Thing, The (1982)

Reviewed By Chef ADogg
Posted 12/29/99 15:25:40

"'Yeah, fuck you, too!'"
5 stars (Awesome)

This is by far the single most disgusting movie I've ever seen, and I love it. Pure faceripping pleasure.

It doesn't get much better than this. Tight story, built-in tension, and a cast that's simply a joy to watch. "The Thing" is one of those movies where you get to see a bunch of guys confined in a small space implode under extreme pressure, but it has a few defining ingredients that place it a cut above the standard fare. Way, way above.

First of all, we have Kurt Russel. This guy is, quite simply, the man. Nobody else would have worked in this role, period. He looks like a bum, he drinks in almost every scene, and he still gets to play the hero. He's got a really strange kind of dignity that you don't find in many actors, and he makes his every line sound authentic.

And since we're already talking about actors, it would be a perfect time to mention Keith David. An amazing character actor who never gets the respect or screen time he deserves. Amazingly, he remains alive when most of the other characters meet their gruesome ends; somebody run up to John Carpenter and give him a handjob for keeping David in there. (Note: If you're a heterosexual male, a simple pat on the back will do)

What else makes this movie so spectacular? What if I told you that there was lots of blood 'n' guts? What if I THEN told you that said gore was used with imagination and skill to create the most frightening extra terrestrial life forms this side of Michael Jackson? If you're not impressed yet... Well, just keep on reading. It'll come.

Alright, we've got superior action and special effects. We've also got John Carpenter's scary, slow burn direction; a blood-pumping score by Spaghetti western legend Ennio Morricone; and the Quaker oatmeal guy getting all medieval on some poor schlub's ass.

Trust me, this movie's not as stupid as I make it sound. It really is awesome in every possible sense of the word. If you doubt me, ask anyone who watches horror movies on a regular basis. They'll tell you. Now go rent it, before I MELT YOUR FACE AND RIP IT FROM YOUR SKULL! BWAHAHAHA!

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