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Overall Rating
2.12

Awesome: 4.52%
Worth A Look: 10.05%
Average: 20.6%
Pretty Bad: 22.11%
Total Crap42.71%

16 reviews, 103 user ratings


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Fantastic Four (2005)
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by U.J. Lessing

"Four Pretty White Deformed Superheroes"
1 stars

The tagline of Marvel Enterprises’ latest Superhero film is, “Prepare for the Fantastic.” I’m guessing most fans of the original Fantastic Four will not take this as a long overdue call to bathe and socialize with the opposite sex, and instead will prepare for this tired comic book movie by… well… rereading their comic collections.

Now, I hate to sound snobby. In point of fact, I did read and collect some comic books when I was a kid, but seeing Fantastic Four makes me wish I had spent that time playing sports or doing something less stupid. Actually, ‘Stupid’ perfectly sums up the plot, characters, direction, villain and source material of 20th Century Fox’s latest time-vampire.

The story begins when scientist extraordinaire Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd) and his lapdog astronaut manservant Ben Grimm (Michael Chiklis) meet with billionaire Victor Von Doom (Julian McMahon) to ask for funding for a space research project. Von Doom is arrogant and insulting, and one gets the sense that given the proper motivation, he’d become a vile super-villain.

After some groveling, the snarling and smug Von Doom decides to fund a mission into space to implement a pseudo-scientific spurious experimentation on flowers and space rays. “A few days in space. What’s the worst that can happen?” quips Richards.

Joining the team are two more beautiful people. Susan Storm (Jessica Alba) is a genetic engineer whose real job is to look really pretty and make both Von Doom and Richards jealous of each other.

Her playboy daredevil brother, Johnny (Chris Evans) is a space pilot who suffers from a rare disorder that causes rock guitar riffs to play whenever he enters a scene. The team launches into space and onto an old Doctor Who set of a space station.

Things don’t go according to plan and they are pummeled by a cosmic storm that reshuffles their DNA. When they return to earth, each one of them discovers that they have powers. Dr. Richards develops mature grey temples and gets the ability to stretch like a rubber band and talk to girls.

Susan realizes she turns invisible whenever she gets emotional. Comic mogul Stan Lee obviously didn’t consult any of his female friends when designing this power. Male readers, go up to any woman you know and say, “Wouldn’t it be great if you turned invisible when you are emotional?” to see what I mean. Susan can also make force fields that protect people from fires and explosions but unfortunately not from poor dialogue.

Johnny Storm controls fire at will. This gives him the ability to burn through his clothing, participate in the X-Games, and fly amongst numerous product placement banners and signs. Tragically, the space storm appears to have eliminated his genitalia. As the Human Torch, he has detailed eyebrows and facial features, but alas no sign of anything downstairs.

Poor Ben Grimm suffers the most tragic fate. He is transformed from the charismatic, brilliant actor Michael Chiklis into a giant prosthetic goofy suit that fools no one. Grimm is so furious at his career direction that he storms off to New York City to gain comfort from his hot girlfriend and, conceivably, to clobber his agent.

Grimm inadvertently causes an accident on the Brooklyn Bridge and all three of his friends help save the humans in peril. After everyone gets to rescue someone, and Grimm’s girlfriend shows up unexpectedly at the accident scene to dump him, all four decide to all move into Richards’ penthouse condo, work on a cure to Grimm’s geologic dermatitis and call themselves the Fantastic Four.

None of them realize that the fifth man on board the space station, Von Doom, is becoming more psychotic and metallic. With his business ventures failing miserably and a large scar marring his pretty-boy visage, he changes his name to Doctor Doom and learns to control electricity. Things take a turn for the worse when he kills a business rival for the sole purpose of giving the movie a lucrative PG-13 rating.

Actually, it’s hard to feel empathy for heroes who initially trust a guy with ‘Doom’ featured prominently in his family name, but worse judgments have been made. One wonders if the director of this film was chosen because of his literary last name. Certainly, Tim Story was not chosen for his directorial efforts on the Queen Latifah vehicle, Taxi.

Come to think of it, writer Michael France may have to flee to that country after writing the three worst superhero movies of the decade: The Incredible Hulk, The Punisher and this drivel, but I digress.

Surprised by the betrayal and evil nature of their colleague, the fab four team up to fight the villain. All of this leads to a breathtaking final confrontation with the evil Doctor Doom that lasts about three minutes.

The moronic ending leaves you with an overwhelming feeling that using the admission price to purchase a pair of Fantastic Four Electronic Stone Stompin' ‘Thing’ Feet from Toys R Us would have brought you more joy.

Fantastic Four is not fantastic. It’s not normal either. It’s not even so-so. It’s a poorly written disaster of a film that will not satisfy anyone. Perhaps attempting to film one of the lamest comics out there was the grandest mistake of all.

Kind of makes you wonder what superhero they will try to film next. My vote is for DC comic's the Matter-Eater Lad.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=12567&reviewer=396
originally posted: 07/08/05 13:59:41
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User Comments

8/05/10 Dr.Lao Could have done with less angst and more action. Oh yeah, and Doom was a huge misfire. 3 stars
8/21/08 The Dork Knight I actually liked Dr Doom despite what everyone says 2 stars
8/07/08 Shaun Wallner This movie was funny!! 5 stars
6/22/08 David V Not good...not good at all. 2 stars
5/16/08 PAUL SHORTT NEVER GOES DEEPER THAN THE INK OF A COMIC BOOK 1 stars
9/26/07 dude yawn 1 stars
7/17/07 MaDmAN Nice looking movie, i liked the villain just too much whining and moaning 4 stars
6/20/07 mr.mike not bad at all (on video).... 4 stars
6/06/07 Blizz POOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
5/24/07 Tracey Chambers boring, ugly, and stupid 1 stars
5/24/07 action movie fan disappointing adaption of very good marvel comic superheros 3 stars
5/15/07 967 What a horrible movie, they try to get get rid of their powers the whole film. WTF? 1 stars
3/20/07 dude crud 2 stars
2/22/07 johnnyfog I liked Dr Doom, but that's about it. Still better than Superman Returns 2 stars
2/20/07 Angie OMG!! How did this ever happened. Not saying it's the end of the world, but seriously. 1 stars
2/16/07 Vip Ebriega It's like reading a comic book. 3 stars
11/27/06 Austin Wertman A BIT OF A BORE. TERRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 stars
11/03/06 David Pollastrini not great, not terrible 3 stars
10/17/06 Anthony Feor This movie and X-Men 3 should never have been made 1 stars
10/08/06 ed terrible on just about every level 1 stars
9/19/06 bullit16 So bad, on so many levels 1 stars
9/02/06 Tricia Not perfect, but not entirely horrible either, IMO.I 4 stars
6/23/06 George It was okay, but The story is undeveloped. 3 stars
5/03/06 Cuenzie Wunzie It's a Joke, right? 1 stars
4/06/06 Fred WOW ! very informative ...and i like those pics of ur nephew , so cute !! can see that u pu 5 stars
4/02/06 JM Synth Not as annoying as it looked from the trailers 3 stars
2/23/06 Indrid Cold Not very good, but neither was SpiderMan, and everyone liked that for some reason. 3 stars
1/29/06 Quigley This movie is so, so bad. it makes the hulk look like a movie worth watching. 1 stars
1/08/06 Jim Not as bad as I expected. Is that praise? 3 stars
1/03/06 AM It sucked! I'm so glad I'm not American. I was a little ambivalent about the comics, but 1 stars
12/30/05 tony BORING!! Why was this movie made? Marvel comics is going down the drain 1 stars
12/24/05 The Grinch Chiklis and McMahon are good, Ian's wasted, Alba can't act, enternaing enough I guess 3 stars
12/08/05 tatum Christ, Stan Lee, sell the rights to your grocery list, too 3 stars
12/05/05 WSH One of the worst movies ever made! 1 stars
11/30/05 Jeff Anderson The worst superhero film to date & I've SEEN Albert Pyun's boring as hell CAPTAIN AMERICA!! 1 stars
11/29/05 Ming Jessica Alba and the spectacular visual effects save this from being a disaster. 3 stars
11/24/05 Angela Renee Garrett I totaly agree with you Mel 1 stars
11/10/05 Erik Van Sant Took a Fantastic concept and shit all over it. Avoid like the plague. 1 stars
11/09/05 Stan L good efx, but not much of story, rent Xmen1or2, Batman, or Spiderman 1or2 instead 2 stars
11/06/05 Angela Garrett I totally agree with Mel Valetine ON Fantastic Four 2 stars
11/01/05 PAG OK, decent film. 3 stars
10/27/05 deadwiz Should and could have been so much better! 3 stars
10/27/05 chris a very poor film indeed a waste of my time and money at the cinema 1 stars
10/12/05 Quigley if it had made like batman begins it would havce rocked, but story didn't watch Incredibles 1 stars
9/20/05 alexander somarriba okay 4 stars
9/19/05 Jonathon Holmes Tim Story should watch "Batman Begins" and hang his head in shame 1 stars
8/18/05 green gremlin Rent the "Xmen" DVD instead !!! 1 stars
8/15/05 .:*paris*:. i was expecting something fantastic but quite dissapointed,but certainly entertaining and f 4 stars
8/11/05 Rob S. Why didn't they follow the original story? Victor Von Doom was not a rich businessman. 2 stars
8/11/05 ES Story should have watched the incredibles and then went back to the drawing board on this 3 stars
8/09/05 jada so bad my 10yr old asked to leave, which i gladly agreed 1 stars
8/07/05 Aaron McGraw Poor camera work, they spent more time fighting one another than the mediocre badguy. 3 stars
8/03/05 Brandy Harrington The only comic book movie that is worse than this crap, is Batman & Robin. 1 stars
8/03/05 Quigley Not engaging like spider-man, and mostly not funny. watch something else, please 3 stars
8/03/05 Clatz Absolute pants 1 stars
8/01/05 Helen Greatest Comic book brought onto the big screen. 5 stars
7/30/05 Anders Torp Maybe even a worse disaster than "The Hulk" (if that's possible). 1 stars
7/30/05 PK Chris Evans is on fire! If he'd keep his shirt off the whole movie, I'd give more stars. 3 stars
7/29/05 Moctezuma More of a monstrosity than an actual film 1 stars
7/25/05 M i just wasted 2 hrs of my life!!!! 1 stars
7/24/05 Snakeboy Lots of gaps in the story but still fun 4 stars
7/23/05 Duffyboy666 SHIT! 1 stars
7/22/05 Quigley good special effects cannot save this movie. it had potential and it failed 3 stars
7/21/05 William Vollmer not bad; not great between xmen & Hulk 3 stars
7/21/05 leta Marshall I loved it ! 5 stars
7/19/05 FFlovr u critic hacks! this movie is ure gold, this instantly became my favorite movie 5 stars
7/19/05 Brandy Harrington Damn, this was worse than HULK. 1 stars
7/19/05 fernando thisw movie is bull shit and fuking movie 1 stars
7/18/05 Dave It could've been better, but it had enough fun moments. 4 stars
7/18/05 Matt Thiel Much better than Catwoman. If you want to see F4, do NOT pay to see it!!! 2 stars
7/17/05 John Bell Sometimes we have to set our high sensiblities aside as ask ourselves: did I enjoy the film 4 stars
7/15/05 tony What a rip off. I should have rented Speed 2. At least i would have enjoyed that. 1 stars
7/15/05 B.E. Total garbage. 1 stars
7/14/05 Anus FANTASTIC BORE! Too much whiny drama, not enough action 2 stars
7/13/05 DK i don't pay to hear slogans from bad tv+comercials.got refund of ticket. 1 stars
7/13/05 Tim O! I actually liked the film. I like the friend/family story line. 4 stars
7/13/05 C.E. Can comic book movies get any worse? 1 stars
7/13/05 Peter Griffin There's no reason for a superhero movie to be this lousy. 1 stars
7/12/05 Ole Man Bourbon Pretty bad, but I've seen worse 3 stars
7/12/05 Jorge Lizarazo Good movie, brings the F4 to life. 4 stars
7/12/05 Robin Lent Fantastic Four is far better than the reviews by maintream media 4 stars
7/11/05 Uncle Salty How about... Duuuuuuuuuuuuuh! 1 stars
7/11/05 KELLEN MATHERS Not enough action, unless you count setting up a sequel 2 stars
7/11/05 8=====D shitty just like the comic 1 stars
7/11/05 Peteca It's great dude!~5 origins in one! You can't ask for more! Go see it!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
7/11/05 Naka Sucked ass. 1 stars
7/11/05 Burt Ward It's okay, you should see Batman Begins instead though 3 stars
7/11/05 FFFan Holy Crap, not horrible, but not quite mediocre either 2 stars
7/10/05 Lord Jiggy It doesn't cure cancer...not bad for light fun.. Lame story, decent work on characters 4 stars
7/10/05 Dustin Low expectations though made for more enjoyment. Seriously, it wasn't that bad. 4 stars
7/10/05 Charlene Javier It's not as bad as it sounds. 3 stars
7/10/05 Brian chiklis shouldn't be wasting his time on this crap... 1 stars
7/09/05 Dan I don't know what movie you all watched. This was better than Spiderman. 5 stars
7/09/05 RoyAgain The End of the Marvel Era 2 stars
7/09/05 Derek I love my 1985 buick better than this movie!!!! 1 stars
7/09/05 Genericus I really liked it! All these reviews are anti-hype 5 stars
7/09/05 Moctezuma Fantastic Flop 2 stars
7/09/05 BrianWilly I actually really liked it. People need to stop being such snobs. 5 stars
7/09/05 Johnnybgoode Humorous. I found it a welcome relief from this year's consistently dark, tragic fare. 4 stars
7/09/05 Kristina Williams straight up doodoo 1 stars
7/09/05 malcolm better than i expected. alba's gorgeous but should really work on her acting skills. 3 stars
7/08/05 Ray Anyone could see this coming. 1 stars
7/08/05 Sugarfoot All of a sudden Roger Corman doesn't look to bad now. 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  08-Jul-2005 (PG-13)
  DVD: 05-Jun-2007

UK
  N/A

Australia
  07-Jul-2005




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