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Overall Rating
1.32

Awesome: 2.35%
Worth A Look: 4.71%
Average: 2.35%
Pretty Bad: 3.53%
Total Crap87.06%

8 reviews, 37 user ratings


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Bloodrayne
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by Scott Weinberg

"I don't see how it's possible, but I think Boll is actually getting WORSE."
1 stars

Having already survived four of director Uwe Boll's previous films, I walked into "BloodRayne" knowing what to expect: laughable dialogue, harrowingly inept editing, bland & lifeless direction, actors who feel no need to hide their embarrassment, etc. What I didn't expect from "BloodRayne" was that it would be so mercilessly, endlessly, painfully BORING. The modern king of atrocious filmmaking has struck again, and let's just say it's not a pretty sight.

Bankrolled with what Mr. Boll jokingly (?) refers to as "nazi money," BloodRayne is every bit as awful as you'd expect from the director of Blackwoods, House of the Dead, and Alone in the Dark. Packed with chintzy sets, cardboard weapons, tacky costumes, hilarious accents, and more chop-shop editing than you can shake a stake at, BloodRayne is just another nail in Boll's professional coffin ... or another feather in his filmmaking cap, depending on where your tastes lie.

The stunningly hot Kristanna Loken stars as "Rain," a medieval-era half-human/half-vampire who spends her medieval times being tortured, jeered, and harrassed at a sweaty little renaissance fair. After getting a taste of some human blood, Rainy gets all violent, escapes from her captors, meets up with three vampire-slayin' morons, and sets off to kill "Kagan," who is both the head vampire and her daddy.

With the synopsis out of the way ... I frankly don't even know where to begin. Let's start with the participation of screenwriter Guinevere Turner, a fantastic writer (American Psycho, The Notorious Bettie Page) who simply has no business working in Boll's side of the cinematic universe. I find it literally impossible to believe that Ms. Turner would pen whiskered lines of dialogue like "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" or the nine dozen other pieces of laughable blather, so I'll just assume she wrote some kind of story treatment (which Uwe promptly mangled into his own design) and received sole screenplay credit because, I dunno, he thought her name would bring a little class to the affair. All I can say is I hope Ms. Turner was well-paid for her efforts, because now she'll be forever known as "the woman who wrote BloodRayne."

Mr. Boll, who, yes I know, is actually a doctor, has no such qualms about having his name dragged through the dirt. This is a filmmaker, and I use that noun lightly, who seems to revel in the ineptitude of his movies, as if it's a badge of honor to be dismissed as "the world's worst working director, period." Flip to any random sequence of BloodRayne and you'll see a film professor's most vibrant nightmare:

--Acting performances that seem absent and distracted at best; unintentionally hilarious at worst. (As one of the vampire slayers, Michael Madsen is so plainly contemptuous of the project that he delivers his babble in an ellipses-laden staccato. "But what ... about ... the head ... vampire?") From Ms. Loken's blank (but beautiful) visage to the perpetually confused eyebrows of Mr. Madsen, and including all the set-chomping cameos from the likes of Billy Zane, Udo Kier, and Ben Kingsley... I mean, this is a movie that not only expects Michelle Rodriguez to speak in an Olde Englishe accente, but also for the viewer to refrain from laughing its collective head off while it flops out of the speakers. Frankly I don't see how any working actor could look at a Uwe Boll production and not see the words "kiss of death" glowing over their career in bright green neon.

--Costumes, props, and sets that look like they fell off the back of a truck, and I mean a truck that was somehow hovering 1,000 feet in the air. The swords look like foil-wrapped cardboard, the wardrobe looks like a clearance sale at the Halloween Adventure shop, and the flimsy sets look they were recycled from something like The Beastmaster.

--An unrelentingly tone-deaf musical score that has perhaps eleven notes, four melodies, and three instruments. In a better film, this score would be called bland & intrusive. In BloodRayne, it seems to fit just perfectly.

--A narrative that seems enjoyably simple on paper, but in the hands of this crap-master, turns out to be more convoluted than M.C. Escher's worst pepperoni-induced nightmare. You'd think that "good guys want to kill head vampire" would be a relatively easy tale to tell, so explain to me why I found the flick harder to follow that Mulholland Dr. on multiple clicks of the FF button.

--Editorial choices that make Moulin Rouge look like the opening sequence from Touch of Evil. OK, we all know that folks like Michelle Rodriguez, Michael Madsen, and Ben Kingsley are not going to learn any actual swordplay for a paycheck this chintzy, but even a half-blind nine-year-old could tell you how inept the editing in this flick is. The action scenes never/stop/cutting/to/alternate/shots; even in the most basic action scenes (including one where Raingirl simply swings her swords around) there are about 32 cuts too many. Woody Allen has directed better action scenes than those found in BloodRayne.

Meh, I give up. If the combined groans of every movie critic and movie watcher in the known universe are not enough to stop the Boll Machine from churning out its product, I see no need to bang my head against the wall any longer. Apparently the guy is here to stay and in no real hurry to become a quality filmmaker. Aside from the lovely face & form of leading lady Kristanna Loken, there's absolutely nothing in BloodRayne that's worthy of a 4-dollar rental, let alone a 9-dollar movie ticket.

Take the "Blade" series, toss it back in time about 500 years, give the hero a sex-change, and then remove every discernible ounce of professional filmmaking, and you've got a movie that's a whole lot better, but very similar, to "BloodRayne." Those who simply adore bad movies might have a good time while pointing and laughing at this gothic parade of poop, but if we don't stop giving this Boll dude our money, he'll never stop making movies. And life's just too short for this to go on, people.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=13315&reviewer=128
originally posted: 01/07/06 09:59:59
[printer] printer-friendly format  
OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2005 Austin Film Festival For more in the 2005 Austin Film Festival series, click here.

User Comments

4/24/17 David H. Complete malarkey and doggy poop. 1 stars
5/03/11 austin dreadful 1 stars
9/03/08 Shaun Wallner Awesome storyline! 5 stars
5/11/08 Tabitha Rabisa I liked the plot and the actors they chose to play the roles 4 stars
4/13/08 MJ Kristanna Loken is the only good thing about this film! 1 stars
8/22/07 AntiGaneshKumar Toast to the idiots who gave this movie 4+ stars. You've joined the 0.01% moviegoers... 1 stars
3/04/07 gal. i laughed..at all the terrible things about this movie which just happens to be everything 1 stars
10/30/06 wesley sniper Dear Cody, You are mentally retarded. Love, everyone 1 stars
10/18/06 AJ Muller words fail me. uwe boll makes people wish for deaf dumb and blindness REPEATEDLY 1 stars
10/07/06 El Kevino Eh, was pretty bad. 1 stars
8/20/06 ganeshkumar good 4 stars
8/10/06 melivorous i wish boll were dead, the end 1 stars
8/09/06 Dragon The Artist A few minute campy qualities, but opinions are like @$$holes, everybody has one,BOLL HATERZ 4 stars
8/06/06 cody armstrong It is an excellent movie. 5 stars
8/01/06 Andras I liked the movie. I wish there was more background story. 4 stars
7/22/06 RealDeal2006 Uwe seen one movie from this useless cunt uwe seen them all! 2 stars
7/21/06 Sugarfoot So that's where Michael Pare has been hiding...In lame Uwe Boll flicks. 1 stars
7/18/06 Woodsie So bad I was expecting the audience to adopt the brace position in the seats! 2 stars
7/15/06 Anthony G what's funny is after all of these shit movies, I still want to see the next one. 1 stars
7/08/06 ALDO Enjoyed it ...much better than catwoman, elekra Much better 3 stars
7/05/06 Ducka Amazingly terrible 1 stars
7/03/06 Ryden FC Stunningly awful. Boll exceeds expectations again! 1 stars
6/25/06 pete no 1 stars
6/19/06 Ray One person only couldnt have done something so bad 1 stars
6/19/06 Jon Dolnier Lame, but I pretty much expected it to be so... 1 stars
6/05/06 Jon Fuck it 1 stars
5/31/06 Ryan_A As bad as advertised, and still worse than expected. Inept in every way. 1 stars
5/21/06 Sugarfoot Uwe Boll is the devil, I tell you! 1 stars
5/18/06 Uwe never seen anything like it! Awful 1 stars
5/13/06 Duffyboy666 UWE is BOLLocks. 1 stars
2/20/06 Sean D Oh dear fucking goodness make him STOP! 1 stars
1/25/06 AntiBoll No Scott we go see his movies they make money, and THEN he will stop making them (we hope) 1 stars
1/15/06 Uwe Boll HaHa i made it suck on purpose! >:D 1 stars
1/11/06 Ole Man Bourbon So bad, once it looked like Madsen was about to start crying while delivering a line 1 stars
1/11/06 Jason Keller Was going to say "like watching porn without the sex", but he went and threw in a sex scene 1 stars
1/09/06 Zordude It was no really good, but watchable for someone who likes the genre 3 stars
1/07/06 The Crystal Lich "... a film professor's most vibrant nightmare." Brilliant! 2 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  06-Jan-2006 (R)
  DVD: 23-May-2006

UK
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