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Overall Rating
3.45

Awesome41.38%
Worth A Look: 13.79%
Average: 17.24%
Pretty Bad: 3.45%
Total Crap: 24.14%

1 review, 23 user ratings


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Private School
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by Scott Weinberg

"The closest you should ever get to this film...is this review."
1 stars

Private School (sometimes a.k.a. 'Private School for Girls' to those who think that taglines printed on VHS boxes automatically imply a filmís full title) is a wholly wretched film that serves solely as a humiliating time capsule, one that horrifyingly reminds us of how low American comedy can sink. Why not just create a film entitled 'Bare Breasts for 85 Minutes' and then simply parade in a whole gaggle of topless cheerleaders and let them hop around for a bit? Iím not saying that it would be a GOOD film, but at least it would be a more direct route to what the Private School renters are after. Who wants to dig through 75 minutes of wilted lettuce for 5 little pieces of steak?

The plot, and I use that word lightly, centers around a stuffy private school (hence the clever title) and the moronic horny idiots who are educated there. Betsy Russell and Phoebe Cates, two women not adorable enough to ever live this movie down, caper about in various stages of undress, all in the hopes of wooing the wandering eye of a young and clueless Matthew Modine. Phoebe shows her butt; Matt gawks. Betsy rides a horse topless. Everyone gawks. In an effort to fulfill some dramatic void, there is a brain-assaulting subplot that involves a trio of mouth-breathing chubby guys who opt to dress up as women in order to see bare breasts. And of course there is a collection of dead-eyed grown-ups wandering about to act as aghast onlookers or clueless sex jokes.

Private School was directed by Noel Black. I mention this mainly because I think the eternally damned deserve recognition, and partially to note that heíd later go on to direct a much better (and sexier) tittie-flick known as Mischief. As for the screenwriters, theyíd go on to pen the equally painful Private Lessons 2 and a few sitcoms before fading away to hopefully survive their remaining days on tittie-movie residuals.

A handful of formerly ďprofessionalĒ actors pop in from time to time so they can have their visible shame at appearing in such a worthless film recorded for all eternity. Iím talking to you, Martin Mull! And I see you too, Ray Walston, hiding behind those bare swollen boobies! 90 minutes later, youíve seen a few some mildly titillating T&A, but youíre infinitely stupider for the experience. Iím not embellishing when I say that Private School makes Porkyís Revenge look like American Pie 2...or maybe itís the other way around. Either way, they all have bare breasts in them, so itís a no-lose proposition if youíre on a frantic tittie-flick hunt.

Private School is one of the most reviled movies in a monumentally despised genre. Hardcore porn has a better reputation than does Private School.

Shocking. Movies like The Godfather and Citizen Kane are available on DVD, and yet Private School is not. Thatís just wrong.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=2635&reviewer=128
originally posted: 07/16/02 15:03:03
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User Comments

7/06/14 bqguwodh USA 3 stars
11/08/12 Keith Miron phoebe cates has a good singing voice and a nice bear ass 3 stars
1/23/11 krish good film 5 stars
1/27/09 Shaun Wallner Awesome Story! 5 stars
5/19/08 Jack Sommersby Reasonably entertaining, with Russell red-hot as the sex siren. 3 stars
3/11/08 Tim Classic 5 stars
5/14/06 david i love this movie 5 stars
7/12/05 Sam This is my most memorable movie from the 80's. 5 stars
2/06/05 Jeff Anderson Not that bad & Phoebe Cates displays a sunny personality throughout this. HEY, IT'S THE 80s 4 stars
12/04/04 Jon Good This movie was very funny for its time.... over the edge for 1983! 4 stars
11/01/04 nancy getting myself in trouble, but i was 1 of the students in that movie and i had a lot of fun 5 stars
7/06/04 Dr. Holliday Betsy Russell used what she had pretty effectively, but the movie was relatively forgetable 2 stars
5/25/04 eartha fierro loved it . totally funny 5 stars
4/23/04 jessy i haven't got comments 5 stars
4/22/04 Keeeez for a teen movie it's fun to watch, in my opinion better than american pie 4 stars
4/22/04 mr A.J. Rijsterborgh Worthless movie, never seen worse 1 stars
1/18/04 Bubba Beauregard Loved the film and think that Michael Zorek should have gone on to greater things! 5 stars
11/29/03 vegasman28 Take it for what it is. A great 80's T@A movie that has a great soundtrack 5 stars
10/11/03 bji One of the Greatest T&A movies of all time, why don't they make them anymore 5 stars
7/15/03 nan I love this movie coz I love Phoebe Cates 5 stars
1/13/03 Jack Sommersby Competently done. Forget Cates -- Betsy Russell is a drop-dead gorgeous stunner! 3 stars
7/16/02 Charles Tatum Low brow, unfunny...wow, boobs 4 stars
1/04/00 Gotham DK Typical 80's made for teenage guy-movie. Made watchable by Phoebe Cates. Rent FT at RH. 3 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  02-Aug-1983 (R)
  DVD: 06-Mar-2007

UK
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