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Overall Rating

Awesome: 3.13%
Worth A Look: 1.56%
Average: 3.13%
Pretty Bad: 7.81%
Total Crap84.38%

3 reviews, 46 user ratings

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Simon Sez
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by EricDSnider

"Simon says, 'Don't waste your time.'"
1 stars

I have two vivid memories of "Simon Sez." One of them is that I watched it on New Year's Eve 1999, just before the big Y2K came around. You'd think that on the night of the biggest party in history, I'd have something better to do than watch a crappy should-have-been-straight-to-video film starring one of my least favorite celebrities. Yet there I sat, watching "Simon Sez" before going out into the night to revel and celebrate.

My other memory of the film is a moment in which an enormously fat man played by John Pinette (the beast from the final episode of "Seinfeld") is dangling from a bridge. In the long shots, though, it's clearly a less-fat stuntman dangling there. I mean, the guy is probably 200 pounds lighter than the guy he's supposd to be. Now, I understand the difficulty inherent in finding a stuntman fat enough to successfully impersonate John Pinette. If I were the director of this film, therefore, I would have a) not cast a man as fat as John Pinette in the first place, or b) avoided sending John Pinette's character over a bridge, and have one of the less girthful characters do it instead.

But if I were the director of this film (Kevin Elders), surely I would have more important issues to deal with anyway. For example: What the hell is wrong with me? What am I thinking? Do I really think a movie starring Dennis Rodman is a good idea? Have I actually READ this script? What, am I insane?

"Simon Sez" is about a secret agent named Simon (Dennis Rodman) who has to rescue the daughter of an American tycoon from kidnappers. Along the way, he has to kickbox Emma Sjoberg, who is a hottie. Unable to speak very coherently (as part of his NBA contract), Rodman is restricted to brief lines of dialogue, yet even those are very stupid. John Pinette and someone else play his two bumbling sidekicks, and it seems like there's a computer hacker somewhere, too, who no doubt also has droll things to say.

It's a reasonably enjoyable movie, though not for the reasons intended. It was supposed to be a cool action flick with a lot of comic relief, but what it actually is, is a paean to incompetence made amusing by watching it with friends who recognize a bad movie when they see one. Even the dim-bulbs who help crap like "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider" make money because they think "cool action" means "good movie" are unlikely to be fooled by "Simon Sez."

If you must watch it -- and I shudder to imagine the circumstances under which one must -- watch it in a light mood, perhaps under the influence of something, and with people who can help you mock it. A spaceman and two wise-cracking robots would do the trick nicely.

link directly to this review at
originally posted: 06/25/01 09:27:48
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User Comments

9/26/14 Jeff WIlder Simon says, avoid this movie at all cost. 1 stars
1/25/09 Greg winnings poor in every possible way. 1 stars
3/09/08 Richard John McHarrison this was one of those awful movies you just had to sit thru until the end. It blows hard 1 stars
11/25/07 Monday Morning Didn't see it but Dennis Rodman is such a scuzzy excuse for a human that I'm givin' it a... 1 stars
12/15/06 Carmen Electra laugh out loud funny(it's really bad) 1 stars
8/03/06 tommyboy Anyone that thinks Dane Cook is funny should have there head examined. This guy is a tool. 1 stars
6/16/06 nunu ass moive 5 stars
9/01/05 George Sjoberg, please make more movies. Cook, please don't. 3 stars
5/01/05 craig varney simon sez this movie sucks 1 stars
1/02/05 Delirium Tremens A movie this bad has to be seen to be believed. On second thought, just trust me. 1 stars
12/08/04 Viktor Navorsky good movie, very good movie!!! 5 stars
9/07/04 Feliciano i liked tom hanks, but gwyneth paltrow sucked in this movie 1 stars
6/14/04 Spiderfan50 To all who like it, go to jail. Do not ask why. Do not leave. Stay there forever!!! 1 stars
4/23/04 Gray to make this kind of movie should be criminal 1 stars
3/14/04 Monster W. Kung Hey Slyder, this crap actually came out in the theaters, it didn't go straight to video. 1 stars
12/20/03 Pigdaddy Truckdriver Unpretensorus title cool! 4 stars
10/05/03 Sugarfoot Laughable codswallop 1 stars
8/08/03 The main man stupid as hell but if you are locked in and there is only one channel 2 stars
11/23/02 nico33fr Just shit ! 1 stars
11/21/02 Buddha Some movies should just never be on widescreen. 1 stars
11/07/02 Cybercon Should have known it would suck, it had Dennis Rodman in it. 1 stars
8/14/02 Interrog8 Pretty Stupid 2 stars
1/05/02 Magnum Craphole THE FUNNIEST CRAP MOVIE EVER! More laughs than Plan9. 1 stars
1/01/02 Ironcross I want my hour and a half back! 1 stars
12/20/01 Katty o my god. this is awful. i mean it entertained me but its nothing special or funny... 2 stars
12/01/01 Cracked head BWAHAHAHAHAH!!! Now that was entertaining! 2 stars
11/30/01 Cookie Cutter So bad it's great. A laugh riot from start to finish. 1 stars
10/09/01 Andrew Carden Oh My God! I Can't Belive How Bad This Crap Is! 1 stars
9/25/01 Clarke The guy who read the script for this and said "hey, this would be a good movie!" needs help 1 stars
9/11/01 Rampage I'd bash this movie and kick Rodman in the grapefruits 1 stars
7/29/01 chris Dane Cook and his dinosaur part was the only thing good in this movie!!! 2 stars
7/28/01 Crisis Management Might well be the worst movie I've ever seen (and I've seen Plan9, Highlander II and Cobra) 1 stars
7/09/01 Caligula a close encounter with the grim reaper 1 stars
7/03/01 Boomshanka Honest to God, this was amateurish in every respect. Truly awful. 1 stars
6/23/01 Dean I will make fun of this movie to death and then some. 1 stars
5/18/01 Monster W. Kung So bad it's good. 1 stars
2/20/01 T. Sharif FUCK THIS MOVIE! 1 stars
1/16/01 Kyle Darkryder Sucks All Ass, nuff said 1 stars
12/01/00 T.Johnson.Thomas Incredibly stupid, erxcrutiatingly painful viewing a so-called super-hero? clown . 1 stars
10/19/00 Ground Zero not as stupid as Knock-Off, but still a piece wasted dreck. Damn you Rodman, damn you! 1 stars
6/29/00 PJ what, huh, um, heh? WHAT, HUH, UM, HEH, UGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
6/01/00 alfredo garcía not as bad as everybody sez, this movie has great campy moments 3 stars
10/29/99 Lame-Oh SIMON SEZ: Can you say "piece of crap"? Rodman is godawful! 1 stars
9/29/99 Orgazmo Bottom 10 Ten List here comes Simon Sez 1 stars
9/27/99 thomas ballard lesemann Rodman further proves his lack of taste with this painfully embarrassing action flick. 1 stars
9/26/99 The Lynchpyn not as pathetic as "double team," but still a piece of shit!!! 1 stars
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  24-Sep-1999 (PG-13)



Directed by
  Kevin Elders

Written by
  Kevin Elders

  Dennis Rodman
  John Pinette
  Ricky Harris
  Dane Cook

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