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Overall Rating

Awesome: 21.88%
Worth A Look: 13.28%
Average: 14.84%
Pretty Bad41.41%
Total Crap: 8.59%

12 reviews, 56 user ratings

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Longest Yard, The (2005)
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by Scott Weinberg

"Nothing says 'sports comedy' like two straight hours of dick jokes."
2 stars

If you pulled out every joke found in "The Longest Yard" that has to do with poop, piss, flatulence, penises & testicles, obesity, and stupidity, you'd still have litany of women-hating and gay-bashing material. Subtract those moments and you'd have a 13-minute block of poorly lensed football footage capped off by the end credits.

Of course nobody is expecting anything resembling High Art from a slobby football comedy like The Longest Yard. Based on a considerably more entertaining Burt Reynolds comedy from 1974, this loud and obnoxious remake sets its sights remarkably low ... and still manages to miss the mark with alarming consistency.

Adam Sandler is a former NFL quarterback who was forced to retire in shame after being accused of fixing games. As the movie opens, Sandler is being mercilessly berated by a busty shrew played by Courteney Cox. So Sandler steals her expensive car, causes a huge ruckus, and winds up in the slammer. Conveniently enough, it's a prison in which a lot of football is played. So when Sandler gets the opportunity to coach a squad of vicious convicts against a team made up entirely of prison guards ... well, let's just say you know precisely where The Longest Yard is headed.

But does the journey have to be laden with so many awful jokes?

Hey look, that stupid Italian guy is so fat he looks like he could explode at any time! Let's be sure to show that fat guy at least 23 times throughout the movie. Nothing's funnier than a dangerously obese slob! Oh, and let's be sure to have someone get kicked or punched in the nuts at least every 8.5 minutes. That stuff is comedy gold. And since lead goofball Adam Sandler doesn't even seem remotely interested in carrying something as heavy as a punch-line in this movie, let's make sure we have a keening crew of "prison-bitch" homosexuals that we can snigger at. This stuff just never gets old! And in between all the dick jokes and fart noises, let's find a way to include a disgusting old slut of a woman that we can mock and humiliate.

Frankly the stink of the "funny stuff" in The Longest Yard might have you reaching for the nearest bar of soap, but of course this stuff is just good ol' PG-13 family fun! Yuck.

Yep, it's the same old formula for the ever-reliable Adam Sandler. Make sure you keep the comedy material focused well below the Lowest Common Denominator Threshold, because nothing sells overseas like the good old poop joke. The Longest Yard lurches from scene to scene, listlessly depositing its "business" all over the screen with little rhyme or reason. And whenever a gag fails to hit its mark (which is often), the camera simply settles upon a shrieking homosexual, a muscle-bound idiot who makes funny faces, or that obese Italian guy who sure is amazingly fat.

And I think I speak for just about everyone in the moviegoing universe when I beg and plead: no more Chris Rock. Please. Not in movies. Not in any sort of situation in which the man is required to memorize and recite lines of dialogue. I'll be the first to scream from the hills that Chris Rock is a drop-dead brilliant stand-up comedian. He absolutely is. But watching the guy as he trys to act ... it's painful. Torturous, even. The guy recites dialogue as if he's reading a list of groceries. In Latin.

Director Peter Segal has made a career out of plumbing the worst sort of comedic dreck. Clearly his work on The Klumps was enough to show the world that Peter Segal loves doody jokes. In fact, I'll go on record as calling Peter Segal the David Lean of Farts & Feces. Good job, Pete. Yeah, who needs talented actors like Burt Reynolds, Bill Fichtner, and James Cromwell when you can just hit someone in the crotch for 105 minutes?

But perhaps it's unfair to blame Mr. Segal for this sort of generic sewer humor. The guy's been Adam Sandler's director monkey for three consecutive movies now (following Anger Management & 50 First Dates), and all of those movies have yielded huge lumps of cash simply by pandering shamelessly to the booger-eaters of the universe. The Longest Yard is precisely as bad as those films are, which means that Sandler fans the world over can shake their fist at me -- while everyone else has a grand old time. Frankly I think Adam Sandler has a whole lot more to offer than this sort of dingleberry material, but the guy's made a trillion dollars off of the poop jokes, so who really cares what I think?

"The Longest Yard" offers a slight handful of minor chuckles here and there, but those brief moments of levity are crushed under the weight of middle-school comedy material that's as gross and stupid as it is desperately played-out. And if an actual "football movie" is what you're after -- just stick with the 1974 original.

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originally posted: 05/27/05 14:52:27
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User Comments

8/27/13 Zack I love this movie 5 stars
11/13/09 Homer J. Fong Who is this "Pete" Crewe you keep mentioning? The character's name is *Paul*. 1 stars
5/25/09 Brandon Allin It's a mildly entertaining comedy. 3 stars
11/28/08 Shaun Wallner Hilarious Movie! 4 stars
9/27/08 k. this movie was awesome 5 stars
4/26/07 eddie great very funny just brill 5 stars
4/18/07 David Pollastrini not as good as the original 2 stars
1/21/07 David A. Poor remake of a weak original. This time, the ref gets hit in the nuts with the ball. 1 stars
11/23/06 Austin Wertman HILARIOUS 4 stars
11/16/06 Steve Newman Mean Machine in 1974 the best - British version on soccer was rubbish - this is truly awful 1 stars
9/08/06 drydock54321 do you really believe they would take football that seriously 2 stars
7/24/06 Joyce Verhoeven Cool 5 stars
7/08/06 NS Not much, but funny... and with Courteny Cox. 3 stars
7/08/06 Gerry Irons Funny in parts- overall not a typical sandler movie- bette than the original- like amore ad 3 stars
5/11/06 eric banner sandler did an exelent job in the movie, it was the best movie i've ever seen 5 stars
5/02/06 Anthony Feor Sandler should consider retirement 1 stars
4/25/06 jeffery goodson it was so great 5 stars
4/05/06 Quigley is dum this movie isnt foul Quigley what r u a mom 5 stars
4/03/06 JRE really funny. not as good as the first one though 4 stars
1/11/06 Michael Go Team and all that 4 stars
11/02/05 Dots Funny 5 stars
10/26/05 latrice this movie was the best and nelly was so fine 5 stars
10/26/05 jake awesome 5 stars
10/16/05 Quigley a totally foul and offensive movie. I really miss when movies were GOOD! skip this crap. 1 stars
9/13/05 bbbr sounds good 5 stars
9/10/05 Tori I thought this was a wonderful movie, hilarious 5 stars
8/28/05 Tom Burns A very entertaining movie. 5 stars
7/21/05 susie this movie rocks,i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
7/03/05 Vic Great movie...adam is hilarious was good even though i saw it twice in 1 day.agaisnt my wil 4 stars
7/02/05 Eddie Not the best remake 3 stars
6/29/05 Obi Wan Adam Sandler is NOT FUNNY! 1 stars
6/21/05 Amanda Roberts Definetly not as good as I expected 3 stars
6/15/05 Julia I totally love this movie and i am an 11 year old girl!! 5 stars
6/15/05 Quigley totally disgusting offensive humor that a stupid two year old would laugh at. atrocious!!!! 1 stars
6/15/05 Parsley I don't know what you think but I thought it was cool how it stuck to the origanal. 5 stars
6/14/05 anne Turner its better than all you idiots say it is 4 stars
6/12/05 Tanya Simpson I thought it was hysterically funny 4 stars
6/12/05 Valerie Won't increase your intellect or political awareness, but great for laughs 4 stars
6/09/05 chris kohn even though dis movie was a remake of a classic it still was a hit wit da new generation"X" 5 stars
6/08/05 Drew Peltier I really enjoyed this movie 4 stars
6/07/05 Dave McCulley This movie was hilarious. This reviewer doesn't know good movies. Adam Sandler at his best 5 stars
6/07/05 John Bale Sandler miscast badly in this poor remake that lacks many laughs, but not action. 3 stars
6/07/05 KingNeutron What can I say, I liked it. 4 stars
6/05/05 Brian how many SNL has-bens does it take to make a bad movie? 1 stars
6/05/05 Josh Brogan This was a very funny movie, sandler is a comical genious, see it for yourself 5 stars
6/03/05 Christy Schultz The original was way better... 2 stars
6/03/05 deadwiz Fun for a few laughs, nothing more. 3 stars
6/03/05 Quigley i wish the ratings could go lower, because this crap-fest deserves every stinkin' bit!!!!! 1 stars
6/03/05 drgonzo7 normally i hate Adam Sandler, but this movie wasn't that bad. 4 stars
6/03/05 Hater Sandler is not funny! Can't hold a movie, better suited for skits on SNL! 1 stars
6/02/05 sandler sucks sandler sucks 2 stars
6/01/05 Josh It was awesome! It was so funny. It rocked. I would see it again and again and again. 5 stars
5/29/05 Frank Newhouse Fooooonies! =-) 5 stars
5/29/05 KCobain Sandler officially sucks now. What garbage. 1 stars
5/27/05 tomlove thanhcong 2 stars
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  27-May-2005 (PG-13)
  DVD: 20-Sep-2005



Directed by
  Peter Segal

Written by
  Sheldon Turner

  Adam Sandler
  Chris Rock
  Burt Reynolds
  James Cromwell
  William Fichtner

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