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Overall Rating
2.08

Awesome: 4%
Worth A Look: 12%
Average: 2%
Pretty Bad52%
Total Crap: 30%

6 reviews, 14 user ratings


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Turistas (2006)
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by Doug Bentin

"Jungle rot"
2 stars

One of the things “B” movies are good for is showing future viewers what people were concerned about at the time the film was made. “Turistas” is just dripping with paranoia about what people of Hispanic background want to do to us Gringos when we befriend them and then trustingly turn our backs.

The story begins as disparate Brits and Yanks are riding a bus in the Brazilian outback. Of course, the driver is careless and ends up wrecking the vehicle. No one is injured and the English-speakers band together to berate the stupidity of the natives. They learn that there is a bar located on a nearby beach and hike there to get a drink as they wait for another bus to pick them up. They decide to stay at the beach and bar—without sending word back up to the bus driver who might even be worried about them—and when they awaken next morning on the sand they have been robbed of their money, passports and bags.

A friendly local offers to take them to his uncle’s house to await the next bus, due to arrive in a couple of days. They accept his invitation and then follow him, barefoot, ten hours through the jungle. Not only have these morons never seen a horror movie, apparently they’ve never read “Hansel and Gretel” either. They then go with him when he swims underwater through a cave to the people-less house.

I know, you think they’re dumber than an empty pinto bean can, but they do occasionally wonder aloud if they’re doing the right thing. This is the equivalent of going alone into the place where 47 murders have occurred and then walking backwards in the dark. The film was written by Michael Ross, who gained his experience as a writer by being the special effects supervisor on “Josie and the Pussycats.” It’s a pristine example of what’s known as an “idiot plot”—one in which nothing could happen if the protagonists weren’t total idiots.

What the evil Brazilians have in store for the simple American chumps abroad is telegraphed when the bus crashes and the yankee foreign devils are suspected by the locals of being there in order to harvest internal organs for rich Americans, but the movie never develops into the Hostel/Saw clone the marketing leads you to expect. It’s just a thriller about naïve/arrogant/moronic (choose one) speakers of English and the untrustworthy third-worlders who pretend to like them before removing their livers.

By unfortunate coincidence, two of the films I saw for review recently have stooped to class warfare for their plots. This is pernicious in “Turistas” as the viewer is forced to take sides either with Ugly Americans, or Ugly Brits who are at least honest enough to admit that they don’t like foreigners, or with evil and vengeful south-of-the-border types. Personally, I was hoping for a volcano to take them all out.

“Turistas” is just plain old tepid. Directed by John Stockwell and starring Melissa George (“The Amityville Horror”) and Josh Duhamel (“Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!”), it will be fun on DVD when you can gather some pals to watch it while you’re shouting insults at the screen. It isn’t worth hating, but it’s far from worth paying to see.

The trailer contains the moment one of the female Americans asks the others if they mind her swimming topless. She does, but it isn’t worth paying to see. In my day, disposable starlets in thrillers had more impressive rib bumpers. These kids today . . .

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=15287&reviewer=405
originally posted: 12/19/06 05:58:11
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User Comments

9/14/17 morris campbell boring hostel rip off 1 stars
11/19/09 mr.mike Was no bad on cable 4 stars
9/03/08 Shaun Wallner Bloody Awesome!!! 5 stars
6/03/08 mike terrible waste of time. long wait for gore and very little shown. LAME 1 stars
10/24/07 Ivana Mann Underrated chiller-effectively creepy, tension builds up slowly. 4 stars
5/25/07 David Pollastrini Cave scenes gave me claustrophobia. 4 stars
5/25/07 Indrid Cold A moderately interesting adventure story that eventually fizzles out. 2 stars
4/06/07 Vince Tense horror movie. Cave scenes at end excellent. Oh, and some boobies too. 4 stars
4/02/07 action movie fan not bad wolf creek-hostel imitation-engrossing story a bit gruesome though 4 stars
3/29/07 Johnny Martillan its very nice especially the effects of the, its look like areal things.... 5 stars
1/26/07 Jeff Anderson Begins strongly & contains moments of real terror, then RAPIDLY goes downhill & gets stupid 2 stars
12/13/06 jdean62 A waste of my time !! ending sucked ! dont go!!!! 1 stars
12/08/06 sharks1947 First half had promise, poor lightin ruined it 4 stars
12/07/06 Luke As average as movies get. No reason to check this out again. 3 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  01-Dec-2006 (R)
  DVD: 27-Mar-2007

UK
  N/A

Australia
  N/A


Directed by
  John Stockwell

Written by
  Michael Ross

Cast
  Josh Duhamel
  Melissa George
  Olivia Wilde
  Desmond Askew
  Beau Garrett
  Max Brown



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