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Overall Rating
1.37

Awesome: 4.62%
Worth A Look: 1.54%
Average: 3.08%
Pretty Bad: 7.69%
Total Crap83.08%

3 reviews, 47 user ratings


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Simon Sez
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by Slyder

"Fuck what Simon says; I say the hell with this movie"
1 stars

I just wonder if the bunch of dumbfucks that though up this vile pack of celluloid shit really were serious in doing this. I can't believe that a bunch of assholes, Dennis faggoty fag Rodman included would just come up with this crap, I just can't believe it. And the worst of all is that I had to sit there in my fucking couch and watch this bullshit. Just think of what my life would've been if I haven't watched it. The only problem was that I never walked out, in fact I was so bored that I just left it on and see where the fuck this show would lead. The results were so bad, that I ended up laughing all over the couch and into my floor, but the laughter was basically the escape valve to my anger. Now that one and a half hours of my life are now gone forever, lets bring this film down here to answer for my sudden anger.

Okay, so here's this fuck, who calls himself Simon (Rodman), who is a supposedly an Interpol agent who's assigned to rescue this girl from some fuck who smiles a lot and would qualify in the all-time worst bandit list as one of the most pathetic rebound fucky and idiotic ever, that has kidnapped her for an exchange of a disc that contains some data that activates this type of laser shit or whatever the fuck it is that is what they’ve extorted this guy from. Simon has to go alongside his new asshole partner Nick (Dane Cook), to rescue this girl. Along the way we meet a hottie who belongs to another agency, who also wants some action, and also Simon's two aides, two faggots dressed in priest suits, one black and one fat (neat, huh?). So the faggot bunch has to get this girl and all this shit.

First of all, what the fuck is this? I just can't understand how many executives did Mr., or Mrs. Dennis Rodman did he fuck, or gave blowjobs to, so they could say that he's an actor. Probably her wife or fuck buddy Carmen Electra taught her into and probably did the same favor to those same executives and bla, bla, bla. We’ll get to that later.

Whatever the fuck it is that this movie is trying to show doesn't exist. It has basically a paper-thin plot, and probably this so called director, Kevin Elders didn’t have the slightest fucking idea of how to turn this film around and make it better, add some depth in the characters and the plot itself. “No, lets just leave it as it is, since we’ll just put a shitload of action scenes so that everybody just forget about the plot and watch in awe Faggoty Fag Rodman, pull off some martial arts shit.” Yeah, like if that’s going to make up for the rest of the movie. First of all, the action sequences look totally plastic, fake, and probably is the worst example of formulaic remakes ever. Second, the CGI effects look like they took them straight out of a Playstation game, in other words: fake. Third, the usual lame script and lame directing. The script, as said before, has of course a paper-thin plot, but it also contains some of the most awful one-liners and biggest plot holes ever. Director Elders doesn’t even give a shit on how to present this film. The villains seem to come out straight out of a batman movie, and like I said, the bad guy is a total fuck. The supposed comedy scenes are so fucking annoying that, you just wish you were dead. Dane Cook’s character Nick, plus those two fucking priests are so fucking irritating; I want to kick their fucking asses right there. I don’t even know how in the hell could accept these acting jobs, plus Nick seems to be a guy who you either want to feel sorry for him or just spank him for being so FUCKING PATHETIC!!! It would be irritating for me trying to explain it, but you can see that a talent less script was exclusively written for that talent less fag Rodman.

Okay, back to where I was, there is no question that Rodman is a basketball legend (if he ever was), since I used to be Chicago Bulls fan and all that shit, but after I heard about all the shit that he had done, Marry some bitch, marry himself, and now Marry Carmen Electra, I wonder if the guy was really some insane fuck. It looks like he was since he was either talked into acting without even getting a fucking acting lesson, or just some jackass producer said “Hey, just do this and that, memorize these lines and we can turn you into a superstar, and win more money than ever, fuck the NBA, since they don’t pay you that much.” Wrong career move Dennis, so after going your shit with that other hack Van Damn, and now this, better cover your ears for what I’m going to say:

DENNIS RODMAN CAN’T ACT!!!! In fact Dennis Rodman doesn’t act, and if he thinks of himself as an actor, well BUA HA HA HA HA HA!!! I’ll be the first one to laugh at him, not even the shit that he has on his face helps him either. You Dennis, you’re just a fucking basketball player that just doesn’t know when and where he’ll get fucked in the ass. An actor? He just stands there and tries to think of himself he’s Mr. Cool, that he knows all of his martial arts shit, and that he’s all wiseass. Fuck, even I could go up to him and knock his ass down in one swift stroke.

The same goes with all the fuckheads that appear in this film and that supposedly “act.” You guys can’t act for shit, the way you performed in this film gives me anal warts, I just want to puke all over you and your pile of shit, and better advise you to get yourselves a job at the porno industry, since I think you’ll all fare better and prepare yourselves better, than trying your chances here and be all shitted and scorned for the rest of your lives.

In the end, fuck, I wouldn’t recommend this movie not even to my worst enemy. This sardonic pile of dung deserves to be burned in hell for wasting my time and wasting other people’s time. Well, at least I have to thank God that this damn thing went straight to video. But shit man, I felt ripped and raped off thanks to this shit, fans of bad movies may like it and have a chance to laugh and make fun of it. I hope you guys enjoy. But for the fans of good filmmaking, avoid like the plague!!!! (0-5)

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=2222&reviewer=235
originally posted: 07/06/01 14:17:23
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User Comments

9/26/14 Jeff WIlder Simon says, avoid this movie at all cost. 1 stars
7/04/14 hzhtqbzr USA 5 stars
1/25/09 Greg winnings poor in every possible way. 1 stars
3/09/08 Richard John McHarrison this was one of those awful movies you just had to sit thru until the end. It blows hard 1 stars
11/25/07 Monday Morning Didn't see it but Dennis Rodman is such a scuzzy excuse for a human that I'm givin' it a... 1 stars
12/15/06 Carmen Electra laugh out loud funny(it's really bad) 1 stars
8/03/06 tommyboy Anyone that thinks Dane Cook is funny should have there head examined. This guy is a tool. 1 stars
6/16/06 nunu ass moive 5 stars
9/01/05 George Sjoberg, please make more movies. Cook, please don't. 3 stars
5/01/05 craig varney simon sez this movie sucks 1 stars
1/02/05 Delirium Tremens A movie this bad has to be seen to be believed. On second thought, just trust me. 1 stars
12/08/04 Viktor Navorsky good movie, very good movie!!! 5 stars
9/07/04 Feliciano i liked tom hanks, but gwyneth paltrow sucked in this movie 1 stars
6/14/04 Spiderfan50 To all who like it, go to jail. Do not ask why. Do not leave. Stay there forever!!! 1 stars
4/23/04 Gray to make this kind of movie should be criminal 1 stars
3/14/04 Monster W. Kung Hey Slyder, this crap actually came out in the theaters, it didn't go straight to video. 1 stars
12/20/03 Pigdaddy Truckdriver Unpretensorus title cool! 4 stars
10/05/03 Sugarfoot Laughable codswallop 1 stars
8/08/03 The main man stupid as hell but if you are locked in and there is only one channel 2 stars
11/23/02 nico33fr Just shit ! 1 stars
11/21/02 Buddha Some movies should just never be on widescreen. 1 stars
11/07/02 Cybercon Should have known it would suck, it had Dennis Rodman in it. 1 stars
8/14/02 Interrog8 Pretty Stupid 2 stars
1/05/02 Magnum Craphole THE FUNNIEST CRAP MOVIE EVER! More laughs than Plan9. 1 stars
1/01/02 Ironcross I want my hour and a half back! 1 stars
12/20/01 Katty o my god. this is awful. i mean it entertained me but its nothing special or funny... 2 stars
12/01/01 Cracked head BWAHAHAHAHAH!!! Now that was entertaining! 2 stars
11/30/01 Cookie Cutter So bad it's great. A laugh riot from start to finish. 1 stars
10/09/01 Andrew Carden Oh My God! I Can't Belive How Bad This Crap Is! 1 stars
9/25/01 Clarke The guy who read the script for this and said "hey, this would be a good movie!" needs help 1 stars
9/11/01 Rampage I'd bash this movie and kick Rodman in the grapefruits 1 stars
7/29/01 chris Dane Cook and his dinosaur part was the only thing good in this movie!!! 2 stars
7/28/01 Crisis Management Might well be the worst movie I've ever seen (and I've seen Plan9, Highlander II and Cobra) 1 stars
7/09/01 Caligula a close encounter with the grim reaper 1 stars
7/03/01 Boomshanka Honest to God, this was amateurish in every respect. Truly awful. 1 stars
6/23/01 Dean I will make fun of this movie to death and then some. 1 stars
5/18/01 Monster W. Kung So bad it's good. 1 stars
2/20/01 T. Sharif FUCK THIS MOVIE! 1 stars
1/16/01 Kyle Darkryder Sucks All Ass, nuff said 1 stars
12/01/00 T.Johnson.Thomas Incredibly stupid, erxcrutiatingly painful viewing a so-called super-hero? clown . 1 stars
10/19/00 Ground Zero not as stupid as Knock-Off, but still a piece wasted dreck. Damn you Rodman, damn you! 1 stars
6/29/00 PJ what, huh, um, heh? WHAT, HUH, UM, HEH, UGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
6/01/00 alfredo garcía not as bad as everybody sez, this movie has great campy moments 3 stars
10/29/99 Lame-Oh SIMON SEZ: Can you say "piece of crap"? Rodman is godawful! 1 stars
9/29/99 Orgazmo Bottom 10 Ten List here comes Simon Sez 1 stars
9/27/99 thomas ballard lesemann Rodman further proves his lack of taste with this painfully embarrassing action flick. 1 stars
9/26/99 The Lynchpyn not as pathetic as "double team," but still a piece of shit!!! 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  24-Sep-1999 (PG-13)

UK
  N/A

Australia
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Directed by
  Kevin Elders

Written by
  Kevin Elders

Cast
  Dennis Rodman
  John Pinette
  Ricky Harris
  Dane Cook



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