Worth A Look: 8.16%
Pretty Bad: 2.04%
Total Crap: 71.43%
3 reviews, 31 user ratings
|Eye See You
by Andrew Howe
Freedom of speech is a wonderful thing, but I wouldn’t expect anyone to accept my counsel without question. It’s just one man’s opinion, and if I’m advising you to avoid a film like the proverbial plague you’re entitled to a reasonable explanation. However, in the case of D-Tox (a.k.a. Eye See You) I don’t need opinions, because the facts speak for themselves.The Moviegoing Public vs The Creators of D-Tox: Edited transcript of the evidence for the prosecution.
"A long time coming, but not nearly long enough"
Fact #1 – Filming wrapped on May 27, 1999. Considering the number of execrable films released in the intervening period, D-Tox’s failure to secure a US distribution deal must say something about the quality of the finished product.
(Permissible speculation - why Australian audiences have been graced with its presence is anybody’s guess, but if it plays to packed houses our American brethren may be next on the list. This makes avoiding the film a potentially humanitarian endeavour, and puts the lie to the notion that good deeds don’t come cheap.)
Fact #2 – The film stars Sylvester Stallone. To the best of my knowledge, nobody’s touting it as another Cop Land.
Fact #3 – This is a list of the major crew members, with selected highlights from their resumes:
Jim Gillespie (Director) – I Know What You Did Last Summer.
Gary Wissner (Production Designer) – I Know What You Did Last Summer.
Steve Mirkovich (Editor) – I Know What You Did Last Summer.
Catherine Adair (Costume Designer) – I Know What You Did Last Summer.
Maybe it’s just me, but there seems to be a pattern forming here.
Fact #4 – The plot revolves around Jake Malloy (Stallone), a cop charged with tracking down a serial killer. The delectable Dina Meyer plays his girlfriend, but don’t worry if you’re not a fan, because we’re only ten minutes into the film before she’s wearing a noose for a necklace. Stallone deals with his loss by hitting the bars, and in short order he’s shipped off to a detox unit for disillusioned cops. Once he’s been introduced to the rest of the cast (Kris Kristofferson, Tom Berenger, Robert Patrick and a bunch of actors you’ve never heard of), a storm conveniently arrives to make passage to civilisation impossible. Before you can say “slasher film masquerading as a thriller”, bodies start piling up around Malloy’s hungover head. Approximately sixty minutes later, the film ends.
Fact #5 – D-Tox is Ron L. Brinkerhoff’s first screenplay. I’d suggest that … (subjective assessment of Brinkerhoff’s writing abilities stricken from the record).
Fact #6 – A non-judgemental review of certain key plot points:
Q. - Given that the detox unit is slap-bang in the middle of nowhere, why didn’t anyone lay in a means of communicating with the outside world to supplement those annoyingly brittle landlines?
A. - I don’t know.
Q. – A cop’s instinctive reaction to danger is to call for backup, so why do the patients insist on wandering off to look for the killer alone?
A. – I don’t know.
Q. – How does establishing your business in an abandoned military bunker that looks more like a prison than a hospital aid in the rehabilitation of recovering alcoholics?
A. – I don’t know.
Q. – Why does Polly Walker’s character think she can take down a killer unarmed, when there’s a bunch of seasoned veterans swinging from the rafters who had a better chance on a bad day than she’ll have on her best?
A. – I don’t … well, actually, I do. It’s because the formula demands it, and I’ll leave it to you to decide whether the slasher-flick blueprint is one of the film industry’s finer creations.
Fact #7 – Tom Berenger, the man who gave new meaning to naked hostility in Platoon, plays a zero-I.Q. handyman who spends most of the film wandering around with a gormless look on his mug. Some might call this a criminal waste of talent, but I’m pleased to report that Kris Kristofferson, the man who gave new meaning to studious vapidity in the remake of Planet of the Apes, is perfectly cast as a studiously vapid philanthropist (you call it opinion, I call it fact).
Fact #8 – The studio wants to recoup its investment, but who is the marketing department supposed to target? Teenagers are the prime market for slasher flicks, but none of the cast members are known to appeal to a younger crowd. Stallone fans want action, but there isn’t any. Older audiences want a thriller, but they don’t want Stallone. Burger King wants a tie-in, but serial-killer action figures don’t sell Whoppers. If you think you know the answer, you’re one-up on whoever greenlighted the film.
Fact #9 – If your definition of “nasty, gratuitous violence” includes halfway-decent characters copping drill bits to the cranium, wearing fire axes as fedoras and blubbering like little girls when crazed psychos put guns to their heads and tell them their days of walking this Earth are at an end, then D-Tox features plenty of nasty, gratuitous violence to go with your triple-choc cone and king-sized soda.
Fact #10 – Film reviews were never meant to represent objective reporting, which gives me license to say this:D-Tox is a profoundly stupid affair, populating its hackneyed and meanspirited storyline with cardboard characters and performers who value cash above credibility. Two years in limbo is considerably less than it deserves, and its crimes against common sense will have even the most well-adjusted viewers reaching for the bottle. They say you shouldn’t drink to forget, but there’s some memories we can definitely live without.
link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=1778&reviewer=193
originally posted: 01/26/02 16:44:27