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Overall Rating

Awesome: 4.6%
Worth A Look: 3.45%
Average: 8.05%
Pretty Bad: 32.18%
Total Crap51.72%

9 reviews, 33 user ratings

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by Scott Weinberg

"This movie hated me from the opening scene; two hours later, it was mutual."
1 stars

Take only the most cursory components of "2001: A Space Odyssey," "Frankenstein," "Firefox," "Top Gun," --- oh, and let's say "Short Circuit," and wedge 'em all into one airtight box. Wrap that box in dynamite, hand grenades, used bubble gum, and broken glass, and then strap it to your back while you leap off a cliff screaming "I scored 420 on my S.A.TEEEeeeeee!" That's pretty much what "Stealth" feels like.

Stealth is a movie about a rogue super-computer mega-swanky-jet-fighter, three cocky air force pilots, a whole lot of moronic nonsense, and a few random explosions. And, oddly enough, there's no "stealth" in this movie whatsoever. Being "stealthy" would imply a light touch, something delicate and planned with some strategic forethought. Nope, you'd be better off naming this fifth-generation knock-off wankfest something like Girth.

Josh Lucas, Jessica Biel, and Jamie Foxx play three of the universe's most unlikely pilots. They're slick, they're stylish, they're completely unprofessional and entirely bereft of anything resembling normal human behavior. Basically, they're cartoon characters: the busty gal, the wise-cracking black guy, and the bland leader-boy. Yawn. Anyway, here comes the newest in jet-fighter technology: a completely computer-operated robot plane that's programmed to do exactly what it's told with pinpoint precision and unfailing accuracy. (Oh, except if it happens to get hit by lightning, which is precisely what happens on the plane's first mission.)

If I told you that the whole plot consisted of these three idiots trying to track down Blippy the Wonder Jet, you'd (logically) wonder how director Rob Cohen (a.k.a. the guy who directed xXx, Stealth, and The Fast and the Furious, and therefore makes Michael Bay look like Stanley Kubrick mixed with Ingmar Bergman) would be able to fill 110 interminable minutes with a premise this flimsy. After seeing Stealth, I'm still wondering myself.

Stealth just sits there like a huge, dead, tin-plated cat; a soulless, gleaming, and bloated husk, lazily trying to dazzle you with its own shrieking stupidity, at least up until the point when you realize that the filmmakers actually expect you to eat the thing up with a spoon, and then your slack-jawed amazement morphs into venomous contempt for the overpaid, under-thinking schlock-slingers -- mainly because, with the act of creating this movie, they're basically calling you, and everyone around you, a moron of the highest order.

Of course there's nothing new about aggressively mindless and borderline brain-dead action movies, but Cohen and company go well beyond the realm of stupid escapism and dip their feet into the pond of unwitting parody, with a quick side-visit into the fantasy world of hateful and woefully transparent jingoism. Frankly ... this movie made me kind of sick -- and more than a little humiliated. This is exactly the sort of low-minded and pandering propaganda piece that helps to foster and promote anti-American sentiments around the globe. And I seriously believe that. (Cinema being one of the few successful exports that America still has left, don't forget.)

Stealth is the sort of movie that A) whores out some unkind visual memories of 9/11 just to sell a stupid action scene, B) delights and panders in the death throes of anyone who's not American and beautiful, and C) actually has the audacity to showcase a big, gung-ho, kill-happy finale in North Korea in order to juice up ticket sales in the gun-lobby states. Frankly the sensation of Stealth is like listening to a mildly retarded 4-year-old give a lecture on the Vietnam War: It's embarrassing for all of us, and an absolute disgrace for whomever decided to put the kid up there in the first place.

Assembly-line product of the most migraine-inducing sort, Stealth is nothing but two solid hours of awful banter, poorly presented and shockingly unexciting action scenes, chest-thumping militaristic lip-service, and outright sci-fi plagiarism of the most shameless variety. It's a loud, hollow, callous, and hate-filled little cinematic abortion -- and I am indeed just a little bit stupider for having sat through it. Don't let it happen to you.

Yeah, yeah, I know: "Turn off your brain and enjoy the mindless ride." I've heard it all before, folks, but here's the problem: "Stealth" doesn't want you to just "turn off your brain." It wants you to toss your brain into a paper shredder, chuckle at the shameless and contemptuous hatred displayed onscreen, and revel in a monumentally awful movie that's so blatantly cobbled together from other awful movies. Plus, here's a hearty "screw you" to any movie that asks me to turn off my brain. If I were actually ABLE to turn off my brain, I'd be too busy making movies like "Stealth" to form a rational thought.

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originally posted: 07/29/05 14:04:04
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User Comments

8/13/08 Shaun Wallner This movie has some great scenes in it. 5 stars
6/16/07 al smith leave your brain at the door and you will have a good time 4 stars
4/19/07 Stevo UK As pleasurable as a meteor strike to the balls. 1 stars
2/23/07 David Pollastrini Jessica Biel is hot! 2 stars
9/30/06 Stanley Thai Filled with great action scenes and a good plot. Come on people, where's the love? 3 stars
7/28/06 drydock54321 do you really think he could have found her from the air and all the landscape. 2 stars
7/27/06 Alonso Bonilla bleak, boring, and just plain stupid, people, do not watch this movie! 1 stars
2/06/06 cody a pretty good action flick, with edge seat action scenes! fun time 4 stars
12/29/05 tony Not even close. This movie is without a doubt one of the worst movies in hollywood! 1 stars
12/22/05 tina mateer boring!!! If it did not cost so much to go see, would of left right away 1 stars
12/18/05 J.D. Pittman III Come on people! You know that movie was tight! 5 stars
12/05/05 Carolyn good explosions and sfx, nice eye candy worth a rental 3 stars
11/29/05 JH Oh Dear God. Make It Stop. Killer Tomatos was better. 1 stars
11/28/05 ELI Planes fall down go BOOM! That's a pretty complex plot! Eh, the planes looked nice 2 stars
11/27/05 Evil Wolfie The action was nice looking..... at least. 3 stars
11/25/05 shaun wallner i thought this movie was pretty good but i didnt like the music 2 stars
11/23/05 Narcs Cool planes.. but too fake and video game oriented. 3 stars
11/14/05 Lanie Richardson Not the best movie... but I liked it. 4 stars
10/12/05 Josh Swanson Not the greatest movie, but Jessica Biel ain't bad on the eyes. 2 stars
10/05/05 Ava Rice Jessica Biel thinks her shit don't stink; otherwise film coulda been 90% more watchable. 3 stars
10/03/05 poo it's so bad it's funny. good for a larf. 2 stars
9/17/05 Green Gremlin Makes "Top Gun" look like "Saving Private Ryan" !!! 2 stars
9/14/05 Pinkline Jones Cohens couldn't direct a turd down a Toto toilet 1 stars
9/14/05 Jonathon Holmes Foxx should be ashamed of himself 1 stars
9/12/05 Summer 2 hours too long! 2 stars
8/08/05 E Well, this is quite underrated 5 stars
8/08/05 ^ZuLu^ stereotypes - sfx - sfx - forseeable - stupid ending - yawn 1 stars
8/05/05 Jake Shocker A Thriller. 5 stars
8/01/05 KingNeutron Good FX, ridiculous dialogue, ridiculous plotline. 2 stars
7/31/05 ClaranceTheCobra If Jessica Biel Had balls, I'd probably lick 'em 2 stars
7/31/05 Naka Nope! 1 stars
7/27/05 Ice-T too heavy on the effects and blur 3 stars
7/26/05 WilliamPrice standard zoom and boom 3 stars
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  29-Jul-2005 (PG-13)
  DVD: 15-Nov-2005



Directed by
  Rob Cohen

Written by
  W.D. Richter

  Josh Lucas
  Jessica Biel
  Jamie Foxx
  Sam Shepard
  Joe Morton
  Richard Roxburgh

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