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Hilarious Boll-shit
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TheAngryJew
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 3:50 am    Post subject: Hilarious Boll-shit Reply with quote

Yeah, we all love to laugh at Uwe Boll's movies. Having just seen Alone in the Dark, I can now make it official: this guy's absolutely, hilariously insane - which could be admirable if his moviemaking skills weren't so astonishingly non-existent. Most of you have only seen House of the Dead, which is surely more than you need to know - but I've also seen the guy's "teen drama" Heart of America...and boy is THAT thing a rancid pile of spew.

Anyway, Erik just re-pointed me towards a truly excellent interview that IGN Filmforce did with Mr. B. last October. And by "excellent" I really mean "drop-dead hilarious." I'm going to copy a few of my favorite snippets, but don't let that stop you from reading the whole thing. It's just chock-full of self-delusion and unwarranted bravado. Kudos to IGN for giving us this insight into the artist known as Uwe.

Quote:
"[BloodRayne] is a a very interesting movie because we have a big knight movie basically, but it's also based on BloodRayne, a vampire story. And [we have] kick-ass action scenes [that] you don't see in a knight movie.


Show me a "knight movie" that doesn't have a "kick-ass" action scene. Or at least tries to have one.

Quote:
We have Udo Kier from Blade and Armeggedon and so this strange guy plays a monk. And we have Geraldine Chaplin, the daughter of Charlie Chaplin, plays the fortune teller.


No comment here. The hilarity is self-evident.

Quote:
BloodRayne is quite bloody and dirty and sexual. It is a different thing. It will be an R-rated movie. We are very violent and open in our erotic scenes… After her, it was by accident that Ben Kingsley basically said yes...


Is Uwe implying that Ben Kingsley signed on because he likes openly violent and differently sexual lesbian vampires? And how does an actor "accidentally" sign on for a role?

Quote:
I really liked the game [BloodRayne] because the characters are so great. It has really kick-ass characters and it has that thing, that she's not the Lara Croft, [where] you never see really the breast.


What?

Quote:
The whole beginning of the movie, BloodRayne is like a freak in the circus, and people want to rape her, and she's like the attraction of the evening, and everybody in the arena of the circus is drunk and they throw her arms into water so the skin burns and then she must drink the blood of a goat [so] that she recovers…


Sell that movie. Sell it! (Wait, did he say "rape her"?)

Quote:
We don't do that stylized stuff. What we also don't do is that she can fly around… Like, for example, Kate Beckinsale was flying around in Underworld in the end, where you think, what happened? Why can she fly from one room in the corner to the other corner? We don't do that. What we do in BloodRayne, everything that she is doing in the movie is possible for a trained stuntman to do…


Uwe just admitted that the film Underworld left him confused. Also, that he wants his murderous vampire lesbian character to have the super-powers of...a Hollywood stuntwoman. Woo!

Quote:
She told me, Kristanna [Loken aka BloodRayne], today, on the last day, she told me it was so disturbing for her, all that sucking blood and standing in the blood bath. She said [that] she felt it really, and also that greed she needed as a character, that she really needs that blood. It affected her, she told me. She said it was a great experience.


Methinks Ms. Loken has to stop sharing her blood-fetish stories with her directors. Also....ew.

One month later, IGN published a Part 2 to this interview, this one absolutely laden with Uwe Piss & Boll Vinegar. Seems that some early word had leaked out regarding Alone in the Dark...and this auteur was having none of it! (Again, please visit IGN to read the full piece. It's just awesome.)

Quote:
We did the test screening and the movie's not finished… It will go out in February, but we did a test screening and then two or three Internet freaks sitting in the test screening [started] writing s**t about the movie. The thing actually is, everybody who saw it really likes the movie, but it is a complicated movie.


1. Everybody who saw it liked it? This is the same film that presently has a 01% rating at Rotten Tomatoes? One Percent! And that's not a high 01%, either. That's one positive review - and 74 negative ones. And I know lots of these critics; several of them really love a good piece of well-constructed schlock.

2. It's a complicated movie? Well, yes, Mr. B., it is complicated. Kind of in the same way that what a toddler does with a box of crayons is complicated. But just because you made the movie incomprehensible...that doesn't mean it automatically becomes "complicated." Sorry.

Quote:
The main point for me is, the same people writing that s**t on the Internet, these are the people that should be happy that someone is doing [movies, I can only assume, like Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead], because the studio [doesn't] give a s**t, they would do only Erin Brockovich movies mixed with Van Helsing.


So...wait. Boll seems to think that...if he weren't making movies....then someone would make a movie called Erin Von Helsing? I'm lost.

Quote:
Right now I'm fascinated with [the videogame] genre and the tie-ins that you can do together with the videogame companies… You grow with the videogame, and the videogame and the movie are supporting each other. I think this is all good and interesting. With the properties I have, like Far Cry or Fear Effect or Hunter: The Reckoning, I think we have totally different genres to do. BloodRayne has absolutely nothing to do with that sci-fi Alone in the Dark or a zombie movie like House of the Dead.


Early in this quote is a clear clue as to why (and how) Uwe Boll has a career. I also notice that there are very few, y'know, GOOD games owned by Boll's production company. I guarantee that guys who own HALO sometimes wake up in a cold sweat screaming "Uwe Got The Rights!!" Also, this quote could work well should we movie fans ever decide to file a class action lawsuit against Bollworks. Just having all his movies mentioned in one breath should be enough to net us all 43 bucks apiece.

But still, as a movie-lover I think it's great that we have colorful schlock-merchants like Uwe Boll to poke fun at. He may be unintentionally hilarious and he may be a truly terrible filmmaker, but the guy's probably enjoying his career, laughs politely on his weekly trip to the bank, and actually, deep down, probably feels pretty damn proud to be my generation's version of Ed Wood.

Maybe someday Tim Burton will do a movie about Uwe Boll. He could get Udo Kier to play "the weird guy." And Tara Reid as the scientist. And Sega could pay for the catering.
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 9:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice! I just came across this gem as well. It seems with every Uwe Boll interview, you're bound to find something that makes your eyes pop out of your head like a Tex Avery cartoon. When I clicked onto this interview, this was the first item I noticed:

Quote:
How much say did you have in casting?

“I got my favourites. I always wanted Casper Van Dien.”



Laughing
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 2:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jesus. you know, the Bloodrayne games themselves were fairly mindless - it was all about bouncing titties and spraying blood, and that's fine. But you know he'll take such a simple premise and still manage to fuck it up. And why does it just kill these video game adapters to actually make the movie LIKE the game?? From the trailer I've seen, the Bloodrayne movie doesn't resemble the game in the slightest. Why is it a period piece? Where is her skimpy and skintight leather costume? Where are the nazis? What is this bullshit about her being raped in a circus? Where does he get that she's a LESBIAN? (well, okay, she does do this little move where she sometimes grabs a boob if she's feeding on a girl from behind - but that's hardly an indication of full-blown lesbianism).

Uwe Boll - You are a Fucktard.
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 4:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think I just burned a couple of braincells reading that crap.
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laura
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 5:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow
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TheAngryJew
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 5:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ha!

As if on cue:

The BloodRayne Trailer!
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 5:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can't tell if you guys are talking about my post, or the interview Question Confused Very Happy
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 5:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

all of the above ?
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y2mckay
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 31, 2005 6:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ha! Very Happy

Hey . . . Mad

Okay, just watched the trailer, which is newer than the one I'd seen before. At least the costume looks more like the one in the game, and she's got the twin wrist blades.

Still looks like crap though - but perhaps slightly better than the crap Boll has given us before.
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 1:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

To switch topics a smidge - Scott, I applaud you for managing to finish Heart of America. I had to turn it off after twenty minutes or so. So unwatchably awful. Did have fun investigating the DVD extras - howled upon learning that Boll was the director, howled even more reading Michael Pere's bio (which makes him seem like the biggest star of the 80s).

I tip my hat, sir. Brave, brave man.

Dave

PS: Whorish promotion: Scott's review. "It's Death Wish Goes to Riverdale. And I don't mean that in a fun way." Hee hee!
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TheAngryJew
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 3:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, D.C.

If Uwe Boll ever decides to direct the Olsen twins, I plan to set my cock on fire and jump into a volcano.
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 1:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

To be fair, I don't think English is his first language.

But the fact that this guy has a career makes me want to go to film school.
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 1:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heheh, hey Scott, check this out: http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2649

"A few years ago I came out of the video game industry to work on the first draft of Uwe Boll's newest film "Alone in the Dark." We had secured the rights for the license from Infogrames and pitched him a few story ideas on it. While he was still in post-production on the critically-acclaimed "House of the Dead" he asked us to write a script around the game "Alone in the Dark." At that point we hadn't seen any footage from any of his films he was worked on, but we heard "House of the Dead" - and I quote - "wasn't going well." I later discovered that was one of this century's biggest understatements.

Since we were going to be screenwriters for him, we decided to see if we could find any footage from his previous films online. We found the trailer for "Sanctimony" and immediately grew very nervous. Did he really just blatantly steal the entire plot and dialogue from the film "Se7en" and repackage it into some inept, half-assed, cliched pile of confusion? Was this guy for real? Who in their right mind would give him money to make anything except possibly trips from a pizza delivery store? And oh, let's not forget that he had big A-list stars in these films. Like Casper Van Diem. And Eric Roberts. And Clint "Car Wreck Face" Howard."
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Oz
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 3:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That article truly puts everything into perspective. From this point forward (as if it wasn't already), the words "directed by Uwe Boll" should be translated as meaning "a steaming pile of shite that not even the most functionally illiterate being would find worth watching".
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ha. Yes, a very cool article. Just adds fuel to the fire.
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 6:29 pm    Post subject: Re: Hilarious Boll-shit Reply with quote

TheAngryJew wrote:



Quote:
We did the test screening and the movie's not finished… It will go out in February, but we did a test screening and then two or three Internet freaks sitting in the test screening [started] writing s**t about the movie. The thing actually is, everybody who saw it really likes the movie, but it is a complicated movie.



I'm sorry, that movie lost me right after the phrase "and Tara Reid as a brilliant anthropologist" was bandied about.

*giggle*



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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 7:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's the only Boll film I've ever seen. And I was not aware of his reputation when I saw it. But after seeing it, I said that it might be the worst film I've ever seen in a movie theatre.
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TheAngryJew
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PostPosted: Sat Jun 04, 2005 11:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Resurrecting this thread because of something I just came across on the Wikipedia Uwe Boll entry:

Quote:
While under normal circumstances a director's movies could gross so little he's eventually shut out from every operating studio, Boll is exempt because he funds them under a loophole in German tax law that is supported by contributors and actually rewards films that perform badly, via a writeoff at the end of the year.


Oh, and Mr. Boll also has a doctorate in literature from the University of Cologne ... which makes him a doctor.
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 11:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So I guess he could be called a great awful director. Maybe that's how Serge Rodnunsky financed his films too...
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 4:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Next up for Boll - Springtime For Hitler!
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 06, 2005 8:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

As long as he never gets his hands on any game-to-movie adaptations I actually give a shit about (e.g.- the Halo movie), he's more than welcome to keep his little tax shelter/hobby going.
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 8:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

OH THIS JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER!

Ray Liotta has joined the cast of "Dungeon Siege," a sword-and-sorcery movie based on the million-selling PC game franchise.

The $60 million fantasy film, which executive producer/director Uwe Boll said will run three hours, is filming in and around Vancouver through Oct. 11. He expects the movie to be ready for distribution by late-summer 2006.

The cast also includes Burt Reynolds, Ron Perlman, John Rhys-Davies, Matthew Lillard, Kristanna Loken, Leelee Sobieski, Will Sanderson, Jason Statham, former NFL star Brian J. White, and German supermodel Eva Padberg.

Liotta will play the film's villain, Gallian, said producer Shawn Williamson.

"The story starts in the same way that the first game begins," Williamson said. "A peaceful town is attacked by the evil krugs, and a reluctant hero emerges to assist in the defeat of the creatures. He is joined by others along the journey."

Liotta's recent feature credits include "Narc" and "Identity."
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 5:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The $60 million fantasy film, which executive producer/director Uwe Boll said will run three hours, is filming in and around Vancouver through Oct. 11.


Well, it seems it's on its way to being official.... with Catwoman, Fantastic Four and now THIS on our resume, Vancouver might just be the backdrop for the worst big budget movies in the world.
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 9:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

http://www.uweboll.com/
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 5:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

PaulBryant wrote:
Quote:
The $60 million fantasy film, which executive producer/director Uwe Boll said will run three hours, is filming in and around Vancouver through Oct. 11.


Well, it seems it's on its way to being official.... with Catwoman, Fantastic Four and now THIS on our resume, Vancouver might just be the backdrop for the worst big budget movies in the world.


Wasn't Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever filmed there too? Ouch.

Anyway, I can tolerate him. He seems like one of those Ed Wood type of deals, where his passion for filmmaking far outweighs any actual talent he might posess. Keep it up, mate!
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