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Overall Rating

Awesome: 31.82%
Worth A Look36.36%
Average: 4.55%
Pretty Bad: 16.67%
Total Crap: 10.61%

3 reviews, 48 user ratings

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by Tony Hansen

"Saved by the Bell -- The Naughty Years"
4 stars

In 1982 Bob Clark studied the history of film feverishly. He saw that there were films for cowboys, films for blacks, even films, strangely enough, for white people. Thatís how far weíve come; there are now films for the white population of America! Unfortunately, however, the history of film had flagrantly, as if out of spite, dismissed one of the vastly growing minorities of the universe: those who have inserted their penises through holes in the shower rooms of female high school students. Yes, this brotherhood existed in droves but where was their voice? They pay taxes. They vote in elections. Why had the industry dismissed this group as inconsequential and undeserving?

Thankfully for all of us Bob Clark, a visionary who would go on to be the creative force behind the holiday classic A Christmas Story, saw the problem and decided he was going to do something about it, regardless of the possible career damnation. So, after months of meditation and probably masturbation Clark released Porkyís, a chilling depiction of high school life. In it, Clark deals with the issues of sexual inadequacy, race, religion, homophobia, and just down and dirty trying to get some. Thank heavens for Bob Clark.

Porkyís tells the story of a group of high school students and their never ending search for libidinous relief. Pee Wee (Dan Monahan) is the inexperience one who bounces around like a horny gnat trying desperately to find someone to help him do the nasty. The boys visit a prostitute, and are unsuccessful. They visit the bar/brothel/eating establishment known as "Porkyís," and are again unsuccessful, making an enemy of the surly titular owner in the process. They joke. They laugh. They get even with that bad, bad man Porky who wonít let underage kids drink and sex themselves up in his bar. (Oh, I hate that Porky.) And then thatís it. End of the film. Light yourself a cigarette because youíve just been cinematically laid.

There are so many things to just love about this movie. The actors, for one, must be in their late twenties. (Really, they make the cast of Beverly Hills 90210 look like Our Gang.) You get both of the parents from Webster playing unexpected roles. (Maíam really knows how to earn her money.) You get public nakedness. (Sure, itís mostly girls but . . . well . . . ok, itís all girls.) You get Kim Cattrall as the howling Lassie. And through it all you get some of the most bizarrely executed sexual obsession based humor ever put on film. (Alright, letís all admit it boys. Weíve all risen from our nightly slumber with morning stiffness, then measured it with a ruler, then taken out a calender from under our mattress and marked the growth or shrinkage with a pen, then commented on how strange it is that our penises are shrinking. We all have charts, girls Ė every single one of us.)

In reality, coming back to the real world of film ďcriticism,Ē I like to think of Porkyís as a fantasy. It takes place in a world where thereís nothing peculiar with purchasing a huge condom and putting it on the head of a sexually inexperienced student. Everyone thinks itís funny. This is a world where you can score in a bus in the middle of a pep rally, push yourself half way out of a window and grunt out a glorious exaltation at your success, while the trampy, slut-of-a-girl begs for a little more juice. Here, sexually, anything goes and the girls are always on board. When a boy is sexually offensive or just plain mean, well, itís just boys being boys. I donít know which part of the universe this film is taking place but it certainly isnít my world.

With this in mind, to me, Porkyís is a reminder of the power of film to relieve us, even if itís done with subtlety, from our worldly concerns. Porkyís isnít a great movie. Frankly, it really isnít a good movie. But it carries with it a loose charm, and this charm transcends the quality of the film and makes it enjoyable nonetheless. Itís probably better than most of the more recent teen sex romps because it has the balls to try things that will inevitably and obviously suck, and Clark doesnít have the insecurity, because of this suckiness, to feel the need to give the film heart. There isnít a message in Porkyís and it doesnít even try. You wonít learn a thing from this movie. Yet, youíll be endeared to this film because itís never condescending.

Youíll never feel that itís genuinely good but youíll never feel that itís camp. Itís somewhere in between. And isnít that the best place to be, I mean, sexually speaking?

link directly to this review at
originally posted: 08/16/03 11:52:44
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User Comments

9/14/17 morris campbell dated not as funny as it used 2 B 1 stars
4/10/10 Josie Cotton is a goddess The locker room gag is one of the funniest moments in film. Up there with 'Kiss Me Stupid.' 5 stars
12/06/07 Pamela White classic T&A flick not one to see on a date guys 2 stars
6/28/07 David Pollastrini Love the shower scene! 4 stars
10/24/06 Jeremy Davies very funny teen sex movies 4 stars
5/23/06 Clubber Lang Quite a few classic scenes, and the chemistry between the cast, put this over the edge. 5 stars
3/12/06 JM Synth Has some big laughs and a likeable fell. Much preferable to American Pie, Road Trip etc. 4 stars
12/05/05 cody a crazy and freaky comedy, with lot of laughs and teenager's gultiy pleasure 4 stars
8/25/05 Tom Benton Starts off slow, but ends up as a very funny and entertaining comedy. 3 stars
7/07/05 John MacKendrick Lowbrow humor entertainingly done. 4 stars
1/30/05 Jeff Anderson Still one of the funniest comedies of the 80's. Plus Kim Cattrall and Dan Monahan RULE!!!!! 5 stars
12/10/04 Jason Kaul Groudbreaking at the time,but it has been done so many times since that it hasn't aged well 4 stars
8/13/04 M Absolute garbage! 2 stars
6/05/04 doperappa It waz really good!! Funny,Funny,Funny!!! 5 stars
3/25/04 Lord Haw Haw I wouldn't watch this steaming pile again with your eyes. 1 stars
11/22/03 ROY L. CAIN,JR. A classic, silly sex romp. "It will give you a night to remember." 4 stars
11/21/03 R.W. Welch Kinda dumb but done with aplomb. Some inventive bits. 3 stars
8/28/03 anna Dated, but the Shit back in the Day. Rating reflects nostalgia. 4 stars
8/17/03 Lord Jiggy Thought it was good at the time...unwatchable now. 2 stars
2/08/03 Charles Tatum Kicks "American Pie"'s ass, hilarious police lineup scene 4 stars
11/12/02 nic .m. pretty cool, a good laugh too! 5 stars
10/27/02 Matt Neopalitano A Florida classic! 5 stars
9/05/02 Chancey Thunderpants I actually found this movie quite fun, nothing else... just fun. 3 stars
1/30/02 Andrew Carden Good If You're 16, but Otherwise It's An Overrated Piece Of Crap. 2 stars
11/25/01 Butterbean An odvious bandwagon jumper to "Animal House", but it's better. 4 stars
9/07/01 chrysalis taylor porky is one of the best movies ever 5 stars
8/06/01 TX Aggie 02 PHAT 5 stars
7/15/01 officer 412/l Actualy quite funny. unlike the sequals 4 stars
6/17/01 Marty Collett what i liked best about porky's is that it brings back 80's memories 5 stars
6/07/01 Playgirl this movie ate my balls 1 stars
4/23/01 M I liked it a lot. Funny, simple. 4 stars
4/10/01 Monster W. Kung T.h.i.s m.o.v.i.e SSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUXXXXX! 1 stars
6/07/00 Adrian Byrne F"cken classic. A movie for the ages...smut, smut, msut. 5 stars
4/07/00 The Enforcer I love this movie I give in a ten a ten a ten 5 stars
4/01/00 Sloppy Twat I liked was very hot and spicy... 5 stars
3/26/00 None of your business those who rated it as total crap; get your head out of your ass, its not a serious movie. 4 stars
3/03/00 Ryan A movie that loves sex but hates women. What's up with that? 1 stars
2/07/00 steve layne At least the 2nd best in the series 4 stars
12/18/99 SID Fuck "American Pie!" Porky's rules! 4 stars
9/05/99 Weird Andy This is the movie that robbed me of my innocence. 5 stars
7/24/99 Hagbard Celine Why is this pathetic lump of dreck being reviewed at all? 1 stars
7/11/99 Randall Christ, I heard this was entertaining, but I couldn't stand it 1 stars
7/06/99 R. Petersen One of the greatest films of the 1980's. Full frontal nudity makes this one stand out. 5 stars
7/04/99 J-Dogg I rented this for the nudity and then found out that it was HILARIOUS. Except no substitute 4 stars
5/13/99 Very sadistic and mind-numbingly stupid. 2 stars
3/09/99 Go Swans Still hilarious after all these years. Best scene? "She's almost got it" 5 stars
1/15/99 Freaky Deaky it's more than T&A! It's a classic...BALLBREAKER! 4 stars
11/27/98 Lord Of The Dunce The ultimate 80's T&A movie. (After "Joysticks" and "Hot Dog: The Movie") 4 stars
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  19-Mar-1982 (R)
  DVD: 22-May-2007


  02-Jul-1982 (MA)

Directed by
  Bob Clark

Written by
  Bob Clark

  Dan Monahan
  Mark Herrier
  Wyatt Knight
  Roger Wilson
  Cyril O'Reilly
  Tony Ganios

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