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Overall Rating

Awesome: 11.63%
Worth A Look: 4.65%
Average: 15.12%
Pretty Bad: 10.47%
Total Crap58.14%

3 reviews, 68 user ratings

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by Scott Weinberg

"Like paying to watch a 90-minute TV commercial...while being set on fire."
1 stars

I have a niece who is almost 12. Like most kids her age, she likes whatver TV shows, music and movies that all her schoolyard pals are into. Seeing as children are (by definition) inexperienced creatures (not to mention pretty dumb sometimes), it only stands to reason that on ocassion they will like CRAP. Crap like professional wrestling. Crap like Pokemon.

Bottom Line: This whole Pokemon thing is a pathetic and transparent marketing sham, masquerading (poorly) as entertainment. If you choose to look carefully (and I wouldn't recommend it), you may almost see the germ of a clever idea for a kid's program. Unfortunately, the end product is similar to watching a 90-minute commercial for a product that isn't all that appealing to begin with.

Imagine watching a promotional clip for a Happy Meal.

Imagine watching what a migraine headache looks like.

Imagine the shame you'll feel when your beautiful and intelligent offspring start behaving like mindless little drones; creatures now intent on only one thing: Collecting every piece of paper or plastic in the known universe that has something called Pikachu on it.

Yeah, I know that somehow this series has a very outspoken fanbase, and I risk certain Poke-Death by stating this, but this shit has got to stop. The first Pokemon film was released in 1999 with a sequel in 2000. Of course a third one is planned for later this year. While I can certainly expect the Japanese corporations to keep churning this swill out, I had hoped that American kids would have caught on to the scam by now.

I hesitate to use the word 'plot' in regard to this 'movie', but here's what I could ascertain: Evil guys kidnap good Pokemon. Evil guys try to duplicate Pokemon, with predictably poor results. The clones turn out to be (shudder) evil, and this opens the door for numerous pointless 'battles' between numerous pointless (but different colored!) Poke-things. One has spikes. He's called Rockackor and he's PokeMineral #232 and you can only buy him in Spokane. There's one made entirely of poop called FecaChu and he has special methane powers and you can only get this guy by sending in proofs of purchase for a cereal that they haven't made in 11 years.

What's probably the saddest thing about this whole shebang is that basically the animation sucks Japanese ass! I've seen lots of REAL "Anime" in my time (although I'm certainly no expert in that genre) and some of that stuff will melt your eyes out it's so cool. (Princess Mononoke and Akira come to mind.) The Pokemon animation looks exactly like the old Speed Racer show. And while Speed Racer was pretty damn cool for its era, that was like thirty frickin' years ago! Apparently the 'good' Japanese animators only work on movies in which animated young women get anally raped repeatedly by giant drooling pink tentacles. (Don't laugh...I've seen these movies.) For the kids' movies, the animation is apparently stuck in the sixties.

I don't want any emails from you freaks. If you're over the age of 10 and you voluntarily watch Pokemon, you're sheep. If you're going to be die-hard fans of some specific entertainment offering, you could at least choose something of quality. Start a Matthew Lillard fan club. Create a website devoted to the Police Academy movies. Shave your neck and sell the clippings on ebay as "Authentic Jennifer Lopez Pubic Hair". Just please...stop feeding this bloated and pathetic fad. It's over.

I don't think I've ever described a movie as 'artistically bankrupt in every conceivable fashion especially on weekdays', but I'm willing to make that distinction here. To all the parents out there: Just because your tots SCREAM for a certain product, that doesn't mean you HAVE to give it to them. Use your brains. You wouldn't feed your kids a plate of 'Processed Cheese Food' for dinner. Why would you allow them sit to through 90 minutes of 'Processed Animation Product' for entertainment? Is it THAT important to get your kids to shut up?

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originally posted: 03/28/01 09:00:14
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User Comments

6/30/14 Hi! Pokemon really was meaningless. 1 stars
5/14/13 Magenta Fantasies I liked it when I was 7; it still holds up at 19. 4 stars
3/13/12 Emon I never felt the least bit poked by it! 1 stars
2/08/10 John Shit review. One star for Mr. Reviewer. 1 stars
1/10/09 Shaun Wallner This movie was stupid! 1 stars
6/17/08 ilovepokemon I love it its a funny heart warming movie that shows a lot of compassion at the end. 5 stars
1/31/08 Wolfeyperson Dude I think Pokemon needs to die! This movie was WAY worst then the DIGIMON movie 1 stars
8/22/07 Dudette Pokemon is far too overated, I bet you taht the last episode is episode 100000000000000000 1 stars
8/19/07 little cody mew vs mewtwo is good little movie with great poke action 3 stars
6/12/07 shitface movie is averege but the show sucks 3 stars
4/18/07 Stevo UK ooh, look! little mutants that beat the shit out of each other. PETA should get involved. 1 stars
2/09/07 PokemonSux I agree with gray. Pokemon is so shitty and refried. They should get this shit off the air. 1 stars
11/30/06 Poke-a-Man it was ok 5 stars
10/27/06 sean scanlon gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay 1 stars
6/28/06 joe koski better than 2 and 3 4 stars
2/28/06 pokemon 4ever oi dont diss pokemon man 1 stars
1/17/06 cody the only good pokemon movie, good storyline, but more looking animation! 2 stars
12/20/05 Mark Radburn This movie is so awful. I don't want to see this crap movie again 1 stars
8/02/05 tatum Meh 3 stars
7/12/05 Eddie sux 1 stars
8/16/04 Gray the inventor of photography would kill himself if he saw this 1 stars
6/02/04 Sean Scanlan I like it when I saw it in 1999. 5 stars
5/27/04 DM Sean Scanlan, that doesn't say very much 1 stars
5/15/04 Sean Scanlan Better than the TV show 5 stars
5/04/04 Whatevr Kills brain cells faster than drinking rubbing alcohol 1 stars
4/29/04 nobody pokemon rules 1 stars
3/19/04 JJ I'd rather watch the Olson Twins than this garbage! 1 stars
2/18/04 Daveman Evil, spineless film making. Even those sad enouh to enjoy the TV series will hate this. 1 stars
11/17/03 pumpkin nigga this makes me want to lick a panda bear's huge hairy balls 5 stars
7/17/03 agent smith I'd rather take out my own appendix with a corkscrew than watch this shit 1 stars
6/24/03 Poka-balls Fucking gay ass Jap cartoon. Hate the stupid shit! 1 stars
4/19/03 Jon "Thumb the Toad" Lyrik Crap. 1 stars
2/08/03 Chris Cannon Pokemon can go suck a big fat dick and sweatty dog balls. 1 stars
1/13/03 Timothy Dineen not as bad as The Country Bears, but still sucks! 1 stars
11/22/02 Priscilla Postlethwaite Endurance test! Only movie to make me wish I were watching Ashley Judd instead! 1 stars
9/11/02 Zefram Mann The dub is too heavy-handed in its "fighting is bad" message. Otherwise a good time-waster. 4 stars
7/08/02 Henry Ginsberg STILL SUCKS ASS 1 stars
5/13/02 Dark Baron I can't believe I watched this. 1 stars
4/06/02 Junshi entertaining for -10 kids, but other than that, empty. 2 stars
3/13/02 guys form the parking lot i hate the movie and were goona kill u brent rosen!!! 1 stars
1/30/02 PogimonXP POKEMON KICKS ASS!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
1/16/02 Vincent Williams Anime: crap. Pokemon: total crap. !Note! The Pokemon movies (applies for all anime) are BS. 1 stars
11/14/01 Ass Wipe suck my cock and lick my balls you bitch 1 stars
8/08/01 the scarecrow it was like giving my great aunt a sponge bath while being beaten with a claw hammer. 1 stars
7/29/01 Henry Ginsberg I haven't even seen this film and I still stand by my rating . 1 stars
5/03/01 J.D Mc Gettigan It was useless it sucks all ass 1 stars
4/25/01 J Carden...*sigh* Do I really have to bother with this guy? Good movie. 5 stars
4/12/01 Andrew Carden It's amaing how terrible japanese animation is. 1 stars
11/14/00 The EVIL Penguin A disease for your intelligence. Watch some better anime, like DIGIMON. 1 stars
7/23/00 Digitalus it was worth watching 3 stars
4/29/00 Richard Wright Like 2 episodes of the lacklustre cartoon series glued together. Only worse. 2 stars
3/23/00 SupaHaP3 Fun yet harmless with a tiny helping of food for thought. 4 stars
2/12/00 Lame-Oh Oh, come now, it wasn't bad, but at least it's still a anime movie... 3 stars
12/19/99 James This film was awesome, apart from the ending.. 5 stars
11/29/99 Mike Hunt Pokemon: The first piece of crap! 1 stars
11/28/99 Physh Pokemon is taking away my anime space, my comic stores, card games, video games....BURN!! 1 stars
11/21/99 Mr. Invincible Great review, Lynchpyn! At least it was better than that Sailor Moon shit! 5 stars
11/19/99 fuck this stupid ass shit. I hate it. I've not seen the movie by the way. 1 stars
11/17/99 RR I've watch lots of Pokemon TV shows with my 3-year-old daughter. She loved the movie but I 1 stars
11/15/99 Pokemon sucks Pokemon sucks and I have no idea why I even bothered to see the movie! 1 stars
11/14/99 george fuck u all that say pokemon sucks, this movie was BAD ASS 5 stars
11/14/99 every fan of animation across the world I'm a huge fan of animation, but this is the worst film of any kind I've seen all decade 1 stars
11/14/99 Lame-Oh screw the backlash, just see it. 3 stars
11/14/99 MrShowbiz Little more than an ad campaign masquerading as a matinee. 1 stars
11/13/99 Patsy Hawkins It sucked!! Total waste of time and money! 1 stars
11/11/99 merrip dont bother - if you want epilepsy, just flick the goddamn light switch!!! 1 stars
11/11/99 Buttman it was worth watching. Tell Yo! to suck it! 3 stars
11/06/99 Yo! Pokemom sucks ALL ass! 1 stars
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  16-Dec-1999 (G)

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