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Overall Rating

Awesome: 7.19%
Worth A Look: 3.6%
Average: 6.47%
Pretty Bad: 10.79%
Total Crap71.94%

2 reviews, 127 user ratings

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Jaws: The Revenge
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by Scott Weinberg

"How a Killer Shark Found Me Using MapQuest and a Fake Passport"
1 stars

I'm not exactly sure how a film crew would even GO ABOUT making a worse film than the three-dimensional abortion that was Jaws 3-D, but lo and behold: Jaws the Revenge, a film that would make perfect sense in every way...if sharks and humans had a telepathic link and could read each others minds at will, that is. Nah!! Even then, this movie would be the pinnacle of all things inane. It's sad to even see the WORD "Jaws" on films this inexcusably stupid.

Roy Scheider said "No, and get off my land!" to Part 3, and I'm guessing he was pretty damn grateful after all was said and done. The money-leech producers of Part 4 seemingly wanted to point the series back onto Amity island in some way. Once again, Roy Scheider laughed in their faces. Yeah, Roy! So someone found Lorraine Gary's phone number to see if she was busy. Gary had made a name for herself - somewhat - after appearing in the original Jaws; prior to being cast in Jaws: The Revenge, she hadn't worked in eight years. (Gary was also wife to the CEO of Universal Pictures; you do the math.) OK, so the script offers a sketchy explanation how our beloved Chief Brody was killed in a gelatin accident or some such nonsense, and we have a middle-aged single mother to anchor our thoroughly unwanted sequel to.

If you think back to the original masterpiece and its fairly enjoyable sequel, you'll remember that the Brodys have two sons. I say "have" in that there are two sons when this movie opens, and one promptly becomes shark food. Now the conveniently-dead Chief Brody and his irritating widow "had" two sons, the still-living one played by The Last Starfighter himself, Lance Guest. Lance pretends to be a marine biologist, and he's not particularly good at it. After Son #1 gets all chomped up (enjoy it; this early carnage represents precisely one HALF of the body count in this "killer man-eating shark" epic), Mama Brody hightails it from Martha's Vineyard to the warm beaches of the Bahamas. She's just SICK of killer sharks being in her LIFE already! OFF to the Bahamas with 'er!

Wouldn't you know the goddam shark follows her?

Seriously. And not only does the shark know how to get from New York to the Bahamas, but it's driven by revenge. That makes sense. A fish with a brain the size of a large apple is not only able to find specific countries, but seeks to avenge the sharks killed in prior movies. Either screenwriter Michael De Guzman had knowledge of some ultra-genius marine life, or he was just smoking crack when he came up with this concept. This crap wouldn't fly in a comic-book written by acid freaks, let alone a "major" motion picture! It's stunning and sad to see how far this series has fallen from the original Jaws to this worthless dreck. The suck of each successive film tripled with every new incarnation.

Mario Van Peebles is in this movie. I point this out only as a public service, in case you somehow thought that Jaws: The Revenge was some lightweight entry into the Bad Movie Hall of Filthy Shame. What can be said for an actor who can't even be eaten by a shark convincingly? Nothing, so let's move on.

I clearly remember watching the Oscars back when Michael Caine won for Hannah and Her Sisters. He was unable to accept one of the finest compliments an actor can ever receive...because he wasn't there. He was in the Bahamas filming scenes with The Last Starfighter, his boss's wife, Mario freakin' Van Peebles, and a big cardboard shark that - more than anything - most resembles an insane artist's papier-mache rendition of Charle the Tuna giving birth. Caine's done miles and miles of great work in the movies, yet that wacky fruit will always get poked for parading his chubby gut in and out of Jaws: The Revenge. As long as I'm still alive, anyway. (All reports indicate that Michael Caine signs on for specific films based solely on the catering budget.)

Hmmm, the shark. What a sharky shark we have in Jaws: The Revenge. I mentioned the homing beacons and telepathy and super-intelligence, but there's more. This shark can tread water on his back flippy thing. Yeah, like a dolphin. Imagine that. Also, the shark seems to have no problem capering about in the warm waters of the Bahamas, despite the fact that actual Great Whites could never survive such a climate. (My assumption is that this plot gape came courtesy of the "I'll be in it if you pay for my entire vacation including 24-hour buffet" clause in Mr. Caine's contract.) Plus there's an almost surreal fakeness to the shark that doesn't lend itself well to quality filmmaking. That old SNL bit with Chevy Chase as the land shark did a better job of approximating shark-like proportions. Shit, a yellow post-it note with the word SHARK written on it with some squiggly water lines would be more convincing than the submerged Halloween costume on display throughout this retarded movie.

Joseph Sargent directed this movie. That's about all I can comment on the directorial "style" of Jaws: The Revenge. All I saw was a bunch of redundant dream sequences, random moments of slow-motion-for-no-reason, totally illogical flashbacks (to better movies), blurry footage of the world's rubberiest shark toy, and more than one scene featuring Michael Caine with no shirt on. I counted two actual shark victims...three if you pretend that Van Peebles doesn't pop up through the water's surface at the last minute. I like to pretend he didn't pop up.

If this movie were a person, you'd pat him on the back and wish him luck in the Special Olympics. On the plus side, you can get the DVD for like 4 bucks, which is about what I'd pay for a round, plastic ass-scratcher.

You've got your BAD movies, and that covers a whole lotta ground. But then you have those jaws-agape, eye-widening, hilariously bad "What the HELL were those greedy idiots thinkin'?" movies, and this screamingly inept flotsam ranks right near the top - or it is bottom? I'm not sure, but there's simply no reason why another living human should ever find themselves watching Jaws: The Revenge. Ever. Spielberg should have sued for 'breach of earth-shattering stupidity'.

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originally posted: 07/03/02 17:44:39
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User Comments

2/21/17 morris campbell one of the worst movies ever really dumb 1 stars
11/06/14 Mario is the Best 1: Awesome 2: Average 3: Terrible 4: PURE KAKA!! 1 stars
8/17/14 Hi! I'm watching it again right now and it still blows goats. 1 stars
2/12/14 Quigley Not one of the worst movies ever made, but it's amazingly boring. 1 stars
2/07/13 Kcaj Ive lost faith in humanity 1 stars
12/11/12 Jamie Worse than Jaws 3!!! 1 stars
11/02/11 Robert stevenson Horrible piece of film making one of the worst films of all time 1 stars
7/10/11 Jennifer Barr this one went downhill 2 stars
3/07/11 Fuckoffville Not as bad as everyone says 3 stars
1/19/11 Me Worth watching once as an example of how you can single-handedly destroy a franchise. 1 stars
9/21/10 Daniel Kiernan this is the worst movie i have ever seen. Troll 2 is a masterpeice compared to this crap. 1 stars
7/24/10 bagwell5 Worst movie 1987 by far. Did not know sharks growl & could follow airline flight paths. 1 stars
6/21/10 Alison Kramer The worst movie ever made. Those that say it's worse than Jaws 3 are idiots. 1 stars
1/04/09 Alexander Loved it!!! One of the best commedies I have ever seen!! 5 stars!!! 5 stars
12/29/08 Nick This is a joke! Sharks cant stand on their tails, roar, or hold grudges! 1 stars
11/01/08 Shaun Wallner This movie stinks!! 1 stars
10/20/08 Monster A Go-Go A roaring shark with a personal vendetta! HA! Love this crazy crap! 2 stars
8/16/08 What a review! Scott Weinberg, this is my favorite movie review of all time. I laugh every time I read it! 1 stars
7/01/08 jonathan pressman this is the greatest motion picture in history. kill me now while my mind is still pure. 5 stars
1/15/08 Sato The only good thing about Jaws: The Revenge is that it lead to this review very funny 1 stars
12/01/07 JJ Not as good as 2, but better than 3. It was ok. 4 stars
8/31/07 elvo76 If there was a minus 5 star rating available, this would get it. Indescribably bad! 1 stars
6/01/07 Sugarfoot Despite the rep, this one wasn't the worst, Jaws 3 was, this was still awful though 1 stars
5/07/07 Nate Tsutsumi Despite hiring/casting a "growling" shark, I found Jaws: the Revenge entertaining. 4 stars
4/02/07 brent gerald mejia sr. amazing! Jaws must've gotten voice lessons from Godzilla 1 stars
3/29/07 Scrubber Loved it, best comedy of the 80's 5 stars
3/17/07 brent gerald mejia sr.a i didn't know sounded like godzilla 1 stars
2/22/07 Mario Van Peebles This has to be one of the most wonderfully executed movies ever. Brillant! 5 stars
2/15/07 Quint Whyt the f*ck does SPIELBERG get the blame in this review? He didn't even do Jaws 2. 1 stars
2/03/07 Vip Ebriega Unbelievable. Everyone's favorite shark sinks to the bottom. 1 stars
12/29/06 David Pollastrini better than Jaws 3D 4 stars
11/27/06 tub 'o wax It's a foul, foul thing. May God have mercy upon the souls of those who did this to us. 1 stars
10/02/06 Jeremy Davies So bad it should be illegal. Even some of the movies cast hated it 1 stars
9/10/06 brandon it sucks 1 stars
9/01/06 Bob Smith This movie is a new definition for the word "crap" 1 stars
8/10/06 Dragon The Artist A decent sequel, not as bad as some sequels. 3 stars
7/08/06 Anthony Feor It is like putting your hand back on the stove after you have burned it 1 stars
6/28/06 joe koski rotten said 0 and so do I 1 stars
6/06/06 Cole Kuttz Ellen dates Phil E. Cheesteak in Part 5 1 stars
5/06/06 dionwr Haven't seen it 3 stars
5/05/06 Uri Lessing Here's an idea. Move to Kansas. No oceans. 1 stars
5/02/06 Ryan_A Every bit as bad as I imagined it 1 stars
5/02/06 David Cornelius It's just like the first one, only sucky 1 stars
5/02/06 William Goss Like Alfie, but with sharper teeth. 1 stars
5/02/06 EricDSnider Proof that Michael Caine will be in ANYTHING 1 stars
5/02/06 Alex Paquin Can't remember it 3 stars
5/02/06 HBS-SH Laughable sequel with a big (fake) heart 1 stars
3/10/06 Dk So stupid it hurts. Sucks so bad 1 stars
2/13/06 Anthony Feor The Worst movie ever 1 stars
1/28/06 JM Synth The slightest of improvements over Jaws 3D (the 2D version anyway) 2 stars
11/24/05 cr a ok movie, good characters but unreal shark scenes and lame story 2 stars
10/29/05 Suck a Dick Fully sick bro! The shark shud have sex with the girl! 5 stars
9/02/05 Eden Its much, much better than 3. Which is means nothing 1 stars
8/16/05 ES How do we know this movie will be an underfunded dud= Starring Mario Van Peebles 1 stars
7/17/05 ! if they make Jaws 5, it should start and say that jaws 3 & 4 were Ellen Brodys nightmares. 1 stars
7/14/05 Brandy Harrington This is the worst movie I have ever seen. 1 stars
7/11/05 Pissed IF sharks can navigate from country to country so well, why dont we use them as boats :D 1 stars
6/27/05 Cheif calling it crap is an insult to feces. 1 stars
6/15/05 Jeff Anderson The "REVENGE" is on the people who see this shitstorm of a sequel. 1 of the all time worst! 1 stars
6/09/05 me i could write a better movie high on crack. 1 stars
5/28/05 tony Can the fucking shark just die now. the biggest yawn i ever hade watching this movie! 1 stars
5/17/05 what? wow 1 stars
4/26/05 E-FUNK If sharks fart... and there is a smell to that fart... it would resemble this turd. 1 stars
4/18/05 George R-Scott Who ever knew that sharks could roar? Argh!!!!!!! 1 stars
4/15/05 Chris Frint shit, why did they do that to jaws, stupid bastards 1 stars
4/01/05 Richard Box Some how i think Michael Cain was in it for the money & not the quality of script. 2 stars
3/25/05 Freddie Mercury Absolute shite! I am turning in my grave! 1 stars
11/14/04 X $ % & ! Still trying to cash in on Jaws' success, 12 years later. 1 stars
11/13/04 Jack Sommersby Not only unnecessary, but thoroughly incompetent, too. 1 stars
10/23/04 Joe Lorraine Gary sucks my ass 1 stars
8/07/04 brittany better tha n the original jaws movie 5 stars
8/05/04 Andrea jaws the recenge is ok 3 stars
7/31/04 M. Misconduct Dollar store shark toys exploding in someones bathtub is a great way to end your movie. 2 stars
7/19/04 Benjamin Petrofsky An embarrassment for the "Jaws" films 1 stars
7/05/04 JimmyC What the hell?? 1 stars
7/03/04 American Slasher Goddess Just awful, even worse then Part 3. 1 stars
6/03/04 Mr. me The nicest I can be with this movie is to say "It's a little better than part 3..." 1 stars
6/02/04 Sean Scanlan The worst Jaws movie ever 1 stars
5/19/04 Sean Scanlan Rock Bottom 1 stars
5/13/04 Harold I agree Lorrain Gary was better than the movie. Way better! 1 stars
5/11/04 Me I agree with Kenton, Gary is a great actress, but the script was crap 2 stars
5/07/04 B. Kenton Lorraine Gary was excellent in his movie but the plot is awful 2 stars
5/06/04 Diane Watson Lorraine Gary was positively irritating unfortunately the shark did not eat her 1 stars
4/29/04 thx1138:4eb Poorly executed movie! BAD! 1 stars
4/02/04 Homestar Runner This movie is so lame DO NOT BUY! 1 stars
3/29/04 blue how does the shark know how to find people? 1 stars
3/26/04 John Heasley Its on Tv now, late night fill in, it is sooo bad in so many ways 2 stars
3/26/04 Adam Very underated, One of the best movies of all time. 5 stars
3/20/04 Jack-pyschO-Lantern IT GOOD WAY TO END THE SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
12/02/03 anthony the shark should've worked for the fbi, it can actually find and relocate its enemys 1 stars
11/28/03 john this is the one movie that's worse than Pearl Harbor 1 stars
11/28/03 alien assassin They should burn every last copy of this turkey !!!!! 1 stars
11/26/03 Liam Dodd I think it is amazing anyone who doesn't like it is a idiot!!!!!!!!! 5 stars
10/09/03 JimmyC This movie should be listed as a comedy 1 stars
9/19/03 Scooter Not Great 3 stars
8/17/03 Sean Maloney This movie is so bad, they need to make a Jaws 5 just to apologize for it! 1 stars
8/01/03 Double G stop making jaws movies 1 stars
7/13/03 Joe um 5 stars
5/12/03 Dan Shick 1 stars
3/26/03 Jeff Kane Accidentally bought it from the bargain bin thinking it was part one. 1 stars
3/09/03 Jack Sommersby Not unwatchable -- just ludicrous as hell. Peebles is outstanding. 2 stars
2/08/03 C.reeves A good effects and good scenes 3 stars
12/16/02 yana i want to see the pictures of jaws the revenger 1 stars
10/20/02 Paul Three words: DON'T SEE IT! 1 stars
8/16/02 Scott JTR is a well constructed joke. Peebles-IF YOUR GONNA KILL EM, LEAVE HIM DEAD!!!! 2 stars
8/16/02 Shaun where did the $23 million budget go? Caine? Bahamas shooting? Falls Lake at Universal? 2 stars
7/03/02 Charles Tatum How to kill a film franchise in less than ninety minutes 2 stars
4/04/02 cat I actually liked this one, it's way better than 2 & 3 combined.The First Noel, creepy? Now! 4 stars
10/25/01 Bill Gains it would be good if it didn't suck, and was another movie 1 stars
9/15/01 travis robertson jaws1and2areclassics 3isalright jaws4 nomore please 3 stars
8/07/01 Mr. Hat (formerly Joe Zappa) FOR GOD'S SAKE! HOW MUCH TALK DO YOU NEED IN A MOVIE YOU GO TO TO SEE PEOPLE DIE????!!!!!!! 2 stars
8/06/01 E-Funk I was praying for Van Peebles to get it...same with Michael Caine...this movie is heinous 1 stars
7/28/01 Henry Ginsberg I've said it before and I'l say it again-Meachel Cain is a total penis . 1 stars
6/22/01 Dave If you missed Jaws 3 heres your chance to miss part 4 1 stars
2/15/01 *~Danielle*Ophelia~* (formerly KyLe*BrOfLoVsKi) This one screwed the pooch with a big fat machete. 1 stars
2/12/01 john d(THE DUDE) shit from out of my ass! 1 stars
1/15/01 Sklorsh How did this SHIT- ASS movie ever get produced? 1 stars
12/08/00 Cristopher Revilla WRONG!!!! i would only see the original instead of this piece of shit!!!! 1 stars
11/09/00 Tyler Disley Now come on people. Any real fan of Jaws would like this one. Right? 4 stars
5/12/00 Steve Layne Not as bad as people say, but still the worst in the series. 3 stars
5/02/00 Gus Van Sant I want to piss on it! 1 stars
5/01/00 Ummm..... This movie is purely and simply shit! 1 stars
4/30/00 Yo Momma aHH,IT IS SHITE 1 stars
3/09/00 David Rogers Jaws already made a plunge in the drink and he should have drowned. 2 stars
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  02-Jul-1987 (PG-13)



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