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"First come, first served" is the general rule-of-thumb where Hollywood knockoffs are concerned. So when the sadly overrated Fatal Attraction became a massive hit, the first few copycapts out of the gate seemed to have the most to offer. I'm sure I've covered this tiresome subgenre before, but for the sake of clarity, here are a handful of examples:

Psycho Mistress - Fatal Attraction

Psycho Cop - Unlawful Entry

Psycho Husband - Sleeping with the Enemy, The Stepfather, Enough

Psycho Nanny - The Hand That Rocks the Cradle, The Guardian

Psycho Roommate - Single White Female

Psycho Kid - The Good Son

So basically we've pretty much run out of psychos. But no! TV director Alan Shapiro had a new twist we hadn't seen yet! A psycho teen hottie with a ridiculous crush! As inept and painfully bad as The Crush is, I'd be willing to wager good money that it's a longtime favorite of the unshowered trenchcoat crowd.

Cary Elwes (the generally charming character actor from The Princess Bride and Glory - entirely terrible here) plays journalist Nick Elliot. Nick rents a guest house that comes with one particularly unwelcome feature: the 14-year-old Lolita known as Darian (Alicia Silverstone, back when she was a nobody and therefore considerably less obnoxious). Darian lllllloooooooooves Nick in the most adolescent of ways; she sighs when he walks by, she signs his name all over her school notebooks, she plucks his freshly used condoms out of the trashcan...

What? Ew.

So yeah. Darian is so in love with Nick that she's more than willing to (all together now) KILL FOR HIS LOVE. Nick's poor girlfriend is subjected to the business end of a hornet's nest before Darian finally does the inevitable - she cries rape. On top of all this low-minded tedium, we're offered repeated (and lingering) glimpses at Darian's taut and curvy young figure. In other words, if you're trying to breed a pedophile, have your man watch this movie five times a week.

In another film (written and directed by someone without one foot firmly in the gutter), the "young girl as persecutor vs. grown-up male victim" could certainly make for a compelling flick. But The Crush is more concerned with moronic plot twists that vaguely echo earlier (and much better) films while trotting out the hot young skin to keep the eyeballs glued to the screen.

Pointless yet interesting trivia: In the theatrical version of the film, Silverstone's character is known as "Darian". In most cable and video versions, her name is "Adrian". Why? Because apparently this dizzy cheesefest was "loosely based" on actual events and the girl's parents were concerned about her connection to the film. But what's in a name? A psycho bitch pre-teen by any other name would still be as unpleasant.

"The Crush" would be an entirely worthless and painfully familiar little thriller even without its creepy devotion to the sexiness of youth. As it stands, it's simply a very crappy film with a nasty little core. And not nasty in a good way.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=2089&reviewer=128
originally posted: 09/08/03 13:01:28
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