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Overall Rating

Awesome: 9.43%
Worth A Look: 0%
Average: 5.66%
Pretty Bad: 0%
Total Crap84.91%

2 reviews, 41 user ratings

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Dracula 3000
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by Scott Weinberg

"Imagine an Ed Wood film without the wit and craftsmanship."
1 stars just won't believe it. I mean it. If I were somehow struck insane and therefore able to pen the screenplay for "Dracula 3000," affix some postage to it, and get it to a low-rent production house, their inevitable (and entirely fair) response would be: "Hey thanks. We have a parrot over here that's been pooping in an ashtray. Much appreciated!" It's not a crime that this movie is so bad. Clearly everybody involved knew full well that they were making a bad movie. What's annoying is how inept the badness actually is.

If you think I'm going to just take the easy way out and mock the "Dracula in Space!" concept, think again. Dracula 3000 is far from the first horror sequel that got shot into the solar system. What's curious about Dracula 3000 is that someone actually sat down at one point and tried to emulate films like Hellraiser in Space and Leprechaun in Space. Now that's creepy.

Right from the DVD cover you know what you're gonna get. American cheese has a picture of a cow on the front. DVD cheese has a picture of Casper van Dien on the front. Scan your eyeballs to the left and you'll see names like Erika Eleniak, Tiny Lister, Udo Kier and Coolio. Not exactly Glengarry Glen Ross here, folks.

So the crew is a salvage yadda yadda who come across a floating ship in outer space blah blah and then their own ship flies away and there's Dracula on board. Like the Dracula. With the long black cape and pointy collar and everything. I've seen more realistic vampires in the front window of my local Halloween Adventure store. It'd be funny if it weren't so dumb. And that's right about when you remember that you dropped four bucks to rent the thing.

Since our crew consists of maybe five people, one of which is in a wheelchair (natch), you shouldn't go in expecting any sort of high-end body count. Some of the idiots get picked off early. Coolio, however, does not. Coolio becomes a vampire. And let me tell you folks something...

Ho-ly crap. I now have the #1 nomination for the universe's all-time single most absolutely seriously ImNotKiddinest ANNOYING bastard EVER included within the cast of an actual motion picture production (and I mean it).

COOLIO in Dracula 3000 is everything I just said times a million. On Mars. Attached to a trillion infinite infinities. Easily the most annoying thing ever conceived, created, portrayed, bought, processed, or sold. I went through four broken toes and eleven new televisions before I could watch his whole performance. He was so amazingly awful that I now think Martin Lawrence is Laurence Olivier.

Watching Mr. Io skitter and shuffle through his eternally painful performance, I was struck by an odd idea: Coolio thinks he's funny! He's trying some Eddie Murphy "character" thing here! And dear sweet jeebus is it painful to behold. But don't think that Coolio's festering presence can mask the rest of the crew. Casper does his thing where he clenches his jaw and focuses his eyeballs. Good to see you again, CVD. Starship Troopers feels about a billion years away. Erika Eleniak helps us out by showing us what's lower on the cinematic evolutionary scale after "Playboy Playmate" and "Seagal Co-Star." And don't even get me started on a movie that allows Tiny Lister to deliver 75% of all spoken dialogue. (Coolio's ravings don't actually count as "dialogue." Trust me.)

Did I mention that proper nouns like Carpathia, Van Helsing and Transylvania are often referred to in an Outer-Spacey way? As in "This derelict spaceship full of coffins left Space Station Transylvania over fifty years ago! " And,weirdly enough, the actors deliver this stuff with poker-straight faces. Maybe they're better actors than I thought. (Nope.)

Oh, and Udo Kier pops up in a series of non-sensical and entirely un-plot-related public service warnings which he delivers directly to the audience. Basically he just looks at the camera and lisps 'the life suppawt is dwindwing' before we jump back into actual movie. Yes, the movie about Dracula killing five idiots in outer space.

The sets look like they're made of painted television boxes, the acting is consistently atrocious, the special effects are woefully amateurish (that's me being nice), the entire concept is riddled with retardation from the very start. But it's gotta be hard to make a Space-Dracula movie that's just plain old boring. Now that takes some real talent.

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originally posted: 12/09/04 22:17:07
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User Comments

4/20/14 Thor After seeing this godawful tripe I'm certainly dumber and I lost some years off my life. 1 stars
2/28/12 megan kelsey white u forgot to mention how the ship just explodes at the end for no reason. that was awesome. 5 stars
3/30/09 Holli I have one thing to say about this movie: *groan* 1 stars
11/18/08 Shaun Wallner Fell asleep to this one. 1 stars
5/26/08 Jason The movie could only be worse if they made it longer, this was the crappiest film ever made 1 stars
7/29/07 Billio What's with Dracula in space? With "Space Crack"?!? What a hideous movie! 1 stars
6/16/07 Charles Tatum Will leave you speechless...truly one of the worst ever 1 stars
4/20/07 Thrash Sucked so bad, seriously... 1 stars
1/10/07 johnnyfog .............................why did I watch that? 1 stars
11/21/06 Mon I feel so sexually satisfied after viewing this film, its amazing! 5 stars
11/11/06 Henry parts are shit others good 3 stars
10/21/06 Evan This movie was awful... awful hilarious that is 5 stars
10/09/06 what the fuck This is the worst 'film' i have ever, ever seen. But quite good if your on drugs, obviously 1 stars
10/05/06 John Jed's comment made me LOL!! Now I gotta watch it 1 stars
9/26/06 Jim What a hilarious movie. It was so bad, it was amazing 5 stars
6/05/06 BA If Dracula bit like this movie bites, it might just suck. 1 stars
5/03/06 Josh Standlee Coolio sucks, and the writers were stoned, but putting Dracula in space is just plain cool! 3 stars
4/18/06 Dave To quote Kurtz from Heart Of Darkness, "The Horror! The Horror!" 1 stars
11/24/05 Giru So bad you cannot even watch it for laughs. WORST MOVIE EVER 1 stars
10/11/05 payche stupid movie, for idiots, they should play it in mental institutions 1 stars
9/18/05 Blutarsky Hilariously, inept, wonderously bad. 1 stars
8/14/05 Aaron Johnson Total, undisputed crap. Worst ending (what ending?) ever! 1 stars
8/09/05 Greg No plot, no acting, no nudity, and apparently not enough film to even finish the movie. 1 stars
8/07/05 Alan How did they make this crap? 1 stars
8/05/05 Lizzy P I would be embarased to be associated with this movie. You must see the end to believe it. 1 stars
7/24/05 Neb Bad acting, plot doesn't make sense, horror not there. The ending just finishes it!! 1 stars
6/18/05 Gred D One of the worst movies I have had the displeasure to watch. 1 stars
6/11/05 Jebiveter top 10 on the worst movie ever chart 1 stars
3/01/05 Morbid Florist Hilarious 5 stars
3/01/05 Jed Amirault this movie makes me want to rip my eyes out and feed them to my cat 1 stars
2/28/05 Gray didn't it have boobs? 3 stars
2/25/05 rewgjqlbr very shitty indeed 1 stars
2/15/05 Lee R. Miller I didn't like it as much as Scott & David did. 1 stars
2/10/05 Ray WOW, it is terrible 1 stars
2/06/05 Matt Thiel Where's the ending? Did they run out of money and throw an ending at the last minute???? 1 stars
1/28/05 Ojisan Unexciting, unfunny, unrealistically bad. Steer clear! 1 stars
1/17/05 Will This movie is by far the the worst movie I've ever seen! 1 stars
1/16/05 Dark Lord It's bad. Very bad. There was one really funny "titty-fuck" line, but that's it. 1 stars
1/08/05 Chris Holy cow this is bad. And to top it off they don't even get Erika to take her kit off. 1 stars
12/30/04 Naka Crap classic! 1 stars
12/08/04 Kristina Williams bad 1 stars
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  07-Dec-2004 (R)
  DVD: 07-Dec-2004



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