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Overall Rating

Awesome: 1.15%
Worth A Look: 1.15%
Average: 11.49%
Pretty Bad: 4.6%
Total Crap81.61%

5 reviews, 57 user ratings

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Alone in the Dark (2005)
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by EricDSnider

"Tara Reid earns another 'couldn't be less believable as...' credit."
1 stars

You know "Alone in the Dark" is going to be bad just by looking at the cast list. Tara Reid as a museum curator/archeologist? Who do they think they're kidding? The only role she's equipped to play is that of a drunken whore, which she does regularly in the tabloids and on "Inside Edition." Anything smarter or classier than that is a stretch for her.

The film, based on a video game (another bad sign) and directed by "House of the Dead" hack Uwe Boll (yet another bad sign), begins with confusing exposition spelled out in text that scrolls up the screen and that is also read by a narrator (in case we can't read, I guess). The gist of it is that there was a highly advanced ancient people called the Abkani who opened the gate between the World of the Light and the World of the Dark, and that something evil slipped through before they could close it again. This begs the question of why they were opening the gate in the first place; couldn't they have foreseen something evil slipping through as a potential consequence? You don't even have to be a SMART ancient race to see that one coming.

Anyway, thousands of years after that, and 22 years before now, a mad scientist named Professor Hudgens (Mathew Walker) went to an orphanage and acquired 20 boys to use in his experiments. We see this in a flashback, and it is not clear whether he purchased the lads or simply took them. Either way, the nun in charge appears only mildly conflicted. I suspect she did not last long in the nun business after that.

One of the boys escaped and lost his memory and grew up to be Christian Slater, which you have to admit isn't such a bad deal. His name is Edward Carnby, and he used to work for a top-secret government bureau of paranormal-investigators called 713 (named, apparently, after Houston's area code). He still has a rivalry with a guy there named Commander Richards (Stephen Dorff) for reasons I don't understand, and Edward himself freelances now, traveling the world in search of unusual phenomena and monsters and such.

But occasionally he comes back home to the museum to have sex with Tara Reid (when there's not too much of a waiting list, I mean), whose character, Aline Cedrac, works there with the aforementioned insane Professor Hudgens. Hudgens has recently discovered an artifact that unleashed some sort of non-corporeal beasts on the world, things that look like the title character in "Alien." Edward and Aline have to battle them in video-game fashion, complete with loud heavy metal songs blaring on the soundtrack.

But don't forget, there's also those experiments Hudgens did 22 years ago. His subjects, now well-adjusted grownups, become automatons when the monster-creating artifact is discovered, and subsequently they become the kind of automatons that try to kill people.

But also don't forget the mystery of how Edward escaped and what he saw and what he doesn't remember anymore! That's an important part to not forget while you're busy trying to pay attention to everything else.

For as busy as this movie is, you'd think it would have more going on. Instead, it's just a big, chewy wad of badness where people say things like "I've never seen anything like it!" and "Where the hell's our backup?" The acting, I need hardly tell you, is laughable, and the plot is confusing and convoluted, cramming far too many elements into far too small a space. Director Uwe Boll continues to believe that copying good movies is the same thing as BEING a good movie, and he fills "Alone in the Dark" with sloppy rip-offs from dozens of creature/horror/sci-fi/fantasy movies. The one thing he forgets is how to tell a coherent story, or even how to make an incoherent one entertaining.

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originally posted: 02/07/05 13:40:09
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User Comments

4/24/17 David H. Tara Reid as a scientist; that's should have been the first clue of a truly bad movie. 1 stars
8/07/15 ThommyMac I'm a bad movie afficiando since the early 70s. Kids, this is 'so bad its bad' 2 stars
9/25/13 David Hollingsworth giving this 1 star is too good for it. 1 stars
7/24/12 Quigley Ungodly stupid. 1 stars
4/01/12 CR a decent movie with good effects, ok story, and some scares. 3 stars
4/02/11 JW The perfect so-bad-it's-good film. I can't trash a movie that's given me so much laughter. 3 stars
6/30/10 Mr X I watched this entire shitty movie for nothing! FOR FUCKING NOTHING! GODDAMN IT! 1 stars
1/14/09 blah blah how the fuck does boll keep working he's complete dog shit 1 stars
8/05/08 Bnorm I would rather watch a 4 day marathon of bollywood music videos. Fucking atrocious 1 stars
11/20/07 B Short without a doubt, the worst movie...ever 1 stars
10/03/07 wall avoid 1 stars
6/13/07 Lewis Hamilton Honestly, the greatest comedy movie ever made! 5 stars
5/01/07 Uwe Boll I'll beat up anyone who thinks this isn't shit. 1 stars
4/18/07 Tracey Chambers bad movie. great game. 1 stars
3/26/07 Nick One of the worst 'horror' movies Ive ever saw, and thats saying a lot 1 stars
8/20/06 Ryan_A Worse than you've heard. Reid's uniquely horrible. 1 stars
7/21/06 Sugarfoot A song called 7 Seconds is played during Reid/Slater's sex scene. That is hilarious. 1 stars
7/15/06 Anthony G I cannot put into words how bad this film is,instead im going to say something random. "pp" 1 stars
7/10/06 Steve Michaud And Uwe Boll continues to pollute the cinematic landscape like so much toxic waste... 1 stars
6/05/06 Jon Why do they even let Boll make movies? 1 stars
3/14/06 tatum I was lost from the opening scene...Reid is this country's worst actress 1 stars
3/01/06 davey madden awful 1 stars
1/04/06 WISEMAN This movie must have been so bad, I didnt even know a movie was made about this... 1 stars
11/27/05 Indrid Cold Laughable mishmash of "Aliens" and other good films. I'll be nice and give it a 2. 2 stars
11/10/05 jingy I expected HOUSE OF THE DEAD bad and only got LEONARD PART 6 bad. Either way, still shit. 1 stars
10/27/05 mad_zombie_killer Tara Reid's best work 1 stars
8/23/05 Nick Miscast ,fake hollywood Scientist girlfriend. Bad acting, Bad story,Bad everything! 1 stars
8/18/05 ES they're right its terrible 1 stars
8/05/05 Sucks the suckiest of suckitude Man, why do Slater and Dorff have to be whoring in this kind of shit? 1 stars
7/29/05 E The most torturous 90 minutes I've ever experienced 1 stars
7/19/05 Brandy Harrington This is horrible, even for Christian Slater... 1 stars
7/17/05 Eduardo I'm having the laugh of my life! This review and comments its the best of this movie 1 stars
7/13/05 C.E. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz............ 1 stars
7/09/05 Moctezuma Wow! What a borefest! 1 stars
6/16/05 Chesterfield This movie sucks geriatric ass!!!!, and it's bad too.....=S 1 stars
6/09/05 Vince SERIOUSLY, I can't think of any movie worse than this one. 1 stars
6/07/05 ELI Hehehehehehe. This was DUMB to the 9,000,000,000th something. 1 stars
5/26/05 BB Alone in the Dark, Great! Then I watched it. My dog humping a teletubbie is scarier. 1 stars
3/12/05 Mc Mr. Dr. Phd. I didn't even see it but I know I can't be wrong giving it the lowest possible rating :) 1 stars
3/05/05 Leesha Worst film I've ever seen in a theater. 1 stars
2/20/05 Naka It's UWE BOLL, folks. What the hell did you EXPECT?!? 1 stars
2/10/05 Uncle Salty Tara Reid? Christian Slater? COULD ANYONE HAVE ANTICIPATED THE AMAZING AMOUNT OF SUCK??? 1 stars
2/09/05 Al Guy Sad. Actually worse than House of the Dead. 1 stars
2/08/05 tsuikin Very good 4 stars
2/06/05 Which no standard cunt keeps voting this pile if shite as average? 1 stars
2/04/05 Roy L. Cain The most dumbest movie this year so far ! 1 stars
2/03/05 Dewey This isn't "laugh at it" bad, like Gigli, this is "sleep through it" bad. AVOID IT. 1 stars
2/03/05 Die, Rodney Stephens, you scumbag. This will be the worst film of the century, unless Boll makes another one. 1 stars
2/03/05 Paul 1 star is too generous; truly heinous in every way 1 stars
2/02/05 mott the drupal where are the bugs? the game had many glitches! 2 stars
2/02/05 Rodney Stephens GOOD MOVIE 3 stars
2/02/05 whatevr yet another awful video game movie 1 stars
2/01/05 John tara reid is hot, i just wore ear plugs throughout the movie 3 stars
1/30/05 bongeezer Not one believable chaarctor in this steaming pile. 1 stars
1/30/05 Marilyn a waste of time 2 stars
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  28-Jan-2005 (R)
  DVD: 10-May-2005



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