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Overall Rating
2.53

Awesome: 16.05%
Worth A Look: 6.17%
Average: 29.63%
Pretty Bad: 11.11%
Total Crap37.04%

6 reviews, 45 user ratings


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Marine, The
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by brianorndorf

"It never works when you're TRYING to be awful"
1 stars

“The Marine” aches to be taken as seriously as Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “Commando,” so how could it fail? Well, wonders never cease.

Dismissed from his overeager military duties in Iraq, John Triton (John Cena) returns home to settle down with his wife, Kate (Kelly Carlson, “Nip/Tuck”). On their way to a romantic getaway, Kate is kidnapped by a gang of ruthless diamond thieves, lead by the vicious Rome (Robert Patrick). Trying to figure out a way to fence the loot while struggling to keep two steps ahead of John and his path of vengeance, Rome and the gang find out soon enough that the only thing worse than robbing a South Carolina jewelry store is having a former marine chasing after you.

The last film to debut a professional wrestling actor was last May’s Kane stinker “See No Evil.” At the time, I was pretty sure it was the dumbest movie I’d see all year. After watching John Cena’s big screen gumball, “The Marine,” I stand corrected.

In interviews, Cena has compared the thrills of “Marine” to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 1985 guilty pleasure, “Commando.” In some respects, I can understand the comparison. Both pictures are high octane stunt spectacles, comfy in the notion that all the production has to do is blow up everything in sight, get the star to manhandle the bad guys, and the film will find its audience. However, as goofy as “Commando” was (and boy, was it ever), it was relatively calm next to the hyperactive “Marine,” and certainly featured more respectable direction and a script that didn’t dive off the deep end. “Marine” is dollar-store DVD lunacy, and not in a good way.

WWE director John Bonito goes bonkers trying to drum up excitement with this film. Basically, “Marine” is 90 minutes of fireballs, unspeakable one-liners, and poorly choreographed fight sequences. At least I thought they were fight sequences. Bonito edits the film so frantically, it could be just Cena standing still for all I could see. Everything in “Marine” is pumped up to deafening proportions, from Cena’s Herculean physique to, get this, sports cars for the South Carolina state troopers.

The problem with Cena goes beyond his easily spotted first film jitters. He’s a mountainous man, yet cursed with the vocal authority of pubescent 16 year-old held at the mercy of a film that won’t let us see what makes him so popular on the wrestling circuit. At least Schwarzenegger was a hard-ass of the highest order. Hindered by a PG-13 rating that dampens the mood by placing all the violent money shots off camera, Cena comes off as a bland action figure, ready to be posed in any film WWE sends down the pipe for him, but lacking a zesty charisma that could turn him into a genre icon.

At least the production had the sense to cast Kelly Carlson as John’s kidnapped wife. With Carlson as the damsel in distress, I can see why Triton battles so hard to get her back. I doubt someone like Selma Blair in the role would have lent the film its one crumble of reality.

Call it “Snakes on a Plane” syndrome, but “Marine” tires quickly trying to posture itself as a bad B-movie. Again, you really can’t proclaim yourself sinful cinematic garbage; you have to earn it. “Marine” is full of winks, tossed in a smorgasbord of a screenplay that gives Rome’s henchman a fear of rock candy and a moment where, in mid-threat, Rome takes a phone call to discuss his cable TV options. Couple that malarkey with the fact that Triton leaps out of the way of not one, not two, but three building explosions during the course of the picture (of course, not a scratch on him), and “The Marine” proudly admits that it’s junk. Who am I to disagree?

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=15260&reviewer=404
originally posted: 10/14/06 11:58:01
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User Comments

2/13/17 morris campbell lame 1 stars
1/08/16 David Hollingsworth the worse action movie ever 1 stars
5/08/14 Richard Brandt Heartfelt plea against the perils of rock candy. Just say no, kids. 3 stars
4/15/14 Richard Brandt Robert Patrick obviously having a great time as the villain. Watch out for HARD CANDY!! 3 stars
8/26/13 DB Worst action movie since "XXX" 1 stars
1/22/11 Chris F stick to wrestling john 1 stars
10/26/08 Shaun Wallner Cena.. keep your day job lol 1 stars
9/06/08 PAUL SHORTT LOW BRAINED, LOW BUDGET, LOW LOGIC ACTION SHLOCK 1 stars
8/25/08 flojenkins one of the most unintentionally hilarious movies ever 5 stars
7/30/08 Dime it was what is expected in action films, a bit predictible though 3 stars
5/03/08 Karrie Millheim It was sort of boring to me, good action though 3 stars
11/11/07 hunter a cool action movie with my favorite wreslter john cena is the man 4 stars
11/04/07 Josh Worst movie that has ever been created. 1 stars
8/26/07 njabulo worst movie ever u all dumjmy idiots u americans 1 stars
7/19/07 B Every devildog "Marine" in the nation should be disgusted, I wasted $3.99 on John Cena 1 stars
5/23/07 JohnCena I'm a MARINE!!!! We are going throught it!!! This movie sucked ass 5 stars
3/02/07 Soc Do they still do such shit? Bad advertising for the marin core... 1 stars
2/23/07 cody a pretty darn good action flick, john cena is just awesome, chick fight scene is cool man. 4 stars
2/23/07 Rob Kinda lame but had some good moments and laughs best part was special features 2 stars
2/09/07 Ryan_A Cena's no Rock. Action at its most generic. At least Patrick's having fun. 2 stars
2/05/07 Sugarfoot A huge problem, is this movie intended to be so funny? Or is it that awful? It's a toss up. 2 stars
1/31/07 action movie fan exciting action hostage flick-pays homage to deliverance,southern comfort, shot to kill- 4 stars
1/04/07 Sean Horrible. 1 stars
12/23/06 Monica Cruz this is the best movie evr... well duhh nethign with joh ncen ais awesome... 5 stars
12/18/06 maggie kraler this is the best movie i have ever seen 5 stars
12/14/06 Stephanie i love johncena soo much and i also loved his movie The Marine. He looked really good 5 stars
12/11/06 Wilitza I Love John Cena, I like the Movie. 5 stars
12/06/06 john cena fan you guys are so stupid cena was awsome in that movie you guys are just bullshitin 5 stars
12/05/06 blackhawk just watch it, eventhough i don't like john cena 3 stars
12/05/06 salina this was the best movie you stupid people that said it wasn't good 5 stars
12/03/06 I hate Wrestlers Worst action flick I have ever seen. It's no Commando... 1 stars
12/01/06 Justin Loved it all it only got bad rating cuz the anti cena fans brung it down 5 stars
11/01/06 person this was one of the best movies ever you people that gave it a 3 or lower are retarded 5 stars
10/30/06 Chris A YOU ARE ALL IDIOTS 1 stars
10/24/06 michael wait for the dvd had its moments but the music made it seem like a bad porn without skin 3 stars
10/21/06 Ray I would never have seen this movie from reading the reviews, but it was hilarious. 4 stars
10/18/06 Mark I thought Hollywood stopped makig movies this bad 1 stars
10/17/06 Randy It's no Few Good Men but for a sit down, shut up and enjoy the ride flick, this ones great 5 stars
10/17/06 crissy I think this movie is great for cena's first movie 5 stars
10/16/06 nate They took the Marine name and turned it into a joke 1 stars
10/16/06 Anonymous Bob How could you possibly give this more than 1 star? 1 stars
10/15/06 Shery Typical silly, action flick, as long as you know that about it.....you will have fun. 4 stars
10/15/06 C You have to be a dumbass to give this 5 stars 1 stars
10/14/06 Matt Oakland Great action popcorn flick 5 stars
10/14/06 Nick No Good 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  13-Oct-2006 (PG-13)
  DVD: 30-Jan-2007

UK
  N/A
  DVD: 07-May-2007

Australia
  25-Jul-2007 (M)
  DVD: 25-Jul-2007




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