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Overall Rating
1.75

Awesome: 1.69%
Worth A Look: 5.08%
Average: 17.8%
Pretty Bad: 16.95%
Total Crap58.47%

10 reviews, 58 user ratings


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Astronaut's Wife, The
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by Scott Weinberg

"A 2-hour blank stare."
1 stars

This movie is so damn slow, I think I got younger as I watched it. What is it with these pretentious big-budget "thrillers"? Why are they so afraid to actually try and scare people? There was so little that went on, I was afraid I would have trouble coming up with stuff to say about it, but as soon as the lights went up, and I woke up, I was ready to go.

BBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!


Webster defines the word boring as follows:

Dull, slow and uneventful. Big, black, bitch pointless, and drab.

That's what I call a definition, and it certainly applies to this movie. Johnny Depp (obviously eager to break out of the string of quality roles he's been getting) is an astronaut with blond streaks who has a "blackout" (see: plot device) during a very 'run-of-the-mill' outer space expidition. When he comes back, he certainly seems normal. Well, as normal as we can expect, since we had maybe 12 seconds of his character before he is blasted into space.

Anyway, he starts acting weird, staring at his wife's belly and smirking. The Astronaut's Wife is played by Charlize Theron who is impersonating Mia Farrow, and she does a good job of looking pretty, then scared, then confused, running the gamut of emotions back to pretty. She is soon pregnant with twins, and if you don't know where we're (slowly) headed by now, you should be renting more good movies, and less time reading about this crap movie.

I'd mention a few good supporting actors and a few creepy scenes that do indeed stand out, but they simply don't exist. I began to get the feeling that this was a really long music video that they decided to add dialogue to. (No offense to the word dialogue.) The Astronaut's Wife slowly begins to realize that her husband is...different! I couldn't tell, except that Depp's Elvis impression dipped a little into 'Gomer Pyle' country.

I really hated this one. To try and excite sci-fi fans with studio doody like this really steams my clams. There is absolutely nothing here to recommend, although the end credits were a wonderful experience.

Two idiots act weird for two hours, one attempts a self-abortion with pills (nice scene, guys), and an alien presence that looks like Aqua-Fresh toothpaste shows up before the ridiculously familiar ending (OOOOH, Spoiler!). Soap operas and science fiction don't mix and never will.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=1711&reviewer=128
originally posted: 09/17/99 13:55:40
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User Comments

8/15/13 PAUL SHORTT GLOSSY BUT DERIVATIVE 1 stars
3/05/11 Edge Zole Suspenseful and creepy, but without Johnny Depp and young Sprouses, it would be nothing. 3 stars
1/18/10 babette Theron dances barefoot ON TIPTOE...only in Hollowood. 1 stars
2/16/09 Samantha Pruitt at least Johnny was hot in it! 2 stars
7/28/08 The Dork Knight Depp is definitely slumming it 1 stars
1/09/08 Billy Banana It passes a few hours comfortably, but I probably won't watch it again. 3 stars
1/05/08 Pamela White suspenseful and interesting 4 stars
10/24/07 Ivana Mann The modern-day "Plan 9 from Outer Space"...but less funny.Much less. 1 stars
10/03/06 Kris Mleczko Utterly boring and pointless. It stole thirty minutes of my life. 1 stars
5/26/06 Michele johnny is always entertaining 4 stars
5/07/06 dionwr Haven't seen it 3 stars
5/05/06 Uri Lessing Didn't see 3 stars
5/02/06 PaulBryant haven't caught it yet 3 stars
5/02/06 Ryan_A Rand Ravich? (haven't seen it) 3 stars
5/02/06 EricDSnider It's been a while, but I think I liked this movie 4 stars
5/02/06 David Cornelius ----- 3 stars
5/02/06 William Goss A loathesome flick. 1 stars
5/02/06 HBS-SH I'm all outta bubble gum! 1 stars
4/13/06 anthonyuk utter predictable garbage 1 stars
2/14/06 Anthony Feor A waste of space 1 stars
12/19/05 Bree I think I only love this film cuz of Depp and Theron. In the vein of Rosemary's Baby. 5 stars
8/18/05 ES hey its that blonde chick from that movie! 1 stars
4/27/04 blazin beauty bad but johnny's took care of it! 4 stars
4/20/04 X just terrible 1 stars
3/10/04 Ash Powerful, outstanding, suspenseful and riveting! 5 stars
2/09/04 Whatevr Not even the MST3000 crew would watch this. 1 stars
1/22/04 American Slasher Goddess Godawful crap. 1 stars
7/28/03 Nicole Without a doubt, the worst movie Johnny Depp has ever made! 2 stars
6/08/03 Pepper Jones Charlize Theron could be a block of concrete for all I know 3 stars
5/12/03 Jack Bourbon Like the 1st draft of a project that was scrapped due to the poorness of the 1st draft. 1 stars
1/01/03 Jack Sommersby Makes "Species 2" look like "Alien". 1 stars
10/16/02 Charles Tatum Ground control to major bomb 2 stars
8/14/02 Michael Carruthers Totally unclimactic, but suspenseful and entertaining enough for me most of the time. 3 stars
7/27/02 I Can't Swim Nice to see Samantha Eggar, aside from that this eats dogshit 1 stars
6/25/02 in space, no one can hear you scream Depp fucks like a jackrabbit on angel dust and, well, blah.Go see Rosemary's Baby instead. 2 stars
5/27/02 Nicole Awful movie.....ends up like some cheesy horror flick. 2 stars
3/10/02 Pepper Jones Charlize Theron could be a block of concrete for all I know 3 stars
2/17/02 Mark Lloyd Three words: Glacial Ambiguous (or perhaps Anemic?) Plot. 1 stars
1/31/02 Joy St. John Burns I liked it.The movie had alot of really good angles, but the ending could of been better. 4 stars
1/13/02 Andrew Carden Not Too Bad Actually. It Had A Fairly Nice Premise. 3 stars
6/27/01 This movie sucks don't waste your money It thoroughly insulted my intelligence, and I'm a hick from Kansas 1 stars
6/13/01 blap The script is terrible, predictable and the movie goes downhill from there 1 stars
6/12/01 *~Danielle*Ophelia~* (formerly KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi) The best thing about this movie was the popcorn fight my friends started in the theater. 1 stars
6/03/01 Thrillhouse vapid, schlocky, worse than Supernova. I feel sorry for Depp in a bad movie like this. 1 stars
4/20/01 Melissa Ramos Bad, bad, bad movie - into the bowels of hell you go. 1 stars
2/22/01 trashstar i really enjoyed the start. The ending was incredibly cliched and predictable. No depth. 3 stars
8/17/00 Elvisfan Started off too slow,then the delivery was stupid. Rare career mistake for Depp. 2 stars
7/24/00 Tyler Peterson If you have this movie throw it in a fire as quickly as you can. 1 stars
2/29/00 fire-n-ice slow boring could have been better!!!!! 3 stars
2/27/00 Dana Scully *zzzzzzzzzzzzzz* Huh what? It's over? Great. 2 stars
11/11/99 bruno martin not so bad 3 stars
10/20/99 Lame-Oh haha, a crappy movie 1 stars
10/04/99 Suckit Hopeless. 1 stars
10/01/99 Nelle It wasn't a BAD movie, the ending screwed everything up. Johnny Depp makes up for a lot. 4 stars
9/20/99 Admiral Crunch Worse than Species and Virus. I've seen better on The X-Files. 1 stars
9/13/99 Mr Showbiz Houston, we have a problem. It's an utterly predictable rip-off. 1 stars
9/09/99 azzad could have been good, the ending was a letdown 3 stars
9/04/99 agustin rosemary's baby + species = a badly done movie 2 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  27-Aug-1999 (R)

UK
  N/A

Australia
  04-Nov-1999


Directed by
  Rand Ravich

Written by
  Rand Ravich

Cast
  Johnny Depp
  Charlize Theron
  Joe Morton
  Tom Noonan
  Blair Brown
  Nick Cassavetes
  Clea DuVall



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