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Overall Rating
1.32

Awesome: 2.35%
Worth A Look: 4.71%
Average: 2.35%
Pretty Bad: 3.53%
Total Crap87.06%

8 reviews, 37 user ratings


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Bloodrayne
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by Laura Kyle

"What'd Uwe Expect?"
1 stars

SCREENED AT THE 2005 AUSTIN FILM FESTIVAL: Starring Kristanna Loken’s cleavage and co-starring Kristanna Loken’s abs, Bloodrayne is Uwe Boll’s brazen entry into the "Vampire" genre.

Stone-faced Rayne, a half-vampire/half-human – or “dhampir” – escapes her cruel carnie captors, ravenous for some blood, preferably the vampire kind. She’s on a single-minded mission to kill her sun/cross/stake fearing daddy, who brutally raped and murdered her human mother. She’s the quintessential femme fatale; I mean seriously, I would never want to get on her bad side. She even changes into a computer-generated image in at least one action sequence!

Loken plays Rayne totally straight, delivering one badass (not to mention, complex) performance, and I have no idea how. Yet, a certain body part of hers makes a cameo, and that will surely overshadow any of her merit as an actor.

Anyhow, Vladamir (Michael Madsen), Sebastian (Mathew Davis), and Katarin (Michelle Rodriguez), of the “Brimstone” order, are bent on exterminating all of the blood drinking population, so they recruit the scantily clad fighting machine Rayne and join forces with her against her vampire father.

Meat Loaf, Ben Kingsley, and Billy Zane all ham it up for their supporting roles, while the leads do their best with cornball dialogue that’s really just extraneous and is not even on par with that in Star Wars half the time.

Bloodrayne is really just an excuse for Boll to make a big, boisterous movie with blood and gore and fancy sword fights and soft porn.

However, Henning Lohner’s ridiculously deadpan score meddles in every freaking frame and the actors actually do a fairly commendable job, continually proposing that Bloodrayne should be taken seriously. That just makes the thing even funnier.

Apparently, in the Romania of the 1700’s, women were not as sensitive to the cold as men. Because they wore a lot less clothes. In fact, I learned a fair amount of history from Bloodrayne . Like everyone back then wore really curious looking wigs. Billy Zane’s first scene took a while for me to register, on the account that I couldn’t stop studying his “18th century” toupee. Yet Rayne looks like she just came out of a 21st century Supercuts. Also, women spoke almost like elves from Middle Earth. And, well, speaking like an elf from Middle Earth is not really Michelle Rodriguez’ forte.

You know how the saying goes. “Movies are never as good as the video games they’re based on.” Well, maybe that saying doesn't exist, but I’m pretty sure we’re just one Uwe Boll movie short* of it becoming a part of conversation.

I’ve never played the game that inspired Bloodrayne, but I have an inkling it requires significantly more smarts to enjoy than does the movie version. At least a video game is interactive. (No doubt, those lusting after Loken as she does for blood, will probably rent the DVD and pause it at occasional spots…and then perhaps it’ll be somewhat interactive.)

But, alas, Bloodrayne is a good time. There’s something unpretentious about it, probably because it’s packed with mindless, indulgent action and the like.

Still, if it weren’t for Uwe’s production company, Boll KG (the biggest laugh I got from the film was when I read that in the opening credits…), Bloodrayne wouldn’t have any of its lavish effects and well-paid crew/cast; it’d be headed straight to video or cut up and edited for late night programming on Cinemax or something.

*Boll’s announced FIVE MORE MOVIES, so it looks like we’re stuck with him, at least until 2008. Two of them are based on classic novels, I mean, er, VIDEO GAMES!!! Better get used to it.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=13315&reviewer=369
originally posted: 10/24/05 15:49:06
[printer] printer-friendly format  
OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2005 Austin Film Festival For more in the 2005 Austin Film Festival series, click here.

User Comments

4/24/17 David H. Complete malarkey and doggy poop. 1 stars
5/03/11 austin dreadful 1 stars
9/03/08 Shaun Wallner Awesome storyline! 5 stars
5/11/08 Tabitha Rabisa I liked the plot and the actors they chose to play the roles 4 stars
4/13/08 MJ Kristanna Loken is the only good thing about this film! 1 stars
8/22/07 AntiGaneshKumar Toast to the idiots who gave this movie 4+ stars. You've joined the 0.01% moviegoers... 1 stars
3/04/07 gal. i laughed..at all the terrible things about this movie which just happens to be everything 1 stars
10/30/06 wesley sniper Dear Cody, You are mentally retarded. Love, everyone 1 stars
10/18/06 AJ Muller words fail me. uwe boll makes people wish for deaf dumb and blindness REPEATEDLY 1 stars
10/07/06 El Kevino Eh, was pretty bad. 1 stars
8/20/06 ganeshkumar good 4 stars
8/10/06 melivorous i wish boll were dead, the end 1 stars
8/09/06 Dragon The Artist A few minute campy qualities, but opinions are like @$$holes, everybody has one,BOLL HATERZ 4 stars
8/06/06 cody armstrong It is an excellent movie. 5 stars
8/01/06 Andras I liked the movie. I wish there was more background story. 4 stars
7/22/06 RealDeal2006 Uwe seen one movie from this useless cunt uwe seen them all! 2 stars
7/21/06 Sugarfoot So that's where Michael Pare has been hiding...In lame Uwe Boll flicks. 1 stars
7/18/06 Woodsie So bad I was expecting the audience to adopt the brace position in the seats! 2 stars
7/15/06 Anthony G what's funny is after all of these shit movies, I still want to see the next one. 1 stars
7/08/06 ALDO Enjoyed it ...much better than catwoman, elekra Much better 3 stars
7/05/06 Ducka Amazingly terrible 1 stars
7/03/06 Ryden FC Stunningly awful. Boll exceeds expectations again! 1 stars
6/25/06 pete no 1 stars
6/19/06 Ray One person only couldnt have done something so bad 1 stars
6/19/06 Jon Dolnier Lame, but I pretty much expected it to be so... 1 stars
6/05/06 Jon Fuck it 1 stars
5/31/06 Ryan_A As bad as advertised, and still worse than expected. Inept in every way. 1 stars
5/21/06 Sugarfoot Uwe Boll is the devil, I tell you! 1 stars
5/18/06 Uwe never seen anything like it! Awful 1 stars
5/13/06 Duffyboy666 UWE is BOLLocks. 1 stars
2/20/06 Sean D Oh dear fucking goodness make him STOP! 1 stars
1/25/06 AntiBoll No Scott we go see his movies they make money, and THEN he will stop making them (we hope) 1 stars
1/15/06 Uwe Boll HaHa i made it suck on purpose! >:D 1 stars
1/11/06 Ole Man Bourbon So bad, once it looked like Madsen was about to start crying while delivering a line 1 stars
1/11/06 Jason Keller Was going to say "like watching porn without the sex", but he went and threw in a sex scene 1 stars
1/09/06 Zordude It was no really good, but watchable for someone who likes the genre 3 stars
1/07/06 The Crystal Lich "... a film professor's most vibrant nightmare." Brilliant! 2 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  06-Jan-2006 (R)
  DVD: 23-May-2006

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