Overall Rating
  Awesome: 7.41%
Worth A Look: 3.7%
Average: 6.67%
Pretty Bad: 11.11%
Total Crap: 71.11%
2 reviews, 123 user ratings
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| Jaws: The Revenge |
by Slyder
"I rather eat horseshit."
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Few greedy film producers have the balls for taking a legendary and kick-ass movie and dump a huge pile of cow dung over it. In other words, making a shitload of sequels that are inevitably inferior to the original, and even worse, be even crappier, shittier and more dreadful than the one before it. Jaws: The Revenge is one such example.Why, you ask me?
Because anyone with a sense of rationalism or with a least amount of brain knows that a fucking shark isn’t capable of “following” a person because it wants revenge. But hey, THIS IS HOLLYWOOD. THIS IS FUCKING HOLLYWOOD DAMN IT! I mean, it makes a lot of sense for a shark to get revenge since it just ate one of Chief Brody’s two sons and is following the chief’s wife or Widow Ellen (Lorraine Gary) from Amity to the Bahamas since she’s flown there to warn her other son about the vengeful shark, whom is pissed since her now dead husband killed one of them fuckers a trio of movies ago, actually two of them. A bit of a puzzlement and bemusement appears within the viewer.
But then again, more mysterious is the fact that she has these nightmares, and amongst those nightmares are dreams about her husband capping off the first shark even though her old blonde ass wasn’t even there in the first place. And then after more shark killings, she heads off with some black fuck called Jake (Mario Van Peebles) to go and find that marauding shark.
Ellen’s current husband laughably named Hoagie (Michael Caine) if you understand what I’m talking about when I say hoagie, also joins the fun crashing his airplane (smart!) and swimming over into the boat, and climbing out totally dry and not even a wet head. WOW, HOW DOES HE DO IT!??!
The shark keeps attacking, even at one point jumping out of the water and riding on his tail, and even roaring like some fucking beast from the Id. At this point your blood beings to boil but you’re still confused and maybe amused since who knows; maybe a shark can do that. I’ve never been out to sea or seen a shark in person but I guess a shark can do that, right? RIGHT?!
And then we accelerate (even though the boat seems stationary) to the climax after the shark eats several people and then it eats Jake, and you’re sitting there enjoying how the beast is eating that black fucker since he was too damn annoying and irritating, until you see the mechanical rod operating the shark, and that’s when you start either laughing or just wanting to go to the bathroom and vomit, because this is the single most stupid and most putrid scene in the movie. And then the ending, by using some weird-ass sound beam the shark gets fucky and buries itself into the frontal bow of the ship, cracking it in two and sink with the shark to the bottom of the sea, while you sit there wishing some fucking shark burst out of your Coke can and eat you alive so he could spare you from this miserable and ultimately worthless chunk of garbage.
How could a well-regarded TV director like Joe Sargent sign up for this fucking shit is beyond me and sometimes I wonder if he’s actually ANY good anyways since by judging from this flick Sargent couldn’t even direct a fucking crosswalk. You would expect the FX by 1987 to be actually even better than the FX in 1975, yet they’re lame. Bruce once again is called into action and it shows. It’s a fucking rubber toy handled by cranes and shit. No, it’s a goddamn piece of cardboard handled by cranes and shit. How could a studio approve this kind of crap, let alone release it? I just wonder that since this shit wouldn't even stick not even on a well-dried chunk of lead. Hell, my 12 year old cousin could write better shit than this and even some of it would stick. You know, the film had like 13 different endings if I recall correctly. Even one where Jake, whom supposedly got killed, appears once again, and other where the damn shark gets rammed by the boat, but then again only a masochist would go and search for all of this; there’s only so much bullshit that you can take.
And don’t bother about the actors. They’re crap; even Michael Caine is crap, and HIS CARACTER IS CALLED HOAGIE!
HOAGIE, GOD DAMN IT!!!In the end, this film is the cream of the crop, or shit I mean, because this is one of those movies which makes you think and wonder aloud what in the blue fuck were these idiots thinking when they wasted some good millions in order to make this shit? This is one of the worst movies ever made and it's apallingly incredible that it manages to be even a worser movie than Jaws 3 and that thing was utter dog-shit! Yeah Michael, I bet that house looks mighty fucking great. Shark lovers and Jaws fans, be afraid, be very FUCKING afraid! 0-5
link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=2301&reviewer=235
originally posted: 11/13/04 09:16:52
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USA
02-Jul-1987 (PG-13)
UK
N/A
Australia
N/A
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