Overall Rating
  Awesome: 12.08%
Worth A Look: 10.07%
Average: 30.2%
Pretty Bad: 16.78%
Total Crap: 30.87%
12 reviews, 77 user ratings
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| Amityville Horror, The (2005) |
by Scott Weinberg
"Forget a HOUSE; there's not even enough here to fill a ROOM."
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Y'know, it probably wouldn't take a whole heck of a lot to create a remake that's BETTER than 1979's "The Amityville Horror." Sure it's got some cheesy old late-70s charm (and the seriously adorable Margot Kidder), but its not like the original "Amityville" has earned the status of an "Exorcist" or a "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." Heck, it's not even on par with "Poltergeist." So when I learned that Michael Bay would be bankrolling an all-new "Amityville," I (fueled by my enthusiasm for Bay's "Chainsaw" remake) believed that the filmmakers could actually improve upon this particular patch of real estate. I was mistaken.First the good news: Ryan Reynolds has proven me dead wrong by growing into quite a strong actor. If you'd have told me a few years ago that I'd soon be singing the praises of Mr. Van Wilder, I'd have thought you insane. But after seeing Reynolds add a whole lot of color, humor and intensity to Blade: Trinity and enjoying his (quick) descent into Amityville madness, I now consider myself a big fan. Good job, Reynolds.
I mention all that because Reynolds is clearly and overtly the best thing in The Amityville Horror - partially because he gives a better performance that the film really deserves - but mainly because there's just nothing else on the menu. Pull aside Reynolds, Melissa George (as his wife), and the three kids, and this movie has maybe three characters. And those three characters have maybe 15 lines to split between them. First-time (and it shows) director Andrew Douglas can not even remotely be bothered with something resembling a subplot or a meaty dose of character development; his remake staunchly avoids all the things that make a horror movie scary in favor of all the things that make a horror movie obvious and expedient. We can't spend an important 15 minutes with the main characters because we have to hurry our way towards the creepy lightning storms, the shocking strains of loud music, and (of course) the frequently appearing little dead girls with stringy hair.
I know it's an obvious lesson, but here it is (again): set the stage with something sincere, a few characters based (just a little) in reality, let them develop just a bit so we get to "know" them ... and then once you start throwing monsters at 'em, we'll actually give a damn. Call it sloppiness or downright laziness, but there's no good reason that Reynolds' George Lutz should go from smoothly likable to instantly bug-eyed over the course of 1.6 screen minutes.
For all nine of you who've never heard the "Amityville" tale, here's a short version that contains all the cogent points: there's this house where people got killed. Now some new people move in. Bumps in the proverbial night ensue. Screenwriter Scott Kosar (after delivering some great work with The Machinist and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) seems entirely stuck on auto-pilot here. And he's certainly not helped by a chop-socky editorial style: characters switch moods instantaneously, plot points dangle and eventually drop out of sight, and there's no semblance of sustained tension or gradual build-up of general creepiness.
That The Amityville Horror runs a scant 89 minutes means we don't have a whole lot of time to get to know anyone (particularly George), so when things start to fall apart, there's no sense of urgency, tragedy, or intensity. It's all just rainy hallways, cheap jolts, and sloppy editing techniques. It's plainly evident to me that debut director Andrew Douglas has his sights set on the action genre; the two most noteworthy sequences in The Amityville Horror are cut and scored like a solid action director would do it. Unfortunately there's a huge difference between how you pace an action sequence vs. a scene of intended terror.
There's nothing scary at all about this movie. It's entirely formulaic down to the smallest detail. You know precisely when the hands are going to shoot out of the bathtub, exactly when the creepy dead kid will be stuck to the ceiling, etc., etc. And then it's all wrapped up with a half-hearted "whatever" of an ending ... and everyone goes home hungry for some real horror.Most people expected very little from this remake, so my assertion that the movie kinda stinks will not surprise them one whit. I, on the other hand, had some really high hopes for this one, as if it could follow in the footsteps of the "Dawn of the Dead" and "Chainsaw" remakes. Alas, no. I say 'Good Job' to Reynolds and 'Better Luck Next Time' to Douglas, but as a true-blue horror geek, I must call it like a see it: this new "Amityville" is almost as good as the original one ... which is not exactly a compliment.
link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=11925&reviewer=128
originally posted: 04/18/05 01:37:15
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Horror Remakes: For more in the Horror Remakes series, click here.
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USA
15-Apr-2005 (R)
DVD: 04-Oct-2005
UK
N/A
Australia
14-Apr-2005
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