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Overall Rating

Awesome: 21.88%
Worth A Look: 13.28%
Average: 14.84%
Pretty Bad41.41%
Total Crap: 8.59%

12 reviews, 56 user ratings

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Longest Yard, The (2005)
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by EricDSnider

"A football in the groin! It works on so many levels!"
2 stars

The first shot in "The Longest Yard" is of an attractive bikini-clad woman gliding through a backyard swimming pool at a Southern California party. This is the film's way of assuring us that, despite the ensuing 114 minutes of references to testicles, penises, groins, gay sex and male rape, with nary a female character to be found, the film is totally NOT gay, dude! NOT GAY!!!

Anyway, this extraordinarily gay movie stars Adam Sandler as Paul Crewe, a former NFL quarterback (yeah, right) who was banned from the sport for shaving points and throwing a game. He's now washed up, a drunken, delirious idiot, who is sentenced to prison after stealing his girlfriend's car, driving it while drinking, smashing up several police cars, and leading the cops on a high-speed chase through San Diego. (All of this is played for laughs, by the way, especially the part where Paul drinks a beer right in front of the traffic cop. Make sure your impressionable teenagers who idolize Adam Sandler see this movie several times!)

At the Allenville Penitentiary in Texas, Paul is recruited by the warden (James Cromwell) to put together a football team of convicts to play an exhibition game against the guards as a warm-up for the guards' real season against other prisons' employees. Paul figures they don't have a chance of winning, what with the inferior equipment and minimal practice time. But once he's assembled his rag-tag group of players -- all of whom are eager for a chance to tackle the sadistic guards without fear of reprisal -- he thinks maybe a victory is possible after all.

This is a remake of a 1974 film, of course, which starred Burt Reynolds in the Adam Sandler role. (That Reynolds is not chagrined to have his memorable performances of yesteryear re-imagined by Sandler and company is evidence of his decline.) Reynolds shows up in the new version, this time as a former professional athlete, now a prisoner, who helps Paul coach the team. Also showing up are a multitude of real-life football players and announcers, which apparently is very thrilling and perhaps even funny. Also, there is a rapper named Nelly, presumably named after "Little House on the Prairie's" Nellie Olesen, who plays a very fast prisoner/running back.

Chris Rock is on hand as Caretaker, the prisoner who can get whatever forbidden luxuries you want. Mostly his job is to point out the amusing differences between white people and black people. I am glad he is there, because sometimes I forget. Sometimes I think we are all the same. But then Chris Rock arrives and observes that white people are good at hockey while black people are good at football. And it's true! We're so lame.

Sandler is playing his Everyman character here (i.e., he's using his real voice, not one of his annoying character dialects), with Sheldon Turner's blunt, hackneyed screenplay setting up jerks and idiots so that Sandler can knock them down, usually literally, but sometimes verbally. These are often cheap, easy jokes, though. Notice the scene where Paul encounters a fat man with a white goatee, dressed as a Southern gentleman. Sandler says, "Looks like Colonel Sanders has been eating his own chicken." At first you think this is funny. But then you think: Wait a minute. The only reason the guy is fat and wearing a bow tie is that the script called for him to be. The movie put him there JUST so Sandler could make a joke about him.

Let's say you're walking down the street with Adam Sandler and you see an obese woman wearing a dress with red, blue and yellow stripes on it. Sandler cracks, "If she's wearing that, what's covering up the circus?," and you laugh because it's right off the top of his head. But if you later find out that Sandler arranged for that woman to be there, dressed like that, just so he could make the joke and impress you with his wit -- well, where's the humor in that?

The movie, directed by regular Sandler co-conspirator Peter Segal, is fond of such situations, where it sets up straw men so Sandler can light them on fire. (Pity the poor cop who is short and has big ears. Pity more the actor who responded to the casting call for "short actor with big ears," only to discover his role was as Adam Sandler's whipping boy.)

The jokes aren't all cheap, pre-fabricated gags like that, though. Some of them are good old-fashioned kick-in-the-crotch jokes. Or jokes about the posse of gay inmates who dress like women and flirt dirtily with all the other prisoners. Or a running gag where a man's steroids are replaced with estrogen pills and he starts acting like a woman. Or the hilarious sequence where a prisoner's ill intentions cause the death of a major character. (Actually, that last one isn't supposed to be funny. But I laughed no more or less at that than I did at the other parts. I'm just sayin'.)

It's not that there's anything wrong with politically incorrect humor. I quite like it, in fact. But I do demand that it be funny. This film seems like it was made by 14-year-old boys, FOR 14-year-old boys. If that's you, then go and have a good time. But if you're post-adolescent, there's nothing for you here.

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originally posted: 05/27/05 15:54:47
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User Comments

8/27/13 Zack I love this movie 5 stars
11/13/09 Homer J. Fong Who is this "Pete" Crewe you keep mentioning? The character's name is *Paul*. 1 stars
5/25/09 Brandon Allin It's a mildly entertaining comedy. 3 stars
11/28/08 Shaun Wallner Hilarious Movie! 4 stars
9/27/08 k. this movie was awesome 5 stars
4/26/07 eddie great very funny just brill 5 stars
4/18/07 David Pollastrini not as good as the original 2 stars
1/21/07 David A. Poor remake of a weak original. This time, the ref gets hit in the nuts with the ball. 1 stars
11/23/06 Austin Wertman HILARIOUS 4 stars
11/16/06 Steve Newman Mean Machine in 1974 the best - British version on soccer was rubbish - this is truly awful 1 stars
9/08/06 drydock54321 do you really believe they would take football that seriously 2 stars
7/24/06 Joyce Verhoeven Cool 5 stars
7/08/06 NS Not much, but funny... and with Courteny Cox. 3 stars
7/08/06 Gerry Irons Funny in parts- overall not a typical sandler movie- bette than the original- like amore ad 3 stars
5/11/06 eric banner sandler did an exelent job in the movie, it was the best movie i've ever seen 5 stars
5/02/06 Anthony Feor Sandler should consider retirement 1 stars
4/25/06 jeffery goodson it was so great 5 stars
4/05/06 Quigley is dum this movie isnt foul Quigley what r u a mom 5 stars
4/03/06 JRE really funny. not as good as the first one though 4 stars
1/11/06 Michael Go Team and all that 4 stars
11/02/05 Dots Funny 5 stars
10/26/05 latrice this movie was the best and nelly was so fine 5 stars
10/26/05 jake awesome 5 stars
10/16/05 Quigley a totally foul and offensive movie. I really miss when movies were GOOD! skip this crap. 1 stars
9/13/05 bbbr sounds good 5 stars
9/10/05 Tori I thought this was a wonderful movie, hilarious 5 stars
8/28/05 Tom Burns A very entertaining movie. 5 stars
7/21/05 susie this movie rocks,i love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
7/03/05 Vic Great movie...adam is hilarious was good even though i saw it twice in 1 day.agaisnt my wil 4 stars
7/02/05 Eddie Not the best remake 3 stars
6/29/05 Obi Wan Adam Sandler is NOT FUNNY! 1 stars
6/21/05 Amanda Roberts Definetly not as good as I expected 3 stars
6/15/05 Julia I totally love this movie and i am an 11 year old girl!! 5 stars
6/15/05 Quigley totally disgusting offensive humor that a stupid two year old would laugh at. atrocious!!!! 1 stars
6/15/05 Parsley I don't know what you think but I thought it was cool how it stuck to the origanal. 5 stars
6/14/05 anne Turner its better than all you idiots say it is 4 stars
6/12/05 Tanya Simpson I thought it was hysterically funny 4 stars
6/12/05 Valerie Won't increase your intellect or political awareness, but great for laughs 4 stars
6/09/05 chris kohn even though dis movie was a remake of a classic it still was a hit wit da new generation"X" 5 stars
6/08/05 Drew Peltier I really enjoyed this movie 4 stars
6/07/05 Dave McCulley This movie was hilarious. This reviewer doesn't know good movies. Adam Sandler at his best 5 stars
6/07/05 John Bale Sandler miscast badly in this poor remake that lacks many laughs, but not action. 3 stars
6/07/05 KingNeutron What can I say, I liked it. 4 stars
6/05/05 Brian how many SNL has-bens does it take to make a bad movie? 1 stars
6/05/05 Josh Brogan This was a very funny movie, sandler is a comical genious, see it for yourself 5 stars
6/03/05 Christy Schultz The original was way better... 2 stars
6/03/05 deadwiz Fun for a few laughs, nothing more. 3 stars
6/03/05 Quigley i wish the ratings could go lower, because this crap-fest deserves every stinkin' bit!!!!! 1 stars
6/03/05 drgonzo7 normally i hate Adam Sandler, but this movie wasn't that bad. 4 stars
6/03/05 Hater Sandler is not funny! Can't hold a movie, better suited for skits on SNL! 1 stars
6/02/05 sandler sucks sandler sucks 2 stars
6/01/05 Josh It was awesome! It was so funny. It rocked. I would see it again and again and again. 5 stars
5/29/05 Frank Newhouse Fooooonies! =-) 5 stars
5/29/05 KCobain Sandler officially sucks now. What garbage. 1 stars
5/27/05 tomlove thanhcong 2 stars
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  27-May-2005 (PG-13)
  DVD: 20-Sep-2005



Directed by
  Peter Segal

Written by
  Sheldon Turner

  Adam Sandler
  Chris Rock
  Burt Reynolds
  James Cromwell
  William Fichtner

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