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Overall Rating
2.53

Awesome: 16.05%
Worth A Look: 6.17%
Average: 29.63%
Pretty Bad: 11.11%
Total Crap37.04%

6 reviews, 45 user ratings


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Marine, The
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by Collin Souter

"Destined to be a huge hit on The Violence Channel"
3 stars

The Marine is a big, stupid meathead of a movie. It exists for no other reason than to try and put more coins in the pockets of the WWE and to blow shit up. It does the latter quite well. The opening sequence—in which the titular Marine rescues his men from the clutches of al-Queda…in Iraq—seems to signal the return of the legendary Golan and Globus, the team responsible for all those cheap Charles Bronson and Chuck Norris movies of the ‘80s. Mere seconds into this movie and already the property damage equals that of Hiroshima. It doesn’t stop there. When things explode in this film, we see it from every possible vantage point. They paid handsomely for this footage and, dammit, they’re gonna use it!

I’m pretty sure the pitch went like this:
Screenwriter #1: Okay, it’s an action movie. John Cena, the wrestler, plays a Marine and…(Pause)...Honestly, Mr. Exec, the truth is, well…we really, really, really want to brow up all of South Carolina.
Exec: (Perks up) Really.
Screenwriter # 1: Yes, sir.
Exec: (Looks at other screenwriter) You feel the same way?
Screenwriter # 2: Yes, sir. I do.
Exec: (Ponders for a moment) Do it.

Thus, The Marine was born.
In this magnum opus, wrestler John Cena makes his movie debut as a human paperweight named John Triton, a Marine who has just been kicked out of his profession for disobeying orders and is forced to go back into civilization as a low-rent security guard. To relieve stress, he and his wife (Kelly Carlson) take a drive into the country where they stop at a rustic gas station. Here, we learn a little something (actually, a little nothing) about Triton’s childhood memories of when his father took him to the mountains. We don’t learn too much about this event, because the screenwriters of this film are saving that monologue for later…from a different character, completely unrelated to Triton and for no apparent purpose.

The villains of choice in this blow-em-up are a pack of inept jewel thieves led by the sarcastic Robert Patrick. With him is a token hottie named Angela (Abigail Bianca), a token black guy named Morgan (Anthony Ray Parker) and a couple random white guys to help out. On the run from the law (the morons don’t even think to wear masks when they rob the joint), Patrick and his hench-people run into Triton and his wife at the gas station where mayhem and explosions ensue. They kidnap Triton’s wife, steal his car and call more unnecessary attention to themselves by killing a couple cops. This gives Triton another chance to do what he does best: Survive gigantic, plutonium-based explosions and grunt methodically while chasing autobound criminals by boat.

From there, the movie becomes a series of well-executed chase scenes, meaningless arguments between the jewel thieves and pointless action sequences. Now, understand, when I say pointless, I mean that two characters come into the middle of the film, add absolutely nothing to the storyline and get killed off five minutes later just so they can throw in an action sequence. That’s how desperate this movie is to fill out its 93 minute running time.

But I can’t say I had a bad time watching this piece of trash. Maybe it’s because I had a smart-ass colleague to watch it with me, but I actually have to say that the action sequences in this film are cut together quite nicely and the movie more often than not falls into the realm of “fun bad.” Director John Bonito milks every action scene for all their worth, even though the set pieces themselves have little originality. Bonito, a newcomer, can’t make anything else in this dumb-ass movie work, but he has already proven himself a solid Action Movie craftsman. Hey, just because a car goes over a cliff in flames, doesn’t mean you should stop shooting at it, right?

As you can imagine, the rest of it stinks on ice, but it’s good for a few laughs. The score is a schizophrenic series of temp tracks on shuffle mode. We hear a little techno mixed with cheezy porno music, some thrash metal mashed up with Standard Action Score and a completely out-of-place Celtic pan flute to round everything out. John Cena has little chance of being a successful screen actor, but he doesn’t seem interested anyway. His character constantly repeats “That’s not who I am” whenever the conversation centers on him being something other than a Marine. He’s no Rock either. Or at least, his name doesn’t appear to be The Rock. Only if his name appears second to Big-Ass Explosions on the marquee does he have a future in this business.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=15260&reviewer=233
originally posted: 10/15/06 02:29:31
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User Comments

2/13/17 morris campbell lame 1 stars
1/08/16 David Hollingsworth the worse action movie ever 1 stars
5/08/14 Richard Brandt Heartfelt plea against the perils of rock candy. Just say no, kids. 3 stars
4/15/14 Richard Brandt Robert Patrick obviously having a great time as the villain. Watch out for HARD CANDY!! 3 stars
8/26/13 DB Worst action movie since "XXX" 1 stars
1/22/11 Chris F stick to wrestling john 1 stars
10/26/08 Shaun Wallner Cena.. keep your day job lol 1 stars
9/06/08 PAUL SHORTT LOW BRAINED, LOW BUDGET, LOW LOGIC ACTION SHLOCK 1 stars
8/25/08 flojenkins one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies ever 5 stars
7/30/08 Dime it was what is expected in action films, a bit predictible though 3 stars
5/03/08 Karrie Millheim It was sort of boring to me, good action though 3 stars
11/11/07 hunter a cool action movie with my favorite wreslter john cena is the man 4 stars
11/04/07 Josh Worst movie that has ever been created. 1 stars
8/26/07 njabulo worst movie ever u all dumjmy idiots u americans 1 stars
7/19/07 B Every devildog "Marine" in the nation should be disgusted, I wasted $3.99 on John Cena 1 stars
5/23/07 JohnCena I'm a MARINE!!!! We are going throught it!!! This movie sucked ass 5 stars
3/02/07 Soc Do they still do such shit? Bad advertising for the marin core... 1 stars
2/23/07 cody a pretty darn good action flick, john cena is just awesome, chick fight scene is cool man. 4 stars
2/23/07 Rob Kinda lame but had some good moments and laughs best part was special features 2 stars
2/09/07 Ryan_A Cena's no Rock. Action at its most generic. At least Patrick's having fun. 2 stars
2/05/07 Sugarfoot A huge problem, is this movie intended to be so funny? Or is it that awful? It's a toss up. 2 stars
1/31/07 action movie fan exciting action hostage flick-pays homage to deliverance,southern comfort, shot to kill- 4 stars
1/04/07 Sean Horrible. 1 stars
12/23/06 Monica Cruz this is the best movie evr... well duhh nethign with joh ncen ais awesome... 5 stars
12/18/06 maggie kraler this is the best movie i have ever seen 5 stars
12/14/06 Stephanie i love johncena soo much and i also loved his movie The Marine. He looked really good 5 stars
12/11/06 Wilitza I Love John Cena, I like the Movie. 5 stars
12/06/06 john cena fan you guys are so stupid cena was awsome in that movie you guys are just bullshitin 5 stars
12/05/06 blackhawk just watch it, eventhough i don't like john cena 3 stars
12/05/06 salina this was the best movie you stupid people that said it wasn't good 5 stars
12/03/06 I hate Wrestlers Worst action flick I have ever seen. It's no Commando... 1 stars
12/01/06 Justin Loved it all it only got bad rating cuz the anti cena fans brung it down 5 stars
11/01/06 person this was one of the best movies ever you people that gave it a 3 or lower are retarded 5 stars
10/30/06 Chris A YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS 1 stars
10/24/06 michael wait for the dvd had its moments but the music made it seem like a bad porn without skin 3 stars
10/21/06 Ray I would never have seen this movie from reading the reviews, but it was hilarious. 4 stars
10/18/06 Mark I thought Hollywood stopped makig movies this bad 1 stars
10/17/06 Randy It's no Few Good Men but for a sit down, shut up and enjoy the ride flick, this ones great 5 stars
10/17/06 crissy I think this movie is great for cena's first movie 5 stars
10/16/06 nate They took the Marine name and turned it into a joke 1 stars
10/16/06 Anonymous Bob How could you possibly give this more than 1 star? 1 stars
10/15/06 Shery Typical silly, action flick, as long as you know that about it.....you will have fun. 4 stars
10/15/06 C You have to be a dumbass to give this 5 stars 1 stars
10/14/06 Matt Oakland Great action popcorn flick 5 stars
10/14/06 Nick No Good 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  13-Oct-2006 (PG-13)
  DVD: 30-Jan-2007

UK
  N/A
  DVD: 07-May-2007

Australia
  25-Jul-2007 (M)
  DVD: 25-Jul-2007




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