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Overall Rating
1.38

Awesome: 0%
Worth A Look: 4.76%
Average: 9.52%
Pretty Bad: 4.76%
Total Crap80.95%

1 review, 15 user ratings


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Loose Cannons (1990)
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by Scott Weinberg

"Oh dear GOD! MY EYES!"
1 stars

OH DEAR GOD! You could seriously consider watching this one a form of punishment. I would say it's a career low for all involved, but then we're digging into the lower reaches of movie hell. Anyone out there interested in discussing the filmographies of Dan Aykroyd or Dom Deluise? Didn't think so.

ggggghhhhhhhhhhhggghhhhhhhhhggghhhhhhhhh--Help me. I'm numb. I just saw Loose Cannons and I feel like I just got the cinematic equivalent of anal shock torture. It's some kind of buddy-cop thing with Aykroyd playing a genius who's also a lunatic and Hackman as a cop who's as familiar and dull as he is grouchy and stereotypical. They are following an afterthought of a plot about ex-Nazis and a missing film canister and some really unfunny stuff that doesn't belong in a slapstick, doody-joke comedy. Big fat Dom Deluise shows up, and makes us sad because he used to be chubby and likable and now he's obese and horrifying.

Anyway, let's look at the people involved:

Director Bob Clark--OK, fine. He directed A Christmas Story, which is a great movie. Compare that with this: Baby Geniuses (molten hot doo-doo), Porky's (funny, but looks like a home movie filmed underground), Rhinestone (Bob Clark ruined Stallone's country singing career!), Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things (real movie, I swear) From the Hip (Judd Nelson as a lawyer with a vibrator in his briefcase), Porky's 2: The Next Day (kill me), Turk 182! (gaaaak!) and Black Christmas (ok, cult classic, but that was a long time ago). Not only should this guy never be allowed to direct again, but I feel very strongly that he should have his balls dipped in gravy and dropped in a kennel.

Mr. Dan Aykroyd--Look, I don't know how much data this website can carry, so I'll spare you the list of diarrhea he's done. No I won't.

Nothing But Trouble, Blues Brothers 2000, Getting Away with Murder, Ghostbusters 2, Celtic Pride, Tommy Boy, Candian Bacon, Exit to Eden, North, Coneheads, Sgt. Bilko, Masters of Menace, Caddyshack 2, The Couch Trip, The Great Outdoors, Doctor Detroit, My Stepmother is an Alien, Dragnet, Neighbors AND he's married to Donna Dixon. Where is justice?

I mean seriously. Who can fail that often professionally and still have a job? (Leave Clinton out of this.) If Dan Aykroyd were a professional baseball player, he'd be the kicker. It's really a shame too, because he used to be an almost brilliant comedian and did great work in stuff like The Blues Brothers (with like 5 lines to his credit) and Grosse Pointe Blank, although I may have liked him there only because it was such a cool movie and he gets shot.

Oh yeah, Loose Cannons. Sorry. Rent it and you're a moron. Watch it on cable and you're a cheap moron. Watch it on TBS and I hope you get your balls kicked by a mule. I have spoken.

It really is a dizzying and bizarre statement that movies like this ever get made. I intentionally left Gene Hackman out of this review, out of respect for his career. Hey, he's done a LOT of good stuff, and he probably had to do this crap for alimony payments or something. Lay off Hackman. This movie is best viewed by rocks or leaves.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=2764&reviewer=128
originally posted: 11/28/99 19:37:55
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User Comments

8/04/06 Fish Eye This movie is funny. Don't listen to these haters 4 stars
4/09/05 craig varney these loose cannons are more like pop guns 1 stars
3/26/05 JC Pierce Poor choice 1 stars
1/30/05 Jeff Anderson Another Bob Clark disaster, unbearable to watch. HACKMAN & AYKROYD'S WORST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1 stars
9/26/03 Sammy Scott, you think Ghostbusters 2 is bad? I feel sorry for you... 3 stars
9/19/03 DANNY GANS THE HORROR. THE HORROR. 1 stars
7/17/03 Jon "Thumb the Toad" Lyrik 100% feces 1 stars
7/08/03 Dirk MacBeth As bad as it gets 1 stars
6/08/03 Ripper Makes Tango & Cash seem brilliant by comparison 1 stars
3/26/03 Jack Sommersby Ugh. 1 stars
10/12/02 M Lyons This really does stink. 1 stars
12/02/01 Senor Pescolido Vintage Aykroyd. Vintage swill. 1 stars
9/30/01 Andrew Carden So-So Comedy. 3 stars
4/17/01 Sgt. Zim Kill me! 1 stars
12/01/99 the Grinch Can I pinpoint the exact moment Dan Hemmoroid started to suck? Why, yes I can! 2 stars
IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS FILM, RATE IT!
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USA
  02-Mar-1990 (R)

UK
  N/A

Australia
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Directed by
  Bob Clark

Written by
  Bob Clark
  Richard Matheson

Cast
  Gene Hackman
  Dan Aykroyd
  Dom DeLuise
  Nancy Travis
  Ronny Cox
  Robert Prosky



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