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Chairman of the Board

Reviewed By Chris Parry
Posted 06/07/99 03:43:14

"Quite simply the worst film since Speed 2 (AKA: second worst film ever)"
1 stars (Total Crap)

There's something wrong with an industry that requires so many people to write, greenlight and produce a project, yet can turn out something so completely unfunny, unintelligent, unwatchable, and without any discernable reason for being as this pile of canine excrement. Carrot Top is , if this film is any indication, a talentless, unlikeable moron who can't function unless he has a toilet seat with a hammer glued to it in his hand. Frankly, the only reason not to hang him now as an affront to all things human is that he wasn't the douchebag that wrote this crap.

Who did? The talentless hacks behind Candyman: Day Of The Dead and Leprechaun 2: Four Weddings and Lots of Funerals.

There's sign of the apocalypse #1.

So who's in the cast? A couple of 'surfer dudes', George Castanza's mother, Courtney "cheeks wider than shoulders" Thorne-Smith, Larry "I used to do stand-up" Miller, Jack "will work for food" Warden, Bill "not dead yet but starting to stiffen" Irwin, Cindy "breasts up to here" Margolis and Fred "all my friends are millionaires but all I can get is a cameo in a Carrot Top film" Stoller.

Sign of the apocalypse #2.

And then there's Carrot Top...

Sign of the apocalpyse #3.

As if the above reasons weren't enough to see you fleeing the video store in fear of your sanity, then there's the plot. How many times have you seen this before; slacker inherits big business from dead relative and though he seems clueless, his unorthodox ways turn the business profitable while evil henchman of former boss plots slacker's downfall to get business for himself... muhahahhaaaa.

'Big' anyone? 'Tommy Boy' anyone? Snore me a river of Carrot Top-induced phlegm.

At this stage I've lost count of the warning signs of the oncoming armageddon, but suffice it to say that if you've read this far and still wish to go rent this film, you're either in need of extreme sensory deprivation therapy, an immediate frontal lobotomy, or you have the mistaken idea that this is actually one of those movies that is 'so bad it's good'.

Lemme save you some trouble here, Sparky. Chairman of the Board is so devoid of anything remotely amusing, or even non-nauseating, that you'll be much better off saving the rental fee, calling all your friends around and spending a few hours pushing thumbtacks into the roof of each other's mouths.

Seriously. I'm not lying here. This isn't some personal beef against The Top, it's just that his movie is what the French call 'Le Steaming Pile of Shinola.'

70's sex kitten Raquel Welch (who must owe some serious coin to the mob, as there's no other way to understand her decision to appear in this talent vacuum) makes an appearance as the ever-cliched "rich older woman who wants to break up the company" role that, let's face it, Stock Plotline #85 always demands. And to be fair, she does give the film it's only worthwhile moment when she comes perilously close to Sharon Stone'ing the camera.

But then Carrot Top and Courtney Thorne-Smith go ahead and make out, which just ruins any good wood you might have built up seconds earlier, and if you share my tender constitution, causes you to experience facial ticks for days while pushing you close to staining your shirt with semi-digested carrot-like chunks.

There is no excuse for a film this bad. You can set out to make a good movie andit can get fucked up all sorts of ways, but in every such instance there's something, somewhere, that shows that the filmmakers were at least taking the most minor care to create something they wouldn't be ashamed of. I mean, heck, even Rob Zombie tries to make good movies, even if the end result is laughably inane.

But Chairman of the Board? This is just an obvious matter of the producers aiming as low as they can get away with, realising that enough parents of eight-year-olds will subject their children to just anything that's rated PG13 that all they need to worry about is avoiding inserting a bukkake scene and there'll be a paycheck at the end.

Carrot Top will make another movie, and it will be better than this one. How do I know this? Because there is no God, and because no movie could be any worse.

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