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Overall Rating

Awesome: 0%
Worth A Look: 29.58%
Pretty Bad: 8.45%
Total Crap: 22.54%

9 reviews, 17 user ratings

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Bad News Bears (2005)
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by U.J. Lessing

"No News is Good News"
1 stars

Bad News Bears is a lot like the non-alcoholic beer that Billy Bob Thorntonís character consumes throughout this lukewarm remake. It attempts to copy the original, but produces only a flat and flavorless experience that makes you question your consumer sense. Oh, and it has terrible taste too.

The original Bad News Bearsí success lay in its ability to capture the bliss and oppressiveness of childhood simultaneously. This classic left a strong impression on my generation because it was not afraid to put kids in an un-nurturing world with unreliable and dangerous adults.

By comparison, this unnecessary remakeís failure lies in its inability to create anything remotely connected to the real world.

At its best, it faithfully copies the original. At its worst, Bad News Bears pitifully attempts to draw laughter from its audience by parading cussing and sassy children in front of the screen like obscene little parrots.

Thornton stars as Morris Buttermaker, an alcoholic ex-baseball player (and thanks to Thorntonís uninspired performance, the slightly mellower twin brother of Willie from Bad Santa), who is given the daunting task of coaching a little league team.

Not since the awful 90s remake of The Little Rascals has there been a more unnatural group of children on the big screen. This multiethnic, multi-sized group of foul-mouthed, punching snots play baseball worse than the Kansas City Royals and Florida Marlins combined.

Hijinks, headache-inducing shouting, and lots of atypical cursing ensues as the team makes their way to the championship where they take on the Yankees and their obsessed coach, Roy (Greg Kinnear.)

Greg, I grew up with Vic Morrow. I rented Vic Morrowís movies. Vic Morrow was a hero of mine. Kinnear, youíre no Vic Morrow.

When rewriting the old version, the writers decided they could improve things by adding the one vice the original didnít cover: sex. The results are unintentionally disturbing. Buttermaker flirts with an underage softball player. Buttermaker brings a stripper to a dinner for the coaches. Buttermaker sleeps with the mother of one of the boys on the team.

Perhaps in the sequel, Buttermaker will take the children on a field trip to Michael Jacksonís Neverland Ranch.

Unsurprisingly, this all culminates with Buttermaker taking the team to Hooters where the waitresses spontaneously and gleefully celebrate with the team. I know itís only late July, but Hooters is a shoo-in for the obscure ĎMost Immoral and Troubling Product Placement of the Yearí Award.

Hereís a little bit of humble advice to current and future moviemakers. Please stop remaking high-quality movies. Before burning through some greedy studioís money, ask yourself if there is any purpose or reason to do it.

Youíre not going to capture the magic of the original. Your work will seem derivative and flat, and you arenít going to make a huge amount of money.

Directors, if you canít get the urge out of your system, remake a really bad movie from the 70s. Iím not promising you wonít go wrong, but if you attempt to remake a movie like Gabe Kaplanís Fast Break, Tony Curtisís The Bad News Bears Go to Japan, or Richard Pryorís Bustiní Loose, you are guaranteed to improve the original.

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originally posted: 07/23/05 12:36:57
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User Comments

10/17/10 art JUST as LOUSY as the 1976 ORIGINAL! 1 stars
4/06/08 Todd Should not have been remade. 3 stars
5/21/07 cnsheart Billy Bob is great and makes the movie worth watching. Kid actors? the best you could do? 4 stars
3/23/07 mb Empty Movie 2 stars
11/30/06 Stanley Thai An average comedy. 3 stars
10/02/06 Jeff Anderson A horribly lazy updated remake & pointless! A waste of time, even Billy Bob's 1 stars
5/23/06 Jack Sommersby Tired, needless sequel is a royal stinker. 1 stars
5/09/06 Carolyn Rathburn not a kids movie, it is missleading making you think it is. 2 stars
10/25/05 DEEDeeDEEe Linklater! U dumb ass Squeezn my Terds took more time, And it felt better when it was over 2 stars
8/17/05 Agent Sands Linklater has made the epitome of a Just Average movie. Simple, funny, forgettable, shallow 3 stars
8/08/05 Taylor this was a freaking disgrace to the original. don't waste your time!!!! 1 stars
8/05/05 ron abrams cute, but no bad santa 2 stars
8/03/05 ALDO billy bob and kinnear make it well worth watching. Probably the worst kid cast ever 3 stars
8/01/05 William Vollmer in it's own way as good as the original 4 stars
7/29/05 Bad Critic Billybod is great, just like in Bandits, and Bad Santa. 4 stars
7/25/05 Vic Just moving the previous post off the page 2 stars
7/24/05 Duffyboy666 WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! What the FUCK is the point in THIS?! Tape the TV show instead! 2 stars
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  22-Jul-2005 (PG)
  DVD: 13-Dec-2005



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