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ggggghhhhhhhhhhhggghhhhhhhhhggghhhhhhhhh--Help me. I'm numb. I just saw Loose Cannons and I feel like I just got the cinematic equivalent of anal shock torture. It's some kind of buddy-cop thing with Aykroyd playing a genius who's also a lunatic and Hackman as a cop who's as familiar and dull as he is grouchy and stereotypical. They are following an afterthought of a plot about ex-Nazis and a missing film canister and some really unfunny stuff that doesn't belong in a slapstick, doody-joke comedy. Big fat Dom Deluise shows up, and makes us sad because he used to be chubby and likable and now he's obese and horrifying.

Anyway, let's look at the people involved:

Director Bob Clark--OK, fine. He directed A Christmas Story, which is a great movie. Compare that with this: Baby Geniuses (molten hot doo-doo), Porky's (funny, but looks like a home movie filmed underground), Rhinestone (Bob Clark ruined Stallone's country singing career!), Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things (real movie, I swear) From the Hip (Judd Nelson as a lawyer with a vibrator in his briefcase), Porky's 2: The Next Day (kill me), Turk 182! (gaaaak!) and Black Christmas (ok, cult classic, but that was a long time ago). Not only should this guy never be allowed to direct again, but I feel very strongly that he should have his balls dipped in gravy and dropped in a kennel.

Mr. Dan Aykroyd--Look, I don't know how much data this website can carry, so I'll spare you the list of diarrhea he's done. No I won't.

Nothing But Trouble, Blues Brothers 2000, Getting Away with Murder, Ghostbusters 2, Celtic Pride, Tommy Boy, Candian Bacon, Exit to Eden, North, Coneheads, Sgt. Bilko, Masters of Menace, Caddyshack 2, The Couch Trip, The Great Outdoors, Doctor Detroit, My Stepmother is an Alien, Dragnet, Neighbors AND he's married to Donna Dixon. Where is justice?

I mean seriously. Who can fail that often professionally and still have a job? (Leave Clinton out of this.) If Dan Aykroyd were a professional baseball player, he'd be the kicker. It's really a shame too, because he used to be an almost brilliant comedian and did great work in stuff like The Blues Brothers (with like 5 lines to his credit) and Grosse Pointe Blank, although I may have liked him there only because it was such a cool movie and he gets shot.

Oh yeah, Loose Cannons. Sorry. Rent it and you're a moron. Watch it on cable and you're a cheap moron. Watch it on TBS and I hope you get your balls kicked by a mule. I have spoken.

It really is a dizzying and bizarre statement that movies like this ever get made. I intentionally left Gene Hackman out of this review, out of respect for his career. Hey, he's done a LOT of good stuff, and he probably had to do this crap for alimony payments or something. Lay off Hackman. This movie is best viewed by rocks or leaves.

link directly to this review at http://www.efilmcritic.com/review.php?movie=2764&reviewer=128
originally posted: 11/28/99 19:37:55
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