Worth A Look: 6.25%
Pretty Bad: 21.43%
Total Crap: 51.79%
9 reviews, 58 user ratings
by Chris Parry
It's been said that I have lost my edge - that I don't have that "beat the living crap" out of a film ability I once did. Well settle into a comfy chair, light a cigar and tell the folks you're dead for the next few minutes. You won't wanna miss the unholy fury that I'm gonna unleash on this absolute reprehensible pile of celluloid gobshite. My knuckles are white already.First of all, let's get something out of the way. The American viewing public are the least intelligent grouping of people since the Germans decided it might be fun to invade Russia during the snowy season. You ignorant hokeys have slapped $100m of your supposedly hard-earned dollars into the bank accounts of the producers of this complete tosspot of a film. I'll repeat that. $100m.
"If there was a cliche for cinematic cliches, this is that cliche."
Do you realise that if you all avoided this film like an ebola sandwich and collected the cash you all saved into one big pile, you could buy a burgeoning computer company. You could buy your own fleet of learjets. You could shoot ten moderate sized feature films. You could feed fucking Ethiopia!
But noooooo, you had to go and spend your money on a Tommy Lee Jones movie. What are you all, nutbars? Are you all really that dense that you thought to yourselves "hmm, that Tommy Lee fellow, he was in The Fugitive and US Marshals, maybe he'll do something diifferent here!" Don't you fucksticks remember the last time he tried to do something different? You really think he's gonna suffer the embarassment of another "Two-Face" role?
But wait, you're not just stupid. You're complete animal stools. Because the trailer for this movie REVEALS THE ENDING! You went to a bad movie, with a guy you've seen play this exact same character twice before WHEN YOU KNEW THE ENDING!
You're not animal stools. Animal stools have a smaller nut content. You're one step up from pond scum. Your rational thought equipment ain't quite functioning, sparky. To quote my ex roommate, "you're a fucked unit."
So okay, you have a bad movie, with a bad ending that you already know, with a bad cast (how bad we'll discuss later), that has received bad reviews across the board. And you went. I mean, we're used to this kind of thing with Will Smith movies, but this was a Tommy Lee Jones movie! What are you all thinking? ARE you all thinking? Any of you? Hellloooooo?
So enough slamming the entire US population, you're too far gone to help anyway. You all walk around scratching your ass and bumping into things, so I guess the fact you managed to collectively get off your couches without the aid of your helper monkeys is something we foreigners should applaud.
Let's do some movie slamming. Double Jeopardy goes with Urban Legend into the "BOG-PUB" (Basket Of Great Premises, Utterly Botched). The deal here is that Ashley Judd's husband stages his own murder on a boat, Ashley goes to jail, while there she figures out he's alive and her lawyer cellmate (of course she's a lawyer. All cellmates are lawyers, dontcha know) explinas that once she's done her time, she can kill her husband for real because you can't get punished twice for the one crime.
So okay, that's promising enough. Can she kill him, if she does, what happens next when an outraged society demands she go down... No. It doesn't work that way. This is Hollywood, people. There has to be a cute kid involved. There has to be a portrayal of a "strong" woman so cliched that they even give her a scene taken directly from Linda Hamilton in Terminator.
Hey, let's talk cliche. Yes, there'll be spoilers, but if you've seen the ad there's nothing left to spoil, other than your sleeping patterns by seeing this bucket of bile.
Cliche number 1 - The rich guy is always nasty. But we try to make him look nice by introducing him at a charity event. This one is for a "children's school". I guess the "adult's school" is quite alright for money, thank you. So take notes, champ. Cliche 1 = rich nasty guy.
Cliche number 2 - His wife loves him to death and knows nothing about his nastay side. Of course, we've only known this character three and a half seconds and we've figured it out.
Cliche number 3 - The tall woman with long hair is a conniving slut. But you knew that. "Cute" is always short haired and tiny in Hollywood. Long haired + tall = "home-wrecker".
Cliche number 4 - When the unknowing and about to be set-up wife discovers a bloodied knife on the deck of her blood splattered boat, she... just guess. Come on, guess what she does. It's worth a point to you. She spots a bloodied knife on the ground.... and... picks... it... up. But hey, who wouldn't? So now she's a murderer. Right on, dunderhead.
Cliche number 5 - The cops always show up juuuuuuuust as she picks up the murder weapon, catching her with it in her hand. Pesky defenders of the law.
Cliche number 6 - The good guy's lawyer is always fat, always incompetent, always Jewish. And he loses the case.
Clich number 7 - When she goes to prison, she's treated like the "rich bitch" but quickly gets her new cellmates in line be being all hard-assed. "Stay away from me" she says. "I'll cut your throat for a cigarette" should be the reply if realism mattered a damn.
Cliche number 8 - All her cellmates are fat and misunderstood. But they don't force her into lesbianic acts. This is a family prison, folks. One of her new friends is a lawyer. Seeing a lawyer in prison was my only satisfying moment in the movie. Of course, if we had our feet in reality here, her cellmate would more likely be a one-eyed axe-murdering bull-dyke who makes knives out of sharpened twigs and likes a bit of "oral pleasure" after lights out, but hey, a lawyer is scarier I guess.
Cliche number 9 - When deciding to get revenge, a female will always "pump iron" and do lots of laps running in rain. See Linda Hamilton in Terminator, See Demi Moore in GI Jane, see Richard Gere in Officer And A Gentleman. Geez, you could even play the theme to Rocky in this hokey montage. But it does provide the film's absolute DUMBEST moment. Picture it. Ashley Judd being tough and doing her laps around the prison yard. Her buddy comes out and yells at her through the rain, all ghetto, "you ain't runnin' on nothin' but hatred, girlfriend!" If you're not laughing by now, you'll piss your pants when you see it on the screen.
Cliche number 10 - In all movies, any scene where the hero or heroine is chased by the cops before the last half hour means not only will he/she get away, but he/she will get away continually, usually because the police are stupid. In fact, a greyhoud lure has more chance of being caught than a heroine on the run before the second act kicks in.
Cliche number 11 - When she needs money, she'll turn into a master con-artist, and failing that her mom will have about a million bucks under a tomato plant. Actually, this is less a cliche than it is just a really really fucking stupid plot-fix. "Hey look, there's mom. Thanks for the cash mom. I know I'm an escaped murderer and all, but hey, I'm off to kill a guy with my bare hands now. See ya!"
Cliche number 12 - Art dealers are always old and stupid. They're often "bumbling". Ashley not only finds herself a "bumbler", but manages to find one who can track down the name, address and phone number of anyone on the planet who owns a piece of art.
Cliche number 13 - On the internet, you can find the intimate details of any person on the planet with three clicks. And while it's searching, the computer screen clears and says "searching...". This harks back to the fabulous computer cliche of Speed 2 where the terrorist's computer prompts him with "time of execution?" and he types in the word "now". Yahoo never gives me a screen that says "searching". I want one, dammit.
Cliche number 14 - The bartender is always a softie and will never tell the cops when he recognises a crook. Oh you wacky barkeeps of the world, no wonder we love you so. Sweeeeet purveyors of liquid refreshment and alibis. Sigh..
Cliche number 15 - When being chased in a crowd, the crooks will get through the throng really easily, but cops will always get ambushed by a conga-line or by a mardi gras parade. When they finally get through they'll track down someone who look slike the crooks, then grab the crook and spin them around only to find out "WHOOOPS!" It wasn't her after all. Silly crowds.
Cliche number 16 - The bad guy will have ample chances to kill the heroine, but he'll choose to lock her in a room instead, or explain his plan to her, then lock her in a room. Of course, he never searches her first, so he never finds the gun/lighter/toothpick/porno mag that she uses to escape.
Cliche number 17 - Whenever someone is holding a gun on someone else, someone will dive/kick/throw something and the gun will slide along the floor. Then a struggle will ensue in which everyone sprawls for the weapon. The bad guy will get the weapon, but the good guy we all thought was dead will muster the energy to take one last dive out of nowhere, disarm the baddie, and then the power ballad plays as everyone smiles in relief that they won. PHEW!
Cliche number 18 - Emotion is unnecessary. The piano in the background tells you what to feel and when to feel it. See Patch Adams for a demonstration on "emotional manipulation through piano guidance". Ya know, Schumann went mad that way. I think it was an "E".
Cliche number 19 - Tommy Lee Jones will ALWAYS play a burned out cop, but he'll show he has a heart by the end. Aaaaaaaw.
Cliche number 20 - The American viewing public will lap it up, forget it as they leave and tell people they know "it was fun". They will not protest, nor will they ask for their money back, nor will they tell anyone "that flick was a pile of horseshit" even if deep down they thought it was. They will continue to go see the movie for many weeks, and some two months later the film will still be making money, even as superior films like Election, Run Lola Run or Iron Giant are ignored.
I figure I'll stop at 20 cliches. I could give you more - such as the cliche that every really talented, thoughtful director will eventually become a complete sellout and serve up hack-jobs that make a hundred million or so (you're total Hollywood now, Beresford), or the cliche that says that no matter how bad she performs every actress with boobs will continue to get work, or the cliche that no matter what, Ashley Judd will always find a way to flash some gash whenever she's before a crowd.But that would be overkill. Let's just say Double Jeopardy was "below par".
link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=2226&reviewer=1
originally posted: 10/30/99 00:06:37