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Overall Rating
1.83

Awesome: 8.33%
Worth A Look: 8.33%
Average: 6.25%
Pretty Bad: 12.5%
Total Crap64.58%

4 reviews, 24 user ratings


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Palmetto
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by Slyder

"Why The Hell Do Hot Actresses Have To Pretend They’re Hot?"
1 stars

Case in point, Palmetto, a dire, unoriginal, shitty excuse of a film, a supposed film-noir, and since being quite an expert on the genre, this one deserves to be beaten to the ground with sticks and stones since it’s so fucked up that you’ll end up either insulted of your intelligence or with one big laugh.

The film is about this fuck called Harry Barber, who has been released from prison for really stupid reasons. He wants to get those years back, and no better than accepting the offer of 50 thousand dollars from femme fatale (a very fucked femme fatale) Rhea Malroux (Elizabeth Shue, whom I drool for, except in this film) to fake the kidnapping of her own daughter Odette (a shitty looking Chloe Sevingy), so that his husband Felix (Rolf Hoppe) pays him 50 thousand. Harry gets 10% percent of the payoff, and everyone lives happily ever after. Oh, and Donnely (Michael Rappaport) weaves his way by. Harry is dumb enough to think that no one will get hurt in this scam, but soon he realizes it’s a trap, and in the end, he ends up fucked in the ass once more, by Rhea, or should I say Mrs. Donnely and his oh-so-evil husband, so he has to prove his innocence to the police before he’s sent to jail again.

$50,000. Who couldn’t resist an offer like that; also have a shot at Elizabeth Shue’s ass? Well, I wouldn’t’ mind her, but seriously people, this is as retarded as it can get. A guy fresh out of jail thinks s that he can get back on track by doing a work of extortion. Gimme a fucking break. And furthermore, Harrelson has a wife, Nina (Gina Gershon), a wasteful character that pretty much is a fill-in in the movie. She makes sculptures and shit and is making good money, and despite that, Harry accepts the job. Yep. Retarded. The film lacks the intelligence and audacity that film-noir requires so it can work. It’s all straightforward and full of clichés and plotholes big enough to throw my shoes in there. It’s all style and no substance, its pretty imaging with utter ugliness inside. The plot is completely unoriginal, but still, it marks a sense of interest, since you want to see how far or how stupid is it going to get until it starts reacting and becoming interesting.

It never does, instead, the predictable occurs, imagine Chloe Sevingy being Elizabeth Shue’s daughter. Yep, laughter ensues. Then more shit starts to happen and you cannot help but laugh, you’ll stare at the screen and wonder, why the fuck is this shit necessary, and as every twist falls, the lamer it gets, and most of all, why are the people in this film behaving like such assholes? Film-noir is supposed to be intelligent, and have scripts with clever plot twists and interesting characters, and this film is the complete opposite of that. By the end, you won’t even care if Barber tries to save his ass, or if the bad guys get caught.

But the big fucker is how the main characters and the actors themselves lack intelligence. Harry is a complete idiot, and every time he does things, he always leaves clues behind for the police, Supposedly, the people that are into this shit ought to be utmost careful, and sure, there’s always small mistakes, but Harry doesn’t even do small mistakes, he does MIGHTY STUPID ONES. And then when the predictable occurs you just want to bang yourself in the head for how stupid this film is. The ending was one of the worst endings ever made. I just wanted to laugh, and I just wanted to punch the TV screen, and I just wanted somebody to PLEAAAASE take me and drop me into that pool of sulfuric acid, since its so pathetic, and I have to wonder if TV execs REALLY watched this fucking film before approving a release. Elizabeth Shue, HOW… DO… YOU… SUCK!!!! Why is it that actresses, beautiful actresses like Liz have to try to act sexy when they should only act natural and be themselves? Her “sexy-acting” is just awful, I was cringing every time she came with that stupid walk of hers (is she imitating Marilyn Monroe or something?) that despite her beauty, I just wanted her to go away as fast as possible. Femme fatales are supposed to be intriguing characters, who use their beauty AND their brains to lure and manipulate their victims. Shue’s Rhea is not manipulative, much less sexy, and is a fucking retarded character, and Barber’s falling into her spell just shows that he’s more stupid than Rhea. The other worst part was Michael Rappaport, trying to do a bad guy. Gosh I laughed so hard at this one, the guy can’t act for shit, and furthermore, he gives out a wooden performance and showing off how tough of a motherfucker he is. I just wanted to punch the fucker; he was getting into my nerves. Besides, you can easily tell he was the villain of the film. In fact, you had to be a total idiot if you didn’t realize who the baddies are. Woody Harrelson is embarrassing to watch, since he’s playing a complete idiot. I feel sorry for him and his career, which has gone down ever since this movie. Director Volker Schlondorff, man, I feel sorry for you too, after such a great film like The Tin Drum, you had to come with this shitbath. God this film was a complete waste of everything here. E. Max Frye, welcome to Screenwriter Hell.

In the end, this film is complete failed noir. No, IT’S A PIECE OF SHIT, A WASTE OF MY TIME!!! I hope to God I never see a film like this again. I’m afraid I’ll loose some of my intelligence. You want to see some good Florida Noir, go see Key Largo or Body Heat, and forget that this film exists for your own good. The worst Film-noir I’ve ever seen in my life. (0.5-5)

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=1082&reviewer=235
originally posted: 08/30/02 12:40:20
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User Comments

6/08/05 Indrid Cold Not nearly the disaster everyone says it is. Solid, fairly entertaining noir. 3 stars
6/04/05 Hack-SAW A HIT 'n' MISS FILM, BUT... Worth it for Gina Gershon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 stars
3/11/05 The Sorrow Not bad but... Gina Gershon was the only saving grace! 4 stars
10/30/04 Archanist_101 The only thing keeping me from breaking the T.V. was GINA GERSHON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4 stars
5/22/04 kangabam good 5 stars
11/21/03 homer simpson I got more brains in my ass, then the directors got in his fucking head 1 stars
11/21/03 Tom someone hack this site apart 5 stars
6/15/03 Jack Sommersby No great shakes, but it's atmospheric and reasonably entertaining. 3 stars
9/05/02 Chancey Thunderpants Ewwwww 2 stars
3/06/02 Alan Smithee Even with me being a huge Gina Gershon addict, this movie still sucked something fierce. 1 stars
1/03/02 LIAM JACKSON THIS FILM IS BRILLIANT! ANYONE WHO SAYS IT IS CRAP IS A COCKSUCKING RETARD! THIS ROCKS! 5 stars
5/15/01 Monday Morning Best film since "Wizard of Oz". 2 stars
3/30/01 munazzam kkhh 5 stars
11/01/99 Weird Andy Hell, I liked it. Sleazy fun. 4 stars
4/21/99 lucas jackson This movie was horrible,Micheal Rappaport is the worst fucking bad guy in history, 2 stars
4/15/99 Jon Jackson Michael Rappaport as a heavy, fuck that, he was born to play the dorky friend. 2 stars
3/25/99 Viral Messiah One word: Shazbot! 1 stars
3/12/99 Ah Dooey There goes Harrelson's carrer down the shitter. Whoopee. Fun, fun. Yeah, I'll bet. 1 stars
12/08/98 Binky Heeba jeeba hunka crud. Harrelson thinks he's awesome. He's wrong. 1 stars
11/24/98 Fred This writer is a moron. One more like this and Sevigny's career is going down that drain. 1 stars
11/13/98 Bad Kosh Chloe Sevigny looks like a total whore in this crock of crap. 1 stars
11/06/98 Lord Of The Dunce See this movie here called Palmetto? Stinks. 2 stars
10/03/98 Johny Too clever for it's own good, goofy 2 stars
10/02/98 {{{OZ}}} Noir gone wrong. Why Chloe Sevigny keep getting great roles baffles me. Shue is a sexpot. 3 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  20-Feb-1998 (R)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  03-Sep-1998 (MA)




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