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Overall Rating
2.89

Awesome: 28.57%
Worth A Look: 17.86%
Average: 10.71%
Pretty Bad: 0%
Total Crap42.86%

1 review, 22 user ratings


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Three Musketeers, The (1993)
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by Slyder

"Who The Fuck In Disney Thought Up This Shit?"
1 stars

This is probably the worst adaptation from the legendary Alexandre Dumas novel. What the fuck was that? Why? I mean, why just rip a classic story out of its own fundaments and make it only a shallow, silly, stupid and cartoonish action movie? Sure, it was made in mind for the kids, since kids like and swashbuckling action, and guns and explosions and shit, but come on, can’t kids learn a little piece of history? FUCK YOU!!! If you teach it the right way it’s never boring. Gosh, gosh, gosh, Disney rapes itself once more.

Here’s the skinny: Evil Cardinal Richelieu (Tim Curry) wants to depose childish King Louie XIII (Hugh O’Connor), so the first step to do that is to abolish the allegiance between the King and the Musketeers, who are the loyal defenders of the King. So the Musketeers are history, but a young swashbuckler called D’artagnan (Chris O’Donnell) shows up since he wants to be an aspiring musketeer. After a few scuffles, he meets Athos (Kiefer Sutherland), Aramis (Charlie Sheen), and Porthos (Oliver Platt), who turn out to be Musketeers, whom refuse to give up their loyalty to the king. And due to this the Cardinal’s guards chase them. D’artagnan sees this as an opportunity to be a Musketeer and he joins them. Now they must hurry to catch Richelieu’s second plan, which is to try to murder the King, and rule France.

What’s good about this film? Nothing.

Absolutely nothing. If you’re only a fan of cheesy formulaic action, you may like it. If not, prepare for a thrill ride in formula-land, and I don’t mean Formula 1. Gosh, first of all, the action scenes are lame; they’re cheesy and just stupid. The film just takes it all just in view for the kids, and what kids are we talking about here? Is it all right to stick into their minds scenes of sexual innuendo? Oh, a shot of the countess’ gown which has her tits ready to bobble out of it. Wow look, the Queen naked on her bathtub, and the Cardinal lusting for her. Yeah, sure, kids, watch it, I want you to grow Disney perverts, come on, and it’s all right to whack off at these parts. What, you don’t know what whacking off is? Is it all right to show them embarrassingly stupid scenarios that involve our hero (D’artagnan) making an ass of himself and reciting just lame-ass one-liners?

A musketeer is never afraid. A musketeer is always there to defend the king. A musketeer this and a musketeer that, yep, exactly, and furthermore the way that Chris O’Donnell recites his lines just makes it twice as awful. And what kind of action scenes are we talking about? Here we go, our heroes swashbuckling between villains, and pulling off all kinds of crazy shit, which qualifies as 100% formula. I mean, the way that these guys act and perform the action scenes is just embarrassing, and the final product is as pathetic as hell. Watching these fuckers try do all the swashbuckling shit, is like wanting to shoot yourself on the head but only shoot yourself in the stomach. And the offbeat comedic moments just add more fuel to the fire. They’re not even funny, and are more stupid than fuck. This whole film is nothing but a stupid, masturbatory, fucked up piece of shit. I laughed, oh yes, I laughed, but only at the stupidity of the whole fucking film.

The acting is pathetic. Chris O’Donnell really fucks himself with this one just after he catapulted into stardom with the excellent Scent Of A Woman. His performance is the worst of the movie, and I just couldn’t stand him. Kiefer Sutherland is the best of the bunch, and I really liked him in the film. The guy is as talented as his dad, Donald; he just deserves better scripts than this shit. Charlie Sheen is just the same old fucked up Charlie Sheen, but he’s all right. Oliver Platt was fun, but he overdoes it sometimes and makes himself look pathetic, but at least I had a guilty pleasure by myself seeing Oliver get punched by Kiefer, since its something that I wanted to do for a long, long while. HEHEHE- HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHEHEH!!!!

BUUUUUAAAAAAAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Ahem, anyways… Tim Curry is pathetic and he commits one of the worst cases of overacting ever, and Rebecca De Mornay is still the same sleazy bitch that she used to be.

In the end, forget this film, and DON’T EVEN DARE BRINGING YOUR KIDS TO WATCH THIS PIECE OF IMBREADED SHIT. Dig out Herbie, or Mary Poppins or if you still want musketeering action, rent the old Three Musketeers, it’s a whole lot better than this piece of shit. If you even managed to like this film, you’re probably a fucking idiot. Someone in Disney should be taken out to the street and have him FUCKING SHOT!!! If there’s anything to like about this film is the song “All For Love” with Bryan Adams, Rod Stewart, and Sting. Do yourself a favor, buy the soundtrack or fast-forward towards the end credits and let the song play its full splendor, since that song kicks ass. Too bad it’s the only good thing in the entire movie.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=2457&reviewer=235
originally posted: 04/11/02 13:28:16
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User Comments

10/21/11 PAUL SHORTT FUN, FAST PACED AND ENTERTAINING 3 stars
1/07/09 Bethany Cox I liked this movie! Some of it was really fuuny! Great plot and performances! 4 stars
3/17/08 Pokejedservo Why this film is hated I'll never know... 4 stars
5/07/06 chienne Disappointed in failure t'capture book & acc history, but fun. Keifer tops as always. 3 stars
4/07/06 Ashley I loved this movie and the soundtrack. Anyone who didn't like it, needs to get over it. 5 stars
7/28/05 Laurabetty What the fuck? this is really good entertainment!!! 4 stars
4/17/04 BaztarD_101 Kiefer Sutherland rules! Charlie Sheen is okay & Oliver Platt is hilarious! 5 stars
2/18/04 m&M That was a pretty good movie no matter what you all say about it. 5 stars
10/16/03 ~*Tanya*~ watched this shit in AP it fucking BLOWS ass 1 stars
8/30/03 Giedrius great movie 5 stars
7/30/03 cyrillia GREAT MOVIE !!!!! And ReTaRd kids learn history class... 5 stars
7/21/02 KMG ---CHRIS O'DONNELL: RETURN TO YOUR IVY LEAGUE MANSION, CHARLIE: PUT DOWN THE CRACK PIPE---- 3 stars
5/22/02 Chris Prostmen Great movie, dont anaylze it as if you have a fucking phd in leterature, and just enjoy it! 5 stars
5/20/02 chet mosesexcellent excellent 5 stars
4/26/02 Charles Tatum "Young Swords"- and stupid to boot 1 stars
4/14/02 trevor GAY 1 stars
4/11/02 Tim Curry's Groin I totally disagree with Slyder's review, but it's fucking hilarious =^) 4 stars
2/02/02 Andrew Carden Barf. 1 stars
3/07/01 Jake Cool and Fun 4 stars
2/07/00 Lame-Oh sheer cowardice 1 stars
1/06/00 Ben Johnson Very Cool 5 stars
11/01/99 Weird Andy Lame-O. Dumas by Dumbasses(or is it "Dumb Asses?). 1 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  12-Nov-1993 (PG)

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