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Overall Rating

Awesome: 3.7%
Worth A Look: 7.41%
Average: 14.07%
Pretty Bad: 35.56%
Total Crap39.26%

11 reviews, 69 user ratings

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by U.J. Lessing

"Still waiting for the film version of Duke Nuke’em…"
2 stars

‘It’s a bloodbath in hell! From outside the base you hear the carnage: guns firing, men screaming, bones cracking… then silence. Suddenly you’re the last surviving marine thrust into a bloody, gore-ridden underworld 50 million miles into the future...’ These are the words printed on the back of the box for the ‘Doom’ videogame. Sounds fun, silly and ridiculous, doesn’t it? What amuses me is that the person who green-lighted the ill-fated film version of this inane game thought, “We should take its concepts really seriously.”

Doom, like the videogame, does contain carnage, guns firing, men screaming, and bones cracking, but it primarily contains meaty men running around hallways carrying enormous guns. The film takes place on Mars (the Universal logo wrapped around the lifeless Mars instead of a blue Earth is one of the film’s only clever moments) where a research and archeological facility is overrun by demonic looking monsters. The station calls up a superhuman marine sergeant creatively nicknamed ‘Sarge.’ (T. Rock, Esq.) Sarge and his ragtag group of soldiers beam over to Mars and attempt to contain and destroy the hellish beasties.

The Rock usually offers memorable and fun-filled performances that transcend the quality of the film. He stole the show from John Travolta in Be Cool and transformed The Rundown into a film that was not only bearable, but downright enjoyable. Unfortunately, in Doom, he has been forced back into his wrestling persona. With bug- eyed glares and humorless delivery, the Rock is required to recite clichéd lines like, “If it breathes, kill it!” and, “We’re going in hot.”

Joining Sarge is his right-hand man, Reaper (Karl Urban) who suffers from post-traumatic shock syndrome, because his parents died in an accident on Mars when he was a lad. Reaper spends his time looking out windows and hearing audio flashbacks of their deaths. On Mars, he’s reunited with his wide-eyed sister, Samantha (Rosamund Pike), who adores spewing scientific babblings about chromosomes and fossils.

Apparently, in the future, psychiatry hasn’t advanced that far, because most of the other thickset soldiers carry some type of crippling social disease. That’s a lot of weight considering they’re also carrying gargantuan weapons and standard-issue stupid nicknames.

The Kid (Al Weaver), a wet-behind-the-ears rookie, is prone to drug abuse and vomiting. Portman (Richard Brake) is the sleazy sex-fiend who peddles drugs and has the audacity to use the bathroom in the middle of the mission (Remarkably, everyone else manages to hold it), and Goat (Ben Daniels) is an obsessive-compulsive holier-than-though type who cuts himself when he takes the lord’s name in vain. Only Duke (Razaaq Adoti) manages to show any type of social adeptness: consequently, he’s quite handy with the ladies.

There are two other marines in the squad (Mac and Destroyer), but they have few lines and serve primarily as space monster chow.

These uninventive, stereotypical marines could have been bearable if director Andrzej Bartkowiak and writers Dave Callaham and Wesley Strick had given them something fun to do. Instead of filling Doom with exciting non-stop action like The Cave, the filmmakers decided to try to mine suspense and fear where there was none to be found. (Are there any readers out there who have nightmares about being trapped on Mars with the devil? If so, email me below.) The result: about 15 minutes of action, violence and thrills diluted in about an hour of watching large men holding absurdly large weapons roam small, pipe-filled corridors.

There’s one moment that transcends the film. Towards the end, the film pays homage to the game by placing the viewer behind the eyes of the surviving hero as he faces the final onslaught of creatures. The camera weaves, dips and bobs as one creature after another assaults the lone marine. Wisely, the scene is cut short to about 5 minutes (I was just starting to reach for my Dramamine), but it’s expeditious, intense and thrilling.

This one exciting moment in the slow, stagnant clunker that is Doom left me wishing there where more scenes where weightiness and gravity were sacrificed for the sake of amusement. No such luck. Doom is not campy, exciting or particularly scary. It’s something the game never was: boring.

No extra lives or med kits can save this one.

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originally posted: 10/22/05 03:20:21
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User Comments

7/13/09 User Goat was funny, I recognised him as the criminal who killed Bruce's parents in batman Begin 4 stars
2/04/09 WiseGuy Josh Standlee "Better than sex " - Obviously you had terrible sex 1 stars
6/29/08 George Wow!!! This film completely redefines the word "awful". The FPS section was good, but short 1 stars
6/03/08 badgersbum Good suspense when it finally got going but not a good film. FPS too short! 2 stars
12/15/07 Damian Eades No-one who played Doom 12 years ago will like it 1 stars
9/14/07 matt i enjoyed it. 4 stars
7/28/07 Wee Todd Didd Pretty poor movie, great game though. 2 stars
7/08/07 Tom Servo Plot was more of a Resident Evil flavor than Doom-verdict= D- 2 stars
7/08/07 al smith pretty good but not enough gore 4 stars
5/05/07 Reesefire Black A shameless ripoff of "Aliens",yes, but still a bloody good time. FPS sequence was cool. 4 stars
3/05/07 --- Actually left the theatre and got a refund. For video game dorks only. 1 stars
12/05/06 Stanley Thai It's a really bad film with some action and bad lightings that you can't see anything. 2 stars
10/31/06 ES about what you'd expect 1 stars
8/22/06 JM Synth Weinberg on the money. FPS sequence was fun but I could have just played the game for that 2 stars
7/31/06 Notch Johnson I love horror movies...but the filming was SOOOO bad...couldn't see a thing 1 stars
6/05/06 Josh Standlee Better than sex!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
4/10/06 Ron Newbold Play the game - 2 stars
4/07/06 Aldo REALLY REALLY BAD... 1 stars
4/01/06 Michele not really good but fun for the game lovers 3 stars
3/30/06 M. Dido Sure it's dumb - but it's great fun! 3 stars
3/29/06 Indrid Cold Perhaps Silent Hill will be the 1st good video game movie, but I'm not holding my breath. 2 stars
3/28/06 Danny Johanson Yeah, the Movie was crap, but it was amusing as all hell. 4 stars
3/28/06 Brian Meyer Was Street Fighter the worst VG movie? Not anymore. KILL THE ROCK!!!! 1 stars
3/26/06 y2mckay Like A vs P, first hour sucks ass, last 20 minutes kick ass. A popcorn movie, nothing more. 3 stars
2/20/06 ducka now can they make a REAL doom movie? 3 stars
2/20/06 chris f not a bad movie worth watching 4 stars
2/12/06 Anus wonderful work of CRAP!!! 1 stars
2/11/06 movie_buff A failed attempt to the first (great) Predator movie. I fell asleep! 2 stars
2/11/06 the laughing man good, but not entirely great 3 stars
2/11/06 Rocky I can't believe they managed to fvck up a slam-dunk like DOOM! Worse than even The Cave 1 stars
1/02/06 Wiseman Im a hardcore doom fan, This one sucked it let me down, I had to cry 1 stars
12/22/05 MUCH sound & fury signifying Total Crap / Sucks Wish Samantha had farted to take away Eric's 2nd star; no stars for me either way. 1 stars
12/18/05 Doomguy Definitely a film for Doom fans; not necessarily for the whole media masses. 5 stars
12/18/05 Goatse People who find this film "intriguing" probably say the same about worms in their stools 1 stars
12/16/05 YJS standard crap at beginning, but gets intriguing as the film goes on 4 stars
12/16/05 Cunt World's Biggest Turd 1 stars
11/27/05 chris shite film man who made it needs to die 1 stars
11/20/05 Duck MST 3000 quality! Tons o fun 5 stars
11/11/05 Dan Smith Great Special Effects, and ot a let down as a video game fan. 4 stars
11/11/05 gescom waste of time and money [even in hollymood] 1 stars
11/10/05 CHRIS EXCELLENT FOR what it is - popcorn action movie 5 stars
11/09/05 Alice This is the worst movie of the year! And I have seen a lot! 1 stars
11/04/05 Anus LAAAADIIIIEEEESSS WE'RE IN LOCKDOWN....Fuck you, just for that you're getting an 'F' 1 stars
10/31/05 Jonathon Holmes Sinks to the idiot shallows of Stealth and Fantastic Four, horrible 1 stars
10/31/05 Wisamane Im a die hard gamer And i think this movie was a pieace of crap, the game was better 1 stars
10/29/05 CONSTANTINE DOOMED... More like "Resident Evil" in outer-space!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2 stars
10/28/05 Lennart Mol If you know DOOM, then you KNOW this is NOT DOOM. 1 stars
10/27/05 Michael Kondo you'll like it if you like doom, hate it if you dont 2 stars
10/27/05 deadwiz something to do for 2 hours. 3 stars
10/26/05 Nick_Voro Met the expectations of being terrible. But it wasn't not to the level of Fantastic Four. 2 stars
10/25/05 chris fox (the god) garbage 1 stars
10/25/05 bentable wtf 1 stars
10/24/05 othree WASTED EVERYTHING, rent it to hear the Rock saying motherfucker. Gamers will be highly diss 1 stars
10/24/05 KingNeutron I thought it was OK, and I haven't even played Doom. 3 stars
10/24/05 Monster W. Kung Lowtax, I hope you mean Doom3, not I and II. If you think those sucked, you should be shot. 2 stars
10/23/05 Wisamane THE MOVIE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HELL!!! Stupid catch phrases, Cheesey Music. 1 stars
10/23/05 baseball-nut Should've stayed in the wrestling ring, The Rock sucks as an actor! 1 stars
10/22/05 Wisamane that Fps crap was annoying, IF I WANNA SEE SOMTHING IN FPS ILL PLAY THE GAME!!! 1 stars
10/22/05 Anthony G GARBAGE 1 stars
10/22/05 Jhon grifiths From what i have read some people thought it was crap, well PLAY THE DAMB GAME MORON 5 stars
10/22/05 The Talking Elbow I sincerely enjoyed this film. I think sometimes you critics are too snooty. It wasn't bad. 4 stars
10/22/05 Kristina Williams thank GOD I didnt pay to watch this. 1 stars
10/22/05 whatevr The title of the movie explains the future of all video-game based movies 1 stars
10/19/05 Wisamane LMAO what can i say I knew this movie was going to suck ass...pussy ass hollywood 1 stars
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  21-Oct-2005 (R)
  DVD: 07-Feb-2006



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