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Vampire Boys
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by Charles Tatum

"The Lust Boys"
1 stars

Damn you, makers of the "Twilight" film series. Now vampires are all over the place- your novels, other novels, books about your novels, television series, your lousy movies, spoofs of your lousy movies, and so on. Now all you need to make your own vampire flick is half a dozen attractive actors and some fake-looking fangs- as evidenced by this thing.

Caleb (Christian Ferrer) has moved from Ohio to California to attend college. He is staying at Paul's (Ryan Adames) house for free after the two met online. Right away, Caleb begins having visions and dreams about blonde Jasin (Jason Lockhart). Jasin and Caleb meet at school, and the attraction between them is instantaneous.

Here's the problem: Jasin is the head vampire in a small coven that consists of Logan (Dylan Vox), Dane (Jess Allen), and Adam (Tanner Acord). According to some newly conceived mythology, Jasin must choose an eternal companion before his 100th anniversary as a vampire, or he and the entire coven will die. Everyone had their sights set on Tara (Zasu, doing her best Courtney Love impression), but when Jasin sensed Caleb, he knew he was the, they already got rid of another "the one" in the opening scenes. Paul gets suspicious, the coven gets antsy, and Caleb treats his decision about impending eternal life like he would a drink choice at Starbucks.

The film was obviously done on the cheap (I think the same backyard is used in half the shots), and the film makers flounder. Lockhart does have some charisma as Jasin, but making him speak...very...slowly...without...grammatical...contractions...does not make him more vampiry. Vox, who is better known for his comedies (and porn) is actually good here, although you'll be laughing as Jasin and Logan hiss at each other like a couple of playful kitties. Ferrer and Adames are terrible. Both have a nasally monotone line delivery, and do nothing with their weakly written characters. Luckily, Adames provides some very good songs to the soundtrack, so he can be forgiven. Allen and Acord are window dressing, gawking at Jasin and Logan's arguments.

Vaughn tries, and the direction isn't that bad. The script is messy, getting unattended laughs for everything from Caleb's odd obsession with coffee to the overuse of the word "complicated." There is no fun here, everything is taken so seriously and the cast delivers their lines in too deadpan a manner. The convenient destruction of vampire mythology comes off as very lame, and the action and gore sequences are startlingly embarrassing.

As if the "Twilight" series weren't gay enough, "Vampire Boys" comes along and clumsily tries to steal the more successful films' thunder. Kristen Stewart and the boys have nothing to worry about.

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originally posted: 03/15/11 07:47:22
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  N/A (NR)
  DVD: 08-Mar-2011



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