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Overall Rating
1.64

Awesome: 7.3%
Worth A Look: 3.65%
Average: 6.57%
Pretty Bad: 10.95%
Total Crap71.53%

2 reviews, 125 user ratings


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Jaws: The Revenge
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by Slyder

"I rather eat horseshit."
1 stars

Few greedy film producers have the balls for taking a legendary and kick-ass movie and dump a huge pile of cow dung over it. In other words, making a shitload of sequels that are inevitably inferior to the original, and even worse, be even crappier, shittier and more dreadful than the one before it. Jaws: The Revenge is one such example.

Why, you ask me?

Because anyone with a sense of rationalism or with a least amount of brain knows that a fucking shark isnít capable of ďfollowingĒ a person because it wants revenge. But hey, THIS IS HOLLYWOOD. THIS IS FUCKING HOLLYWOOD DAMN IT! I mean, it makes a lot of sense for a shark to get revenge since it just ate one of Chief Brodyís two sons and is following the chiefís wife or Widow Ellen (Lorraine Gary) from Amity to the Bahamas since sheís flown there to warn her other son about the vengeful shark, whom is pissed since her now dead husband killed one of them fuckers a trio of movies ago, actually two of them. A bit of a puzzlement and bemusement appears within the viewer.

But then again, more mysterious is the fact that she has these nightmares, and amongst those nightmares are dreams about her husband capping off the first shark even though her old blonde ass wasnít even there in the first place. And then after more shark killings, she heads off with some black fuck called Jake (Mario Van Peebles) to go and find that marauding shark.

Ellenís current husband laughably named Hoagie (Michael Caine) if you understand what Iím talking about when I say hoagie, also joins the fun crashing his airplane (smart!) and swimming over into the boat, and climbing out totally dry and not even a wet head. WOW, HOW DOES HE DO IT!??!

The shark keeps attacking, even at one point jumping out of the water and riding on his tail, and even roaring like some fucking beast from the Id. At this point your blood beings to boil but youíre still confused and maybe amused since who knows; maybe a shark can do that. Iíve never been out to sea or seen a shark in person but I guess a shark can do that, right? RIGHT?!

And then we accelerate (even though the boat seems stationary) to the climax after the shark eats several people and then it eats Jake, and youíre sitting there enjoying how the beast is eating that black fucker since he was too damn annoying and irritating, until you see the mechanical rod operating the shark, and thatís when you start either laughing or just wanting to go to the bathroom and vomit, because this is the single most stupid and most putrid scene in the movie. And then the ending, by using some weird-ass sound beam the shark gets fucky and buries itself into the frontal bow of the ship, cracking it in two and sink with the shark to the bottom of the sea, while you sit there wishing some fucking shark burst out of your Coke can and eat you alive so he could spare you from this miserable and ultimately worthless chunk of garbage.

How could a well-regarded TV director like Joe Sargent sign up for this fucking shit is beyond me and sometimes I wonder if heís actually ANY good anyways since by judging from this flick Sargent couldnít even direct a fucking crosswalk. You would expect the FX by 1987 to be actually even better than the FX in 1975, yet theyíre lame. Bruce once again is called into action and it shows. Itís a fucking rubber toy handled by cranes and shit. No, itís a goddamn piece of cardboard handled by cranes and shit. How could a studio approve this kind of crap, let alone release it? I just wonder that since this shit wouldn't even stick not even on a well-dried chunk of lead. Hell, my 12 year old cousin could write better shit than this and even some of it would stick. You know, the film had like 13 different endings if I recall correctly. Even one where Jake, whom supposedly got killed, appears once again, and other where the damn shark gets rammed by the boat, but then again only a masochist would go and search for all of this; thereís only so much bullshit that you can take.

And donít bother about the actors. Theyíre crap; even Michael Caine is crap, and HIS CARACTER IS CALLED HOAGIE!

HOAGIE, GOD DAMN IT!!!

In the end, this film is the cream of the crop, or shit I mean, because this is one of those movies which makes you think and wonder aloud what in the blue fuck were these idiots thinking when they wasted some good millions in order to make this shit? This is one of the worst movies ever made and it's apallingly incredible that it manages to be even a worser movie than Jaws 3 and that thing was utter dog-shit! Yeah Michael, I bet that house looks mighty fucking great. Shark lovers and Jaws fans, be afraid, be very FUCKING afraid! 0-5

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=2301&reviewer=235
originally posted: 11/13/04 09:16:52
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User Comments

8/17/14 Hi! I'm watching it again right now and it still blows goats. 1 stars
2/12/14 Quigley Not one of the worst movies ever made, but it's amazingly boring. 1 stars
2/07/13 Kcaj Ive lost faith in humanity 1 stars
12/11/12 Jamie Worse than Jaws 3!!! 1 stars
11/02/11 Robert stevenson Horrible piece of film making one of the worst films of all time 1 stars
7/10/11 Jennifer Barr this one went downhill 2 stars
3/07/11 Fuckoffville Not as bad as everyone says 3 stars
1/19/11 Me Worth watching once as an example of how you can single-handedly destroy a franchise. 1 stars
9/21/10 Daniel Kiernan this is the worst movie i have ever seen. Troll 2 is a masterpeice compared to this crap. 1 stars
7/24/10 bagwell5 Worst movie 1987 by far. Did not know sharks growl & could follow airline flight paths. 1 stars
6/21/10 Alison Kramer The worst movie ever made. Those that say it's worse than Jaws 3 are idiots. 1 stars
1/04/09 Alexander Loved it!!! One of the best commedies I have ever seen!! 5 stars!!! 5 stars
12/29/08 Nick This is a joke! Sharks cant stand on their tails, roar, or hold grudges! 1 stars
11/01/08 Shaun Wallner This movie stinks!! 1 stars
10/20/08 Monster A Go-Go A roaring shark with a personal vendetta! HA! Love this crazy crap! 2 stars
8/16/08 What a review! Scott Weinberg, this is my favorite movie review of all time. I laugh every time I read it! 1 stars
7/01/08 jonathan pressman this is the greatest motion picture in history. kill me now while my mind is still pure. 5 stars
1/15/08 Sato The only good thing about Jaws: The Revenge is that it lead to this review very funny 1 stars
12/01/07 JJ Not as good as 2, but better than 3. It was ok. 4 stars
8/31/07 elvo76 If there was a minus 5 star rating available, this would get it. Indescribably bad! 1 stars
6/01/07 Sugarfoot Despite the rep, this one wasn't the worst, Jaws 3 was, this was still awful though 1 stars
5/07/07 Nate Tsutsumi Despite hiring/casting a "growling" shark, I found Jaws: the Revenge entertaining. 4 stars
4/02/07 brent gerald mejia sr. amazing! Jaws must've gotten voice lessons from Godzilla 1 stars
3/29/07 Scrubber Loved it, best comedy of the 80's 5 stars
3/17/07 brent gerald mejia sr.a i didn't know sounded like godzilla 1 stars
2/22/07 Mario Van Peebles This has to be one of the most wonderfully executed movies ever. Brillant! 5 stars
2/15/07 Quint Whyt the f*ck does SPIELBERG get the blame in this review? He didn't even do Jaws 2. 1 stars
2/03/07 Vip Ebriega Unbelievable. Everyone's favorite shark sinks to the bottom. 1 stars
12/29/06 David Pollastrini better than Jaws 3D 4 stars
11/27/06 tub 'o wax It's a foul, foul thing. May God have mercy upon the souls of those who did this to us. 1 stars
10/02/06 Jeremy Davies So bad it should be illegal. Even some of the movies cast hated it 1 stars
9/10/06 brandon it sucks 1 stars
9/01/06 Bob Smith This movie is a new definition for the word "crap" 1 stars
8/10/06 Dragon The Artist A decent sequel, not as bad as some sequels. 3 stars
7/08/06 Anthony Feor It is like putting your hand back on the stove after you have burned it 1 stars
6/28/06 joe koski rotten tomatoes.com said 0 and so do I 1 stars
6/06/06 Cole Kuttz Ellen dates Phil E. Cheesteak in Part 5 1 stars
5/06/06 dionwr Haven't seen it 3 stars
5/05/06 Uri Lessing Here's an idea. Move to Kansas. No oceans. 1 stars
5/02/06 Ryan_A Every bit as bad as I imagined it 1 stars
5/02/06 David Cornelius It's just like the first one, only sucky 1 stars
5/02/06 William Goss Like Alfie, but with sharper teeth. 1 stars
5/02/06 EricDSnider Proof that Michael Caine will be in ANYTHING 1 stars
5/02/06 Alex Paquin Can't remember it 3 stars
5/02/06 HBS-SH Laughable sequel with a big (fake) heart 1 stars
3/10/06 Dk So stupid it hurts. Sucks so bad 1 stars
2/13/06 Anthony Feor The Worst movie ever 1 stars
1/28/06 JM Synth The slightest of improvements over Jaws 3D (the 2D version anyway) 2 stars
11/24/05 cr a ok movie, good characters but unreal shark scenes and lame story 2 stars
10/29/05 Suck a Dick Fully sick bro! The shark shud have sex with the girl! 5 stars
9/02/05 Eden Its much, much better than 3. Which is means nothing 1 stars
8/16/05 ES How do we know this movie will be an underfunded dud= Starring Mario Van Peebles 1 stars
7/17/05 ! if they make Jaws 5, it should start and say that jaws 3 & 4 were Ellen Brodys nightmares. 1 stars
7/14/05 Brandy Harrington This is the worst movie I have ever seen. 1 stars
7/11/05 Pissed IF sharks can navigate from country to country so well, why dont we use them as boats :D 1 stars
6/27/05 Cheif calling it crap is an insult to feces. 1 stars
6/15/05 Jeff Anderson The "REVENGE" is on the people who see this shitstorm of a sequel. 1 of the all time worst! 1 stars
6/09/05 me i could write a better movie high on crack. 1 stars
5/28/05 tony Can the fucking shark just die now. the biggest yawn i ever hade watching this movie! 1 stars
5/17/05 what? wow 1 stars
4/26/05 E-FUNK If sharks fart... and there is a smell to that fart... it would resemble this turd. 1 stars
4/18/05 George R-Scott Who ever knew that sharks could roar? Argh!!!!!!! 1 stars
4/15/05 Chris Frint shit, why did they do that to jaws, stupid bastards 1 stars
4/01/05 Richard Box Some how i think Michael Cain was in it for the money & not the quality of script. 2 stars
3/25/05 Freddie Mercury Absolute shite! I am turning in my grave! 1 stars
11/14/04 X $ % & ! Still trying to cash in on Jaws' success, 12 years later. 1 stars
11/13/04 Jack Sommersby Not only unnecessary, but thoroughly incompetent, too. 1 stars
10/23/04 Joe Lorraine Gary sucks my ass 1 stars
8/07/04 brittany better tha n the original jaws movie 5 stars
8/05/04 Andrea jaws the recenge is ok 3 stars
7/31/04 M. Misconduct Dollar store shark toys exploding in someones bathtub is a great way to end your movie. 2 stars
7/19/04 Benjamin Petrofsky An embarrassment for the "Jaws" films 1 stars
7/05/04 JimmyC What the hell?? 1 stars
7/03/04 American Slasher Goddess Just awful, even worse then Part 3. 1 stars
6/03/04 Mr. me The nicest I can be with this movie is to say "It's a little better than part 3..." 1 stars
6/02/04 Sean Scanlan The worst Jaws movie ever 1 stars
5/19/04 Sean Scanlan Rock Bottom 1 stars
5/13/04 Harold I agree Lorrain Gary was better than the movie. Way better! 1 stars
5/11/04 Me I agree with Kenton, Gary is a great actress, but the script was crap 2 stars
5/07/04 B. Kenton Lorraine Gary was excellent in his movie but the plot is awful 2 stars
5/06/04 Diane Watson Lorraine Gary was positively irritating unfortunately the shark did not eat her 1 stars
4/29/04 thx1138:4eb Poorly executed movie! BAD! 1 stars
4/02/04 Homestar Runner This movie is so lame DO NOT BUY! 1 stars
3/29/04 blue how does the shark know how to find people? 1 stars
3/26/04 John Heasley Its on Tv now, late night fill in, it is sooo bad in so many ways 2 stars
3/26/04 Adam Very underated, One of the best movies of all time. 5 stars
3/20/04 Jack-pyschO-Lantern IT GOOD WAY TO END THE SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
12/02/03 anthony the shark should've worked for the fbi, it can actually find and relocate its enemys 1 stars
11/28/03 john this is the one movie that's worse than Pearl Harbor 1 stars
11/28/03 alien assassin They should burn every last copy of this turkey !!!!! 1 stars
11/26/03 Liam Dodd I think it is amazing anyone who doesn't like it is a idiot!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
10/09/03 JimmyC This movie should be listed as a comedy 1 stars
9/19/03 Scooter Not Great 3 stars
8/29/03 DARREN UNIVERSAL SHOULD BE ASHAMED AT TRYING TO PASS THE IDEA OF A SHARK WITH A PERSONAL PROBLEM 1 stars
8/17/03 Sean Maloney This movie is so bad, they need to make a Jaws 5 just to apologize for it! 1 stars
8/01/03 Double G stop making jaws movies 1 stars
7/13/03 Joe um 5 stars
5/12/03 Dan Shick 1 stars
3/26/03 Jeff Kane Accidentally bought it from the bargain bin thinking it was part one. 1 stars
3/09/03 Jack Sommersby Not unwatchable -- just ludicrous as hell. Peebles is outstanding. 2 stars
2/08/03 C.reeves A good effects and good scenes 3 stars
12/16/02 yana i want to see the pictures of jaws the revenger 1 stars
10/20/02 Paul Three words: DON'T SEE IT! 1 stars
9/07/02 STEVE WHAT IS THAT...OH NO ITS A PLASTIC SHARK WITH PEBBLES AND CAINE...A SHARK THAT GOS POP..NOO 1 stars
8/16/02 Scott JTR is a well constructed joke. Peebles-IF YOUR GONNA KILL EM, LEAVE HIM DEAD!!!! 2 stars
8/16/02 Shaun where did the $23 million budget go? Caine? Bahamas shooting? Falls Lake at Universal? 2 stars
7/03/02 Charles Tatum How to kill a film franchise in less than ninety minutes 2 stars
4/04/02 cat I actually liked this one, it's way better than 2 & 3 combined.The First Noel, creepy? Now! 4 stars
10/25/01 Bill Gains it would be good if it didn't suck, and was another movie 1 stars
9/15/01 travis robertson jaws1and2areclassics 3isalright jaws4 nomore please 3 stars
8/07/01 Mr. Hat (formerly Joe Zappa) FOR GOD'S SAKE! HOW MUCH TALK DO YOU NEED IN A MOVIE YOU GO TO TO SEE PEOPLE DIE????!!!!!!! 2 stars
8/06/01 E-Funk I was praying for Van Peebles to get it...same with Michael Caine...this movie is heinous 1 stars
7/28/01 Henry Ginsberg I've said it before and I'l say it again-Meachel Cain is a total penis . 1 stars
6/22/01 Dave If you missed Jaws 3 heres your chance to miss part 4 1 stars
2/15/01 *~Danielle*Ophelia~* (formerly KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi) This one screwed the pooch with a big fat machete. 1 stars
2/12/01 john d(THE DUDE) shit from out of my ass! 1 stars
1/15/01 Sklorsh How did this SHIT- ASS movie ever get produced? 1 stars
12/08/00 Cristopher Revilla WRONG!!!! i would only see the original instead of this piece of shit!!!! 1 stars
11/09/00 Tyler Disley Now come on people. Any real fan of Jaws would like this one. Right? 4 stars
10/19/00 DAVID HOLMES UTTER DROOL, REALLY, REALLY POOR. IT GETS ONE STAR AS YOU DONT SEEM TO DO A NO STAR RATING 1 stars
5/12/00 Steve Layne Not as bad as people say, but still the worst in the series. 3 stars
5/02/00 Gus Van Sant I want to piss on it! 1 stars
5/01/00 Ummm..... This movie is purely and simply shit! 1 stars
4/30/00 Yo Momma aHH,IT IS SHITE 1 stars
3/09/00 David Rogers Jaws already made a plunge in the drink and he should have drowned. 2 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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  02-Jul-1987 (PG-13)

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