Some bad movies just aren't bad enough. BLOOD BEACH has a promisingly weird premise: in what must be the dumbest JAWS variation ever, the movie postulates a flesh-eating monster that lives under the beach, who sucks sunbathers into the sand with barely a trace.It's obvious what the filmmakers are up to here, even before one of the actors utters the immortal line "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, you can't get to it." Yuk, yuk, yuk. That's what passes for a high point in this tepid flick.
BLOOD BEACH doesn't really get anything right: it's not straight-faced enough to qualify as full-blown camp, and it's not nearly funny enough to count as parody. With its bland cast (excepting, maybe, ROCKY alumnus Burt Young as one of the investigators) and a rickety plot that makes less sense the more you think about it, the film never rises above typical low-budget baloney. How do they find the monster? Well, after far too many scenes where the detectives sit around scratching their heads, somebody just gets this hunch...
You know how horror-movie killers like to leave their victims dangling from the ceiling by the ankles so people can run into the bodies and scream like hell? Did you know that even giant killer houseplants that live under the beach do that? Yes, you heard right--it turns out to be a giant killer houseplant that can somehow travel anywhere up and down the beach, and without leaving tunnels. Don't try to figure it out. I command you.
There's no energy to it; the movie very faintly echoes Spielberg but adds nothing to the mix. What you get are a lot of boring actors larking around sunny Santa Monica beaches--please note all the tourist types in the background staring into the camera. I don't know how you could make a decent horror movie in this milieu, but you don't do it like this.Like I say, there are bad movies and there are bad movies. This is the wrong kind of bad.