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Overall Rating

Awesome: 4.65%
Worth A Look: 11.63%
Average: 18.6%
Pretty Bad: 16.28%
Total Crap48.84%

5 reviews, 13 user ratings

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Into the Blue
[] Buy posters from this movie
by Erik Childress

"Calling All Sharks! Calling All Sharks!"
1 stars

Do you ever wonder how exclusive the club of pretty people actually is? We all know from schooling that the hot girls all hang together and the jocks could get laid just through osmosis. But do they stand up and support one another? If one of them were to embarrass the others off the reservation, would they be disowned? Those outside of the club like gawking at the pretty people, hoping for a piece of the pie with envious eyes or acknowledging their uselessness through a series of witty quips and put downs. It would be nice to think that when the young Albert Brooks of Broadcast News tried to scar his tormentors with the fact that they wouldn’t “make more than $19,000 a year”, it would be a blanket prophecy who had nothing to offer the world but their looks and imagined superiority. Alas, it’s not the case. Because in Hollywood people like Paul Walker and Jessica Alba can be paid millions of dollars to swim around with the other pretty people in a film so boring, overextended and endlessly moronic that my high school called to downgrade my GPA for having sat through it.

Walker & Alba play the sweetest of sweethearts, Jared & Sam. He takes tourists out on scuba excursions and she works at the Jaws 3-D sea world where enclosed lazy rivers can give people an up close view of the apparently misunderstood shark species. But more on that later. He lives in the shadow of Bates the “treasure finder” (Josh Brolin), an all-too-friendly bloke which by the law of screenwriting suggests all is not as it seems. But more on that later. Walker’s best bud, Bryce (Scott Caan) arrives in town with Amanda (Ashley Scott, aka the actress who got fired from JOEY!), the conquest he just met 14 hours ago and through his lawyerly connections secures a big boat for fun in the sun with his pretty people entourage. Bryce’s job description is iffy at best and I was informed some 15 hours after seeing the film that he may actually have been Walker’s brother in the film. I just assumed they were the same two idiots from Varsity Blues and this is where their future took them. I’d say more on that later, but there’s really not much more to say and I’m doing my best to skip ahead as much as possible so you won’t have to suffer as I did.

The foursome not only find artifacts which may lead them an legendary ship named the Zephyr (which I was praying someone would have asked one of them for a definition of the word) but also a cargo plane full of dead bodies and a stash of cocaine that would serve Tony Montana for about a weekend. This should lead to a lot of moral wrangling, but who needs morals when you’ve got nice tits. They do discuss their options and the prevailing one comes down to selling a bit of the powder to pay for their search for the lost ship. That may seem like a dangerously extreme gander, but consider how important this Zephyr is since it takes them to the effect of six hours or more to actually recall the tale documented in their trusty book, Caribbean Pirate Legends. Whether or not it was a pop-up book, I could not verify.

Trouble is on the horizon for the fantastic four, but first THE SWIMMING! Oh boy, is there swimming. Up and down and over and out. Bikinis galore to the literal extent that PG-13s will allow, under the water and ooooh, watch that Alba strike a pose on the boat with her hand on her hip. Think she knows what she earns that paycheck for? And this is what you’re paying for folks. Strap in because you’re be staring blankly for about an hour before any promise of action or suspense kicks in. Scenes of siphoning bits of air are directed with zero skill and are impossible to buy into since Walker seems more like Aquaman with all the time he spends without oxygen. I guess that’s where having a backup supply in their heads come in handy for Walker and Alba.

There are bad guys with accents who want their coke back and if we’ve met them in the movie, chances are they are somehow involved. That includes the big surprise villain which commercials have already spoiled for those too distracted by Alba’s quarter-bouncing posterior. If its too much to hope that this is a follow-up to Varsity Blues (with “blue” in the title and all), then maybe this is MattTorqueJohnson’s idea of a sequel to The Goonies. Having saved the Boondocks with One-Eyed Willy’s treasure, Brand grew up to become a drug-runnin’ “treasure finder”, who despite having a boat the size of a Star Destroyer can’t seem to locate the cargo it takes Paul Walker & Co. blind chance to find.

Into the Blue becomes a surprisingly bloody affair in the final minutes; a great deal of damage done by the benevolent sharks whom geniuses Walker & Alba sell to the audience as non-threatening over and over except for those pesky Tiger Sharks which the film never bothers to differentiate from the other jaws still digesting the cast of Open Water. They sure know a coke whore or a coke runner when they smell one though. Maybe we can sprinkle some on all the available prints of the film and they could have a smorgasbord.

Denigrating Paul Walker as not being believable as an explorer with vast knowledge of the ocean and heavy equipment is rather pointless since anything beyond clerking at a Cinnabon would require a stretch. Walker is to acting what, well, Jessica Alba is to acting; vapid, frozen-in-time presences that are insults to the letters which spell out vapid. Of course, making us believe that any of these four would know the definition of "Sic Semper Tyrannis" through education and not an episode of Seinfeld is more than director John Stockwell has in the tank

Into the Blue counterbalances the accepted notion that the ocean is full of life with its comatose presentation of all things moving. “The ocean is your soccer field,” one character is densely told and in keeping with the rules, Walker & Caan manage to touch each other in every place but their balls which seems counterproductive with the ass they surround themselves with. Just to remind you what you paid $10 to sit through, the end credits features B-roll footage of the early underwater escapades of Walker & Alba. That means more shirtless Walker and more barely-butt-clad Alba frolicking around like characters in the world’s most expensive oceanic IMAX production. Just before though, the film concludes with perhaps the silliest bit of post script since President Bush finally showed up to the Katrina aftermath. We’re told in huge font that over six billion dollars in treasure still awaits to be found on the ocean floor. My hope is that after seeing this movie, a large group tests Darwinian theory and makes a run at it. Maybe they can even play with the sharks while they’re down there.

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originally posted: 09/30/05 14:50:42
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User Comments

4/21/07 krrish alba is hot in bikni 3 stars
4/12/07 Brett I find this to be an Awsome movie,can't understand the extreme different views 5 stars
3/06/07 David Pollastrini Jessica Alba is hot! 2 stars
1/28/07 Jeff Anderson Well directed by Stockwell & surprisingly good. Shane Hurlbut's cinematography is AWESOME!! 4 stars
4/02/06 l I want this critic's job. He has no talent to judge anything 4 stars
12/30/05 othree Alot of Hype, just short of everything, what cable chans are made for 3 stars
11/18/05 The Velcro Warlock Some suspense augments views of Jessica Alba's near-bare ka-ka kissers. 4 stars
11/08/05 M.T. does anybody knows the song (when they where in the club-it was a hip hop song)?artist... 4 stars
11/03/05 emma Paul walker is amazing in it go and see it 5 stars
10/05/05 Jessie I wasted hours of my life watching this movie. 1 stars
10/02/05 Randy I thought it was a good moral story 4 stars
9/30/05 Jakub Yeah, yeah, yeah...but do we see Jessica Alba's tits???? 1 stars
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  30-Sep-2005 (PG-13)
  DVD: 26-Dec-2005



Directed by
  John Stockwell

Written by
  Matt Johnson

  Paul Walker
  Jessica Alba
  Josh Brolin
  Dwayne Adway
  Scott Caan
  Ramon Saunders

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