eFilmCritic Forum Index eFilmCritic
Community Forum
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

I need serious advice

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    eFilmCritic Forum Index -> Off-Topic Chat
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
laura
HBS Monkey
HBS Monkey


Joined: 20 May 2004
Posts: 2630
Location: austin, tx

PostPosted: Fri May 25, 2007 10:02 pm    Post subject: I need serious advice Reply with quote

Usually I'll kind of know what the Right Thing To Do is, but tonight... I really am clueless.

I'm moving back home for a few months. I is poor. Razz But that means I'm gonna have to deal with somebody I've not wanted to deal with for a little over a year. My sister.

We used to be good friends -- we even considered sharing an apartment together later on. She's turning 18 this summer.

And she's...well...she's a mess. I would go so far as to say she's a Bad Person. Sneaking out to go party with your friends the day of your dad's funeral? Stealing your newly-widowed mom's money and car (at night), even though you get a social security check every month? The list goes on an on.

It's taken me a LONG time to come to that conclusion, because I don't WANT to think that. Who would? I just lost my dad, I don't want to lose my sister too!

Essentially, she treats my brother, my mom and I like shit. I'm not exaggerating. She constantly steals our belongings. She'll find any and every opportunity to yell at us, and since she only has straws to grasp at, well, she'll resort to getting outrageously mad at me because I asked her where the shoes she stole from me are. My brother and I don't engage with her, it's impossible, so it's only on those occasions where she violates us in some way that we have to respond... and then she'll give me mini-lectures and yell at me. It's bizarre. It's so beyond normal teen angst, that I can't even begin to understand it.

Here's my dilemma. I've tried EVERYTHING. Before, I was uber-empathetic. I forgave her constantly. I always invited her to do things with me, so that she could have a social outlet that wasn't her druggie/sex-obsessed friends. No, I'm not perfect. But I'm saying, I really tried.

It didn't work. I ended up getting completely taken advantage of at every turn. (Even my friends got caught in the crossfire.) It didn't improve our relationship either, so zero progress. I've recently taken the "well, I still love you, but we just can't be close right now, so you don't bother me, I won't bother you" attitude. That's great when you're away at college. But I can't escape her here. I try to avoid her, and shit still happens.

I don't like the kind of person I have to be to protect myself. I don't like that I have to vent to my brother or other people about her. I don't like that I have to treat every situation where she's involved with skepticism.

She has so little respect for me, she hates me so much, that she'll use me in any way she can. If that means stealing my car (which she has done, though now it's dead so that won't be a problem), or whatever... my brother's giving me a dead bolt for my room, so that will be good. But, I mean, I can't lock up all my stuff constantly???

I'm just completely confused. I've done nothing to her and yet she HATES me. I don't use that term lightly. It's not like she's just rude sometimes, like many teens are... it's so much more than that. I just posted an IM she sent to me (on myspace/facebook), so people could get an idea of what I'm going through!!!! She really does hate me.

Can you tell after all this rambling how frustrated I am??? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I have to live here. Has anyone had problems with brothers/sisters? How do you disconnect??? How do you watch out for yourself in your own home? Please, if anyone has had a similar experience, share.

Save me. :*(
_________________
http://www.myspace.com/laurjane
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
UDM
HBS Monkey
HBS Monkey


Joined: 12 Jul 2002
Posts: 592
Location: Los Angeles, CA

PostPosted: Sat May 26, 2007 12:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You probably need to isolate yourself from your sister for a while.

There are many, many people who basically go temporarily batshit insane--whether literally insane, or just kind of screwy--in their late teens. A mental breakdown, severe depression, anti-social behavior--whatever. Yes, I do speak from experience on this matter. There's a good chance that's what's going on here, so it's not something you need to blame yourself over.

I recently read an article about the incidence of mental illness in teenagers just starting college, and there was speculation about why this happens. My own theory is just that people tend to be unusually sensitive to that sort of thing at that stage of life. Maybe it's just a form a growing pains. It's more serious than just "teen angst," but at least it tends not to last forever.

When I was a teenager I had a younger cousin I'd babysit on occasion. This kid was NUTS. He couldn't go five minutes without smashing something. He poked our dog's eye out with a pencil. But nowadays, he's just a normal, everyday guy.

But for now you need to get away from your sister, because there's basically no way to negotiate with people who could be going nuts.

UDM
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
MP Bartley
HBS Monkey
HBS Monkey


Joined: 16 Jul 2002
Posts: 1818
Location: Sunderland, England

PostPosted: Sat May 26, 2007 4:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Laura,

how much of this do you think may have to do with your father's illness and eventual passing? If it is linked to that, combined with the normal exploding hormones that all teenagers go through, then I would strongly suggest she has some therapy or grief counselling. Of course, getting her to accept and do that is another question entirely.

I agree with the above post - you need to isolate yourself, be it at a friend's house, another relatives or whatever. I would also get together with your brother, maybe your mother if she would like to be involved, and write her a long letter detailing just why her behaviour is unacceptable. Don't be judgemental, angry or bitter - you can be that to everyone else about her. Just let her know that she's got a family who love her more than anyone, but what her behaviour is currently doing is destroying that love in the family.

Keep a hard copy of the letter - she might try to destroy it without reading it. If she does, email it to her. If she deletes that, email it again. And keep doing that until you know for sure that she's read it. And then it's up to her as to how she reacts.

I know it's tough (I don't care for my brother at all - not to the extent you're going through however), but you gotta take care of yourself, and those who do show their love and support for you, first and foremost.

Hopefully, it'll sort itself out - even if it takes a while.
_________________
"We hate the French! We fight wars against the French! Did all those men die in vain on the fields of Agincourt? Was the man who burned Joan of Arc just wasting good matches?"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
laura
HBS Monkey
HBS Monkey


Joined: 20 May 2004
Posts: 2630
Location: austin, tx

PostPosted: Sat May 26, 2007 11:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, see, this all began before my dad even got sick. So I have trouble justifying a link there. Though I'm sure it didn't help the situation.

She already sees a therapist and she already knows precisely what our issues are with her. So that's where the problem is -- she simply has no concept of personal responsibility and absolutely no desire to respect her family. The letter idea is interesting... I'll probably just end up seeing her therapist and get advice that way. Grrr.

Thanks. : /
_________________
http://www.myspace.com/laurjane
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
David Cornelius
HBS Monkey
HBS Monkey


Joined: 30 Nov 2004
Posts: 3401
Location: Cincinnati, Ohio

PostPosted: Sat May 26, 2007 4:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My wife's pal has a brother who behaves the same way - lots of theft, etc. If you want, I could introduce you (to the pal, not the brother, of course) to see how she deals with things. Either way, good luck and keep us posted.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
f*r*o*s*t*y
HBS Monkey
HBS Monkey


Joined: 30 Jul 2002
Posts: 466
Location: Northside!

PostPosted: Sun May 27, 2007 5:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Have your mom kick her out on her ear and see how quickly she shapes up. Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Kand El
HBS Monkey
HBS Monkey


Joined: 23 Sep 2004
Posts: 1684
Location: New York

PostPosted: Sun May 27, 2007 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laura, firstly, belated congrats on the graduation, secondly, as a stranger with only the surface details, I'd say that since she imagines you to be this bad guy in her life and nothing you've done to the contrary has changed this opinion, you might as well play the part and let her know what it feels like to really have an enemy, not just one she's made up in her head. If she steals the car, call the police and have them pick her up. Same thing with money, or any other thing she does that her concept of "family" excuses.

I know you don't want to be the heavy here, but I'd let her know that at this point, "family" is out of it, and if she wants to be a criminal she can face the consequences of being one- wash your hands of her. Let her know that what she's created in her head is now a reality due to her despicable behavior and see how she handles having someone actually confronting her- I guarentee she won't care for it one bit, to the point where she may have to alter her behavior.

And if she doesn't, well, hey, its not like it was getting any better- this way at least you have the law on your side and she will be forced to think twice before absconding with your or your family's property.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
CharlesTatum



Joined: 02 Oct 2006
Posts: 1107
Location: Bismarck, North Dakota

PostPosted: Tue May 29, 2007 1:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yep, lay down the pimp hand. If she's going to do all of this, and knowing she can get away with it, a little time cooling off in the pokey might knock some reality back into her. I'm the black sheep in my family, but I never stole anything (that my family knows of!)
_________________
Charles Tatum's Review Archive
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
laura
HBS Monkey
HBS Monkey


Joined: 20 May 2004
Posts: 2630
Location: austin, tx

PostPosted: Tue May 29, 2007 3:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

She always just barely gets away with shit. My mom almost called the cops on her for taking her car out one night, but she was back too quick -- you'd have to catch her driving around out and about in order for her to be found accountable for that, no? It's not as easy as it seems to do this kind of thing. And an intervention wouldn't phase her the least bit. She always keeps her lying, cheating, stealing at just enough of a minimum to where you can't really take any legal action. And half the time I don't even have proof she's taken something. It just goes missing for months and mysteriously turns up in her room, "oops, I didn't know I had that!" Etc. Plus I can't control what my mom does -- I can't parent her.

The good news is she suddenly went through a huge attitude change almost immediately after I posted this. My guess? School's out. SHE HATES SCHOOL and I think now that she's not in it, she's in a better mood. I don't expect it to last long though. Crossing my fingers...
_________________
http://www.myspace.com/laurjane
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
f*r*o*s*t*y
HBS Monkey
HBS Monkey


Joined: 30 Jul 2002
Posts: 466
Location: Northside!

PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2007 12:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

laura wrote:
She always just barely gets away with shit. My mom almost called the cops on her for taking her car out one night, but she was back too quick -- you'd have to catch her driving around out and about in order for her to be found accountable for that, no?


Nah, I think that's if someone random steals the car. If your mom was serious about calling the police, I don't think it would matter when your sister came home or not. There's a lot of different rules when it comes to someone you live with vs. a stranger, and an even different set of rules when it's your child doing these things.

Obviously, you can't really call the cops on her for stealing your sweater, or something (it's residing in the same house), but stealing a car is a pretty big deal to them. Leave your keys out some night, pretend you're sleeping and as soon as she leaves, call the 5-0. Very Happy

But, really, it is up to your mom to take care of it. I think, at this point, your only good offense is a good defense. As sad as it is, if you're going to be living in the same house with her, you'll probably just have to ignore her ass (as hard as that is) and lock up all your shit.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
lindy1



Joined: 02 Jun 2007
Posts: 1
Location: USA

PostPosted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 11:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am so sorry about your dad, Laura.

I would take myself to AL ANON, if I were in your shoes. This just sounds too much like an addiction on her part & she is abusing you all in the process. There is little you can do for her, until she realizes that she needs help or needs to change. In the meantime, you need support from people who have already been there. And, I do agree with frosty...this is something that your mom needs to tackle (although, if she asks for your help, I would help, if it were happening in my family). And, yeah, lock up all your stuff.

And, do call the police. I have a cousin who did all levels of thievery to pay for his drug addiction. His dad finally had no choice but to call the police on him, as it just got so out of hand. It helped my cousin.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
laura
HBS Monkey
HBS Monkey


Joined: 20 May 2004
Posts: 2630
Location: austin, tx

PostPosted: Sun Jun 03, 2007 12:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You're so right about alanon, Lindy. Haha. I actually went there when I was little, after my mom stopped drinking. It was useless then but now I think, if she starts acting up again, I'd totally go back. Luckily, she's been her Old Self -- so I'll enjoy it while it lasts. But I have no expectations!
_________________
http://www.myspace.com/laurjane
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address
Display posts from previous:   
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Post new topic   Reply to topic    eFilmCritic Forum Index -> Off-Topic Chat All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group