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Overall Rating
3.01

Awesome: 10.34%
Worth A Look43.68%
Average: 8.05%
Pretty Bad: 12.64%
Total Crap: 25.29%

14 reviews, 90 user ratings


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U-571
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by MP Bartley

"History 101 for inbred, red-neck, trailer trash."
1 stars

I've a great idea for a movie. It's about a guy (we'll get Hugh Grant!) from London who joins the British Space Agency and becomes the first man on the moon to worldwide acclaim in 1960. No? How about a scathing biopic of George Washington casting him as a pederast? No? Ok...how's about the War of Independence, but you'll love this...BRITAIN WIN! No? Well why not, they'd fit right in with the history lesson that's 'U-571'.

When 'Pearl Harbor' was released apart the general critical lashing there was scathing criticism that the sailors who had died there had simply been transformed into CGI money shots to be flung across the screen and make the inbred among the audience go "Cool!". 'U-571' plays to that same crowd and treats the dead in that same 'respectful' manner.

So in the parallel world that is 'U-571' in 1940 a bunch of American sailors led by Matthew McConaughey and Harvey Keitel capture a German sub and the Enigma coding device on board.
This device was crucial to the Allies war effort and was instrumental in the eventual downfall of the Nazi. Well they got that bit true. The rest however is vomit-inducing horse shit.

The Americans didn't capture the Enigma device, the British navy did. It was the British who pulled off such a daring capture. It was British women and children who were told that their husbands and fathers wouldn't be coming home because they lost their lives capturing this sub. And the film 'U-571' pisses all over their graves.

The Americans hadn't even entered the war at this stage, to make it even more inexcusable. Pearl Harbor was 3 months away. Did the Americans capture an Enigma device? Yes they did...in 1944, three years later. But nevermind historical truth and the memories and familys of dead sailors and the survivors of the mission we've got popcorn to sell! Why exactly has this greatest historical inaccuracy ever been committed? Firstly, the director Jonathan Mostow is a moron with no tact, guilt or sense of shame. Luckily for him that no-one takes him seriously and that the families of the dead conducted themselves in much more class than he ever did.

Secondly, the majority of the popcorn guzzling, cola-drinkin' American audience are probably idiots who think Dubious Dubya is a 'stand-up regular kinda guy. It's these type of people that give America a bad name, as they just can't stand to see another country or army take the rightful credit for their actions in World War 2. Hey America won the war by itself didn't you know? Nevermind a bothersome thing like 'truth,' if America didn't win it...it didn't happen. And I've heard rumour that Jesus Christ was a Texan and that Abraham Lincoln invented water.

Most fans of 'U-571' will at this stage be thinking, "it's only a movie" and I'm halfway inclined to agree wth them. 'Braveheart' twisted the facts and history just as much for it's own end, but there's a crucial difference: a) 'Braveheart' never took credit for something heroic AWAY from somebody and b) 'Braveheart' was done with style and panache. This is something you can't level at 'U-571'. Mostow's direction is as sterile and cliched as his history is false. This is no 'Das Boot'? Hell, it's no 'K-19 The Widowmaker'. Big, clanging pipes, sudden leaks, last minute sacrifices to fix a broken screw or something, it's as cliche-ridden as it is rust-ridden. Mostow has no clue as to how to engineer tension and just falls back on cramped interiors in the belief that small sets create tension by themselves.

His cast are also lost at sea. McConaughey strides around desperately trying to remind people he was one thought of as the new Tom Cruise. He was bad in 'Reign of Fire' but at least he was so over-the-top you could laugh at him. Here, he's just bad and taking it seriously which comes across as just a little bit camp. I'd like to throw him in a room with a real survivor from the U-571 mission and see who'd win in a fight. I'd put money on the old man. The worst performance is reserved for Keitel however, as the old experienced sailor. His dialogue consists of sentences like "I'm a sea-dog, I need my salt. Ooo-arr me hearties! A parrot on my shoulders and a bottle of rum! Ooo-arr ooo-arr!". Johnny Depp in 'Pirates of the Caribbean' would be more convincing as a World War Two sailor. Although I am tempted to give it another star because it stars Jon Bon Jovi...and kills him in a really nasty way.

The rest of the cast are purely filler, taking the normal cliched roles of 'young man pining for love back home', 'young man destined to die obviously' and 'young man destined to die obviously #2'

Frankly, a film like 'U-571' is a big clue as why a lot of the world doesn't like America. It's like a big kid who doesn't want to share its toys. It won't let someone else have something if it can't have it for itself - a metaphor for both this film and America's attitude on a larger scale. A sickening twisting and disregard for the truth, 'U-571' deserves nothing more than your total contempt. And that's one truth they can't distort.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=1812&reviewer=293
originally posted: 05/22/04 01:02:17
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User Comments

8/16/12 Ding Dong Awesome actioner with good production values. Who cares about accuracy. 4 stars
10/01/08 Shaun Wallner I really enjoyed this film. 5 stars
6/18/07 al smith fucking shit it was the brits who got the enigma not the fucking yanks 1 stars
4/19/07 Stevo UK America did a lot in the war. But the way some directors on its as if no-one else fought... 3 stars
11/25/06 David Pollastrini great action 4 stars
9/08/06 Thomas Semesky Nothing really exciting here. 3 stars
6/11/06 Dave Webber Nice little drama - if you don't take it too serious 4 stars
1/09/06 Steven Lewis Lots of goofs, it still has a strong message and a power fictional story. Great film. 3 stars
6/10/05 JD Distorting history for this lame movie, they should be so proud. 1 stars
4/25/05 Quigley an awesome story with suspenseful action. I'll never enter a sub, and that's OK with me 5 stars
8/28/04 Aaron Smith best sub movie I've seen 4 stars
6/19/04 Denise Duspiva wanted more story 3 stars
5/22/04 Monster W. Kung I piss on this movie. 1 stars
5/22/04 Idiot's Mouth This reviewer seems to be saying he WANTS McCaunaghey to try a British accent. ? . ?. 1 stars
12/08/03 john I hate to agree with an antisemitic moron but this movie just badly ripps off DAS BOOT 1 stars
12/04/03 tom MAy not be historically accurate but good movie!! 4 stars
8/28/03 Ameray Coland This move is FALSE about ENIGMA History. Jewish David Ayer do NOT KNOW history !!! 1 stars
4/01/03 Jack Sommersby Predictable, but it works. 3 stars
3/21/03 May Q. Horney Decent Submarine movie, not as good as CRIMSON TIDE or K-19 THE WIDOWMAKER. 4 stars
2/26/03 y2mckay nothing special, but an enjoyable sub action flick. It ain't DAS BOOT, but what is? 4 stars
2/16/03 Angolmois Shamelessly rips off both history and other sub-movies. A bit better than a lobotomy. 1 stars
1/04/03 freewaygl great testerone flick for women who like men in action!~! Yah! 4 stars
12/02/02 R.W. Welch Good actioner though somewhat overblown and historically inaccurate 3 stars
10/27/02 Ollie Charles The best movie so far since Schindler's List 5 stars
7/26/02 Cizin IthoughtitwasCanadianswhocaputerdthesubbutwewereunderbritiansruleatthetimeright 4 stars
7/01/02 Fredrik One of the very best WWII-films ever!!! 5 stars
4/30/02 Monster W. Kung Sucks. 1 stars
4/24/02 Charles Tatum Clicheed but enjoyable. 4 stars
4/09/02 Plexo movie blew monkey nuts. Writers apear to have been retarded. 1 stars
4/01/02 Marcus Did anyone else fight in WW2? So much for the true heros of the Royal Navy & the truth... 1 stars
2/21/02 Nevz Yet another example of the Yanks trying to rewrite history 1 stars
2/20/02 Xaver Quite clever. Nice special effects. 4 stars
11/27/01 sdfr kick ass! 4 stars
11/27/01 Jake Intense and thrilling. 5 stars
8/28/01 Phil M. Afficianado Not bad, really, but don't you get tired of the same chaotic scene 10 times over? Skip it. 3 stars
8/08/01 badfish Excellent,great story,great picture,awesome sound. 5 stars
7/31/01 Matthew Bartley No suspense, no accuracy...no anything 1 stars
7/04/01 Piz Ultimate guy flick complete with load bangs, action, and underdog rooting 4 stars
6/08/01 Peter Brook Good sense of timing from Mostow, nice special FX, it's a very predictable story, though. 4 stars
6/07/01 destney you are awsome not you suck 5 stars
6/02/01 sabrinacardin she thinksyour cool 2 stars
5/28/01 Dean Like Hollywood didn't insult the UK enough with The Patriot. This movie is pure feces. 1 stars
3/26/01 Big Blackie Fuckin' cool movie!! Depth changes were awesome! A must see!! 5 stars
3/13/01 Stuart Wright Is it just make up history time. Shall britain make a film saying we droped the atom bomb. 1 stars
2/25/01 jeroen Saw it yesterday......it's about boots or somethin,isn't it? 1 stars
2/06/01 Classicdog Suspense,action, depth charges, what a great sub. film. 4 stars
2/02/01 Matthew Bartley Think I'll make a film about the first moon landings starring Hugh Grant and Jude Law... 1 stars
1/23/01 scorekeeper Great movie, but can be very confusing. 4 stars
1/09/01 Jessica it was sooo good. Matthew McConaughey is do fucking hot!! 5 stars
12/10/00 BrittenysPears I wasen't looking for a history lesson here - the movie is very entertaining!!! 5 stars
12/01/00 Winston Churchill You know it was the U.K. who retrieved the Engima? This was like a bad A-Team adventure! 1 stars
11/20/00 Nick Exciting, Suspenseful, Rent it You wont' regret it 5 stars
11/06/00 Dave Great movie! McConauhey gives an exceptional performance 5 stars
10/19/00 Gremlin Kick ass movie, ther were a few parts that were a little fucked up but over all very neato 5 stars
10/17/00 Jack Laller great movie 5 stars
10/12/00 Monday Morning So you like "made in El-Kabong Hong Kong" action flicks better? This is great. 5 stars
8/15/00 Chickiepoo Long live Jon Bon Jovi!! Too bad he ws in this waste of film. Stoners SUCK! 1 stars
7/18/00 Matthew Bartley The USA did steal an enigma-but not until 3 years after the film! Utter shite 1 stars
7/11/00 pancreas great movie, i docked it one star because there were no naked chicks 4 stars
5/22/00 Obi Wan Defn8ly a guy flik!! Action,shit blowin' up, death...what more could you want? 4 stars
5/21/00 gwalla Top-notch suspense.The USA stole an Enigma too. So it's not 100% accurate, it's fiction!!! 5 stars
5/20/00 Steve Kelley I'm a guy. Bombs, water, fear, heroism, loudness. The formula works for a reason. 4 stars
5/14/00 JJF Falsifies history without batting an eyelid. Don't support this crap. 1 stars
5/13/00 Add It shits on the good soilders who died for our freedom. I urge u not to c this! 1 stars
5/10/00 Travis good action, predictable story 4 stars
5/05/00 tony just wanted more at the ending. there wasnt enough closure. 4 stars
4/30/00 Heather Another titanic movie that pisses around with the truth 1 stars
4/29/00 Ayesha Cross Regardless who actually happened, America always won the war - what bullshit! 1 stars
4/26/00 Matthew Bartley Fucking disgusting. This was a British operation it was 7 months later when USA entered war 1 stars
4/26/00 Marcus West Does abyone care for historical facts in this BS of a movie? 1 stars
4/26/00 XT Wanna see this one on DVD. Maybe it'll make a li'l more sense. Very interesting, though. 4 stars
4/25/00 PhilmPhreak A bit obvious, but damn good - excellent sound! 4 stars
4/25/00 Captain Highcrime Good for action but don't be basing any college history papers on this one. 4 stars
4/25/00 Matt Sabian Excellent!!!! A Das Boot contender! 5 stars
4/25/00 Maclay01 85db volume required the director - the theatres listened and the audience covered our ears 4 stars
4/25/00 Obi Wan Best flick I've seen in a awhile...it did entertain and had it's moments. Worth admission 4 stars
4/25/00 bobber Not a bad movie, but didn't know who Jon Bon Jovi was either. 4 stars
4/24/00 Negative Much better than given credit for. That says alot. Good film. 4 stars
4/24/00 Kevin Cho, movie-buff Absolutely NO character development - everything else was ripped off. POOR. 2 stars
4/24/00 Becky Read the book. All the heart and humor was cut out with Pete Emment's lines (Jon Bon Jovi). 3 stars
4/23/00 Matt It kept me in suspense. The acting was a little wooden at times, but overall it was good. 4 stars
4/23/00 Gavin Moore Any good American will love this, a throwback to 80's action films 4 stars
4/23/00 photogeek did they steal actual footage from Das Boot and make it suck? 2 stars
4/23/00 Z hey, it's more realistic than mission 2 mars... 4 stars
4/22/00 Matt Sabian Brilliant film, perfectly brought to life. End was a bit disappointing 5 stars
4/22/00 Joel Harwood is in tha house the peeps have spoken 1 stars
4/21/00 Joel Harwood Action with a predictable ending but what movie isn't 4 stars
4/21/00 Danny Sykes Predictable at times. Good twists in the plot 4 stars
4/18/00 Tony D'Amoto Pretty good action movie 4 stars
4/18/00 cofemug I laughed and laughed at the overall bad quality of the movie. 2 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  21-Apr-2000 (PG-13)
  DVD: 24-Oct-2000

UK
  N/A

Australia
  20-Apr-2000 (M)




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