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Overall Rating

Awesome: 6.45%
Worth A Look: 4.3%
Average: 4.3%
Pretty Bad: 6.45%
Total Crap78.49%

3 reviews, 75 user ratings

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Meet the Spartans
[] Buy posters from this movie
by brianorndorf

"The Worst Film of 2008 Runs 68 Minutes"
1 stars

OK, I get it now: Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg are agents of Satan himself, and their recruitment video is “Meet the Spartans,” the latest in their own private franchise of head-slappingly awful parody product.

You’d think after “Date Movie” and “Epic Movie” I would’ve flown to Los Angeles and violently snatched the camera away from these guys myself, but hey, I got busy. I’m sorry. In my vigilante absence, these amateur filmmakers somehow conned a profit-hungry 20th Century Fox (a studio this close to greenlighting “Ass: The Movie”) into bankrolling another satiric jaunt; this time an elongated riff on last year’s blockbuster, “300.”

As if “300” wasn’t already a parody of itself.

As witnessed in the prior efforts from goofballs Seltzer and Friedberg, the “jokes” tend to punch out in a thousand different directions; most of the targets being the latest, fattest big screen hits, but also whatever happens to be cooking in the immediate pop culture stew. “Spartans” is no different, lampooning “Casino Royale,” “Happy Feet,” “Transformers,” “Ghost Rider,” and “Spider-Man 3,” while making room for Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan gags (absent panties, of course). There’s also considerable television game show ribbing with “Deal or No Deal,” “Dancing with the Stars,” and several “American Idol” stings.

It’s worth mentioning for the third year in a row that Friedberg and Seltzer are nitwits with no discernable filmmaking aptitude to speak of. Their movies are grotesque menageries of monotonous moronic mumbling; it’s cinema for the pea-brained who find Larry the Cable Guy too “challenging.” The filmmakers obviously know this, but they insist on aiming as low as they can: pointing out every single reference like total clods and dodging genuine wit as though they owed it money. “Spartans” is a new low even for these diseased buffoons, piling on the excrement and genital humor while turning sections of the picture into literal commercials, for the likes of Subway, Dentyne, Budweiser and Gatorade. They’re not even trying to hide it, folks: this feature film HAS COMMERCIALS IN IT.

The main thrust of “Spartans” is the “300” parody, and the depth of cleverness can be summed up easily: gay, gay, and more gay. While the visual extremity is another facet of “300” that “Spartans” likes to poke with a stick, the feature is made up almost entirely of variations on the homosexual subtext of Zack Snyder’s original film. Here, the Spartans prance around, greet each other with kisses, and boogie to “I Will Survive.” “Spartans” really clings tight to the gay panic material, to a point where franchise regular Carmen Electra (as the Spartan queen) has found herself with a major role in this picture, perhaps as a way to offer comfort to the pre-teens who can’t stomach the trite homophobic humor.

It’s a sad day when Carmen Electra, slithering around the movie with next to nothing on, can’t even brighten up a solitary moment of this repugnant film.

“Spartans” looks awfully cut-rate too. Not that “Epic Movie” and “Date Movie” were sprawling Dino De Laurentiis productions, but at least they had locations and outdoors to play with. “Spartans” is almost completely contained on one claustrophobic set, and the special effects aren’t even rendered properly. So not only is this film is monumentally unfunny nightmare, it’s a half-finished, unsightly nightmare as well. Way to go, Friedberg and Seltzer.

It’s telling that the directors are possibly running dry of ideas by the shocking 68-minute run time of “Spartans” (without the purposefully bloated end credits). Perhaps that’s why the film makes fun of such prehistoric topics as “American Idol,” “Grand Theft Auto,” and Paris Hilton. I’m sure in the next movie the Great Chicago Fire of 1871, Benjamin Franklin, and the Dave Clark Five will receive quite the big screen roasting.

It has been proven that nonsensical references to popular entertainment and poop jokes can bring in the big bucks on opening weekend, and heaven help me, I’m sure “Meet the Spartans” will follow suit. Teenagers and single men are funny like that. For the rest of you with a soul and a brain to boot (unlike Friedberg and Seltzer), don’t you dare go near this insulting parade of rubbish. Send your ticket money to a charity; they could probably scrounge up a more pleasurable 68 minutes of entertainment.

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originally posted: 01/25/08 21:10:16
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User Comments

12/21/15 dfd Nothing clever 1 stars
11/10/11 matthew thompson dalldorf Chris: He did 'May' as well! Anyway, fuck this movie. Fuck it hard. 1 stars
8/16/11 chris Oh god Ken Davitan should of known better, he did Borat for god's sakes. 1 stars
9/22/10 bored mom Maybe it's watchable if you're really drunk, but you'd still feel your IQ draining away. 1 stars
6/21/09 George (DUKE) I wonder if any of these actors will ever work again...a few laffs very few 2 stars
6/11/09 CTT Racist, homophobic, stupid, and offensively pathetic 1 stars
3/16/09 Josie Cotton is a goddess You could write an entire book titled, 'Why Meet The Spartans doesn't work' 2 stars
1/16/09 X THIS. ISN'T. FUNNY!!! (kicks TV over) 1 stars
1/15/09 FrankNFurter This movie actually made me get dysentery. I don't think that's a good sign... 1 stars
1/10/09 Shawn The start was funny, and then the sh*tfest began. WORST...MOVIE...EVER 1 stars
12/30/08 blarginbadigalnohif Anyone who likes this piece of shit should literally FUCK THEIR OWN FACE! 1 stars
8/30/08 David More of a home video made by some juvenile kids than an actual movie. 1 stars
8/28/08 teenager please, movie reviewers, stop blaming teenagers for this shit, it makes us look bad 1 stars
7/20/08 John Millheim Corny movie, some parts were funny 3 stars
7/09/08 Totir Alexandru Very funny. I laughed a lot watching it :D 4 stars
6/12/08 Wolfrider Pretty crappy but with SOME mildly funny -- how did they talk Sorbo into this 2 stars
5/10/08 fuck this movie THIS MOVIE WAS A PIECE OF SHIT! 1 stars
4/25/08 The Velcro Warlock Yes, Cheryl, Carmen Electra's a dizzyingly underrated actress, but this logjam is hit&miss. 3 stars
4/14/08 jake it was awsome, but not as good as epic movie or the scary movie series 4 stars
4/12/08 Cheryl Mayfield Pretty Crappy, but hearing Carmen Electra talk about her urine sample was worth it. 2 stars
3/27/08 SamanthaPayntr this was like a REALLY LONG MadTV skit, 2 stars
3/20/08 Joris I can't believe i wasted an hour watching this crap. 1 stars
3/18/08 mike Worst film ever made!! dont waste your time or money. 1 stars
3/17/08 Zachary Very meh, not nearly as good as the Scary Movies. 2 stars
3/15/08 Anthony Feor Probably the worst movie ever made. 1 stars
3/06/08 jimmy someone have these people assasinated, along with those who found this entertaining 1 stars
3/03/08 Rupert Wow! I downloaded this shite and still feel ripped off! Writers - Go kill yourselves! 1 stars
2/14/08 drewl If you're thinking of watching this, do yourself a favor, and take a nap 1 stars
2/14/08 Clark Yep, this movie did suck so much, cheap peice of shit. 1 stars
2/13/08 elisa perkins It wasn't too horrible for a bad movie. 3 stars
2/09/08 Preston Poker I'm 32 years old and for the 1st time walked out on a movie. Spartans sucked this hard! 1 stars
2/03/08 Aaron fucken awesom so fucken funny 5 stars
2/03/08 Andy No more movies from Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg 1 stars
2/02/08 Ron20003 Donkey dick sucking can be dangerous. Best to stay away from this crap. 1 stars
2/02/08 Drew Couple of chuckles, but thats it. 1 stars
2/01/08 kl. this movie sucks my dick like a donkey 1 stars
2/01/08 dave F*ck you haters you have no humor at all 5 stars
1/31/08 Donald D There's always a handfull of MORONS who rate CRAP like this highly... 1 stars
1/30/08 Seen it, loved it! You guys are getting paid to slam it! This is a great movie and starts rlly funny! 4 stars
1/29/08 Rhysesmum 5 year old writters were the only ones NOT on strike at the time, mebe. 5 stars
1/29/08 Total Crap i predict this is the worst movie of '08 and it's only January. Thank god I didn't pay. 1 stars
1/29/08 Ronald Goosingthumb would have been 5 stars if they didn't skimp so much in the fart joke dept. 4 stars
1/29/08 Winky Stinkfinger thiz movie wuz aweeesome! 2 funny for u haters i guess! i kinda liked epic movie more tho.. 5 stars
1/29/08 haha i saw this with my dad it was the worstt movie in history nothing was funny at all not even stupid funny 1 stars
1/28/08 bill listen carefully if you enjoyed this movie you are a m-o-r-o-n,really your i.q. must be >50 1 stars
1/28/08 Navid Is the male on male kissing hot, at least? I'll never watch it, but I'm curious. 1 stars
1/28/08 Ben Fredette I wish I was never born... no further comments. 1 stars
1/28/08 Jimmy John After thinking about it, I'm going back to the theater to demand my money back...that bad!! 1 stars
1/28/08 Naurto Britney and Antonio's parents should have aborted them. 1 stars
1/28/08 m you say teens will go see this movie? stop underestimating us NOONE i know wants to see it! 1 stars
1/28/08 Steve They make these movies because they know dumbfucks will watch them. 1 stars
1/28/08 brent reitz Why dont the producers understand WE DONT THINK ITS FUNNY!!!! 1 stars
1/28/08 Richard I want my 65 minutes back! Worst movie in history. 1 stars
1/27/08 Daniel Extremly dissappointed. Cant believe wasted my money. 1 stars
1/27/08 Raven Not the best, not the worst, decently funny, yet commercials are not in the movie. 3 stars
1/27/08 Jeffrey Gardner Anybody seen Kentucky Fried Movie? 1 stars
1/27/08 Daniel I Am Legend was funnier then this shit 1 stars
1/27/08 Absolute crap. Someone forgot to hire writers. 1 stars
1/27/08 Raven A complete waste of time. Not funny! 1 stars
1/27/08 John The only ones laughing are the makers of this trash…all the way 2 the bank. 1 stars
1/27/08 Britney Extremely funny, i was laughing so loud i wet my pants. 5 stars
1/27/08 Dude who saw Meet the Spartans Wow this movie is sooooo garbage.The funniest parts aren't even that funny... 1 stars
1/26/08 Brooke wow deffinetly the worst movie ive seen..i left shortly into it lol 1 stars
1/26/08 Orwells Language Essay The writing is fine. Grow up, Joseph 1 stars
1/26/08 The first movie I walked out on. I couldn't even last twenty minutes before walking out. apparently half the movie! 1 stars
1/26/08 Dana Awful, unfunny, not good. Sad. Would have had more satisfaction throwing money in trash 1 stars
1/26/08 Antonio F*ck the haters; this movie rocked 5 stars
1/26/08 Jade Movie? That was supposed to be a movie..? puke' 1 stars
1/26/08 McKEnzie THIS WAS SO GAY!!! WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY! 1 stars
1/26/08 joseph I agree Spartans sucks, but this guys a terrible critic. Try reading Orwells language essay 1 stars
1/26/08 L The worst movie ever! 1 stars
1/26/08 Brian's Mom Viva la Brian! 1 stars
1/26/08 Jcat Looks like the Proactiv generation will make this crap hole #1 this weekend. 1 stars
1/26/08 matt 1 star is being generous to this movie. 1 stars
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  25-Jan-2008 (PG-13)
  DVD: 03-Jun-2008



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