elephant for one Mr. Jeff Craig. Not sure if it can roast ghosts, shadows and phantoms, but we would sure like to try.
3. MARK S. ALLEN (16 Quotes. 13 Rotten Tomatoes. 7 under 40%)
Rumor has it that the ratings on Mark S. Allen's Encore show, Mark At The Movies, have steadily declined over time. That is because most viewers who come in contact with it put a pistol in their mouth. Think Space Ghost only without the irony and self-awareness as Allen sucks off movies and celebrities quicker than he can down his oh-so-uber-hip glass of beer that he holds throughout, presumably to divert the use of the word "mug." What will be your alcohol of choice once you take a trip through his similarly-themed recommendations from 2011:
(2011) "Jason Statham makes kicking ass an art." (The Mechanic) (2011) "Edge of your seat, gut wrenching suspense!" (Straw Dogs) "Mesmerizing. A nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat experience that you'll remember forever. Truly great in every way." (The Ghost Writer) "Thrilling and jam-packed with edge-of-your-seat action!" (National Treasure) "Intelligent! Satisfying! Intense and relentlessly suspenseful! Awesome! Harrison Ford at his "best. Non-stop, nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat action and suspense!" (Firewall)
(2011) "The most fun you'll have at the movies this season" (The Green Hornet) (2011) "Amazing" (Red Riding Hood) (2011) "The most amazing movie this summer." (Cowboys & Aliens) "Awesome! The most amazing images you’ll see on the big screen this summer!" (Poseidon)
(2011) "Surprisingly heartfelt and hysterical!" (Crazy Stupid Love) (2011) "Hysterical, heartwarming and hugely entertaining!" (Happy Feet 2) "Hysterical and heartwarming" (Unaccompanied Minors) "Outstanding and hugely entertaining! One of the best films of the year!" (Freaky Friday)
(2011) "Chilling. Provocative and completely terrifying!" (The Rite) (2011) "Charming! It will leave you laughing long after the movie. "(Gnomeo & Juliet) "Thrilling. Smart. Sexy. Chilling, engaging. You’ll be feeling this film long after you leave the theater." (The X-Files: I Want To Believe) "Intelligent, thought provoking and intense beyond measure. You’ll be talking about it long after the end credits…" (Premonition)
(2011) "Like The Blind Side this movie is charming, fun and important." (Dolphin Tale) (2011) "The heart and soul of Rocky and The Champ...an instant classic." (Real Steel) "An instant classic" (Flipped) "An instant classic. The most unique, intense, satisfying film this year!" (Identity) "The funniest movie you’ll see this summer! Funny, charming and relentlessly honest!" (You, Me and Dupree) "Charming, funny and even better than the original" (Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous)
(2011) "A new comedy super duo is born! Funny and provocative, with the heart and soul only Ron Howard could bring. Vince and Kevin are perfect." (The Dilemma) (2011) "The new standard for no-holds-barred comedy!" (Horrible Bosses) ( 2011) Relentlessly wrong and funnier than the first. (The Hangover Part II) "Brilliant! Funny, action-packed and cooler than the first!" (Ice Age: The Meltdown)
(2011) "The best Twilight film yet! " (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1) The best Pirates yet! (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End) The best Spy Kids movie yet! (Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over) The best Resident Evil yet! (Resident Evil: Afterlife) Hilary Duff's best film yet... (Raise Your Voice)
And for, perhaps, his dumbest ass quote of 2011:
"Brilliant, engaging, and quite possibly the most original vampire movie you'll ever see!" (Priest)
And may you follow your fellow bloodsuckers right into the depths of hell, you whore!
And then there were TWO. But, Criticwatch has a first. Never do we look at the previous year's rankings until we have decided on the current one. We don't play the game employed by so many high-level award programs to spread the wealth around. The worst whores are the worst whores and each year is its own entity. Therefore without further ado, Criticwatch brings you a repeat of 2010's Top Two Whores...starting with...the recipient of the Pete Hammond Sloppy Seconds Award...for a second...straight...year.
2. JOEL AMOS (SheKnows.com / Moviefanatic.com)) (16 Quotes. 11 Rotten Tomatoes. 8 under 40%)
With the strong finish that Amos had in 2011, we flirted with the idea of giving him top honors. But this is still some pretty impressive whoredom. Only two years he has been on Criticwatch's radar and both years he is just a few quotes away from being crowned as the biggest whore of the year. Attached originally to a website called SheKnows.com(.tostayawayfromJoelAmos.org) he is now being credited to MovieFanatic.com. I am sure they are happy for the hits as shame is becoming less and less an issue for many websites. Rest assured, you are not winning points having this guy on your staff. So he liked Rango ("Johnny Depp is brilliant") and Moneyball ("One of the best sports movies of all time. Brilliant.") Perhaps "brilliant" is his code word when he's finally recommending a good film. Then again, he might have another word tucked away for that.
"Pure magic." (Super 8) "Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson have created pure magic." (The Adventures of Tintin)
Two purely magical quotes stamped and delivered to Paramount. He is also credited with these in 2011:
"Moms is marvelous! " (Mars Needs Moms) "Astounding. Reese and Robert sizzle. A love story for our times. " (Water For Elephants) "Mind-bending. " (In Time) "Pulse pounding. " (Colombiana) "The Farrelly brothers have done it again. Hall pass is a comedic explosion. Insanely funny. " (Hall Pass) "Finally a comedy that's romantic and funny! " (What's Your Number?) "Finally, a smart, witty comedy for adults. " (The Big Year) "Kate Hudson has never been better! The perfect date movie. " (Something Borrowed] "Sam Worthington has never been better. " (Texas Killing Fields) "Dane Cook is at his best. " (Answers To Nothing) "The most fun you'll have at the movies this year! " (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows) "The perfect family holiday comedy. " (Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked)
And these from 2010:
"The perfect family summer comedy. " (Marmaduke) "The perfect summer movie. " (The Sorcerer's Apprentice) "Hilarious! " (Going the Distance) "Hysterical. Awesome. " (Megamind) "Hysterical with a heart of gold. Hysterically funny! " (You Again) "You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll leave happy. " (Life As We Know It) "The first great romantic comedy of 2010. Jennifer Lopez is pure perfection. " (The Back-Up Plan) "The funniest film of the year. " (Due Date)
Can Joel Amos step forward and tell us the difference between Marmaduke being the perfect family comedy for summer and Chipwrecked being the family choice for the holidays? When has Sam Worthington or Dane Cook ever been at their best on screen? And how long was Joel waiting for a comedy that was "romantic AND funny?" Something Borrowed was already "the perfect date movie" in May, wasn't it? Why does The Big Year get the "finally" tag just two weeks after What's Your Number? That "R"-rated film was "romantic and funny" but the PG-rated Big Year was "smart, witty" and "for adults?" This is a moron at work. An idiot. A frackin' whore of the first order willing to attach his name to meaningless quotes without the brain power to realize how contradictory or similar they are. If you see Joel Amos' name on a film ad, you give that film the finger and you move on. If you ever see Joel Amos in person, give HIM the finger and maybe he will move on. Forever.
Finally, let's be realistic. You knew it was coming even before you started reading. Your 2011 Peter Travers Whore of the Year is.....
What needs to be said that hasn't been said already? This punchline of a "critic" has now been Criticwatch's Whore of the Year for 3 of the last 5 years, more than anyone else on our list. Doesn't this pretty much say it all?
At some point we will have to do a full retrospective of Edwards' quotes over the years, but 2011 is all we are going to make you stomach for now.
"Outrageous. Unpredictable. "(Hall Pass) "The Funniest Movie Ever!" (Bridesmaids) "Cameron Diaz gets an A+! It's flat out the funniest performance of the year." (Bad "Teacher) "Colin Farrell is unbelievably funny. **** The funniest comedy of the year!" (Horrible Bosses) "**** A genuinely funny and touching comedy classic. You can't help but love this movie!" (50/50) "A total laugh riot! Rowan Atkinson has never been funnier." (Johnny English Reborn) "The Wolfpack delivers again!" (The Hangover Part II)
"A true masterpiece! ***** The Beaver is a crowning achievement in American cinema. Expertly guided by Jodie Foster's precise and focused direction." (The Beaver) "A classic!" (Kung Fu Panda 2) "The best X-Men movie yet. Spectacular." (X-Men: First Class) "Exceptional! The most inspiring movie of the year. One of the best movies of the year." (The Help) "Refreshingly funny and heartfelt. Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts will put the biggest smile on your face this summer." (Larry Crowne) "The coolest, freshest and sexiest movie about life, love and relationships in years! It's this generation's When Harry Met sally. You'll love this movie." (Friends with Benefits) "Great music, and good times. You'll love it!" (Country Strong) "It's a celebration! Jump start your holidays." (New Year's Eve)
"Stylish." (The Mechanic) "****. Exhilarating. Unknown is the first great movie of the year!" (Unknown) "****. Cooper is terrific in this first-rate thriller of a movie." (Limitless) "The most thrilling movie of the year!" (Source Code) "An adrenaline fueled thrill ride with 5x the action and 5x the excitement. Five times the action, excitement and fun. A non-stop thrill ride! It will make your jaw drop and heart pound." (Fast Five) "An engaging and first-rate thriller!" (The Caller) "An intense...heart-pounding thriller." (Straw Dogs) "A top-notch stylistic action thriller! ****" (Killer Elite) "Jaw-dropping. Kick-ass 3-D." (Immortals) "Pure adrenaline. It's Independence Day meets District 9, except cooler." (Battle: Los Angeles) "Sexy cool." (Red Riding Hood) "One of the coolest vampire movies ever!" (Priest) "Stylish and completely romantic! One of the most epic love stories ever." (The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1)
Meanwhile his list of the overrated films of the year included The Muppets, Like Crazy, The Ides of March, Super 8, Water for Elephants, J. Edgar, Hugo, The Iron Lady, War Horse and Crazy Stupid Love
Coincidence that those films are about as whitey as you can get? We really could have just listed Red Riding Hood and Priest and that is enough to put Edwards into the Oldman elephant. Considering Shawn likes movies with people being burned alive in large metallic animal sculptures, as a group of ladies are in Immortals as well, it is really the best punishment we can think of this year. Put him in there with a loop of Mark S. Allen's TV show and Joel Amos whispering that "finally" we have a sacrifice fitting for adults that is "smart," "funny," and even a little "romantic." We already have awards named for Peter Travers and Pete Hammond. Shawn Edwards will never earn one of those. He will be free to win Whore of the Year honors for as long as studios continue to foolishly disgrace their films by allowing his name to promote them.
And there you have it. Another year in the books. If you have not already seen the Pete Hammond and Peter Travers retrospectives, we encourage you to do so immediately. We will be back with one final piece that should be a lot of fun. Not even sure the extent of it yet, but should involve some lists of the worst quotes of the year, a very special Peter Travers Top 10 and maybe even a Bag O'Douche Award .
As we approach yet another new year, Criticwatch continues to reach out to studios and their marketing arms to find some fresh blood. Not the usual suspects at junkets writing up questions from the pre-written press notes who close their eyes and point at the quotes provided them. Taking a chance on real film critics is not a chance at all. You will find those that like your movies. Unless you make some serious crap like Just Go With It, Jack and Jill and The Darkest Hour. Don't think we didn't notice that you couldn't even get whores like the ones above to get on board that junk. But just about everything else you can. Whether it is a Roger Ebert, an A.O. Scott, some well-known online critic or some lesser-known critic from online, radio, or print who can actually string two sentences together with something meaningful to say, reach out and take advantage of some of the best free marketing you have at your disposal. Whores cost you more than money, for they provide the immediate taint that you have already given up on finding someone who will say "I love you" and actually mean it.