Worth A Look: 13.73%
Pretty Bad: 4.48%
Total Crap: 3.43%
30 reviews, 490 user ratings
Yeah, I know, just what HBS needs: yet ANOTHER 5-star rave for 'American Beauty'. Really, is there anything more boring than review after review of people fawning over a movie? That's why for this, my first HBS review, I'm turning things over to my younger sister Veronica 'cause I believe she has a more interesting p.o.v. on the flick. I'll call her into the room now. Hey Veronica! VERONICA! Get yer ass in here already! Christ -- okay, here she comes.***
"Take my sister -- PLEASE! Heh, no, seriously."
Hi-ya, it's V-Tang in da house! Wuzzup! I swear, my brother's such a spaz. Okay, so, me and my like best friend in the whole world Leslie went to this movie with him. Normally I never go to movies with him because, you know, he's a geek, but since he started working at the theater he can get us in for free, so that's pretty cool I guess. Anyway, I'm glad I didn't have to pay to see this movie because it fucking sucked!
Just as the movie was starting Leslie said to me 'wouldn't it be cool if Josh was here?' and I was like totally 'yeah!' because Josh is this stud who I've sort of been flirting with for awhile. He's on the varsity football team and drives a kickass Jeep with a sound system that'll make your shorts ride up from a mile away. It's totally sweet. Anyway, Leslie and I went into the lobby and I called him up on Leslie's cellphone.
But it turns out him and his friends were on their way to a kegger down near Hermit's Peak. He asked if we wanted to meet them there and I was like 'hell yes! we'll be there'. On our way back into the theater we ran into Paula who is this total slut who stole my boyfriend last semester. I really hate her skank-whore guts! So anyway we stood and gossiped awhile. Then we saw some other people we knew. I swear, the 6-plex on weekends is like the quad during lunchbreak.
So we went back in and told my brother he had to give us a ride to Hermit's Peak. And he just kinda looks at me like I'm on crack and laughs and says 'forget it.' So I'm like 'this is important, Michael!' and Leslie backed me up saying 'yeah, it's not like you payed to watch the movie. you can watch it anytime you want' which I thought was an excellent point. But did he give us a ride? The prick!
Well, I wasn't gonna miss this kegger for anything so I flipped open the cellphone and frantically called Troy's house, but no answer. I dialed again. And again. No answer -- they must have left already! Damn! By this point I was getting pissed, so I called up my other best friend in the whole wide world Amber and pleaded with her to come pick us up and take us to Hermit's Peak. No luck though, she was grounded for the weekend ... turns out her mom caught Jesse fingerbanging her in her bedroom. Like, duh, that's what the lock is for! But I was glad I called her anyway, because it turns out the night before they were hanging out in front of the Q-Mart when this other skank-whore Brianna who I fucking hate, who totally thinks she's this badass chicano but ISN'T she's just poor white trash -- well, her and my best friend Jessica got into a huge hair-pulling fight and Jessica kicked her ass and practically cracked her skull open on the cement. Ha! Serves that bitch right!
Anyway, just when Amber's story was really getting good and me and Leslie are laughing our asses off, this couple behind us just totally 'SHHHH!' shushes us like they own the g.d. theater. Just when I was about to tell them to suck it, "TheMole" (God what a stupid name!) gives me this look like he's trying to make me spontaneously-combust or something. Psycho! So, fine, I told Amber I'd call her back. It was obvious we weren't gonna go to Hermit's Peak, so we decided to just kick back and watch the stupid movie.
As far as I know the movie starts with this couple going to their daughter's pep rally -- like, yeah, that's a real good way to start a movie. Dumbasses. Who in the hell were these people? Anyway, the father gets a big old boner for her daughter's friend and keeps imagining her naked in rose petals. What was up with the rose petals -- was this guy supposed to be a florist or something? Was it supposed to be a metaphor for how he wanted to "deflower" her? Whatever! It was stupid!
After giving us a few more psychotic looks my brother actually got up and moved to another part of the theater. Like I said, he's a complete spaz! So blah blah blah ... the "moody introspective" daughter falls in love with the "moody introspective" psycho next-door neighbor (who I'm sure my brother would get along with swimmingly). The psycho's a total perv who's always videotaping people through windows and dead animals and shit, and him and the daughter have a bonding moment when he shows her the most beautiful thing he's ever videotaped: a fucking trashbag blowing in the g.d. wind! I swear to God! I'm not even making this up! Leslie was all 'ooh, yeah, that's beautiful ... hey, look, there's some more trash over there! better start taping it, psycho-boy!' We were both cracking up.
And then -- AND THEN, GET THIS! -- the asshole sitting behind us leans over and says that if we don't shut the fuck up he's gonna have the manager kick us out. And then a bunch of other people started applauding him! Christ, some people are so rude. It's too bad Josh didn't come with us, he totally would have kicked that guy's ass. And as if that wasn't bad enough, the asshole's cunt-girlfriend then made some remark about how she could only see half the screen through our 'bigass hairsprayed dos'. Like, EXCUSE US for being stylish!
So blah blah blah this married couple is miserable and doesn't have sex blah blah blah. Who gives a rat ass! This was the worst fucking movie I've ever seen, bar non, but everyone else in the audience seemed really impressed because it was all "arty" and shit. Whatever. All I know is that my night was ruined because my SELFISH brother couldn't drag his sorry-ass out of the theater and give his little sister a ride, and a potentially beautiful night with Josh was lost because of it. Selfish prick! But oh well, next week or the week after that that "Three To Tango" Friends movie is coming out, and that looks totally good. American Beauty blew.
Hey, it's TheMole again. I can't believe my sister's one of *those* people, the ones that suddenly make you understand why it's legal to carry a conceiled weapon in states like Texas. (I bet audiences in Texas are real quiet and civil -- course it's probably because they're all packing heat and scared shitless of each other, but hey, whatever works!) Anywho, my sister obviously rated American Beauty 'sucks all ass' whereas I thought it was 'fucking awesome', so between the two of us I rated this movie 'just average,' though really I'm being too kind in even acknowledging any validity in her opinion -- but she came in my room and typed all that garbage out for an hour, so there you go. But if she thinks I'm ever taking her to the movies again, she's out of her frickin' gourd!!Hey, hey Meester, would you like to buy my sister?
link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=1852&reviewer=177
originally posted: 10/16/99 20:11:54