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Overall Rating
1.32

Awesome: 2.38%
Worth A Look: 4.76%
Average: 2.38%
Pretty Bad: 3.57%
Total Crap86.9%

8 reviews, 36 user ratings


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Bloodrayne
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by Rob Gonsalves

"This was my first Uwe Boll film weep now for my lost innocence, please."
1 stars

When the credits proudly announce "Special Appearance by Billy Zane," you know you're in trouble.

Zane, however, is actually pretty funny in BloodRayne, a witless action-vampire flick based on a video game. He plays Elrich, some sort of elite vamp who mostly sits in his study and acts snarky. "Would you stop throwing things at me?" he deadpans at a minion who has tossed a scroll and, earlier, a severed head onto his desk. Zane's dialogue is the only evidence I could find of credited screenwriter Guinevere Turner, who wrote the '90s lesbian indie film Go Fish and has contributed to Showtime's The L Word. Well, that and the scene wherein the half-vamp heroine Rayne (Kristanna Loken) seduces a female vampire only to chomp her throat.

BloodRayne is the latest in director Uwe Boll's ongoing crusade to take horror-oriented video games (House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark were his previous efforts) and suck all the life out of them. I've played BloodRayne, and its cut scenes are better than anything in the movie. The plot manages the dubious feat of being both dumb and complicated, like the worst James Bond movies, when all it's really about is stopping king-shit vampire Kagan (Ben Kingsley) before he can gather three ancient body parts that can make him invulnerable. Kagan (no relation to Fagin, whom Kingsley played in 2005's Oliver Twist) is essentially The Master from Buffy's first season, with the Darth Vader spin of also being Rayne's father (he raped her human mother). Rayne, for her part, is essentially a distaff Blade, only without the impressive arsenal (she could use a Whistler).

But don't let the presence of fanged bloodsuckers fool you: BloodRayne is really no more a vampire film than Grandma's Boy is. It's a derivative quest film, with Rayne accompanied by a motley crew (Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, and Matt Davis) as she searches for the elusive items an eye in a monastery, a heart in a box underwater. As she collects these items, her energy points go up uh, I mean her powers become greater (she can tolerate water, which once scorched her flesh). Unfortunately, Kristanna Loken's acting becomes no greater. Then again, Maria Falconetti at her peak couldn't do much with the lines Loken and everyone else (except Billy Zane) are given, and poor Michelle Rodriguez tries hard to maintain some sort of period-appropriate accent but winds up defaulting to her sullen mode. (She and her Girlfight director Karyn Kusama who came a cropper with Aeon Flux need to reunite fast and stop faffing about with dorky girl-power fantasies that are really about giving teen boys a peek.)

This was my first Uwe Boll film weep now for my lost innocence, please and he's every bit as inept as I'd heard. His fight scenes are the worst kind of editing-room cheating, meant to cover for actors who haven't been trained to wield anything more intimidating than a cell phone. Rayne begins the movie as a carny freak, and her escape from that degrading life is shown in a confusing flashback while she's escaping. Yeah, it didn't make sense to me either. Loken's topless sex scene with Matt Davis -- clang, clang against dungeon bars (ooh, how medievally erotic!) -- might join Elizabeth Berkley's Showgirls pool-thrashing in sex-scene infamy. Blood squirts and spurts everywhere, a tribute of sorts to the sanguinary game, only the blood looked more realistic there. Meat Loaf collects a check for a couple of scenes as a vamp libertine; Geraldine Chaplin whose father Charlie is not, let's hope, following her career from the afterlife pops in as a fortune teller who fails to tell Kristanna Loken not to sign on for any more Uwe Boll movies based on video games.

As it happens, Loken is due to appear in Boll's "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale" in December 2006. Mark your calendars.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=13315&reviewer=416
originally posted: 05/22/06 11:54:28
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OFFICIAL SELECTION: 2005 Austin Film Festival For more in the 2005 Austin Film Festival series, click here.

User Comments

5/03/11 austin dreadful 1 stars
9/03/08 Shaun Wallner Awesome storyline! 5 stars
5/11/08 Tabitha Rabisa I liked the plot and the actors they chose to play the roles 4 stars
4/13/08 MJ Kristanna Loken is the only good thing about this film! 1 stars
8/22/07 AntiGaneshKumar Toast to the idiots who gave this movie 4+ stars. You've joined the 0.01% moviegoers... 1 stars
3/04/07 gal. i laughed..at all the terrible things about this movie which just happens to be everything 1 stars
10/30/06 wesley sniper Dear Cody, You are mentally retarded. Love, everyone 1 stars
10/18/06 AJ Muller words fail me. uwe boll makes people wish for deaf dumb and blindness REPEATEDLY 1 stars
10/07/06 El Kevino Eh, was pretty bad. 1 stars
8/20/06 ganeshkumar good 4 stars
8/10/06 melivorous i wish boll were dead, the end 1 stars
8/09/06 Dragon The Artist A few minute campy qualities, but opinions are like @$$holes, everybody has one,BOLL HATERZ 4 stars
8/06/06 cody armstrong It is an excellent movie. 5 stars
8/01/06 Andras I liked the movie. I wish there was more background story. 4 stars
7/22/06 RealDeal2006 Uwe seen one movie from this useless cunt uwe seen them all! 2 stars
7/21/06 Sugarfoot So that's where Michael Pare has been hiding...In lame Uwe Boll flicks. 1 stars
7/18/06 Woodsie So bad I was expecting the audience to adopt the brace position in the seats! 2 stars
7/15/06 Anthony G what's funny is after all of these shit movies, I still want to see the next one. 1 stars
7/08/06 ALDO Enjoyed it ...much better than catwoman, elekra Much better 3 stars
7/05/06 Ducka Amazingly terrible 1 stars
7/03/06 Ryden FC Stunningly awful. Boll exceeds expectations again! 1 stars
6/25/06 pete no 1 stars
6/19/06 Ray One person only couldnt have done something so bad 1 stars
6/19/06 Jon Dolnier Lame, but I pretty much expected it to be so... 1 stars
6/05/06 Jon Fuck it 1 stars
5/31/06 Ryan_A As bad as advertised, and still worse than expected. Inept in every way. 1 stars
5/21/06 Sugarfoot Uwe Boll is the devil, I tell you! 1 stars
5/18/06 Uwe never seen anything like it! Awful 1 stars
5/13/06 Duffyboy666 UWE is BOLLocks. 1 stars
2/20/06 Sean D Oh dear fucking goodness make him STOP! 1 stars
1/25/06 AntiBoll No Scott we go see his movies they make money, and THEN he will stop making them (we hope) 1 stars
1/15/06 Uwe Boll HaHa i made it suck on purpose! >:D 1 stars
1/11/06 Ole Man Bourbon So bad, once it looked like Madsen was about to start crying while delivering a line 1 stars
1/11/06 Jason Keller Was going to say "like watching porn without the sex", but he went and threw in a sex scene 1 stars
1/09/06 Zordude It was no really good, but watchable for someone who likes the genre 3 stars
1/07/06 The Crystal Lich "... a film professor's most vibrant nightmare." Brilliant! 2 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  06-Jan-2006 (R)
  DVD: 23-May-2006

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