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Criticwatch - The 2013 Quote Whores of the Year
by Erik Childress

To close out 2013, Criticwatch once again brings you the worst of the worst. Part of the downfall of film criticism. No, not the debate that suggests you can only like American Hustle OR The Wolf of Wall Street when you are free to like or dislike both equally. Or not. No, you would not be coming to Criticwatch for that. Though maybe in the future you will. It would certainly be a progression from the state of copy we continue to exist in when it comes to box office marketing. Heard a lot about what a great year it was for movies, but of the 148 wide releases this year, just 63 managed to be on the right side of a "fresh" rating at Rotten Tomatoes. Not to say that their weren't some great limited releases too, but quote whores generally are not needed to promote those. So let's get to what you came here for. Criticwatch presents to you: The Quote Whores of the Year!


10. KEVIN MCCARTHY (NerdTears.com)
(7 Quotes. 5 Rotten Tomatoes. 2 Under 40%)

There was a lot of competition for the #10 slot this year. Bill Bregoli was in the running. We were trying to justify a qualification by each whore having a minimum of five quotes which kept Manny De La Rosa off the list until he was quoted on Saving Mr. Banks. So we had to consider the crap he was recommending before. Seemingly anyone who recommended The Host or Paranoia had a shot and don't think we have overlooked you Nancy Jay of Daybreak USA. Ultimately we went with Kevin here. He's been trolling around as a possibility for years, but his seven quotes this year finally got him in. Don't let him getting his name on well-reviewed films like Gravity and Warm Bodies fool you. Five of his seven quotes were for Warner Bros. in 2013 and those were the only two positive ones of the lot. Gravity may indeed be "the game changing film of our generation" but it is McCarthy's lack of change in his other wording that earns him the ten slot.

"The perfect date movie." (Warm Bodies)
"A beautiful and captivating film that you will never forget!" (Water For Elephants)
"Hard-hitting." (The Fighter)
"That rare film that hits on every emotional level." (Crazy Stupid Love)
"One of the best films of the year! You will laugh. You will cry. You will fall in love." (Love and Other Drugs)

"Hilarious" (The Hangover Part III)
"Hilarious with a ton of heart." (The Internship)

"A funny, raunchy flick with a ton of heart!" (No Strings Attached)

"A masterpiece" (The Great Gatsby)
"A visual and epic masterpiece." (Man of Steel)
"Epic! Intense! That will leave you cheering! Action-packed!" (Olympus Has Fallen)

"Epic." (The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey)
"Powerful. Action-packed" (The Grey)
"Intense and powerful." (Twilight)
"A mind blowing masterpiece." (Super 8)
"A brilliant and epic masterpiece of cinema" (Prometheus)


9. JEFF CRAIG (Sixty Second Preview)
(5 Quotes. 3 Rotten Tomatoes. 2 Under 40%)

Roger Ebert asked for proof of Jeff Craig's existence back in 2001. Isn't it about time someone provided photographic evidence? Jeff Craig is the Yeti of the quote whore world. Hell, we even found Earl Dittman years back. But it is time for Jeff to either come forward into the spotlight or some aspiring photographer to snap a shot of him. Forget the Kardashians. Leave Alec Baldwin alone. Someone out there needs to track down Jeff Craig. Otherwise, we will continue to use this photograph someone suggested was the real deal. Believe us when we say we would love to have a second source to verify this. On the other hand, doing a pretend bit of journalism is fitting when describing Jeff Craig's contributions to press-release-based criticism. He was quoted five times in 2013. Prepare to be Craig'd.

"Prepare to be wowed" (Oz: The Great & Powerful)
"Prepare to be amazed" (Immortals)
"A perfect love story!" (Beautiful Creatures)
"Vince Vaughn and Kevin James are a perfect combo." (The Dilemma)
"The perfect holiday entertainment for the whole family." (The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader)
"Kristin Scott Thomas is perfection! Colin Firth is in top form!" (Easy Virtue)
"Robin Wright is perfection." (The Private Lives of Pippa Lee)

"A sexy, cool comedy." (Warm Bodies)
Sexy. (Valentine's Day)
Sexy and seriously funny. (Going the Distance)
The surprise hit comedy of the year! Witty, charming and sexy! (I Don't Know How She Does It)
Exhilarating. Electrifying. The coolest movie musical in decades. A total blast. (Rock of Ages)
This year's coolest animated comedy. A blast of fun. (Despicable Me)
This year's coolest comedy! (Monsters vs. Aliens)
A funny and inventive comedy. Planet 51 is loaded with funky cool animation and off-the-wall comedy. It is lots of fun. (Planet 51)

"A scorching thriller. A knockout. Suspenseful, sexy and Wickedly cool." (The Counselor)
"Jessica Biel is a sassy knockout!" (Easy Virtue)
"A knockout thriller that will blow your mind." (Limitless)
"A knockout in every way!" (Killer Elite)
"A knockout! You won't have a better time at the movies this year!" (Kung Fu Hustle)
"A hugely enjoyable knockout of a movie. You'll stand up and cheer." (The Karate Kid)
"A powerhouse thriller that throbs with action and suspense." (The Book of Eli)
"It throbs with fierce action and suspense." (Firewall)

"Riveting. Explosive. Exhilarating. Totally intense." James Franco is perfectly sinister. It's a knockout action thriller!" (Homefront)
"Riveting, an unforgettable experience." (Water For Elephants)
"Delivers authentically intense action. A riveting spectacle." (The Eagle)
"Intense! A relentless thriller." (Taken)
"Tops Taken in every way. Liam Neeson's most exciting action thriller yet." (Unknown)
"One totally intense ride." (Taken 2)


8. MARK S. ALLEN (Mark at the Movies)
(11 Quotes. 5 Rotten Tomatoes. 2 Under 40%)

This is a lower ranking than Mark has been used to. Part of that is an actual reduction in his quote total on the year. It took him until November to finally hit double digits and that is a good thing, even if it is still ten quotes too many from this celebrity sure-grip Swedish suck machine. Allen also managed to offset his aggrandizing hyperbole on some of the worst films of the year by getting himself quoted on some fairly praised titles. Note to studios: A quote whore by any other name is still a whore. You are not fooling anyone putting guys like Allen on your good product to make your bad product look better. Just the opposite. You make your good product look cheap. And that's what Mark S. Allen has always been. Cheap and easy to please. Watch his Reelz Channel show and see how often he breaks bad on a film. Scratch that. Never watch his Reelz Channel show. Just look at these quotes from 2013 and earlier and see why that is such good advice.

"Bold, brilliant, beautiful!" (Monsters University)
"Brilliant, imaginative and inspirational." (The Astronaut Farmer)
"Mind-blowingly brilliant! Fascinating, funny and relentlessly awe-inspiring." (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
"So perfectly acted, so brilliantly directed..." (Remember Me)
"Brilliant, engaging, and quite possibly the most original vampire movie you'll ever see!" (Priest)
"Brilliant and mesmerizing every step of the journey." (The Book of Eli)
"Pure genius. Brilliant in every way!" (Megamind)
"The most explosive cop drama in years. Brilliant in every way." (Pride and Glory)
"Brilliant!" (The Village)

"Full of grit and edge." (42)
"Mesmerizing. A nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat experience that you'll remember forever. Truly great in every way!" (The Ghost Writer)
"Edge of your seat, gut wrenching suspense!" (Straw Dogs)
"Thrilling and jam-packed with edge-of-your-seat action!" (National Treasure)
"Intelligent! Satisfying! Awesome! Harrison Ford at his best. Non-stop, nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat action and suspense!" (Firewall)

"Intense! Halle Berry is amazing!" (The Call)
"Intense, intelligent & the perfect cast!" (S.W.A.T.
)
"Intense, smart and very cool!" (Disturbia)
"Intense and relentlessly suspenseful!" (Firewall)
"The most unique, intense, satisfying film this year!" (Identity)
"Dynamic, intense and satisfying." (Contraband)
"Intelligent, thought provoking and intense beyond measure. You'll be talking about it long after the end credits…" (Premonition)

"Superbly acted. Spellbinding!" (Beautiful Creatures)
"An absolutely spellbinding, dazzling film that leaves you breathless." (The Great Gatsby)

"Exciting! Spectacular! Funny…and absolutely breathtaking from beginning to end!" (Meet the Robinsons)
"This fall's must-see film! Beautiful, breathtaking and fascinating throughout." (The Duchess)
"A masterpiece! Visually breathtaking and stunning in every way." (The Phantom of the Opera)
"Breathtaking and mind-blowing. One of the greatest graphic novel adaptations of all time!" (Watchmen)
"Quite possibly the first perfect action movie! Awesome, fun, funny with action sequences that will leave you breathless, but gasping for more." (The Rundown)

"An instant classic" (The Lone Ranger)
"An instant classic." (Flipped)
"An instant classic." (Identity)
"The heart and soul of Rocky and The Champ...an instant classic." (Real Steel)
"Spectacular! Remarkable in every way! Destined to be a classic" (Brave)

"Don't miss this ride." (The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones)
"A thrill ride!" (Edge of Darkness)
"The summer's biggest thrill ride!" (Terminator: Salvation)
"A big, big winner! Not to be missed!" (Just Wright)

"Epic" (Ender's Game)
"An epic and awesome experience." (300)
"Epic. Glorious. Unforgettable." (Australia)
"An epic 'Journey' for everyone." (Journey 2: The Mysterious Island)
"The best Pirates yet! Epic and amazing!" (Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End)

"Brilliant. An epic adventure that will be watched for generations." (Star Trek Into Darkness)
"A masterpiece! Visually stunning! This movie will be watched and loved for generations!" (Frozen)

"A masterpiece! An awesome example of movie perfection" (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)
"A masterpiece!" (Batman Begins)
"A masterpiece" (Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow)
"Brilliant! A Masterpiece!" (The Village)
"A masterpiece! Visually breathtaking and stunning in every way." (The Phantom of the Opera)
"Off-the-hook laughs…A comedic masterpiece that touches the heart." (Barbershop 2: Back In Business)
"Every moment, every scene, every snowflake...Amazing! Your heart will soar and you will believe. The most remarkable film you'll see for years to come." (The Polar Express)
"Your heart will be singing and your spirit will soar!" (August Rush)
"So perfectly acted, so brilliantly directed...This movie will become a part of you." (Remember Me)

"Awesome." (Anchorman 2)
"Awesome" (The Matrix Reloaded)
"Awesome!" (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest)
"A is for awesome!" (Easy A)
"An epic and awesome experience." (300)
"An awesome example of movie perfection" (Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban)
"Awesome! This summer's must-see!" (Bad News Bears)
"Awesome! The most amazing images you'll see on the big screen this summer!" (Poseidon)
"Awesome Even better than the first!" (Wrath of the Titans)
"Awesome action and intrigue, and all that is James Patterson!" (Alex Cross)
"Quite possibly the first perfect action movie! Awesome, fun, funny with action sequences that will leave you breathless, but gasping for more." (The Rundown)
"Intelligent! Satisfying! Intense and relentlessly suspenseful! Awesome! Harrison Ford at his best. Non-stop, "nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat action and suspense!" (Firewall)
"One of Disney's finest. Awesome for everyone!" (Home on the Range)
"Awesome. This is the Cinderella to remember." (A Cinderella Story)
"Zoinks, this movie is awesome!" (Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed)
"Awesome fun for thy whole family! Elephant sized laughs! Divine! Thou shalt laugh a lot!" (Evan Almighty)


7. CINDY PEARLMAN (Chicago Sun-Times)
(8 Quotes (all for Warner Bros.) 5 Rotten Tomatoes. 3 Under 40%)

Cindy Pearlman is one great big, gigantic shill for Warner Bros. Not even sure if that's the most disturbing part considering she is not even a film critic (but a celebrity columnist) and is based at the Chicago Sun-Times, the longtime home of Roger Ebert. All but two of her quotes since 2009 have been for Warner Bros. including all eight this year. She kicked off this year telling you that Beautiful Creatures was "Exciting!" and "Romantic!" But this is certainly one person the Guillermo Del Toro fans didn't want praising his latest film.

"Big summer action fun" (Pacific Rim)
"The party film of the summer!" (Rock of Ages)

And as much as we might agree that last year's The Dark Knight Rises was "Epic" and "A masterpiece," that praise looks rather meaningless coming from the mouth of the person who also said:

"Epic and thrilling. This Superman soars above the rest." (Man of Steel)
"An epic ending" (The Hangover Part III)

A very loose interpretation of the term "epic" to be certain. But it is hardly Cindy's favorite term. She once called Where the Wild Things Are "an instant classic." In 2013, she found four of them.

"An instant classic!" (Gangster Squad)
"The first great comedy of the year. An instant classic. Nonstop funny" (The Incredible Burt Wonderstone) - 38%
"An instant classic. Leonardo DiCaprio has never been better." (The Great Gatsby)
"An all-American classic. Harrison Ford is at his finest." (42)


This is the revelation that led WGN's Bill Moller to suggest that Cindy get herself a dictionary. When she eventually does, we are hoping she looks up the word "critic." When she is unable to understand the other words associated with that definition, she can try the word "shill." In fact, we'll help her out. Definition #2, Cindy.


6. JOEL AMOS (MovieFanatic.com)
(12 Quotes. 6 Rotten Tomatoes. 3 Under 40%)

The biggest instant rise on the annual quote whore list since the immortal Pete Hammond was this joker right here. From 2010-12 he managed to win two Pete Hammond Sloppy Seconds Awards before breaking through to become 2012's Whore of the Year. So this ranking has to be somewhat of a disappointment to the former contributor to SheKnows.com before moving on the MovieFanatic.com.

"Brilliant" (Iron Man 3)
"Brilliant." (The Counselor)


Joel is a man of few words. And is also a fan of action and sci-fi. Especially if they are released from Universal.

"Action-packed." (2 Guns)
"One hell of a thrill ride." (Riddick)
"Moving and magnificent." (Ender's Game)
"Unlike anything you've ever seen." (Oblivion)


Minority Report, Children of Men, Inception, Looper, nothing jogging your memory there, Joel?

"Gorgeous, lush and wildly romantic." (Beautiful Creatures)
"Finally a comedy that's romantic and funny!" (What's Your Number?)
"The first great romantic comedy of 2010. Jennifer Lopez is pure perfection." (The Back-Up Plan)

"The scariest movie you will see this year. Guaranteed." (Evil Dead)

Hmmm, funny how it wasn't exactly guaranteed when he made such a pronouncement over what was the funniest in 2012.

"The funniest comedy of the year." (This Means War)
"Sensational. Delightful. The funniest movie of the year." (Think Like A Man)
"The funniest movie of the year." (Ted)


That's a release in February, one in April and then another in July for you. He seemed to have a similar thing for late releases in 2010 & 2011 from Warner Bros. with Robert Downey Jr.

"The funniest film of the year." (Due Date)
"The most fun you'll have at the movies this year!" (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows)


Joel is moving away from the top two slots on the whore list. In 2014, maybe he won't make the top ten at all.

"Bad Boys on steroids." (Pain & Gain)
"Steve Carell makes movie magic." (The Incredible Burt Wonderstone)

"An instant comedy classic. The Campaign gets my vote." (The Campaign)

"Delightful and heartwarming." (The Best Man Holiday)
"Sensational. Delightful. The funniest movie of the year." (Think Like A Man)
"Hysterical and heartwarming. Fantastic fun for the entire family." (Hotel Transylvania)
"Hysterical with a heart of gold." (You Again)

"The perfect family film." (Escape from Planet Earth)
"The perfect holiday gift." (About Time)

"The perfect thrill ride." (Premium Rush)
"Kate Hudson has never been better! The perfect date movie." (Something Borrowed]/b])
"The perfect summer movie." (The Sorcerer's Apprentice
)
"The perfect family summer comedy." (Marmaduke)
"The perfect family holiday comedy." (Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked)


5. GREG RUSSELL (MyTV20 Detroit)
(10 Quotes. 8 Rotten Tomatoes. 3 Under 40%.)

Shawn Edwards' former partner is never going to be Shawn Edwards. But he certainly does live up to being his shadow. Four of the last five years, Greg has made the Top 10 Quote Whore List. He made it last year with just six quotes. The nine he has this year is his most since 2007 when he had 14 and called Transformers...well, read on to find out. He snuck in his 9th quote on the ads for The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug ("Stunning") and it was only the second quote of his on the year that was higher than 47% at Rotten Tomatoes. His other contained the kind of familiar pun that Greg has been either providing or accepting from studios for years and years. It joins his 10th quote on the year for Grudge Match which contains a similar pun that sounds dirtier than the rape jokes in the film.

"Frightening" (The Call)
"Scary as ever!" (Carrie
)

"Chilling." (Stephen King's The Mist)
"Chilling." (Gone)
"It's thrilling, it's chilling, it's spine-tingling!" (Van Helsing)

"A gritty, sexy thriller!" (Gangster Squad)
"Very suspenseful and thrilling." (88 Minutes)
"A slick, psychological thriller that will keep you riveted to the final credits." (Suspect Zero)
"Suspenseful and thrilling with an ending you won't see coming." (Orphan)
"You'll be guessing all the way till the end, and you'll still be wrong." (Taking Lives)

"Original. Surprising." (Pain & Gain)
"The funniest, most original comedy in years." (Meet the Robinsons)
"An amazingly original thrill ride." (Constantine)
"The most original movie of the year." (Transformers)

"A lot of action, a lot of laughs and a lot of fun!" (Red 2)
"Fun the whole family can enjoy!" (Herbie: Fully Loaded)
"A fun family film for all." (Fred Claus)
"Action packed fun" (Red Dawn (2012))
"Big time fun!" (Big Momma's House 2)

"Funniest film of the summer." (We're the Millers)
"Don't miss the furriest, funniest film of the spring!" (Furry Vengeance)
"Death has never been funnier!" (Death At A Funeral)
"Wildly entertaining! A laugh-out-loud hilarious romp!" (License To Wed)

"The magical thrill ride of the summer!" (Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters)
"An amazingly original thrill ride." (Constantine)
"A great adventure ride." (Sahara)
"An action-packed thrill ride!" (The Guardian)
"A white water ride with laughs!" (Without a Paddle)
"An exciting ride that harkens back to the monster magic of yesterday!" (Van Helsing)

"A grand slam hit." (42)
"Double fisted comedy." (Grudge Match)

"It's a home run! The Bad News Bears are the comedy hit of the summer!" (Bad News Bears)
"Meg Ryan and Omar Epps will knock you out" (Against the Ropes)
"Two balls up!" (Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story)
"Denzel sets the screen on fire in this action-packed adventure." (Man On Fire)
"Funny and compelling - the wallflower blooms! (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)
"Big time fun! (Big Momma's House 2)
"Death has never been funnier!" (Death At A Funeral)
"Don't miss the furriest, funniest film of the spring!" (Furry Vengeance)
"Make you feel young again. (17 Again)
"An out-of-this-world hit! (Astro Boy)
"Action, comedy and excitement...all in one package. (Next Day Air)
"Ice cold thriller. (Whiteout)
"It's thrilling, it's chilling, it's spine-tingling! It's fang-tastic! (Van Helsing)
"A big screen adventure that will absorb kids and adults alike! (Spongebob Squarepants: The Movie)


4. RUSTY GATENBY (KSTP-ABC Minneapolis)
(6 Quotes. 4 Rotten Tomatoes. 2 Under 15%.)

Rusty has been a fringe player the last couple of years with a pair of quotes in 2011 & 2012, including one on the 3-D re-release of Finding Nemo. Looks like he may be making a play for the big time though. And why shouldn't the traffic reporter traffic reporter from Minnesota? Six quotes on the year with just two of them hitting over 60% at Rotten Tomatoes; including a recent mention on Hobbit Deux. Six might not be a whole lot, but when you get yourself pimping two of the worst-reviewed films of 2013 (The Host & The Smurfs 2) and specifically pointing to groups that should spend their money on those turds, you get special whore consideration. We present you to now all ten quotes in Rusty's three-year history on Criticwatch. Let's hope there is not a fourth.

"One of the best films of the year" (Starbuck)
"Epic. A visual masterpiece" (The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug)
"There's no place like Oz" (Oz: The Great & Powerful)
"Whitney Houston's finest acting performance." (Sparkle)
"Great fun! Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz are magic together." (Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides)
"A magical cast of comic genuises." (The Incredible Burt Wonderstone)
"You will fall in love again." (Finding Nemo 3-D)
"Fans of Twilight will love this movie!" (The Host)
"If you have kids this is the family movie to see this summer!" (The Smurfs 2)
"The best summer movie in years. The biggest action movie ever. The best action movie ever." (Transformers: Dark of the Moon)


3. AVI OFFER (NYC Movie Guru)
(10 Quotes. 7 Rotten Tomatoes. 5 Under 40%.)

This is hardly the sexiest choice on our list, but we are not going to argue with the numbers on this one. Avi labels himself as the NYC Movie Guru. As an apparent fan of Criticwatch over the years he has also gracially e-mailed us when he has been quoted. Nice of him to make sure we don't miss anything. Different than the multitude of quote whores who usually make this list, Avi does actually have a site where reviews are written. He's also all over Rotten Tomatoes with links to those reviews. The only thing you won't find at either of those locations? The films he has actually been quoted on.

Most of them are not the typical shitty studio films desperate for quotes from their junket fame seekers. Actually they are arthouse fare or films barely seen even on the festival circuit that get a quick coastal theatrical release before being forgotten about on home video. These are the fringe players that even fringe lovers have trouble boosting the credentials of.

"A slice of comedy heaven." (Mental) (NO REVIEW)
"Warm, tender & heartfelt." (Just Like a Woman) (NO REVIEW)
"Dazzling. Eye-popping. Stunning. Breathtaking." (Upside Down) (NO REVIEW)
"One of the best crime thrillers in years! Breathtaking! Exhilarating! A pure rush of adrenaline!" (The Prey) (NO REVIEW)

You won't find written reviews of these at nycmovieguru.com or at rottentomatoes.com. Of the ten quotes Avi received in 2013, only one of them appears to have an actual review.

"Close Encounters of the Third Kind meets The Blair Witch Project. Hair-raising, chilling and riveting. It will scare the living daylights out of you." (Absence)

Avi did get quoted on two studio horror films months before the release of Absence.

"Chilling. Scary. A smart and scary thriller. Unpredictable with an ending that's unforgettable." (Dark Skies) (INTERVIEW ONLY)
"The most terrifying and crowd-pleasing horror film in years." (Evil Dead) (NO REVIEW)

There is no review of Evil Dead and in the interview (not review) that is posted for Dark Skies, none of those adjectives are to be found with the exception of "scary" which is used multiple times by only Keri Russell.

"Extraordinary. Illuminating, sensational." (Linsanity) (LINK ON PAGE BUT NO LISTING)
"Riveting. Suspenseful. The best action movie of the year." (Escape Plan) (NO LISTING)
"A pure adrenaline rush." (Homefront) (NO LISTING)

And that concludes Avi's output for 2013, with two lackluster action films with no listing at his site and a documentary on Jeremy Lin that contains a link but no listing. Vanished like a fart in the wind (thank you, Warden Norton) with no trace just as the quotes magically appear on the ads; provided wholesale to publicists seeking quotes without the insight to back them up. That, my friends, is the very definition of a quote whore.

But that brings us to the whoriest of the whores of 2013. We congratulate and throw vegetables at the eight men and women who began our countdown but there are only a few true awards to give. If you're looking for this year's Bag O'Douche Award, let's just say that the winner of 2013 was a runaway and we don't want to waste much time giving space to Rex Reed. Between saying asty things about Melissa McCarthy's appearance and putting both Her and Inside Llewyn Davis on his list of the year's worst films, this is a guy everyone should turn a deaf ear to. And that includes muting the television when you hear his voice appear in Albert Brooks' Lost in America. You are a detriment to film criticism and human decency, Rex. Go douche your mouth out.

But onwards to the two biggest quote whores of the year. Two names that may bring delight to the marketing departments of every studio but should strike hesitation, fear and outright laughter from any moviegoer familiar with them over the years.[br]

This year's Pete Hammond Sloppy Seconds Winner is...


2. MARIA SALAS (Telemundo/Gems Television)
(10 Quotes. 8 Rotten Tomatoes. 6 Under 40%)

How do you solve a problem like...oh we've used that joke enough. Miss Salas has been in the Criticwatch five of the past seven years, including the last four. She has never ranked higher than fifth on the list, which is shocking when looking back upon her 17 quotes in 2006. This is the second year in a row she has hit double digits in the quotes but boy has she had a year. From being the only critic quoted amidst of flurry of Twitter comments in the ads of A Haunted House in January to reaching the #10 by doing her best Gene Shalit impression on Delivery Man, Maria finally put up the numbers worthy of earning the Pete Hammond Award. That or the competition has fallen off, which is a positive for everyone but Maria who keeps quote whoring away enough to stay put.

Oh, and did you hear the Mick Jagger story? We could not report it as well as Gailen David did, but to give you the abbreviated version, Maria Salas basically stalked Mick Jagger on an airplane. She didn't get the "VIP access" she felt she deserved so she tried pulling a Kristen Wiig and when that failed just threw a tantrum "that almost brought the plane down." (Not my words, maybe Rex Reed's) Entertainment reporters like Salas who feel they are God's gift to the world of interviews and scoops but yet bring a complete sense of worthlessness upon the entire profession need to be taken down as many pegs as possible. With her pimping for two of the ten worst-reviewed films of the year (The Host & A Haunted House), we hope that between the Jagger story and this list, she will run out of pegs entirely.

"****! Phenomenal." (Jobs[/b)
"So incredible...so intense...so good...you won't believe it's true." (Argo
)
"Powerful, compelling, gripping and emotional." (Friday Night Lights)
"Amazing. Incredible. Heartwarming." (We Are Marshall)
"Timeless" (America's Heart and Soul)

The irony of her love for what she believes to be true.

"A must-see thriller." (Side Effects)
"Another must-see from Stephenie Meyer!" (The Host)

"A must see. A laugh out loud hilarious comedy. Crazy." (Hall Pass)
"A must-see." (Alex Cross)
"You can't miss this movie." (Red)
"A Christmas feast you won't want to miss!" (Nothing Like the Holidays)
"A fun ride you won't want to miss. (Sahara)


"The first giant adventure of the year. A giant 3-D thrill ride" (Jack the Giant Slayer)
"The perfect holiday comedy." (The Holiday)
"This film is a sure home run!" (Bad News Bears)
"The Benchwarmers is a homerun!" (The Benchwarmers)
"An amazing thrill ride filled with twists and turns and a great cast!" (16 Blocks)
"A wild ride. Stunning..." (Green Lantern)

Stay tuned for the rest of that Green Lantern quote.

"Hilarious!" (Peeples)
"Hilarious (Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows)
"Hot. Hilarious." (John Tucker Must Die)
"Hilarious & irreverent!" (Scary Movie 4)
"Hilarious, the perfect summer movie!" (Nacho Libre)
"Adam Sandler and Kevin James are a winning team. Perfectly hilarious!" (I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry)
"Aniston and Butler are an explosive, charming and hilarious combination." (The Bounty Hunter)

"Marlon Wayans is fantastically hilarious! Laugh out loud funny." (A Haunted House)
"Knockout funny. It's laugh out loud until you cry funny." (The Campaign)
"A must see. A laugh out loud hilarious comedy. Crazy." (Hall Pass)
"Laugh-out-loud hilarious!" (Something Borrowed)
"Laugh-out-loud fun." (Red)
"Hilarious and irreverent. The laugh-out-loud comedy of the year!" (Due Date)
"Hilarious, laugh-out-loud funny." (Rumor Has It)

"The best action comedy of the year." (Red 2)
"Hilarious and irreverent. The laugh-out-loud comedy of the year!" (Due Date)
"The best romantic comedy of the year!" (Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason)
"Best villain of the year - Matthew Fox." (Alex Cross)

"Outrageous. Wild" (The Hangover Part III)
"Exciting. Wall-to-wall action." (Pacific Rim)

"Action-packed." (The Mechanic)
"Action-packed." (The Losers)
"The most action-packed fun you'll have this summer!" (The Expendables 2)
"A wild ride. Stunning. The most action packed fun you'll have at the movies all summer." (Green Lantern)
"An action-packed blood-and-metal thriller that will keep you on the edge of your seat." (The Hitcher)
"An action-filled thriller! It will keep you on the edge of your seat. Riveting." (Knowing)
"Action-filled and exciting. Harrison Ford captivates you." (Firewall)
"Epic! More action, more romance, more suspense." (The Twilight Saga: Eclipse)
"The next big fantasy action adventure." (Eragon)

"Vince Vaughn really delivers. The feel good movie of the year." (Delivery Man)
"A movie that can transform your life. One of the best films I've seen." (Bella)
"One of the best sci-fi fantasy adventures since E.T." (The Last Mimzy)
"It will touch your heart like no other film this year." (The Lake House)
"Amazing. Incredible. Heartwarming." (We Are Marshall)
"Grab your girlfriends and go see this summer's most heartwarming film!" (My Sister's Keeper)
"Heartwarming. You'll fall in love with... " (Life As We Know It)
"Will warm your heart and make you fall in love again and again." (Playing for Keeps)

Actually you ice our heart, Maria. But not as much as our #1. This person make us want to Mola Ram the nearest living thing that takes a dump on the world of film and film criticism as much as they do. So here it is - the moment of moments.

Your 2012 Peter Travers Whore of the Year is.....


is.....



.....we really hate to do this to you, but we are making this a bit of a cliffhanger. If Hunger Games and Hobbit can do it, why not Criticwatch? Don't worry though. We are not going to make you wait long.

As it turned out this year, we had to give this year's top whore their own feature. It was a necessity. Because it is a call to action to the studios and their marketing divisions. It is time to cut ties with this person as a source for hyperbolic nonsense because they have taken bullshit to a new level.

We won't make you wait any longer. To find out who the biggest whore of 2013 is, click on over HERE.



link directly to this feature at http://www.efilmcritic.com/feature.php?feature=3607
originally posted: 01/01/14 06:36:20
last updated: 01/02/14 11:30:47
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