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Overall Rating

Awesome: 12.86%
Worth A Look: 17.14%
Pretty Bad: 8.57%
Total Crap: 7.14%

3 reviews, 52 user ratings

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Man in the Iron Mask, The
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by rotten f. milk

"The only thing worse is a DiCaprio with full frontal nudity."
3 stars

I don't like it when one thing fucks up a would-be good movie. I just hate it.

Right out, I'll give kudos to whomever wrote the script. It is, in my opinion a script.

But... (and believe me, there's ALWAYS a but). The big money hungry executives have to cast someone like Leonardo DiCaprio to bring in hundreds of thousands of them teens. Teens like my 11 year old sister, who adores that skinny prick and has posters all over her bedroom.

He, at least for me, ruined the movie. Alright, I'll come out. I'll unleash the demon within. HE FUCKING SUCKED. SHOOT 'IM 'TWEEN THE EYES AND DUMP 'IM IN THE SEA. He said his lines like a robot. Granted that my drama teacher said many times, "you should annunciate and pronunciate every syllable you say." Well, Jesus Christ, if that's the case the Leonardo DiCaprio is the BIGGEST fucking teachers pet in the world. Often, he OVER-pronounced his lines. This, combined with the "robot factor" usually equals... A SHITTY PERFORMANCE. A performance SO shitty that it almost made my walk out.

And hell, DiCaprio had a double role. HE PLAYED TWO CHARACTERS!!! IS THIS HELL?!? Shoot me, please.

Hell, the only thing that kept me in the theatre was Gerard Depardieu. I waited out the whole movie for his one line: "I LOVE LIFE!" God bless Gerard Depardieu. He's alright.

And the other actors, Jeremy Irons, John Malkovich and Gabriel Byrne, give respectable performances. But hell, that's a given. I mean these guys are like, hard core actors. They're good in whatever you put them in. Hell, if that fucking Barney movie had these guys in it, I'd be inclined to say not say, "IT FUCKING SUCKED". Though I'd still say something to the effect of, "But Barney should still be killed slowly and painfully. He should probably be chained and manacled and forced to watch Leo DiCaprio porns till he dies."

So let's see. DiCaprio should be shot. Depardieu should have the honour of shooting him. Everyone else was decent. They can watch the shooting.

link directly to this review at
originally posted: 08/15/98 14:15:13
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User Comments

8/03/15 MJC Strong on interpreting what honour requires of men and women. 4 stars
9/12/13 sisie damn hair extensions distracted me...blah acting...ho hum movie 2 stars
5/06/12 Dr.Lao There are much better film versions of this story 3 stars
4/10/09 Dane Youssef Not a bad film. Not a good one. Totally unremarkable, despite cast, set and costume. 3 stars
11/12/08 Amanda Jeremy Irons, Gabriel Byrne and John Malkovich. Who needs Leo? 5 stars
9/08/08 Lucy Well, we know that when it comes to Leonardo DiCiaprio, you suck at fortune telling. 3 stars
3/02/08 Pamela White second rate remake 3 stars
1/10/07 johnnyfog Ha ha!! You tried to ruin it DiCaprio, but you couldn't! Not this time!! 5 stars
12/16/06 Michele I love all of the musketeers 5 stars
9/07/06 Albert he had that mask on for how long? still no pimples,no dirt,no facial hair,no way........... 1 stars
5/07/06 chienne Sumptuous sets & costumes; fab older actors; LDiC?? Who? 3 stars
2/18/05 steve newman I still cant make my mindup - i would not watch it again thats for sure 2 stars
2/05/05 Alice Colwell good movie 4 stars
12/09/04 Kristina Williams zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz 1 stars
8/13/04 marvin ok 5 stars
2/29/04 bob a boooey ok 4 stars
11/29/03 john pretty good script even if it borders on a soap opera at times - some nice location work 4 stars
7/09/03 natasha_theobald actors seem to be having a glorious time, but the audience doesn't always get to join them 3 stars
2/27/03 Francy an average adventure movie but for the writers: take a look at history! 3 stars
2/24/03 Mary D One of the best 4 stars
1/11/03 Linda Kociancic wondrful i didnt care much about the movie just the way gabriel & jeremy looked !:-0 5 stars
10/24/02 Charles Tatum Pretty to watch, and the movie is nice looking too 4 stars
7/12/02 KMG SAD: You have 4 talented, proven men jumping on the wagon to support the Leo craze 3 stars
6/19/02 Charles R.L. Power Somebody someday should try Dumas's version 2 stars
4/10/02 The Grinch A good old-fashioned adventure. Fun and funny. Worth seeing again. 5 stars
3/24/02 Butterbean See The Count of Monte Cristo for a better movie based on a Dumas novel 3 stars
10/31/01 Andrew Carden Pretty Bad, Unimaginative Movie With Fair Acting. 2 stars
10/03/01 Anna Eschen The best film i´ve ever seen!!!!!! Gabriel Byrne was the best!!!He is fantastically 4 stars
9/22/01 Allison Torok i loved it it was kewl 5 stars
6/15/01 Bada Bing Crosby Good costume drama helped by Leo's star power & Bryne's presence 4 stars
5/08/01 Gracy Lionheart This movie just didn't capture the book fully. An average movie worth watching once. 3 stars
2/13/01 Richard Wright Anyone who likes this wouldn't know a good historical drama if it smacked them in the face. 2 stars
1/24/01 dave Underhill no where near as good as the richard chamberlin version! the original story is the only + 3 stars
11/12/00 Ground Zero okay, woulda been better if they took out DiCaprio :P 3 stars
7/25/00 Terrie Smith Not a bad time-waster; Gabriel Byrne has the best role. Irons, Malkovich & Depardieu wasted 3 stars
5/13/00 Daria Although quite decent, this movie never feels to be more than a celebrity dress-up party 3 stars
4/14/00 yankee decent, Dicaprio plays a good ass, Malkovich is excellent, 3 stars
3/09/00 David Rogers Way better than Titanic, but that bisexual DiCaprio was in it. 3 stars
1/27/00 spunky Look out teeny boppers! Your Leo star's in this film TWICE! 3 stars
1/27/00 PervertedPixie Fun, fopish Frolics! Nice job for a remake. 4 stars
10/30/99 Bozo go fuck your mother, all you leo haters 5 stars
9/06/99 Weird Andy No Dumas adaptation should ever be so flaccid. 1 stars
4/28/99 Count de Money What a RIP OFF. Old version is much better! Should've put the mask on both DiCrapios! 1 stars
2/19/99 Piz nice swashbuckler that got a bad rap cause of Leonardo-bashers. 4 stars
11/26/98 Mr.Pink That was no man!!! That was a girl!!! The title is wrong!! 3 stars
10/17/98 Sailor Moon Ate My Balls Malkovich couldn't get any worse 3 stars
10/15/98 MR HOLLYWOOD !! the directing got sloppy,story got tiresome and LEO is a shit actor !!! 3 stars
10/01/98 katherine i like this story, but at times it got sorta dumb. 4 stars
8/24/98 JenniferLorraine "Screw you guys... I'm going home" I liked it, and not for looks. Was a good story. 4 stars
8/23/98 Mister Whoopee Double Leo is twice as much as I can take. 2 stars
8/15/98 {{{OZ}}} The greatest cast, but such a fuck up self indulgence it pains me. 1 stars
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  13-Mar-1998 (PG-13)
  DVD: 06-Mar-2001



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