Well, well, well, WELL. Hmm… I just wonder how can a studio executive, be able to approve, such a pile of crap as this? One way or another, always trust your instincts. When I first saw the trailer for this trailer trash, my feelings inside me told me not to see it, and I didn't, since I sensed something totally wrong about this film right from the start. The film bombed, but man, I was AMAZED totally at the marketing strategies they came up for this film. Magazines, the book, probably even Happy Meals, yet it bombed. And finally I got to see the bomb today through HBO (thank God for cable), and for those who say that this film was unjustly lambastered, BELIEVE ME, EVERYTHING YOU'VE HEARD IS TRUE!!! Don't even waste your money in this shitpile 'cause is not worth it man, believe me. As for my feelings, I only have to say that I just feel dumber having watched it.Ok, pretty simple, an evil race of Psychlos (what a ridiculous name) invaded and destroyed earth in 9 minutes, we don't even get to know how in the hell did they managed to accomplish that. So Psychlos take to the task in consuming every natural resource in Earth (ID4 anyone?). Humans are animals or “manimals” (smells like an ape), and are considered inferior (and they are) and are left to rot. But then there’s a manimal called Johnny Goodboy Tyler (Barry Pepper) who decides to fight them, but gets busted by the head of Psychlo security, Terl (John Travolta) and his fuck buddy Ker (Forest Whitaker). Out of the blue, they decide to train him in Psychlo language, so he can go and steal the gold from Fort Knox and be rich (Aliens have gold fever too? hmm). So Johnny Goodboy becomes a bad boy since he steals the gold, finds an airbase, organizes the human revolt in a week (Wow, mighty fast), and the humans fight back, and kick the shit out of the Psychlos, and Johnny is a fucking hero. Yay!!!
"It's a comedy, right? I think not"
Jesus fucking Christ, that was tiresome to write.
Ok, first of all, this is a comedy right? It has to be, since it's so fucking funny it’s pretty hard to see it as a Sci-Fi flick. I guess not. Now, there's no way to explain how awful this film is. It's a complete waste of celluloid, I just can't believe the huge plotholes and clichés that surround this film and bash it to the very end.
First of all, the aliens look ridiculous, they don't even look ALIENISH, they look more like the filthy Jamaican drug dealers you could find in any suburb in New York. Hell, they even look more like drag queens, with their huge ass boots, rotten teeth, huge hair, and stupid costumes, AND THEIR STUPID TOO. These have to be the stupidest and stupidest looking aliens I've ever seen in my entire life. Travolta acts like a fucking jerk every step of the way. He thinks he's clever, that he's tough shit. That annoyed me, probably that's why he deserves to be called Snydley Whiplash, no, and it pissed me off. Forest Whitaker is totally useless in the entire movie, he shined in Ghost Dog, and stunk here, I mean, he doesn't do a damn thing here; he just stands there giving shitty one-liners, while Travolta answers him with even more shitty one-liners. You two STANK!!!
Barry Pepper is a dickhead, his entire part here is useless, he has the chance to shoot Terl, but he doesn't. He has many chances to kill Terl, but he doesn't, he's a dickhead. I never felt on his side, his part is so stupid, gosh, I’ve seen better action heroes and Pepper’s acting doesn’t really help a lot. Guess that fast-rising star is gone. The rest of the humans are dumber than what the script tells they are.
The script also comes with some of the worst one-liners in history and some wacky unbelievable ideas. Okay, humans are ignorant, they only communicate with drawings. So how is it that Johnny can read a book from the destroyed Aspen library? You may say, well, he was taught in the machine the language. Bozo, he was only taught Psychlo ways. Furthermore, why is the machine giving teachings of Euclid mathematics and other earth things, when it supposed to be teaching him Psychlo shit? The scene where Travolta speaks in English and tells Johnny to translate has got to be one of the most stupid scenes ever, and the mistake is even made several times during the entire fucking movie, gees, what a bunch of ignorant filmmakers. Ever heard of a wonder called subtitles? A five-year-old boy could've even written a better script.
Now director Roger Christian, he stinks, and he can add his name high on the list of the worst directors ever, along with Ed Wood. Seems that George Lucas only taught him that the best way to make a movie is to make it while stoned. Seeing this film makes me even doubt that there was even a fucking director directing this. And he's an Academy Award winning set decorator, so he must've had an eye for set decoration, right? WRONG. The fucking scenarios looked fake, the FX were fake, the Psychlo planet -supposedly an far more advanced race- looks like a fucking wasteland, no, it looks more like a fucking sewer, probably that’s why the Psychlos also look ugly and dirty, and with no hygiene. The laughable parts were the library; since it’s pretty amazing it has kept a pretty neat stature for a 1000 years. So is the Army base full of Harrier airplanes. ARMY? I thought the MARINES were the one with the Harriers. Despite the fact that Earth was wiped out 1000 years ago these planes are as good as new, full of fuel, and armed, and also with a flight simulator which it's still works. I wonder where they get the electricity for that? And how the hell can a race of ignorant humans be able to learn how to fly in a simulator in just seven days? And how can nuclear weapons be so intact after all that time? Total bullshit. The funniest of all, is a scene where we see Psychlos have 6 fingers, by the time we get to the next take we see they have five. Oh, the humanity.
Now, L. Ron Hubbard, a crazed scientist, who was savagely attacked by other colleagues for his wacky scientific ideas -since they’re all shit- decides to take his theories religiously, since in religion anything can happen. Scientology was founded, and this has to be one of the worst scams ever, and people like sheep just flock to this bullshit. It's incredible, if the film was REALLY based on this book, I sure as hell don't want to read it. But Hubbard IS a non-thinking jerk. The last scene where Planet Psychlo is blown to hell by a nuclear bomb, since Psychlos are supposedly explosive when exposed to radiation, is there anything scientific to that? This is total scientific bullshit; just ask any scientist if he backs up that theory. Man, the entire film is a mess, and so are all the people that came up with this shitpile. So much bullshit is hard to take, and enough to piss you off.In the end, avoid this film, it's not worth your time, avoid it if you see it on cable or on the rental shelf at all costs. Corey Mandel, go back to writing school. Roger Christian, go back to being a fucking set decorator, cause for directing you don't serve for shit. Travolta, Whittaker, Pepper, you guys better go back to acting school again, learn something before you destroy your careers completely. Man, this film was awful, there was nothing good in it, nothing. It so insulting that a studio could come up with this shitpile and feed it to the masses thinking they’re ignorant. But hey, that’s because Scientology is scam; this film proves it. Still, gosh, what a fucking mess. (0-5)
link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=1975&reviewer=235
originally posted: 07/31/01 12:41:10