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Overall Rating

Awesome: 1.01%
Worth A Look41.41%
Average: 33.33%
Pretty Bad: 10.1%
Total Crap: 14.14%

9 reviews, 45 user ratings

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Transporter 2
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by Erik Childress

"As Long As Red Eye But Ten Times As Dumb"
2 stars

Ever get the feeling you’re living in your own little world and everyone else around you is nuts? Everywhere I go I seem to run-in to people who absolutely love The Transporter. And only those people. Not the people who would agree when I said that “no one in good conscience could recommend” the 2002 film or at least “no one with a conscience could tell you that it was good.” But there they are, surrounding me like zombies yelling “one of us, one of us.” So I watched it again in preparation for one of the most needless sequels ever pitched and found myself of the same, sound mind. The follow-up is like hooking your brain up to a power line; an occasional jolt of electricity in-between the moments where the filmmakers express no shame in zapping your disbelief suspension to levels that even the Acme Corporation would admit to being dangerously stupid.

Frank Martin (Jason Statham) is back, now living in Miami where he should be able to make a killing since at least one law office (the U.S. Marshals) is either taking French cooking lessons, watching police chases on TV or on vacation. But the transporting business is slow, so he takes a temp job chauffeuring the son (Hunter Clary) of a politician (Matthew Modine!) to-and-from school. Mrs. Politician (Amber Valletta) and the Mr. have 24-7 marital problems and she takes a shine to Frank in a moment of drunken ecstasy (“I feel so lost, so confused”) which Frank turns down as one of his unspoken rules. Oh yeah, he’s got a whole new set of rules, which change depending on who he’s dictating them to. But we’ve only got 79 minutes of screen time to work with, so let’s get to that whole action plot.

A nutty Italian (Alessandro Gassman) has plotted to kidnap the boy and inject him with a deadly virus so he can breathe on dad who will then breathe on the politicians at a big conference. (So potent is the virus that the baddies all hang around infected victims without any protective suits in hopes that the only two viles of antidote will save them.) Actually the kidnapping wasn’t part of it, but Frank foils the pathetically staged massacre at the doctor’s office so Plan B calls for drastic measures. Nutty Italian (aka My Hair Is Perfect And I Shall Check It So Every Other Scene) has assembled a crack team including a dim bulb Russian (Jason Flemyng), a crazy Rastafarian and one of those boyish Pink-lookin’ Victoria’s Secret models (Katie Nauta) who packs a pair of guns which surely weigh more than she does even with the loose-fitting undergarments she wears as her signature. (The biggest laugh in the film comes when she is asked to “get dressed.”) If you ever wondered what the offspring of Brigitte Nielsen and Jacko (“OY!”) looked like, here you go.

None of us should care that they’ve basically stolen the plot from Mission: Impossible 2 (or an old episode of Monsters where a virus spread with a little boy until a whole town turned into werewolves) or lifted The Servant’s “Cells” (the trailer theme for Sin City) for a "Layla"/GoodFellas-like sequence where one person after another falls victim to the virus. (I would have chosen “Breathe” by Anna Nalick, but that’s me.) WE WANT ACTION! But just like the first film, its filled with several great ideas for action sequences and individual moments within them but their enjoyment is severed with two many hyper cuts and a reality stretched just too far even for die-hard fans of Commando.

There are a pair of decent fights within a boat and a garage where Frank makes creative use of coconuts and a fire hose. The one extended car chase in the film is standard-issue and far from extraordinary. How about just one shot of the kid in the backseat terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought? Do we need another jet ski-chasing-a-car scene where it’s imperative to have a strategically placed ramp? I’m not saying I can’t buy it, I’m just saying I’ve bought it too often and I’m bored with it. I will buy Frank as a larger-than-life skilled-to-the-gill action hero, but let’s not turn him into one of the Agents from The Matrix, for God’s sake. Jump-Kick-Parry-Dodge-Fire! Fine. Dodging bullets. No. Going mano-a-mano in a private jet with two pilots dead, spiraling out-of-control towards the ocean and then crashing nose-first into said ocean without any effect on Frank other than his concern for the rising water? Bullshit!

I will not apologize for loving over-the-top action films and I refuse to apologize for thinking that The Transporter films are pure garbage; ones that don’t quite reach the bottom of the chute since the XXX flicks will cushion their fall. Director Louis Leterrier already made Jet Li boring this year in Unleashed and it’s rare that a single helmer can double up on their own crapitude in just one year. It’s not his fault that he was painted into a PG-13 corner, but for all its face-smashin’, gun-pluggin’, nut-crunchin’ intensity on the soundtrack, this is a film that needs to be rated “R” to have any hopes of succeeding. Nothing can help all that wraparound story nonsense, but let’s at least have some quality carnage to balance out the melting intelligence. I’ll be willing to compromise and let the Transporter fans have their original; the $25 million grosser someone deemed worthy of greenlighting a sequel to. Enjoy it. But don’t look me in the eyes and tell me that this is what good action films are made of. I’ve got better things to do like go watch Commando.

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originally posted: 09/02/05 14:01:16
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User Comments

9/14/17 morris campbell more of the same good action though 4 stars
9/25/13 David Hollingsworth Nothing new, but great stunts though 3 stars
10/24/09 Arnold100 Many thanks to the lovely Cara-Lee Ruditzky for writing the piece. , 3 stars
10/23/09 Barbara47 Yeah, it had some really good lines. , 3 stars
9/16/09 eFSumDgmdnvOgpheA doors.txt;10;15 5 stars
1/08/09 Shaun Wallner Intense Action! 4 stars
6/19/08 Ashwin good movie, worth the time and ation 4 stars
7/30/07 mr.mike great for non-stop action fans 4 stars
5/16/07 Stanley Thai Fell below my expectations because of too many action scenes. 3 stars
4/10/07 John The Speed Channel's ultimate Soggy Biscuit 2 stars
3/29/07 David I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode 1 stars
12/13/06 Sugarfoot Dumb, Dumb, Dumb, Dumb,Dumb, Dumb (Played to Scrub's Wrong christmas jingle) 1 stars
9/26/06 Anthony Feor Lack of storyline helps the movie lose points 3 stars
8/27/06 Russell Whats wrong with you people that like the sequel over the original? 1 stars
4/13/06 MV PR Ludicrous juvenile crap w/ no plot or characters to care about 1 stars
3/16/06 Indrid Cold Not as good as the first, but still a decent actioner. 3 stars
2/03/06 tony A good sequel 4 stars
1/13/06 Bad Critic Not even close to the first one, and the plot and characters suck. Good fights, though. 2 stars
1/12/06 tatum Fun, mindless actioner- Part Deux 4 stars
1/11/06 Tamara D.Leonard Loved it...great movie. "I'm the cook" LOL 4 stars
1/09/06 lumpy SSH thinks pooping is "fun." 1 stars
12/14/05 Jon T,Smith Transporter is a great Movie ,What can he do in this one .That would get me to Buy it. 4 stars
12/06/05 Silph action lovers might enjoy it; it'll likely bore everyone else 2 stars
10/25/05 SSH This reviewer obvious hates the very concept of "fun". 4 stars
10/18/05 malcolm not nearly enough car action for a movie about a hired driver, pretty good fights though 2 stars
10/10/05 Agent Sands WHAT THE FUCK?! The 1st one had a half-assed ending, this is a no-assed movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
10/04/05 Elizabeth S Preposterous, but fun! Statham is great! 3 stars
9/29/05 Nhi needs alot of improvement. stunts better though. 3 stars
9/29/05 JOrdan ummm... i love poo on toast wat about u? 1 stars
9/26/05 Mido Statham is so good but the action is not realistic 4 stars
9/25/05 Aaron Smith Statham is excellent, but action is unrealistic, and Kate Nauta is just skanky. 3 stars
9/22/05 Fritz A little better by the first one just for the laughable action. 3 stars
9/17/05 Jonathon Holmes Jason Statham gives Clive Owen a run for his money to replace Brosman for the next Bond 4 stars
9/15/05 John betyter than No 1/ John Statham is very good 4 stars
9/07/05 bentable somewhat enjoyable to watch 4 stars
9/07/05 Jiz Kicked ass, real fun action movie, but the final fights were just WAY, WAY too ridiculous. 4 stars
9/06/05 jcjs i had fun, no brainer excitement, funny etc. 4 stars
9/06/05 brian short and sh*t 1 stars
9/05/05 Justin Enjoyable, yet a cheesefest 4 stars
9/05/05 KingNeutron Nauta is just a Milla Jovovich wannabe, but the movie was worth matinee. 3 stars
9/04/05 Jewel i enjoyed it! 4 stars
9/02/05 Ray Nothig new 3 stars
9/02/05 Blutarsky Cheapo EFX bring it down, way down. 3 stars
9/02/05 Debbie Watch it and forget it! 3 stars
8/29/05 Eddie OK 3 stars
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  02-Sep-2005 (PG-13)
  DVD: 10-Jan-2006



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