Worth A Look: 14.6%
Pretty Bad: 11.93%
Total Crap: 27.02%
30 reviews, 834 user ratings
|Blair Witch Project, The
OMIGOD! WHAT'S THAT NOISE?? Um. It's the sound of your movie sucking. Seriously, no movie in history has deserved to hit Mystery Science Theater more than this one.Three filmmakers get "undeniably and inexplicably" lost in the woods in Maryland!
"All hail the power of marketing! *spoilers*"
Watch them as they descend into unimaginable horror!
Uh, or unimaginable stupidity, take your pick. The "inexplicably" lost part is easy to explain; it's pretty clear from the outset that a) none of these people has so much as spent a night in the forest before, and b) not one of them knows how to read a topographical map. Did anyone bother to read "How to Stay Alive in the Woods", or did they just bring that along because it looks cool?
Hey, I hear something outside my tent that sounds like a nasty, cackling old woman! It's probably the nine hundred year old serial killer we're trying to find! Let's go check it out! Uh, sure, guys. GREAT idea.
Hey, it's really cold out, and there are lots of nasty things around, but let's NOT build a fire, because if the nasty woman comes back, I'd rather deal with her when I'm cold and wet, and can't see her!
Gosh, something's attacking our tent! It's probably the Blair Witch! Couldn't possibly be a squirrel going after my last granola bar or anything, really.
Golly, Josh disappeared last night, right out of the tent! Maybe the Blair Witch got him! Yeah, or maybe he went to find a real movie to work on...
Hey, let's argue about where civilization is! Let's argue while we listen to this airplane go overhead! Let's argue so much that we ignore the airplane!
Well, now we have to get home, so we need to travel in a straight line until we hit a landmark. I say we head north. "North" in this case, means go straight a little bit and turn a little to the left, go straight a little more and turn a little more to the left, and repeat the above steps. Then we'll get really upset when we find we've gone in a circle, and blame it on the Blair Witch. DUH.
If this one did show up on MST3K, the point-the-camera-at-my-face scene that we all know from the trailers would go something like this:
(Hey, wipe your nose!)
"I'm so sorry." (sorry that you made this awful film?)
"I just want to apologize to my mom" (for making you sit through this crap. Hi, mom!)
"And to Mike's mom, and Josh's mom" (they're too embarassed to apologize in person)
"It's all my fault." (The director is paying me to say that, he knows damned well whose fault it is)
Honestly, you could re-shoot this movie in a four-room apartment, and it would be just about as believable and almost as scary.I'm going to get a camera. I'm going to come up with a "fresh" filmmaking idea. I'm going to shoot the worst movie in film history. I'm going to hype the hell out of it, and I'm going to make a hundred million dollars.
link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=1713&reviewer=74
originally posted: 10/26/99 01:10:35
|Trilogy Starters: For more in the Trilogy Starters series, click here.