"The closest you should ever get to this film...is this review."
Private School (sometimes a.k.a. 'Private School for Girls' to those who think that taglines printed on VHS boxes automatically imply a film’s full title) is a wholly wretched film that serves solely as a humiliating time capsule, one that horrifyingly reminds us of how low American comedy can sink. Why not just create a film entitled 'Bare Breasts for 85 Minutes' and then simply parade in a whole gaggle of topless cheerleaders and let them hop around for a bit? I’m not saying that it would be a GOOD film, but at least it would be a more direct route to what the Private School renters are after. Who wants to dig through 75 minutes of wilted lettuce for 5 little pieces of steak?The plot, and I use that word lightly, centers around a stuffy private school (hence the clever title) and the moronic horny idiots who are educated there. Betsy Russell and Phoebe Cates, two women not adorable enough to ever live this movie down, caper about in various stages of undress, all in the hopes of wooing the wandering eye of a young and clueless Matthew Modine. Phoebe shows her butt; Matt gawks. Betsy rides a horse topless. Everyone gawks. In an effort to fulfill some dramatic void, there is a brain-assaulting subplot that involves a trio of mouth-breathing chubby guys who opt to dress up as women in order to see bare breasts. And of course there is a collection of dead-eyed grown-ups wandering about to act as aghast onlookers or clueless sex jokes.
Private School was directed by Noel Black. I mention this mainly because I think the eternally damned deserve recognition, and partially to note that he’d later go on to direct a much better (and sexier) tittie-flick known as Mischief. As for the screenwriters, they’d go on to pen the equally painful Private Lessons 2 and a few sitcoms before fading away to hopefully survive their remaining days on tittie-movie residuals.
A handful of formerly “professional” actors pop in from time to time so they can have their visible shame at appearing in such a worthless film recorded for all eternity. I’m talking to you, Martin Mull! And I see you too, Ray Walston, hiding behind those bare swollen boobies! 90 minutes later, you’ve seen a few some mildly titillating T&A, but you’re infinitely stupider for the experience. I’m not embellishing when I say that Private School makes Porky’s Revenge look like American Pie 2...or maybe it’s the other way around. Either way, they all have bare breasts in them, so it’s a no-lose proposition if you’re on a frantic tittie-flick hunt.
Private School is one of the most reviled movies in a monumentally despised genre. Hardcore porn has a better reputation than does Private School.Shocking. Movies like The Godfather and Citizen Kane are available on DVD, and yet Private School is not. That’s just wrong.